Batsmanship
1. The stance 2. Left leg towards the ball
3. Eye on the ball 4. Swing of the bat
5. Well over it 6. Follow through
7. The Final Phase
CRIKET
There is only one thing in criket and that is the STRATE BAT. Keep yore bat strate boy and all will be all right in life as in criket. So headmasters sa, but when my bat is strate i still get bowled is that an omen chiz. Aktually i usually prefer to hav a slosh: i get bowled just the same but it is more satisfactory.
For the reason that it is extremely dificult to hit the ball with a STRATE BAT or not criket matches are a bit of a strane. When you are a new bug or a junior in the 3rd game it is all right becos then you can sit around the boundary and keep the score in a notebook. When you get tired with that which is about 3 minits you can begin to tuough up your frendes and neighbours who look so sweet and angelic in their clean white criket shirts hem-hem. This is super. You look up long enuff to sa Good shot, grabber or Couldn’t hit a squashed tomato and then back to the fray.
But it is a funy thing when you grow biger you always get into a criket team you canot avoid it chiz. Tremble tremble you arive and see the pitch which is 2388 miles approx from the pavilion. Captain win toss and choose to bat chiz chiz chiz chiz. Moan drone tremble tremble you sit with white face and with everybode’s knees knoking together it sound like a coconut shy. Wot is the pleasure of it eh i would like to kno. Give me a thumbscrew or slo fire every time.
When your turn come the folowing things can hapen
(A) You loose your bat.
(B) You fante dead away.
(C) Your trousis fall down.
(D) You trip over your shoe laces.
Captain then come up to you and sa BLOCK EVERYTHING molesworth and do not slosh we need 6 to win.
SOOLILOQUY
Let us pause a while and consider. Ah-me. As i stand here at mid-of how petty it all seme. These flaneled fules, the umpires, the headmaster who bask in his deck chair. All those latin books inside, the shavings in the carpentry shop the japes and wheezes – so much toil so much efort. And it may all be ended in a moment.
When he sa this all the things above hapen all at once. They revive you with a buket of water and drive you out to the wicket. This is not as you guessed 2398 miles away it is 6000 now and they hav men with gats covering all the exits so you canot run away.
AT THE WICKET
Of course it is the fast blower you hav to face he is wating there at the other end of the pitch looking very ferce. Umpire is v. kind he can aford to be he hav not got to bat. He sa
We are very pleesed to see you do make yourself at home. Of course you would like guard what guard would you like us to give you?
Squeak.
Come agane?
Squeak squeak.
i will give you centre hold your bat up strate to you a trifle now away agane. That is centre. Your position is 120 miles NNE of beachy head you may come in and land. There are 5 balls to come. At the 5th pip it will be 4. 2 precisely. Able Baker Out.
PLAY!
Fast blower retreat with the ball mutering and cursing. He stamp on the grass with his grate hary feet he beat his chest and give grate cry. Then with a trumpet of rage he charge towards you. Quake quake ground tremble birdseed fly in all directions if only you can run away but it is not done. Grit teeth close eyes. Ball hit your pads and everyone go mad.
OWSATSIR OW WASIT EHOUT!
Umpire look for a long time he is bent double at last he lift one finger.
He is a difrent man now from the kindly old gendeman who made you feel at home. His voice is harsh.
Distance back to pavilion is now 120000 miles
Out. No arguments. Get cracking. Take that xpresion off your face. On course at 20000 feet return to base. Out.
Distance back to pavilion is now 120000 miles and all the juniors sa yar boo sucks couldn’t hit a squashed tomato. It is no use saing you were not out by a mile team give you the treatment behind the pav just the same. There is only one consolation you can give it up when you grow up. Then you rustle the paper and sa Wot a shocking show by m.c.c. most deplorable a lot of rabits ect. ect. Well, you kno how they go on. Enuff.
FOOPBALL
Foopball is a tuough game but it is a pity you canot win by hacking everbode. You hav to be nippy. You hav also to be agile cuning alert skeming courageous and imbecile. But there are a few of us who are only imbeciles cheers cheers cheers and just do wot we can to pla our humble part in that well-oiled foopballing machine which is the st custards eleven i.e. thro mud cakes at fotherington-tomas, encourage skool dog to trip referee and diskuss influence of t. s. eliot on 20th century drama with a few progresive-thinking players of like interests. Another thing we do to cheet the long hours of boredom of the foopball field on a winters afternoon is to diskuss composition of all-time world eleven
WORLD XI
i think a few of those would hold their own in any company and there mite even be a revolution in foopball methods.
MATCHES
st custards was agog with excitement on the day of the match with their grate rivals, porridge court. And then came the blo which spread consternation through the skool making faces in maths classes glumer even than ushual. Hary mugwort, the briliant centre forward, had been put into deten by sigismund the mad maths master for saing BANG whenever a perpendicular was droped. He must miss the match and who would take his place? nigel molesworth was quietly tuoughing up the junior ticks when the footer captain tapped him on the shoulder. ‘You are in the team, molesworth,’ he sa. ‘ Gratters.’
‘OO gosh wot me. Where will i pla eh?’
‘ Centre forward.’
molesworth then fanted and was revived by the larffter of the junior ticks.
‘oo ha-ha-ha-ha look at baby molesworth who couldn’t kick a flea ect. He thinks he is going to be the hero of the match but we kno beter. Much beter. We kno the match is as good as lost Hahahaha.’
* * *
Hurra! a mighty cheer broke as porridge court scored their eighth gole. With only 5 minits to go the match looked safe for this unsemely colection of huge louts and bulies.
‘Come on st custards,’ sa the footer captain cheerfuly. ‘Only 8 goles down. We can do it. Pla up and pla the game.’
‘8 goles?’ sa molesworth. ‘Gosh.’
So far he had not touched the ball except to tap it off from the centre. He had been the weak link in the chain. Now he determined to pla his natural game. Instead of a tap he kicked off with a tremendous boot at the gole. The ball stuned the fuleback and went into the gole. One to st custard’s. Porridge court kicked off only for molesworth to gane posession and do it agane. He scored from all quarters of the field – 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and, in the last seconds, a mighty crash from a gole kick drove the ball into the porridge court net to win the match. Hurra! The exultant spectators dashed across the field to chair their hero into the pav. . . . . .
Poor saps, i supose you believed all that. You lapped it up, eh, like all those skoolboy stories. But life is not like that. It is not like wot dickens and all those write either.
A REEL MATCH
I am sory to sa it but in reel life foopball matches are a bit diferent. First the porridge court team arive they all look like giants tuough tuough but with blue knees. They hav a keen master with them who sa ‘Warm up knees bend got your coshes. Each of you get into your man and maim him. Here are your gloves golekeeper the lead is inside.’
He then go off to the touchline to cheer and exhort. The rest of st custard’s then arive saing yar boo sucks while masters lash them with knouts. They are then herded at pistol point and made to sing st custard’s cheer
Boom-walla boom walla
Geese walla geese walla
st custard’s hooray!
At this moment gold-plated rolls royce arive with visiting headmaster. Headmasters greet each other.
REEL THORTS OF ST CUSTARD’S HEADMASTER
1. Older and fatter bad colour.
2. Buys his players wot was the transfer fee.
3. Curses curses.
4. Wait till they ask for the porn ticket on the crown jewels.
5. Kno-how? treble fees and toothpaste extra.
Well how are you hoggwart eh wot eh.1 We hav not a bad team won all our last six matches quite promising.2 Of course we are up to 99 boys can’t get another bed in the place.3 And of course royalty is a great responsibility for all.4 But we are building up quite a little shall we sa kno-how 5 in that direction ha-ha.
Peep! the shrill whistle go (keats) the match begin. Headmasters charge up and down the touchline belowing at the tops of their voices.
COME ON PORRIDGE COURT LETS HAV A GOLE. PILE INTO YOUR MEN. MARK THEM. CROSBY-KERSHAW-PARKINSON (Hon. The A.P.R.)
Thring creeps round the other way
MARK YOUR MAN. FOUL! SEND HIM OFF! WILL MILORD KINDLY GET HIS FAT HEAD TO THE BALL? IF YOUR HIGHNESS WILL PERMIT ME AFFAIRS OF STATE ARE NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN CRASHING THE LEATHER INTO THE RETICULE. NO SWEET PRINCE NOT YOUR OWN RETICULE YOU SEE WOT YOU HAV DONE. ON AGANE PORRIDGE COURT ECT.
It is a funy thing tho your side always gets beaten whichever skool you are at. That is like life i supose. fotherington-tomas skips about when he is golie ‘Hullo trees Hullo birds.’ ect. He luv only bountiful nature and perhaps he is right.
SHOOTING
This sounds more fun than it aktualy is. They lend you a gun it is true but you are not alowed to shoot anything you realy want to chiz i.e. masters, the matron, robins, etc. chiz. You could hav wizard fun if you pretend they were red indians chiz but you hav to aim at a weedy target. You mite get a bird of fotherington-tomas by mistake like this but there is not much chance. Besides, they always tell you not to point a gun. If you do not point it wot use is a gun i would like to kno?
SWIMING
Agane the iron hand of authority prevent us from geting the best out of swiming which would otherwise be full of belyflopers, duckings atomic splashes and the shouts and cries of those who perish. Insted we are suspended like a spider chiz on the end of a pole and told to strike out. Most boys in this position do not strike out but suck in which do not help, if i had my way i would be a frogman and look super in a ruber suit and webbed feet but pop sa it is rather xpensive. Anyway peason tell me i look like a frogman without suit or feet chiz chiz so i stooge off to punkture fotherington-tomas ickle pritty water wings.
CONKERS
Conkers is an old-fashioned game which hav been played by generations of british boys. You kno what hapens you pick up a huge horse chestnut which look absolutely super like a derby winner and put some string through it. Then you chalenge grabber or gilibrand who hav a conkerer of 20. You say weedy tilings like
Obbly obbly onker
My first conker
Hay ho hay nonny no ect.
Honour your oponent and turn round on the points of your toes. After that you whirl your conker round and hurl it at the dangling target hem-hem. Successful conkers are always shriveled and weedy. Wot hapens is that your conker either shaters into a milion pieces or flies through the nearest window crash crash tinkle tinkle, (‘i shall make you pay from your poket-money, molesworth, not becos i need the money but becos you must face the consequences of your actions.’)
What is needed in conkers is a new scientific approach. We are too conservative. As new elizabethans we must adventure with science i.e. select a new conker bombard it with uranium 238 (element 92) folow it with a beam of nitrogen atoms fired from a 60 inch cyclotron. If it stands this all the neutrons will hav gummed together in a nucleus. If it do not, turn the cyclotron on molesworth 2 or fotherington-tomas and see wot it do to them. If they disintegrate in less than 2.3 minits the thanks of mankind should be yours but you may be ahead of your time chiz.
SNAKES AND LADERS
If you hav a quiet half hour with one of your dear companions like peason or gillibrand what is nicer than a game of snakes and laders? Aktualy quite a number of things are nicer like a film of marylyn monroe a quiet cig or a plateful of roste turkey but you do not get these things at skool chiz so it have to be snakes and laders.
How to Play. Face oponent and lay all gats and coshes on the hall table. Setle the stakes at 5 bob a corner. Inspect dice. Turn round and tuough up junior ticks for looking. Start cheerfuly go up laders cheers cheers go down snakes. Dice fly and are lost in w.p.b. Stare at snakes and observe resemblance to certain of your contemporaries hem-hem. Go down snake and start agane. Now not so cheerful. Oponent come down. More cheerful. This go on until you are 997 years old and dying of old age. You could take up chess instead but you may find the game too fast.
THE GYMNASIUM
Wot makes a boy healthy and splendid with giant and rip-ling muscles? Wot makes his torso remarkable eh? The answer is not the red ink skull and crossbones on his chest or the tatoo marks i luv maysie on his biceps. The effect is obtained by his WORK in the GYM.
As in other departments of skool life SUKSESS do not always come easily. In fact the grate gymnasiums of Britain are littered with boys who hav broken their legs, brused their branes (if any) grazed their shins and sufered horibly. You can always tell where the gym is becos all the vultures hover over it and each time the springboard go PLUNK they strane their ears and their mouths water. THAT boy was safely over the horse (and the gym sergeant too) but sooner or later one will make a slip. He will fall out of the line tallest on the right shortest on the left and be deserted to his fate.
The Horse
Every gymnasium hav a horse for the tiny tots to jump over. At one end is a springboard and there is also a scrufy old thing lying on the floor at the other. This is not the gym sergeant who hav had too much BEER it is the MAT and if you landed on the gym sergeant instead you would soon kno the diference and learn some interesting WORDS.
The BOY BEATIFUL who is determined to be good at gym rev. up like mad zoom away bounce on the springbord and sale litely over the horse. Sometimes however he make a bish. When that hapen he bounce on the springbord rise verticaly in the air and strike his head on the roof. When you come to think of it there is no reason why this should not hapen more often than it do.
The Bar
No not that kind of bar clot altho anebode would need a stiff tot before he can do 3 circles with no hands. Aktualy the whole thing is simply pappy. You sit erect on the bar bak holow arms stiff eyes fixed in glassy stare and whole face contorted with fear. After about 3 hours trying to pluck up courage this position becomes a bit uncomfortable. Besides the mob ten miles below get a bit restless. They sa Yar Boo Sucks and cowardy cowardy custard and other weedy things. You then decide to go. Then you change your mind the whole affair is too ghastly.
Position 2. Thro the arms upwards and bakwards swing with the bar in the crook of your knobbly knees. Round round round out and down. All you need really is Confidence. You must not believe for a moment that it is posible that you can go round round round down and OUT. Just give a good swing to start with and all will be well. If it isn’t you won’t kno anything about it aneway.
Position 3. The final position. Rigid, unconscious, chin in, hands stretched to sides, nose and toes in air. (Too much movement may damage the stretcher.)
The Rings
The rings are the most dangerous of all and only a really tuough and brave BOY BEATIFUL can show off with them. There are two rings and they hang down on two ropes at least they do unless some skoolboy who luv pranks hav severed them with his jackknife. Wot you hav to do is to swing on the rings in some very funy positions. You can be chest out or chest in or arms xtended. But there is only one rule i can give e.g. HOLD ON. If you let go you fly out of the window. And then where will you be poor thing? In the rubish bin along with the skool brekfast poo gosh which is most unsavoury.
Another exercise with the rings is to swing on them by yore feet upside down. This is super. At least it would be if fotherington-tomas do not come along.
/> ‘Look at me fotherington-tomas,’ you sa as you zoom by. ‘Look at me no hands.’
‘i am looking,’ he sa. ‘Wot are you doing?’
‘Boddy swinging ARMS XTENDED, feet in the rings bakwards and forwards bending with deep rhymical breething.’
‘So that is the noise i hear?’
‘In and O-U-T. In and O-U-T.’
(fotherington-tomas scratch his head.)
‘But molesworth wot is the point of it?’ he sa. ‘Wot hav you ganed when it is all over? Do it make you beter than other boys? Wot does it prove in the long run? ect. ect.’ . . . . . .
These are very dificult questions to answer when swinging by the feet upside down. As you ponder you strike head sharply on the ground.
‘You see?’ sa fotherington-tomas and stroll away. He is a gurly.
7
HOW TO BE TOPP IN FRENCH
Whenever anyone mention fr. all the eleves sa oo gosh ugh french weedy ect but it is no use saing what’s the use of it as you do with latin. The masters sa fr. is a living langwage and swank about they think they hav got the beter of us chiz. It is not much use repling O.K. bruther SO WHAT when fr. masters sa fr. is living it is beter to be keen cheerful and enthusiastick
e.g. The Francais, sir, are certainly vital and ebullient. or
How to be Topp Page 4
