I'd turned my back to him as I dressed, my tumult of emotions making me forget that modesty was completely pointless around a guy who had explored every inch of me countless times, so I didn't see him coming up behind me. I didn't know he was there, in fact, until he'd grabbed me by the wrist. I jerked back in surprise, but he held tight, lifting my hand up and quickly sticking the plaster over my cut.
"It's just a bandaid," he repeated, releasing me. I staggered back, gravity grabbing at me as he let go.
"It was a paper cut, Elliot," I said, putting every last bit of energy I could summon into being disparaging. "Hardly something I couldn't have dealt with on my own." My eyes started to smart painfully and I dragged my jumper on over my head, before realising it was Elliot's hoodie and ripping it back off.
"OK, this metaphor is getting laboured." I shoved the jumper at him. "You should have this back, I'm done with doing it like the animals do with you. I need to study."
"Study?" He repeated incredulously, keeping step beside me as I moved around the bed to grab my books.
I wished he would back off, I felt rubbery and strange and it only got worse when I could feel him next to me. With great effort I managed to get my wibbly arms to solidify enough for me to snatch up my bag and head for the door. There was to be no escape just then, though.
"Hang on, you're just going to walk out?" He moved to block my way, making me draw up short before I got too close. "You're not going to talk to me about this? I get no say?"
"Nope," I said tightly. "You get to stand there with your mouth and your wallet shut. Should be a novel experience for you."
I could sense that he was about to say something else and I threw a hand up to stop him. In the past I would've clapped my hand to his lips, but I couldn't see myself coping with that just then.
"I have exams," I said, with a very credible attempt at calm. "Right now I feel like my brain is sludge which is kind of inconvenient timing. Besides which," I had a go at smiling, but I'm fairly sure I just trembled my lips at him, "it turns out I'm an investment of yours and if you want the best pay off you need to let me go coagulate in peace."
I skirted round him and he didn't try to stop me this time. As I opened the door, however, I heard him say lowly, "You're not my investment, Rox, you're my girlfriend."
I couldn't respond to that, so I just walked out, shutting the door firmly behind me.
~*~
"Rox?"
I was about halfway back to my room, working hard to put one foot in front of the other on the asphalt, when I heard my name being called. With great effort, I looked up and saw Abi hurrying towards me, weaving through other students, bangles-a-jangling.
"Abi? What are you...? Oh," I nodded as understanding hit, "Elliot called you." There was some grim comment about 'Mr Fix-it striking again' hovering at the edge of my brain, but I didn't have the energy to bother with it.
"Yeah, he called, and he sounded freaked," Abi said in a rush. "He told me I should come and find you and hung up." She seemed to take stock of me for the first time and I must have looked at least partly as odd as I felt because she sucked in a low breath and asked, "What the hell's going on?"
"Well," I kept plodding forward, "the whole black-out thing has reversed itself, which is exciting. And it turns out Elliot and my mum have been lying to me this whole time, which is significantly less exciting and more just...fucking shit."
"Woah!" The usually graceful Abi tripped over her own feet and grabbed me by the shoulder, pulling me to a stop. "What did you say?"
The last thing I wanted to do was to repeat myself, but I forced myself to say again, "My mum and Elliot-"
"No, not that." Abi waved my words away. "The 'fucking shit' bit."
Huh. I replayed my words and realised that I had cursed without even thinking about it. After all that maybe Elliot had at least been successful in saving me from monkeys. Still... "I don't think that's what you should have taken from what I said," I was vaguely censorious, but Abi was unrepentant.
"Yeah, well, the Elliot and your mum stuff, that's them. Losing your monkeys, that's you."
She was so very right. My head whirling, I threw my arm out towards her. "Do I feel normal?" I asked desperately. "Because I don't feel normal. I feel...plastic-y."
She looked unsure, but prodded my arm obligingly. "Blood, skin, bone, all the usual stuff," she confirmed. "So, Elliot and your mum?"
Ergh.
I forced my legs to start moving again and as we headed back to our room I sketched her a quick explanation of what I'd remembered. I kept it very basic, almost disengaged with what I was saying. Abi, however, was my best friend, and if there was one thing best friends were good at it was cutting right to the heart of an issue.
"So...wow. It's not been about protecting your mum from money stuff, then, it's been about protecting you."
Twang. Right in the bullseye.
"Right, so what happens now?" She persisted. "You and Elliot? I mean, how did you leave it?"
"My exams start next week," I said firmly, glad that that at least was something that was categorically not going to change. "I don't have time to be angsty, I need to study."
"Right," Abi said uncertainly, "except..."
"No!" Some of the plastic coating me seemed to melt off. "No except. Promise me, Abi, promise me that the next couple of weeks are all about exams, with no except." My voice had risen shrilly and I felt tears pricking my eyes so, although she looked unconvinced, Abi nodded.
"OK, the next couple of weeks are all about exams," she repeated with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Yay."
~*~
And, bless her heart, Abi did do her absolute best to keep her word. In fact, it was the two people who should have been most committed to making sure I succeeded in my exams that caused the most distraction to my study schedule.
"Who's winning?"
It was the day before my first exam, but instead of being focused on my books, my eyes were locked on my mobile where it sat on the bed beside me. Lifting my head guiltily I glanced over at Abi who, despite not looking at me, was managing to be extremely pointed.
"Elliot or your mum?"
There was no point pretending I didn't know what she was talking about. Scrolling through my missed call log I did a quick tally and replied, "Elliot, by two."
The phone in my hand started to jitter as I spoke and, checking the caller ID, I corrected myself, "by three." I sighed heavily and threw my mobile back down, reaching for my notes.
I hadn't spoken to either Elliot or my mum since finding out the truth, despite their numerous attempts to contact me. Very early on in the piece I'd noticed a pattern with how Elliot rang, once in the morning, once in the evening. Not a serial killer stalker abuse of the redial, but more than enough to keep him front and centre in my thoughts…like I needed the reminders for that.
My mum's calls were more random, but consistent enough to make my brain hurt. Elliot had obviously told her that I'd remembered my drunken epiphany. That the two of them had their own special 'let's talk about, and make decisions for, Rox' club made my stomach churn unpleasantly.
That being said, I wasn't trying to make a point by not answering their calls, I just still didn't have any clue what I would say to them. Plus, I told myself firmly for approximately the millionth time, I needed to study.
My eyes sharpened down on my notes with a practice borne from days of having to switch off thoughts of being a sad sack charity case to focus on my study schedule, and I buried myself deeply into my third year quantitative methods formulas. I got perhaps ten minutes of solid cramming done before there was a sudden booming knock on the door and, in the next second, it was thrown open to reveal Jonah.
My heart, which had leapt up hard and fast at the first bang, sank down dizzily and I dropped my head immediately back to my books. As every entrance made by Jonah was the equivalent in noise of a Viking invasion I didn't take too much notice of his dramatic appearance. I expected him and Abi t
o start back into their training for the most nauseating couple of the year award, so was confused when I realised it was my bed he was standing over.
"Joe, what are you-?" Abi started to ask, but Jonah's attention, for once, wasn't on her.
"So you haven't even turned it off?" He asked and I looked up at him in surprise.
"What?"
"Your mobile." Jonah pointed one of his big, blunt fingers at the object in question, his expression thunderous. "So it's not as if you don't know he's bloody calling you."
"I-" I flicked a desperate look over at Abi who seemed to have frozen halfway through rising from her bed.
"You know he's going out of his mind, you know he wants to talk to you about it, but you're just ignoring him? What’s that about, huh? Some sort of power trip? You found out he'd tried to help you and now you're punishing him?"
"Steady there, babycakes." Abi seemed to have shaken off her momentary paralysis and jumped forward to wrap her hands around one of her boyfriend's mammoth elbows. "Let's let them sort this out themselves, yeah?"
"Easier for you to say," he growled, not taking his eyes off me. "Your friend isn't the one who just lost the only person he thought gave a damn about him growing up and then had her," he jabbed a finger at me this time, "turn around and-"
"Out!" Abi gave his arm a massive tug, her expression hardening. "You don't get to come in here and talk to Rox like that. This is her room, not yours."
"Yeah? And who's paying for it?"
It was like he'd reached down with one of those massive paws of his and smacked me clear across the face. I felt smaller than the runtiest gnat.
"Get out." Abi lowered her voice, a dangerous thread running through it. "Right now." She gave him another shove and, later, when the shock had worn off, I'd realise that the expression he'd turned to her then had been one of horror at what he'd said.
Great, and now I'd broken nice guy Jonah. I wasn't having a good week.
Abi escorted Jonah to the door, whispering to him furiously the whole way. Busy squeezing my hands tightly in a somewhat illogical attempt not to cry, I didn't hear anything she said until the last bit, "I love you, but you're a dick." Then she slammed the door shut and turned to look at me.
My mind was whirling, but it came to a stop abruptly as it realised what Abi had said. "You love him?" I repeated incredulously.
"Yes, Rox," Abi sighed and I saw that the annoyance she'd flung Jonah's way didn't seem to have been switched off when focusing on me.
"L followed by 'ove'?" I pressed, happy to concentrate on anything that wasn't Jonah's pained anger on behalf of his friend. "What happened to our promise to only do ‘ike’ at uni?"
"’Ike’ just wasn't doing it for me anymore," she cut her eyes across to me crossly as she added, "something I assume you'll get once you stop trying so desperately not to think about it."
I gaped at her and she flung her arms up in frustration. "Seriously, finish your exams and figure it out already." She grabbed up her coat and strode back over to the door and I realised, admittedly fairly belatedly, that it wasn't that she'd just forgotten to turn her annoyance off. She was still annoyed. She was annoyed at me.
I was on a roll today.
About to exit through the door she stopped, leaning back to look at me seriously. "I'm on your side, Rox, always, but right now I think you're due for a dose of clichéd advice, ready for it?" I wasn't sure I was ready, but she continued anyway, "Not everything's black and white." When I still looked dumbfounded she rolled her eyes. "Investigate your shades of grey, baby."
And then she was gone. Awesome, exactly what I needed, more confusion swirling around.
The anger directed at me from both Jonah and Abi had scratched at my numb bubble, sliding in a sliver of pain that stung like mad. Had I been thinking about Elliot? Yes, every second. Had I been thinking about how he'd be feeling? No, actually, not really. Seeing Jonah's fury, hearing him talk about Nan and saying that I'd abandoned Elliot had changed that…But Elliot had been the one to keep things from me!
The first inkling of what Abi had meant by shades of grey trickled into my consciousness, but I flicked it away uncomfortably.
I looked down blindly at my notes again until, bit by bit, they came into focus. This made sense. No mother undermining me, no best friend's boyfriend's cutting remarks, no esoteric advice from my best friend. No Elliot.
So, no, I didn't investigate my shades of grey right then, I didn't have time. I had to study.
~*~
I smacked into the problem with basing my mental and emotional health on my ability to study for exams the minute my last exam was over. And I smacked into it hard.
I had aced my exams, I knew that, but I knew it in a detached, background noise kind of way that unsettled me right down to my core. Wasn't this supposed to be the point? Getting my education, being successful in that, it had been my aim my whole life. Knowing that I was a step closer to that and wanting to let out only the dullest of cheers, like a sarcastic emo waving a pom-pom, terrified me.
I almost felt like I had jetlag as I struggled back to my room. A worthy simile as, if the lead up to the exams had been a journey, then I was at the destination and now I had to decide what on earth happened next.
To a certain extent this decision was taken out of my hands as I crested the stairs back at the residential building and saw Elliot sitting outside my door, dressed in jeans and similarly coloured top. His lifted his head as I approached and, after everything, the overriding look in his eyes was one of wariness. Well then, there was no denying we had things in common.
"Hey there, Little Boy Blue," I said weakly. "What are you doing here?"
"You've just had your last exam, right?" He asked, getting to his feet and pushing that infamous flop of hair out of his face. "You needed a semi-solid brain for that and you didn't want to answer my calls, fine, but now we talk."
Yippee, I thought to myself, but I didn't even sound convincingly sarcastic to myself.
I unlocked my door and went into my room feeling, even though he was at least a couple of steps behind me, like Elliot was breathing down my neck.
"So," I stopped and turned, standing between the beds, probably so I could use them as a brace if needs be, "tell me."
He didn't pretend that he didn't know what I was asking and I was grateful for that. "Christmas before uni started I found your mum crying her eyes out in the kitchen," he said bluntly, closing the door behind us and leaning against it. No denying it, he knew how much I wanted to bolt. "When I asked her what was wrong she said that she'd told you that she could pay for uni when she knew she couldn't. You know how there was a run of stuff that happened round then? Car breakdown, hike in rent, all that? She'd had to go into her savings. She tried to get a loan, but her credit rating screwed her."
I could see he was working to keep his voice even and calm and I tried to follow this example as I asked, "Why didn't she tell me this? I wouldn't have been-" I stopped, suddenly unable to finish the sentence. What wouldn't I have been? Upset? Angry?
No, I had to admit to myself that I would have been both of those things. But then that was normal, wasn't it? To have your dream dangled in front of you and then snatched away? If I'd freaked out it wouldn't have been directed at Mum, just the situation…right?
"So why did you get involved?" I demanded, beginning to feel as angry and upset as they'd obviously feared I'd be three years ago. "What business of it was yours whether I could afford campus accommodation or not?"
"I could help." Elliot still kept his voice flat, but his shoulders had tightened at my response. "I was planning on throwing my parent's money back in their faces, but I could do some good with it before I did. Your mum had cared for me for years and she needed a hand. What was I supposed to do?"
"Talk to me about it!" I exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah," his tone was suddenly thick with sarcasm, "because we were such good mates back then. How would that've gone down?"
"I wo
uld have said no," I said hotly. "My choice."
He raised his eyebrows. "And you would've lived happily ever after, right?"
"I would've taken a loan, or gone to a different uni. I could've gone down the pregnant stripper route if necessary, none of it would have been the end of the world," I insisted through gritted teeth.
"No, of course not," he growled in frustration, "but isn't your world better where you are? Meeting Abi, killing it in your classes, coming out with a degree that every employer in the country will be impressed with? I thought that's what you wanted."
"It was. It is!"
The tight rein he'd obviously been keeping on himself suddenly slackened and he asked in exasperation, "So why are we having this conversation?"
"Because you've shamed me," I howled. "You have no idea what it feels like to know that you've been scuttling around behind my back making decisions for me. You clearly decided that I'm not a big enough person to deal with my mum not having enough money to provide for me, which is rubbish because I've been dealing with that my whole life."
He looked at me for a long moment and then let out a mirthless little laugh. "Great, so long as you get to be the victim."
Was he for real?
"I am the victim," I pointed out, but he suddenly surged away from the door, standing over me as he almost shouted,
"No, you're the one person in this that everyone has tried to protect. Me, your mum, my mum, for God's sake, everyone's gone out of their way to let you keep your precious principles. And what's the difference here, by the way, between you thinking that my parents had paid for this place and you finding out it was me? You were fine with it being from my mum, but-"
"If you think I was fine with it then you're out of your mind!" I tilted my head up, refusing to be cowed by his close proximity. "I was trying to make it not matter. I was trying because I felt guilty that I'd judged the 'now' you, by how you used to be. Also, I thought that you had finally told me the truth, but no, Sinclair, I was not fine with it, I was never fine with it."
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