PENGUIN BOOKS
HOW TO BE TOPP
Geoffrey Willans, author of Down With Skool!, How to be Topp, Whizz for Atomms and Back in the Jug Agane, was born and educated in England, and spent time not only as a tiny pupil but also as an extremely perceptive schoolmaster. After active service during the Second World War he joined the BBC as a feature writer. His writing appeared frequently in publications like Punch, Liliput and Blackwoods before his untimely death in 1958, at the age of forty-seven.
Ronald Searle was born in Cambridge in 1920 and was educated there at the Cambridge School of Art. On the outbreak of the Second World War he left his studies to serve in the Royal Engineers and in 1942 was captured by the Japanese at Singapore, then held by them for three and a half years. He is a hugely successful graphic artist and pictorial satirist. As well as his collaboration with Geoffrey Willans on the Molesworth books and his invention of St Trinians, his work has been the subject of numerous exhibitions across the world and appears in several major American and European collections. He moved to Paris in 1961 and then, in 1975, to a remote village in Haute-Provence, where he still lives.
PENGUIN BOOKS
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First published by Max Parrish and Co. Ltd 1954
First published as a Penguin Red Classic 2009
Copyright © Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle, 1954
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN: 978-0-14-193262-0
Contents
Cave!
1 Back to Skool Agane!
2 How to Succeed as a New Bug
Tekneek for New Bugs
Rake’s Progress
How to Write Home
For the Tinies
St Custard’s Explaned
All There is to Kno About Space
3 Akquire Culture and Keep the Brane Clean
How to be Topp in Latin
The Private Life of the Gerund
The Molesworth Day-Dream Service 1
The Grate St Custard’s Flood
Grate Latin Lies
4 A Few Moments in the Underworld
Cads – Oiks – Goody-Goodies – Bulies – Snekes
5 How to be Topp in English
The Return of the Chiff-Chaff
The Molesworth Day-Dream Service 2
The Space-Ship Takes Off
6 Wizz For Games
Batsmanship
Criket – Foopball – Matches – Shooting – Swiming – Conkers – Snakes and Laders
The Gymnasium
7 How to be Topp in French
Pas Devant L’Enfant (Guide to French by Grownups, with Molesworth Thorts)
8 Extra Tew
Spanish
Rusian
Advanced Maths
Music Lessons
9 How to be Topp in All Subjekts
The Molesworth Self-Educator
The Molesworth Bogus Report
10 How to Cope with Grown-Ups
Procedure – Pijaw – The Works
Our Ancestors
Kitchen-wise – Uncles – Grandmothers – A Guide to Aunts
11 Ding-Dong Farely Merily for Xmas
Christmas Eve
The Xmas Carol by C. Dickens
Xmas Nite
The Day
The Molesworth Self-Adjusting Thank-You Letter
Welcome Back!
Cave!
You kno who this is e.g. Me nigel molesworth the curse of st custard’s. I can’t be a sec becos they hav got me on the run and all the headmasters in britain are after me with their GATS and COSHES ect. I kno what it means when they catch up tho actually headmasters seldom do they are fat and canot run for tooffe.
At the moment I am using the natural history museum as a hideout. My friend peason sa i shall be safe there as they will not tell me from all the newts stoats bats and tiny crawling creatures they hav there chiz.
Anyway there is just time to give my felow suferers the fruits of my xperience. You could becom topp if you want to but most pupils do not. If they use this book they could come half way up or even botom hem-hem. Hist! A noise! If they get me before long this will help to cary on the good work, i confess it was me who pinched the cheese from the matron’s mousetrap. Hard cheese on the mouse ha-ha. It was me who—
1
BACK TO SKOOL AGANE!
This is wot it is like when we go back on the skool trane. There are lots of new bugs and all there maters blub they hav every reason if they knew what they were going to. For us old lags however it is just another stretch same as any other and no remision for good conduc. We kno what it will be like at the other end Headmaster beaming skool bus ratle off leaving trail of tuck boxes peason smugling in a box of flat 50 cigs fotherington-tomas left in the lugage rack and new bugs stand as if amazed. Skool now smell not only of chalk latin books skool ink foopball boots and birdseed but carbolic soap as well. White jugs stand in rows in the dorms and various weeds are about the place looking unaturaly clean and civilised. Who knows what adventures in work and pla the next term will bring forth. And who cares, eh?
2
HOW TO SUCCEED AS A NEW BUG
New bugs are wets and weeds their mummies blub when they kiss them goodby while seniors such as me hem-hem stand grimly by licking their slobering chops. No more dolies or William the bear to cuddle and hug, no more fairy stories at nanny’s knee it is all aboard the fairy bus for the dungeons. You hav to hav a bit of patience but once the trane moves out the little victims are YOURS. You put them in the lugage rack with molesworth 2.
Paters at the moment are patting the blubing maters.
‘It is all right old gurl,’ they sa. ‘Skools are not wot they were in my day. Boys are no longer cruel to each other and the masters are frends.’
‘But my Eustace hav been taken away. He is only a baby.’
(You are dead right he is. Fancy sending him to skool with a name like Eustace. They deserve it all.)
Pater stare at his glass of gin reflectively. It will be peaceful at home now. He can relax at the weekends and if it is a good skool Eustace will soon be strong and brany enuff to bring in the coal. He sa:
‘Now in my day it was diferent. When i first went to Grunts they tosted me on a slo fire. Then i ran the gauntlet being flicked with wet towels. Then they stood me aganst the mantelpeace as i am standing
now—’
BANG! CRASH!
Mater gives him sharp uper cut folowed by right cross then zoom up to bed leaving pater wondering why women are so unpredictable. Glumly he pours himself another gin.
MEANWHILE AT ST CUSTARDS. . . . . .
Eustace hav been trussed to a chair and a pair of socks are stuffed in his mouth to stifle his desperate cries. ‘Now,’ sa molesworth the Pukon ‘we will submit you to three trillion volts of the nuclear torturer.’ . . .
DOWN BELOW IN THE STUDY . . . . . .
Tinkle, tinkle.
Is that the telephone, my dere?
Nothing else go tinkle, tinkle, swetehart, unless it be the photograph of that repulsive old custardian in its brite silver frame. Shall I answer?
Pray do.
Tinkle, tink—
It is mrs togglington to enquire after Eustace. Oh yes he hav setled down very well. He was as quiet and as good as a lamb.
(Thinks: Which one was he?)
Yes, there is no need to wory. He hav no spots his head do not ache his knok knees hav given him no trouble. He is as far as we kno unlikely to develop a disease tonite. He hav changed his socks and cleaned his fangs. I have put him in the charge of a v. reliable boy e.g. dere little nigel molesworth.
Eustace mater ring off very relieved cheers cheers and telephone all the other lades about it. Headmaster and wife continue to make wool rug. Masters shiver in their cells. An owl hoot and Eustace is insensible. St custard’s hav begun another term.
TEKNEEK FOR NEW BUGS
HOW NOT TO SUCCEED
New bug is lying back in best chair in the library in portion of the room reserved for prefects. He is eating sweets. Head of the skool enters who hav been chosen for his qualities of leadership devotion to st custard’s ect. In other words he is grabber and joly tuough.
GRABBER: You hav a face like a flea and you could not lift a cucumber.
new bug (with a yawn): Tu quoque, oaf. You also hav a face like a flea and could not lift wot the french call a concombre.
GRABBER: DO you kno who you are talking to?
new bug: Can it be stalin?
GRABBER: i am head of the skool captin of games martial of the squash courts custodian of shooting and garter principal of the natural history museum.
new bug: So what? i am not impressed by wot I hav seen around here. The old brigade hav been in too long. There hav got to be changes. The younger generation is knoking at the door hav some buble gum.
GRABBER: Wot’s your name?
new bug: the lord cedric furnival crabthorn percy constance charles plunk. (He blows a balloon in his buble gum cooly) you may call me pongo.
(Exit.)
SUCCESS
In order to sukceed all new bugs should take a vow of silence for i year. When a senior pass they should lie down and let him walk over them. They should ofer swetes saing go on take the whole bag. They must clean shoes and think of pleasing others. They should not shout molesworth is a grate big wet and then run away to matron.
Aktualy you canot ever get new bugs to behave like that and the best thing is to avoid them. If you get put in charge of them it is like a film of sno white all in technicolour or 3D or something.
new bugs are all sitting on toadstools in forest plaing with lambs and deers. Birds flit about. Enter molesworth growling and cursing.
come here you horrid ticks!
(All cower the forest goes dark.)
do you hear me ticks. You will all get six!
A robin: tweet!
who said that? i will bash the lot of you. i will utterly tuough you up.
(Thunder: all the new bugs deer and lambs run away. Litening pla around my horns.)
get your handiwork cracking produce your plastissene for free xpresion and the other wedy things you do.
(i catch a new bug and let him dance on the palm of my hand.)
a new bug: you are not tuough.
Wot me?
a new bug: you hav a hart of gold.
Discovered! Curses!
a new bug: won’t you pla with us?
No!
a new bug: Come on fellers he won’t hurt you he is a grate big sham.
All: hee-hee-hee-hee! They dance back with lambs and robins. The sun come out and i find myself singing a song with them chiz chiz chiz chiz.
Rake’s Progress
1. this is parkinson. I want you to help him settle down. 2. Here is your desk, parkinson.
3. Here are some sums. Let us see if you can add. 4.
5. 6.
7. 8.
HOW TO WRITE HOME
New bugs often canot write xcept this way:—
However miss pringle soon lick them into shape. She get out her gat and sa: You may look like a lot of new-born babes in yore first grey shorts but it won’t wash with me. I am going to hav it MY way. O.K. let’s go. All the gifts of sno-drops, aples sweets and ginger biskits do not alter her iron purpose. Before long a new bug can do in his copy-book
And finally
He is now in the same spot as the rest of us he hav to write home on Sunda. You would think that this precious link between skool and our dear ones would be cherished by all boys. In fact, let us face it, boys do not like writing home chiz and for a joly good reason. There is nothing to sa. Why? Because the truth is so shoking and unspekable that no parent could stand it on a Monday morning. So we hav to gloss it over as it is no use upseting your mater particularly at brekfast on Monday morning.
New bugs when they start writing leters are inclined to be emotional chiz they are a lot of sissies:—
st. custard’s,
Darling mama, darling papa,
i mis you very much, i am lonly. plees kiss my gollywog. never did I apreciate so much the joys and comforts of home life. To think that i was rud to grandad that i scremed when i was told to hav a bath. And how many times hav i refused to come in and go to bed. O woe. Kiss my gollywog agane.
Yours fathefuly
binkie.
nb you had beter kiss grandad too. Or not. As you plese.
After a bit, though, a new bug gets over this sort of stuff. i mean gollywogs and tedy bears, I ask you! i would not be suprised if som of them hav not a doll which say Mama Mama and go to slepe. Aktualy some toys are not bad. i had a super monkey called spinach of whom (grammer) i was very fond, i would always go to slepe with it nestling on my pilow and . . . . . . . . . . . . CHIZ! CURSES! wot am i saying?
Leters home in the end develop into a contest between parent and weeny one which come into a full crescendo in middle-life hem-hem as they sa in some of the sunda papers. Note the cooling of the ardour. O woe agane but that is the tragedy nb paters and maters we still luv you reely. Beter than our gollywogs anyway.
LETER:
st. custard’s
Sunda.
Dearest Mummy (and Daddy)
We played aganst porridge court on Saturday. We lost 9 – 0. The film was a western. Will you send me a bakterial gun. They are 6/6 at grabbers.
With love from
Nigel.
ANSER:
Barleywaters.
Clotshire.
Monda
My dearest darling most beloved nigel,
It was marvelous super to get your lovely long leter with all its news. I have telephoned grabbers to send the gun. Are you taking your lozenges? Please let me kno. Wot a shame about porridge court i xpect you will win next year. [hem-hem. not a hope]. There is very litle to tell you. the snodrops are out and yore father is in a filthy temper but these facts hav nothing to do with each other. Do not forget, darling, to let me kno about the lozenges
Your fondest superest ever-loving
Mummy.
P.S. Don’t forget about the lozenges, darling.
LETER:
st. custard’s.
Sunda.
Dear Mummy and Daddy,
We played aganst howler house on Saturday. We lost 9 – 0. The film was micky mouse. Thank you for the bakterial gun. W
ill you send me a jet-propeled airship. (17/6)
Love from
nigel.
ANSER:
Barleywaters, Clotshire.
My ever-darlingest superest most smashing and admired son Nigel,
Your letter was a wonderful surprise and so full of news. Your handriting hav improved beyond mesure. You did not mention about the lozenges darling will you be sure and let me kno next time. Do not wory too much about your lessons i kno you are doing your best. The crocus are out now but yore father is still in a filthy temper so i hav ordered the jet-propeled airship myself. Don’t forget about the lozenges and Gollywog send his love.
Your most tremendously affectionate divinely superly adoring mater
Mummy
p.s don’t forget about the lozenges.
LETER:
st. custard’s
Sunda.
Mummy,
(A) v poopwell hall. Lost 6 – 0.
(B) tarzan of the apes.
(C) a self-propelling car (£125 – 0 – 0.)
Yrs.
nigel.
OTHER CORESPONDENCE
Of course we do not only get leters from our parents. There are leters from gurl friends and the ushual sekretarial mail as hon. sec. of the youth club hem-hem. There are also those leters which you put away hastily after reading the first line. e.g. Dere molesworth, Yore overdraft facilities are due for review. – or 2/- each way Claptrap. You win 0. You lose 4/- prompt setlement will enable us to kepe our books in order. All of these are a chiz and on the whole no good comes of them. let us pass to more siggnificant things.
FOR THE TINIES
Some new bugs are so well educcated at their dame skools that they can read when they get to st custards. They will soon forget after a term or 2 give them time give them time. Meanwhile their ever-loving parents send them maggazines and storybooks every thursday chiz to keep alite the dying flame of kulture.
How to be Topp Page 1
