by Beth Wiseman
“I’m glad to hear you say that. Because an Amish woman would never allow a man to convert to the Plain ways just so he could be with her.” Noah smiled. “Listen, I grew up Amish. If I can help you with anything, let me know. But I am thrilled that you and Tyler will be moving here, and I’m very happy about our project.”
“So am I.”
Kade looked across the room at Sadie walking toward him, holding Tyler’s hand, and he wondered if he was being honest with himself. A large part of his intent in coming to Lancaster County was to be with Sadie, in some capacity. Could he really be happy being just her friend? Could he overhaul his life to that extent that he could claim a place in this fine community, a place with Sadie?
He looked around the room and smiled. Maybe so.
Sadie had tried to stay focused on Jonas and Lizzie during the ceremony, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Kade and Tyler in the back row, so close. Sarah Jane told her they would be staying for a few days. Kade’s words—I’ve missed you—resounded in her head.
Now she was anxious to get to Kade, when Lillian grabbed her arm.
“Thank the good Lord this all went well today,” Lillian said. “Grandpa and Lizzie are so happy, and both of them know who they are and where they are today.” She smiled, then spoke to Tyler. “Hello, Tyler.”
“Hello, Tyler,” the boy repeated to Lillian.
“It’s a gut day for everyone,” Sadie said. She fought to keep her eyes from drifting in Kade’s direction.
“You know,” Lillian said with a twinkle in her eye, “there is a rumor circulating around the community.”
“Gossip and rumor are sins,” Sadie said as she winked at Lillian. “But tell me.”
Lillian leaned in close. “Rumor has it that Kade is staying here.”
“I know that,” Sadie said. She was somewhat disappointed Lillian didn’t have anything juicier than that. “He’ll be staying for three days.”
Lillian grinned. “Uh, no, my friend. That is not what I meant.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Rumor is that he will be staying. Moving here.”
Sadie twisted her mouth from side to side, thought for a minute. “I wondered why he was buying so much property here.” She paused. “But I can’t imagine what kind of business he would conduct in our Amish community.”
“Maybe it’s not business,” Lillian said. “Maybe he’s moving here to be with you!”
Sadie narrowed her eyes. “Lillian, that is ridiculous! He’s not Amish.” But oh, how I wish he was.
“People convert. Look at me. I did.” She smiled.
“I know, Lillian. But people like Kade don’t do that. Besides, we don’t have that kind of relationship, nor would I ever hear of a man converting to our faith for the wrong reasons. I’m sure Kade’s motives are—”
“Did I hear my name?”
Sadie had gotten so caught up in the conversation that she didn’t realize Kade was standing beside them. “Kade,” she said, her cheeks flushing. She felt like she might cry all of a sudden.
“I missed you,” he whispered in her ear, and Sadie allowed herself to bask in the feel of his closeness.
But she pulled back, unsure what Lillian would think, and wondering if Lillian had heard what Kade said. “It’s so gut of you to come to Jonas and Lizzie’s wedding,” she said.
“I wanted to be here. For a lot of reasons.” He smiled.
“I better go find my family,” Lillian said. “Mamm is proudly toting little Elizabeth around. And David has Anna. As much as I’m enjoying this break, I’ll let you two talk.” She grinned at Sadie, which caused Sadie to blush again.
“It’s good to see you, Sadie,” Kade said when Lillian was gone. He seemed so familiar, as if no time had passed. Sadie gazed into his eyes, wondering, speculating. Then the words flew from her lips. “Are you moving here?”
Kade didn’t seem at all surprised by the question. “Yes,” he said smoothly.
People were bustling past them, particularly the womenfolk, and Sadie knew she needed to head to the kitchen and help prepare the meal. But she had so many questions. “Why? Why are you moving here?”
Kade’s eyes darkened a bit. “I thought you might be glad I was moving here.” He touched her arm. “Can we go outside for a minute to talk?”
“I need to help with the food, and—”
He tugged at her arm and guided her to the door in the den, which led outside. “Just for a minute.” Tyler had taken a seat on the bench with Jonas, and Kade called Jonas’s name. “Will Tyler be all right with you for a few minutes?”
Jonas looked up and nodded.
Sadie glanced over her shoulder, but everyone was busying themselves.
Once outside, Kade practically dragged her around the corner of the house, out of sight.
“Kade, stop it.” She wiggled free of his hold on her arm. “What if someone sees us? Why are we hiding back here? I need to be inside helping with—”
“I missed you, Sadie,” he said again. Kade pulled her close, and she gasped unexpectedly, afraid to stay in his arms, and yet not wanting to push him away either. His lips were so close to hers, she could feel his breath. He was going to kiss her, and what a mess that would make of things. Sadie knew she didn’t have the strength or desire to stop him. God, forgive me.
But he didn’t kiss her. Instead, he spoke softly, but intently, gazing steadily into her eyes—eyes Sadie knew reflected the fear in her heart. Fear he’d stay, fear he’d go.
“I’m not the same man I was before I came here, Sadie. Call it a spiritual awakening, or a spiritual cleansing of sort, but I’m not the same. I want a different life for both Tyler and me. I want that life to be in Lancaster County. I think the world of Jonas . . .” He paused. “And you. I don’t have any expectations past knowing that I need to leave the city, my life as it was, and to start fresh. Basically, I’m taking the steps I feel comfortable with, based on what I believe is God’s will for me. I plan to take things one step at a time. I hope I can count on your friendship.”
It should have been what Sadie wanted to hear. But she was disappointed and wondered why. She already knew that men like Kade didn’t give up their lives to become Amish. But that thought only brought up more questions. Her mind was buzzing, and she was having trouble thinking straight.
“I know you need to go inside to help with the meal,” he said. “Could Tyler and I come by this evening?”
Sadie nodded mechanically. Saying no was not an option, this much she knew. “I’ll cook supper,” she said.
“Wonderful,” he whispered. And then he was gone.
It was later in the afternoon when Kade asked Sadie if she could keep an eye on Tyler while he joined Jonas out by the barn, away from the others. Inside the barn, Jonas retrieved a metal box from the corner of his workbench, although Kade could tell there hadn’t been any actual projects going on for quite a while. Cobwebs covered the vise grip bolted to one corner of the long, wooden table, and sandy dirt covered most of the surface. Jonas pulled an envelope from the metal box and motioned for Kade to sit down on a nearby bench. Jonas sat down on a wooden chair across from him.
“Kade, between my medications for the cancer and this Alzheimer’s disease, my mind is a mess,” Jonas began. “Some days I reckon I do real gut, but some days, I’m not sure who’s who or where I’m at. Before things got too bad, I decided I wanted mei kin to know how I felt about them, how they added to this wunderbaar life the Lord blessed me with. So, I scribbled some letters to mei family, telling each one of them my most private feelings, things I might not be able to say in person.” Jonas pressed his lips together. “We feel things just like other folks, Kade. But as Amish men and women, we know it’s not always proper to say what’s on our minds.”
Kade listened intently, not sure where Jonas was going with this.
“These are the letters.” Jonas held up the envelope. “Lizzie made a promise to me that she’d make sure to give each letter to each person if I die,
or if I just go nuts.” He lightly tugged at his long, gray beard. “And Lizzie has letters, too, to her kin. I’d promised to give them to each person.” Jonas shook his head. “But we recently combined all our letters in this envelope. We fear that we could both not have our right minds at the same time, and no one would find the letters, or at least not for a while. And we reckon it might help our loved ones know what they meant to us, to help them durin’ a time of grief, or even worse—if we were still on God’s earth but not in our right minds.”
“I think that’s a nice idea, Jonas.”
Jonas handed Kade the envelope. “I’d like for you to make sure everyone gets these letters at the right time. I reckon if some-thin’ happened to Lizzie, my mind would be like slosh, and I’m worried I’d forget where I put them.”
“I’d be honored, Jonas.” Kade accepted the envelope. “I will take care of this, if ever there becomes a need.”
“Ach, there will come a need.” Jonas chuckled. “Just ain’t sure when.”
“Can I ask you . . .” Kade hesitated. “Why me?”
“Why not you?”
Kade smiled. That was Jonas’s way, and as Jonas had stated before, he wasn’t comfortable being open with his feelings. But Kade knew it was an honor to be asked to do this on behalf of both Jonas and Lizzie.
“I feel better we’ve handled this, Kade. I trust you to take care of it.” Jonas took a deep breath. “But now I reckon I need to talk to you about something else.”
“What’s that?” Something in Jonas’s tone worried Kade.
“You ain’t gonna like it, but I’m gonna speak the truth.”
“Okay,” Kade said.
Jonas took another deep breath. “I know you’re planning to move here, Kade, and I’m pleased by this. I also know that you gave Noah a large amount of money to open a school next to his clinic, a school for special children, like Tyler and some of the others in our community. This pleases me also.”
Kade opened his mouth to ask how Jonas knew this, but Jonas flashed his palm forward.
“And I know you plan to live on the other farm you bought, the King place.” He paused. “’Tis gut as well.”
Kade heard the but coming, loud and clear.
“But until you know if you plan to convert yourself to the Amish faith, renounce your worldly ways, and live as one of us by putting your faith in all that is God’s will—then you need not be courtin’ Sadie in any manner.”
Kade wasn’t sure he understood what Jonas was telling him. “But we can be friends, right?”
Jonas took off his hat and placed it on his knee. His eyes shone with implacable determination as he spoke. “If you have any thoughts of comin’ here to test the waters, spend time with Sadie, and then make a decision one way or the other, it ain’t right. You kids spent a lot of time together durin’ the blizzard, and I looked the other way. But with you comin’ here to live, it’s only right that I tell you how I feel.”
“I’m not sure I understand.” Kade tipped his head to one side.
“I believe the Englisch say, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too.’ And what I mean ’bout that is, you find your way first, Kade. Don’t be courtin’ Sadie without having made a commitment to the faith. Ain’t fair to her.”
Kade sat quietly for a moment.
“Can you say with certainty that you are going to leave all your worldly ways behind you and become a true member of our community through baptism?”
“Well, no, not yet. But I’m selling most of my personal possessions, donating them to charities, downsizing my life, all in an effort to see—” He stopped. Jonas was right. He was reducing his material baggage, and he was trying to turn his life over to God. But he hadn’t made a final decision to commit to the Amish ways.
“When you can look me in the eye and tell me that you are ready to live as an Amish man, then, and only then, would it be appropriate to court our Sadie. You may think that you might want to be Amish, but more time is needed. I reckon I will continue to teach you the ways of the Ordnung as long as my mind allows me to, if you’d like.”
Kade considered Jonas’s comments. “I want to learn everything I can. I guess I thought that I could still spend time with Sadie while I was doing that, and—”
Jonas was shaking his head. “It’s not right, Kade.”
“But Bishop Ebersol wouldn’t have to know,” Kade said.
Jonas’s expression was solemn and reprimanding. “But you will know. God will know.” Jonas stood up. “I will leave you to think on this.”
Kade sat in the barn for about twenty minutes, thinking about everything Jonas said. With much regret, he knew what he had to do.
He found Sadie in the house with Tyler. They were smiling and laughing. It was a picture-perfect moment, and he was about to ruin it.
22
SADIE UNLOCKED THE DOOR AT HER SHOP. THEN SHE sprung open the windows and allowed the crisp April winds to blow in, bringing with it the sweet smell of wildflowers. She inhaled, hoping the aromas would fill her senses with the tranquillity of the season. Spring was her favorite time of year, but on this day, it was taking all her effort to enjoy the beautiful weather.
She’d heard that Kade and Tyler were settled in at the King farm, even though she hadn’t heard from him since the day of Jonas and Lizzie’s wedding. Following his abrupt departure from the wedding, he’d returned a few weeks later to take up residence less than a mile away from her.
Her last conversation with Kade replayed again and again in her mind, and each time her thought process concluded, she was right back where she started, wondering what her future held.
Kade had canceled supper that evening with only a vague explanation. “I want to be a better man, Sadie,” he’d said. “And I think I’m going to need some time to myself, just Tyler and me, for a while. Do you understand?”
Sadie didn’t understand, but she’d nodded just the same, unsure what had changed since earlier in the day. She had wanted to ask him, how much time? And why did he have to distance himself from her in such a way? But then he added, “Only God can see past this moment, so I promise to walk with Him and see where His road leads me.”
And that was something Sadie couldn’t argue with, no matter how much she wanted to.
Yet, after all this time, she hadn’t laid eyes on him, and Sadie had decided that Kade’s promise to walk with God was not leading him toward her. Otherwise, surely he would have been by for a brief visit or something. She’d also heard rumor that Kade was involved in a business deal with Noah. It’s okay for him to socialize and do business with other members of the community and not me?
Bitterness tugged at her heart—a heart filled with holes that she was tired of plugging. First Ben. Then Milo. And now Kade. Each bringing his own heartache. Sadie was done opening her heart or praying for a happy ending. Instead, she busied herself with other things and constantly prayed that God would help her understand His plan for her—a plan that seemed destined for her to be alone. But she knew that marrying a man she didn’t love would have never brought her true happiness. Better to be alone. “It’s a gorgeous day,” Mary Ellen said as she walked into the shop.
Rebecca followed behind her. “Ya. I love this time of year.”
Both women walked over to Sadie, who stood near a rack of quilts on the far wall.
“I’m just adding this quilt to the others,” Sadie said. It wasn’t her scheduled day to work, and she had lots to do at her house. She heaved the quilt onto a large wire hanger for such a purpose. “I’ve already put a price tag on it. Sarah Jane dropped it off yesterday.”
“I reckon you’ll be readying your haus for church service this Sunday?” Mary Ellen asked. She helped Sadie straighten the quilt on the hanger.
“Ya. I’m getting ready to head to the house now.”
Sadie hadn’t hosted worship service at her house in almost nine months, which was about the amount of time it took to circle back to her after other members of the c
ommunity took their turns. There was much to do in order to ready the house for such a gathering, a group of almost one hundred. And she only had today and tomorrow to do so. Samuel and several other men would be by tomorrow to help line up the wooden benches she kept in the barn and to remove the panel in her den for the occasion. The wooden room divider, a common addition to most Amish homes, separated Sadie’s large den into two rooms. But on worship day, the two cozy areas became one large space big enough to host everyone.
Ben had loved having church service in their home. She missed him now, more than ever. And despite her bitterness, she also missed Kade and Tyler.
How naive she had been. She’d thought that Kade was moving here to be close to her, when he was really only here for business opportunities, opportunities he only knew about because of acquaintances that Sadie had introduced him to. He didn’t even bring Tyler by to see her. Nothing. Her anger at him kept dragging her down. Eventually she’d have to pick herself back up, determined not to let Kade Saunders get the best of her.
Even all these weeks later, she could still see his face, feel his arms around her, and hear the sound of his laughter. She missed Tyler, too, his gentle ways, his innocent giggle. She recalled the way he’d clung tightly to her at the wedding. If she allowed herself to think too much about the two of them, it always brought forth tears. And there was way too much to do today to allow herself the luxury of feeling sorry for herself. So, with that thought, she bid good-bye to Mary Ellen and Rebecca and trudged toward home, to begin a thorough cleaning of the farmhouse.
Kade and Tyler spent most of their time with Jonas, at his place, when they were not in their new home. Not a day went by when Kade didn’t long to see Sadie. Tyler was adjusting to his schedule, and Mary Ellen’s daughter, Linda, babysat him when it was necessary for Kade to be without him. Today was one of those days.
“Thank you, Linda,” Kade said when the girl arrived to keep an eye on Tyler for a while. “I shouldn’t be gone more than an hour or so.” Tyler liked the teenager, and Linda seemed to enjoy taking care of Tyler as well. However, today, Linda had a strange look on her face.
