by Jan Bowles
“That’s not a reason for treating you the way they did. Don’t make excuses for them, Jess. Don’t look for reasons, and most of all don’t blame yourself. You were just a child—a kid.” He took hold of her shoulders and stared deep into her eyes. “Listen to me. You are not responsible for the actions of your parents. The blame stops here, understand?”
“Yes, I’m getting there, Reed. I haven’t seen either of them for years. They never loved me and they never will, and because I’m stronger now that’s just fine by me. I’ve moved on.”
He kissed her full on the lips. “Good girl. That’s the spirit.”
She wanted to tell him everything, so she stroked her bare forearms again, well aware that Reed was a naturally inquisitive man.
“Your arms let me see them. Let me take a closer look. Let me see what those bastards did to you.”
“They told me I was a bad child, an evil and disobedient child.” She felt the tears welling in her eyes again, but refused to cry. “I’m not going to empower them by breaking down. Sadistic bastards. I hate them and pity them at the same time. What a waste of human life.”
“They burned you didn’t they, Jess? I recognize those scars on your arms. They burned you with lighted cigarettes.”
“Yes, regularly. They didn’t need a reason. My mother would pin me to the floor and then my father would burn me with his cigarette. Although permanently intoxicated, he knew exactly where to do it so it didn’t show.
“I can see it now as though it were yesterday. My mother’s face would be contorted with rage as she held me down. ‘Teach the little fucking bitch a lesson, Fred. Teach her to be less clumsy so she won’t knock over our drinks again.’ I screamed the house down because the pain was indescribable.”
She shook her head. “Crazy. Fucking crazy, and do you know what I used to scream while these…these…these…godless people were abusing me. I used to scream, ‘Mummy, Daddy, I’m sorry. I’ll never be a bad girl again, I promise I won’t.’”
Reed’s body was as tight as a drum as it vibrated against her, and it was clear that his blood was up. “Do you know what I’d do if your old man was standing right in front of me now, Jess?” She understood the character of the guy cradling her in his strong arms, and was under no illusion as to what Reed was capable of.
“I imagine that you’d beat the crap out of him.”
“Yeah, that’s right. I’d beat the crap out of him. Not only would I beat the crap out of him, but I would do it the same number of times he and his sadistic bitch of a wife terrorized that frightened little girl all those years ago. Does that sound about fair to you?”
She stroked his hand, fully aware that he wasn’t bluffing. “I’d say that you would be letting the bastard off too lightly.”
“Me, too, because no amount of physical pain is enough for what he did to you. And as for your mother, well, words fail me.”
The word mother had a warm and nurturing feel to it. “She wasn’t my mother, Reed. I didn’t have a mother in the true sense of the word. The hateful woman who helped to destroy my childhood was simply the vessel I slid from to enter this fucked-up world.”
“Yeah and even that description sounds too good for her. What do you feel when you think about her now, think about them both?”
“Empty. I used to seethe with anger and resentment at the way they treated me, but now I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I haven’t had any contact with mother since I was ten, my dad even longer. It’s almost like they don’t exist anymore—never existed in the first place.”
“That’s good, Jess. Real good, because when they finally curl up their toes and turn to dust, the world won’t even notice they have gone.” He held her close. “Go on tell me more, baby. Tell me everything. That is, if you feel up to it.”
Wanting to purge her soul once and for all, Jessica took a deep breath. “Once I’ve told you all there is to tell, I won’t speak of them again. Do we have a deal, Reed?”
“You got it. With my help, you’re brave enough and resilient enough to deal with this.”
She swallowed nervously. “Yes. That wasn’t always the case, but yes. They didn’t feed me properly, because there was so little food in the house.”
“I presume all the money was spent on liquor for themselves?”
“That’s right. And as a result I became emaciated and my appearance almost skeletal.”
“Jesus, why didn’t somebody do something? Why didn’t somebody see what was happening to this frightened helpless kid?”
“Eventually they did do something, but for some unknown reason it took them a long time to realize what was going on right before their very eyes. The cops were the first to turn up, probably tipped off by my schoolteachers. I looked so thin and gaunt by this time that it was obvious that something was wrong, very wrong.”
“And the cops took you to a place of safety, right?”
“No. Far from it. Somehow my parents talked their way out of it, by telling the police they had financial problems. They told them they would soon turn things around when my father found a job. My parents may be chronic alcoholics, Reed, but they are also clever, devious, and manipulative people.”
“And the cops believed this crock of shit?”
“Must have, because they left. As soon as the squad car had disappeared, I was severely beaten for…in their words, causing them so much trouble. That was when they first punished me by burning me with a lighted cigarette.”
Jessica felt his body heave against hers. “Tell me where they live, Jess, because I’m gonna go pay them a visit and bust their skulls wide open. The way I feel right now I don’t give a fuck about the consequences of my actions. I’ll worry about that later.”
He meant it, too. “No, Reed. Although they both deserve to suffer, I want to move on with my life. I won’t allow my past to spoil my future.”
She gently cupped his angry face in her hands. “I need you here with me, Reed. Not spending years in the state penitentiary because you’ve killed two worthless individuals who aren’t fit to lick your boots. Promise me you won’t hunt them down? I don’t want you to.”
He dragged a hand through gorgeous dark hair, and she knew he was finding this as difficult as she was. “Okay, I give you my word.”
“Good, I’ll continue then. Over the next two years a procession of cops and social workers visited the house, and although questions were asked and statements taken, all of these so-called professionals naively believed the assurances they were given by my parents. I mean, did these people not have eyes? I was dirty, my clothes were dirty and torn. The house was filthy, unsanitary even, and had no food in the fridge. I was barely half the weight a child of my age should be, and to add insult to injury, both my parents were virtually incoherent with the effects of the liquor they had consumed. The authorities witnessed all this firsthand, and yet still they left me with my tormentors. Jesus Christ, Reed, not once did anyone ask me for my side of the story. It was as though they couldn’t see me. All this did was to further reinforce that everything was my fault, and that I was the one to blame.”
Chapter Eleven
Reed was finding the account of her early life hard to comprehend, and clearly angry, dragged a hand through his hair again.
“Okay, so people are only human, and I accept that mistakes can be made. That’s life. But Jesus Christ, Jess, what you are describing is no less than incompetence on a grand scale. I mean, didn’t the cops and social workers talk to each other? Didn’t they compare notes and experiences?”
“Apparently not, and if they did then the importance of the situation fundamentally escaped them. My parents duped all of these supposedly intelligent people. They were able to transform themselves from monsters into saints every time a cop or social worker dropped by unexpectedly. As soon as they left, the beatings would start again, because according to my parents, it was all my fault that these interfering people were knocking at their door.
“They were so angry, a
nd I was just a kid, so I believed what they said. Why wouldn’t I? By this time I was totally indoctrinated by their poisonous mantra… It’s all your fault… It’s all your fault… It’s all your fault.”
“Well, let me tell you right now that it wasn’t your fault, Jess. How could it be? The fact that these animals blame you—an innocent kid—just goes to show how fucked-up and dysfunctional they were. What’s more, I don’t buy it when you tell me that the cops were so easily hoodwinked by a couple of pathetic alcoholics. If they were, then they should lose their fucking jobs along with their pensions. I feel for you, Jess, really I do, and I’m so proud that you had the strength to make it through to become the woman you are today.”
She kissed his cheek. “Thank you. Your opinion means a lot to me, Reed. Sometimes good things come from bad, and when my mother broke my wrist by throwing me against the wall, events finally came to a head.”
Her eyes were glassy enough for him to notice.
“Go on, Jess. I’m right here, baby.”
“My schoolteacher, Ms. Ronson, saw that my wrist was swollen, and that I couldn’t hold a pencil or crayon properly. I remember it as though it were yesterday, Reed, because she hunkered down to my level, stroked my cheek and whispered, ‘What happened, sweetie? You can tell me. You can trust me, Jessica.’ I really liked Ms. Ronson because she was always kind to me and not consumed with rage like my parents. Despite her genuine compassion, I initially told her that I had simply fallen over in the playground. God only knows why, but even after all the abuse I suffered I was still trying to protect them. Ms. Ronson didn’t believe my version of events and gently persisted. Her strategy worked, because from out of nowhere giant sobs suddenly erupted from me, so much so that I didn’t care I was making an exhibition of myself as I broke down in front of the whole class. I remember weeping inconsolably as I blurted out, ‘My Mum did it. My mum did it, and she hits me so hard that it hurts. It really hurts.’ I remember it all just coming out in a garbled rush. ‘And my dad…he–he–he burns me with his cigarettes, but it’s all my fault. I make him do it, because I’m bad. I’m no good.’
“I remember a mixture of guilt and relief flood through my body as Ms. Ronson cradled me in her arms. ‘Shhh, Jessica. It’s not your fault, little one. It’s not your fault, and I’m going to make sure that nobody harms you ever again.’ Looking back, Ms. Ronson was my salvation, and when I think of her, I remember this lady with tears in her eyes, just like I have now.”
Reed kissed those tears away. “Brave girl. Such a brave girl.”
“I was just ten years old, and finally the wheels were starting to turn. My parents were charged with child abuse and neglect, and because of the length and severity of that neglect, my father was sent to prison for eight years. Sickeningly, my mother portrayed herself as a victim—one who was under the absolute control of my abusive father. In reality nothing could have been further from the truth. Many times she was the instigator of the violence. God damn her to hell, Reed, but the judge believed her lies and was fooled by her crocodile tears. He described her as an unfit mother, a pitiful woman, one who was controlled and manipulated by a tyrannical husband. Jesus, Reed, the crazy unrepentant bitch fooled them all. It’s hard to believe, and it hurts even today when I think about it, but she walked free.”
She snuggled against his warm embrace. “Do you know something, Reed?”
“What?”
“Having abusive, fucked-up, and totally selfish parents was the best thing that could ever have happened to me.”
“I believe what you have just said could be construed as gallows humor. Okay, go on, tell me why.”
“Because without these biological misfits, I would never have had the privilege of meeting my real parents. By real, I mean responsible, loving people who wouldn’t dream of hurting the vulnerable and frightened child in their charge. By real, I mean parents who were selfless rather than selfish. Kind rather than brutal. My adoptive parents were lovely people, Reed. People who made me believe that I could do just about anything if I put my mind to it.”
“They sound wonderful, Jess, but I notice that you use the past tense when you talk about them.”
“Yes, sadly. Reed, are you familiar with the old saying, the one that goes something like, ‘That which doesn’t destroy us only makes us stronger?’”
He laughed, lightening the mood a little. “Yeah, I’m familiar with it all right. Oh boy, am I familiar with it.”
“Well, don’t you find it appropriate? Let’s face it. You and I have had more than our fair share of dark days, yet despite this we’ve pulled through. Pulled through, not only to survive but to thrive. I mean, you and Shane had to deal with the loss of your parents when their plane crashed in the Rockies. Then, as if that wasn’t enough for one lifetime, you also had to deal with the loss of your sister when the car she and little Ellie May were travelling in was hit by a drunken truck driver.”
“Yeah, dark days indeed, Jess, but no one ever said that life was fair. But you already know that because of the traumatic childhood you had to endure. You’ve come this far, baby. Would you like to tell me what became of your parents? By parents I obviously mean the loving and nurturing people who helped you to turn your life around. I certainly don’t mean the sick fuck-ups who made your life hell on earth for the first ten years of your life.”
“Well, it saddens me to tell you that my beautiful mother Sarah Louise Hyde died of lung cancer when I was nineteen. She was just fifty years old, and had never smoked a single cigarette in her entire life. How unfair is that?”
“And your father?”
Jessica shook her head. This was hard, but with Reed’s comforting arms wrapped tightly around her, she somehow found the strength to carry on.
“Even more tragic than my mother. Less than a year later I found him dead in bed one morning. He was fifty-six years old and a wonderful man who went by the name of Charles Hilton Hyde. My original surname was Devlin, which I changed as soon as I was old enough.”
“Good move.” Reed appeared slightly uncomfortable. “Your father? You say you found him dead in his bed. Was it suicide, Jess?”
She sighed loudly. “No. That was also my first thought, because Dad was a fit and healthy guy. I mean, how many fifty-six-year-old men go to sleep each night, but don’t wake up in the morning?”
“Not many.”
“I guessed something was wrong, because Dad was always first up, and when I went to his bedroom to find out what the problem was, I immediately knew that he had passed away during the night. His pallor was unearthly and his mouth was open. Jesus, Reed, it was truly horrible to find him like that. I was barely twenty, but as my mum and dad were unable to have any children of their own, it was up to me to make the arrangements for the funeral. I suppose in some respects I became a proper adult that day. A real grown-up.”
“Sounds to me like you stepped up to the plate and didn’t shrink from your responsibilities.”
“I like to think so, and anyway it was the least I could do for a man who had given me so much. Because Dad was only fifty-six the powers that be insisted on performing an autopsy.” She sighed again. “He was a lovely, lovely man, Reed, and not once in the ten years I had the privilege to be his daughter did he so much as raise his voice to me.”
“Sounds like a father to be proud of. Was there anything to be learned from the autopsy, Jess?”
“Apparently dad had a congenital heart condition which he was totally unaware of. I was informed that he could have died at any time.”
She stroked his face. “None of us know what lies just around the corner, Reed. Doctors don’t know everything, and although I was given a logical explanation for Dad’s early death, I still believe that he died of a broken heart. He adored my mother as much as I did, and after she passed away the light in Dad’s twinkling eyes slowly began to fade. For the last six months of his life, the twinkle that I loved so much disappeared completely.”
Reed stroked her a
rm as she lay nestled in his embrace, and although he hadn’t told her he loved her, Jessica knew he did. “That’s sad, Jess. Real sad, but these fine, upstanding people left you a lifetime of beautiful memories as their parting gift.”
Jessica felt herself starting to well up again and frantically fanned a hand in front of her face. “Don’t, Reed. I’m emotional enough as it is. You’ll only start me off again. You’re right, though. Mum and Dad were the parents I should have been blessed with in the first place. As you know, I’m usually a placid sort of girl, but if ever I was to hear anybody disrespect them then I wouldn’t hesitate to rip their face off.” Jessica paused to contemplate her words. “Well…on reflection, perhaps I wouldn’t go quite that far.”
She laughed, causing Reed to also laugh. “That untamed wildcat is bubbling just below the surface, baby.”
“Dad was an intelligent and articulate man. He was a professor of mathematics at Princeton, and could also speak nine languages.”
“Ah, I see a pattern beginning to emerge here.”
“You’re right. Although I speak only six languages fluently. However, I can buy a coffee or book a hotel room with another half dozen if I have to.”
“Modest little thing, aren’t we?”
She loved this dominant yet compassionate man more with each passing moment. “Dad made learning languages fun, so it was never a chore for me. Every time he returned home, I would always ask, ‘What language are you going to teach me today, Dad?’ I adored being with him, and he and my mother were the people who planted that ‘can do anything’ spirit into my imagination. I owe them both so much, Reed, which is more than can be said of my birth parents.”
“When did you last see these misfits, Jess?”
“I was ten when I last saw the individual that gave birth to me. I was being taken to a place of safety for my own good. I spent six months in a children’s home until I was finally adopted by parents who were responsible and kind enough to live up to the title. As I was taken away by social workers, the look on my birth mother’s face said it all. ‘I hate you, child. I despise you for all the trouble you have caused me.’ Not once did she seek permission to visit me in the children’s home, and I was glad, because for the first time I began to realize there was a better world out there.”
