“I don’t accept that.”
“Too bad. That’s truth. Is there anything you’ve left out?”
He shifted on his feet and she held her stomach. She couldn’t take any more.
“I told you I play poker at the Low Down on Friday nights. But I didn’t tell you that Sully Johnson is my cousin, mother’s side. I found out about your dessert contract from you and haven’t been in the Low Down since.”
She felt like she’d gotten clawed by one of those Sci-Fi movie monsters and her chest was ripping apart. Was he going to challenge every part of her being?
Shane gazed at her. “I gave Steven your number for his son’s birthday cake to help your business. That’s it. I’m not taking this back.” He tossed the bills to her desk. “I may have not told you the whole thing…”
“Lied, Shane.”
“All right, I lied, Kennie. But more than lying to you, I lied to myself. I couldn’t…can’t accept that I made that mistake. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to.”
He looked like he wanted to grab her and hold her, but he didn’t. He went to the doorway and stood for a minute. “I’ll get my gear and clear out, but I’m not giving up. I love you.”
“Love without trust isn’t something to be proud of, Shane. You didn’t trust me with your most basic truths, the things that matter. I can’t believe in us without that.”
“Fair enough. I have to start over and show you that this was never about you.”
He walked down the hall to the bedroom. The noises of him loading his gear drove a spike in her heart, every sound another whack.
Could have been five minutes. Could have been a fraction of that or double that. She didn’t know. He came back with his duffle slung over his shoulder. “I’m coming back.”
She wanted to say “don’t.”
Her mouth formed the words, but she didn’t utter them.
He turned to the front door and she followed his heavy steps until the door closed and she heard him step off the porch.
She didn’t know what to do.
Crying seemed best.
∞∞∞ ∞∞∞
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Shane pushed open the barn doors and stood for a moment in the darkness. Jess’s truck was up at the house parked next to his father’s. Gifford’s truck was parked behind them next to Nick’s SUV. God, how news must have traveled! He tossed his cell phone and his keys on the workbench by the tack room and went for his saddle.
The sun was close to setting, but he had to get out, get away. If he could rip his heart out, he might be able to breathe. A wad of tears plugged his throat and a world of raw pain rode his chest. He couldn’t fault Kendra for any of it. He needed to find solace somewhere, somehow.
Lost.
In body, soul and direction.
How long had he been making decisions based on that one moment in time with Bill? How did he resolve that anger at himself? Because he couldn’t go back to Kendra and beg her to try again until he figured that out.
He pulled Dreamer out of her stall. “Hey girl, got a ride in you?”
She whinnied and bumped his shoulder with her nose.
He saddled her with subconscious efficiency and led her out of the barn and through the gate into the pasture. He mounted up and glanced up at the house. His dad was on the porch watching him.
He gave him a wave and coaxed Dreamer into a good clip. She was happy to oblige and settled into a rhythm that was typical for their rides. He closed his eyes and let her lead.
Every bounce expanded the hurt with the breadth of the outdoors, flowing and ebbing until he let the tears fall. He’d ruined every bit of respect Kendra had for him. The thing he feared the most – her not understanding how he could make the mistakes he had – had been a side note. The lies had been the sticking point.
Love without trust isn’t something to be proud of, Shane. You didn’t trust me with your most basic truths, the things that matter.
He squeezed his hands around the reins, anger and frustration pounding on the ache in his chest. The desire to protect himself had resulted in hurting the woman he loved. How did he go back now and convince her he loved her when he’d been willing to lie to protect himself? How did she learn she could trust him again?
He’d never been able to talk with Bill about what happened. Besides the fact that talking was difficult for the man, Shane never had the nerve to hear what he had to say. So he visited, watched television, found audio books, kept him company and did whatever he could to help the man’s sister, but he never asked.
The backlash of that day festered and polluted. He hadn’t trusted anyone with it and he should have, would have with anything else.
What had he thought he was doing? Punishing himself? The result had been he’d punished Kendra and his family in a deep need to protect himself when they would have understood.
“Dammit.” He reached the edge of the dry creek bed that bordered Brant McCormick’s ranch and pulled Dreamer to a stop. He got off the horse and walked the dry creek bed.
Brant said it wasn’t your fault.
He might never be able to accept that.
But he needed Kendra in his life and he needed to make peace with himself so he could offer her all his trust, all of who he was. Could he?
He watched the sunset and wished he’d done everything differently. But he hadn’t. Now he had to apologize. He didn’t want to go back, but he needed to talk to his parents and try to explain. Then maybe they could help with how he could make things right with Kendra.
He mounted Dreamer and turned back to the house. She stretched into a run, and Shane went with it, focused on the pounding hooves and the hot breeze blowing on his face.
Darkness had fallen by the time he got back and walked Dreamer to cool her off. He led her into the barn, removed her saddle and started brushing her down.
The barn’s side door squeaked open and Shane mentally sighed. Nick walked into his line of vision.
“What are you doing here?” Shane bent to check Dreamer’s back hooves.
Nick leaned against a post. “Came over to deliver a new saddle to Jess. Heard what happened and since I’m uniquely qualified in the screw up department, seemed I was the logical one for you to talk to. I take it Kendra wasn’t too happy with you?”
“Oh, I passed ‘not too happy’ and skidded right to ‘get out.’”
“Don’t give up.” Nick picked up a cloth from the worktable and rubbed down Shane’s saddle. Since he’d custom made all the O’Hare saddles, Shane was happy to let him work on the leather.
“Got a trust issue with her now.” Shane shifted to check the horse’s front hooves and swallowed the emotion clogging his throat
Nick gave a quiet laugh. “Don’t I know that one. Jennifer always was on me about not sharing, not talking, not letting her in and I didn’t. Not sure what I thought she’d do if she knew the real me, but I ended up doing something stupid, too. She walked away.”
“Why didn’t you go after her?” Shane had never directly asked why Jenn and Nick had split up. They’d divorced, Jennifer had joined the Army and Nick had always been reluctant to talk details. Shane had respected that privacy.
“Thought it was for the best. Thought I wasn’t good enough, that she deserved better. Have since realized I was wrong.”
“You still love her?”
Nick looked up and gave Shane a hard stare. “Yeah, I do. Don’t you make the same mistake. Don’t quit until Kendra knows that’s more important than anything else.”
“Why don’t you go after Jenn now? Fix it?”
Nick grimaced. “She’s in Afghanistan with her unit. Don’t want to start something that will distract her in a war zone.”
Shane mulled that over while he put Dreamer in her stall and handed her a handful of oats.
Nick was putting the saddle up when he came back.
Shane helped him straighten the last of the tack. “I’m not sure where to start with Kendra or my mo
ther.”
Nick followed him to the barn doors. “Your Mom loves you and will forgive you with a good explanation. Kendra’s going to be a bit tougher. Be there and don’t give up. Does she love you, too?”
“I think so.”
“Then do things for her. Little things are as important as big things. Most of all talk to her. Show her stuff you wouldn’t show anyone else.”
Shane nodded. “I can do that.”
“And make peace with this accident business. You should go up to the house and talk to Amy Rose. She got the accident report from the Mayhill Rodeo Association and read it. You might be interested in that.”
“There was an accident report?”
Nick clasped Shane on the shoulder. “Man, you’ve been boxed in by this thing long enough. The view from that box is mighty limited. Talk to that sister-in-law of yours. She contacted a whole bunch of people and asked a ton of questions.”
Shane fisted his hands, mired in anger at her interference. Then he sagged. Facts were facts. Would knowing those change how he felt?
“Call me if you need any help.” Nick walked to his SUV, got in and started the vehicle. Gifford’s truck was gone.
Shane followed him and tapped on the window. Nick rolled it down. “You know this advice is going to come back at you when Jenn gets home.”
Nick smirked. “I’m counting on it. I might need a shove. Jenn has a bit of a temper and I never did tangle with that very well.”
Shane watched Nick pull out and then walked to the porch. His mother was sitting in the rocking chair by the door. Her silver hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail and she wore a pair of jean shorts and a yellow flowered shirt. Her hands made her knitting needles fly on some itty bitty baby thing.
“I’ve been waiting for you.” Her solemn face tore him up.
“I love you, Mom. I’m so sorry.” He went down on one knee in front of her and stilled her hands.
“What I can’t figure is why you thought you had to hide her from us.”
Shane dropped his head and stared at the porch boards. “There were a lot of reasons and none of them good. They don’t matter now. She’s upset and hurt and furious.”
“She should be.”
“I was wanting things to be solid with her before I brought her home. From the beginning I had too much I didn’t tell her. I guess some part of me knew at some point she was going to find out.”
“You are who you are and I’ve always been proud of you. If your father and I could have been there for that rodeo, we could have worked this through then instead of waiting two years with those feelings festering. I always wondered about your move to the fire department. I know you volunteered there for years, but to do it full-time and give up being on the rodeo circuit that you loved? I never understood that decision.”
Shane looked into his mother’s eyes. “I love being a fireman and I don’t regret that choice. I’d already had too many injuries and had already started questioning what I was doing.”
“Jess said you thought you were being cocky.”
“I was full of it, Mom.”
“I don’t believe that. Your father would have knocked that right out of you. Were you full of it or confident?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes. One is arrogant and prideful and self-centered. The other isn’t. You were always good with horses. You were good at rodeo. Bill Fudd’s sister says you’ve been a godsend.”
“You talked to Bill’s sister?”
“Amy Rose did.”
A bit of anger resurfaced. “Boy, she’s really sticking her nose in?”
“No, she’s finding out what happened. She’s trying to help you.”
Shane sighed and rose to slip into the chair at her side. “I know, Mom. I don’t know what I’m saying.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“You want to fix this with Kendra?”
“Yes.”
“Then be who you are, warts and all. Start tomorrow. Because if she can’t love all of you, you don’t want her.”
“It’s not her that’s the problem, Mom. It’s me.”
She put her knitting back in her bag and held out her hand. “Come with me. Let’s go face this with Amy Rose.”
Shane resisted her tug on his hand. “Not sure I want to tonight….” He leaned over, overwhelmed.
“It’s better than avoiding it, son.”
He looked up, not bothering to disguise the tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I know. Want some punishment?” The merriment in her voice made him his frustration loosen.
He took a deep breath. “Sure.”
“Amy Rose and Jess are moving out of the manager house and taking over both the back bedrooms here. We’re going to move a whole bunch of furniture. You get to be the pack mule.”
“I know Jess said the manager house was too small, but I figured she’s got five months before they need to get serious.”
“Three before she’s probably off her feet, I’m guessing. So they need to get settled. They are going to need a lot of hands after those babies get here. Best to get this accomplished now.”
“That’s not punishment, Mom. You know I’ll help.”
“Well, then, think of it as a reminder to you that you have family that loves you.” She tugged on his hand again and he rose.
He followed his mother into the kitchen and expected to find Jess, Amy Rose and his dad at the table staring daggers at him. They weren’t there.
The lights were on low in the living room. Voices came from the end of the hall.
“Sounds like your dad and Jess are talking the move. You want some pie?”
He wasn’t hungry, but caring for people was what his mother did. Feeding him would make her feel better. “Actually, Mom, I didn’t have dinner. Can I beg some leftovers?”
“Sure. Had some pork chops and homemade mac and cheese for dinner. That work?”
“Yeah, Mom. That’s good.” He kissed her cheek and left her to putter in the kitchen. He went into the living room and found Amy Rose stretched out on the sofa pretending to watch the baseball game with no sound but actually snoozing. He pivoted to walk out.
“Don’t go.” Amy Rose yawned and sat up. “I need to talk to you.”
“I hear you’ve been busy.”
“I wasn’t butting in…well, maybe I was. But Jess has been so worried about you.”
He sat down next to her on the sofa and took her hand. “Truth?”
“Yeah.”
“I need all the help I can get.” He choked on the last word, the pain of Kendra’s hurt and his stupidity smacking him once again.
Amy Rose squeezed his hand. “She didn’t take it well, did she?”
Shane gave a little laugh. “Yeah, she had a few things to say to me. All of them right.”
“What can we do to help?”
He felt a bit better at the look of complete concern in her gaze. “Honestly, sis, I have no idea. She accused me of bottling up all the emotions and pretending I was handling it. I thought the situation was pretty cut and dry.”
“Not in any way, Shane.”
“Did you go into this research assuming my guilt or innocence?” He had to ask. He was done dodging the hard stuff.
“Neither. I was looking for facts. I found a bunch. Want to see?”
“Give me the overview.”
“Well, first I found Bill Fudd, but Jess says you knew where he was all along?”
A light blush flashed over his face. “Yeah, I visit him frequently, help his sister out with anything she needs. He lives with her now over in Tyler.”
“Did you ever talk to him about what happened?”
“No. He can’t talk all that well. It’s hard for him and I figured that conversation wouldn’t help.”
“Him or you? Never mind. They interviewed him.”
“Who did?”
“The Mayhill Rodeo Association. About three months after the accident, they talked to
him. He told them what happened and he said it was an accident.”
Shane kept his mouth shut and shook his head.
“What?”
He clamped down hard on once again claiming guilt. He wasn’t sure if he really believed that anymore. “Nothing. Go on.”
“Demon’s Daughter is still on the circuit and in competition. The report said she was more ornery than usual, but there were no health problems present that would have pulled her off the lineup.”
Shane rolled his neck, tension seeping into every muscle. “Amy…”
“I’m not done yet. Hear me out.” She reached out and touched his shoulder and waited until he nodded his head. “I called and talked to three different people who remembered that day. They did a full investigation, talked to dozens of people from different angles, all the horse handlers. It was an accident, Shane. Plain and simple. No one at fault.”
He rose out of his seat and went to the window, staring out into the darkness. “They talked to me, too. I told them the horse was not acting right before hand, told them I knew as soon as I got on her that things were going south and should have done something.”
“They emailed me a copy, Shane. I read the report. They had dozens of other people who had a birds-eye view, too. They had four different angles of video, not to mention staff and cowboys on the fence. Not one of them said it was your fault. Not one. So why do you?”
He stood silent not knowing what to say.
His mother came quietly into the room with a plate and a glass of sweet tea. “Maybe it was easier to cope that way.”
Shane turned around and faced the two women. Jess and his father were standing in the door. “I always thought the way that horse bucked, it should have been me slammed into the fence. God, she was a pistol that day.”
“But it wasn’t and pardon my saying so, I’m glad.” His father walked to his favorite chair and sat down.
“Didn’t seem fair. Bill was pretty fast on his feet. He had the shortest injury list of all the clowns.”
Amy Rose pulled her computer back to her and flipped it on. “He said somewhere in here that he was distracted that day about some family issue. Still the president of the association said he did everything that should have been done, he was in the wrong spot at the same time Demon’s Daughter decided to let loose with her temper. Happens. That’s what he told me on the phone. They concluded they couldn’t have done anything to prevent Bill’s injury and no one was at fault. It’s the nature of the business.”
Pumpkins, Cowboys & Guitars Page 39
