Put snacks and food in a place you can get to easily and always make that the same spot so you don’t have to look in both panniers. You’ll be surprised how often you stop to eat, usually every 30 minutes. Also, to save on repacking things, I would put my sleeping bag and winter clothes in my right rear pannier while my summer clothes were in the left pannier.
A handlebar bag is extremely useful for putting valuables in as it detaches easily. I put my passport, money, notebook, camera, and Alien Multi-tool in there (I often had to stop to adjust the bike). Great for when you’re going off to have lunch.
A medium-sized backpack was useful, as I was able to use it for backpacking through Nepal. Get a decent hiking strap (not a bungee) and this should be more than adequate to keep it in place.
In hot seasons, leave as early as possible. I often got up at five am, stopped at 11.30, and then resumed when it was bearable (usually after three p.m.).
Earplugs! Take the best you can find and take plenty. Essential for two reasons. Traffic is often loud and drivers love to toot their super-charged horns. Also, at night, in India particularly, they love to talk … ALL NIGHT!
Get good detailed maps but also follow this up with maps from tourist centres. You might also want to print off some Google Maps.
Wear visible cycle shirts so you can be seen, but they also breathe a lot better than T-shirts.
Dress appropriately for the local culture. Cycle underwear with normal shorts over the top.
Take plenty of sunscreen. It’s hard to come by good sunscreen in China and India.
Maintain your bike regularly. Clean the drive-train daily, and check any loose nuts and bolts before you begin your ride. Grease your cables as often as possible to save on wear and tear. You don’t have to loosen the cable nut at the end but rather move the plastic sleeve casing out of its mounts. Also, check your spokes after every trip, making sure they’re not broken or loose. You can even go as far as taping up nuts and bolts on the bike with electrical tape. This will stop you from losing them.
Perhaps invest in a split-seat as this will take pressure off your perineum.
Write every day even if you’re not going to get it published. Years later, your notes will serve as signposts for your memories.
Take as little as possible! Of course this depends where and when you go. If I were to cycle to India again I wouldn’t take any camping equipment or cooking implements, saving at least five kilos of weight. I’d even take an iPad or ereader so I wouldn’t have to lug books around. Some bicycle tourers I’ve met take a Macbook Air and load videos of their trips straight on to it.
Tools – take a cassette nut or spanner. You may get a broken spoke on the inside of the cogs and there’s no way you’ll be able to replace the spoke. Chain whip – improvise with left over chain links.
My Cycle Equipment (total weight with bike: 40 kg)
The Bike
Trek II mountain bike (chrome-alloy forks)
26-inch, two-inch width, Continental Town and Country tyres (not recommended as side walls went)
Cycle Odometer
Four panniers (front and rear). Ortlieb make some of the best panniers and it’s worth the investment.
Rear and front racks (Blackburn). These broke
Three water cages and bottles
Tools – Alien Multi-tool (includes chain brake), cassette nut, shifter, universal spanners, Phillips head screwdriver, flat head screwdriver, spare Allen Keys
Puncture repair kit
Cassette (rear sprockets). Purchased in Kathmandu
Chain
Foldable Kevlar Tyre
Four tubes (I did buy numerous Indian tubes which were heavier)
Four brake and gear cables
Four brake shoes (wore out the front set)
D-Lock
Reflective waist flag
My Camera
SLR Minolta (analogue)
100 rolls of 35 mm film
Zoom lens (purchased in Kathmandu)
Polariser (important for snow-covered areas)
Canon Sure-shot (replacement – bought in Kunming)
Two lithium batteries
My Camping Gear
One man tent (leaked and sent back)
Two man tent (picked up in Dharamsala)
Sleeping bag (four season)
Inflatable ¾ mat
Stove
Two pans
Plastic cup
Foldable water bladder
Mosquito net
Head-torch – useful for night cycling but also for when the power went out, which was often in India
Lighter
Water bottle bag for hiking (Kathmandu)
My Clothes
Cycle underwear shorts
One long sleeve cycle shirt
Two pairs of shorts
Hiking boots
SPD cycle shoes (clipless pedal system – cleats click into the pedal bindings similar to skis)
Cycle gloves (important – reduces nerve damage to your hands)
Thongs (flip flops)
Three shirts (one long sleeve)
One pair of pants
Three pairs of socks
Hiking jacket
Cycle jacket
Gortex gloves
Thermal underwear
Silk liner for sleeping bag (increases warmth)
Woollen cap
Sun hat
Three pairs of sunglasses (though I soon lost all of these!)
Scarf
Two sarongs (useful for sun protection and as a sheet)
My Maps
India and China Nelles 1:4 ratio
Other maps from tourist officers
Notebooks (bought locally then posted back to Australia)
My Books
Rough Guide to India
Nepal (bought in Delhi) Lonely Planet
Pakistan (bought in Delhi) Lonely Planet
China (bought in Calcutta) Let’s Go!
Phrase books – Hindi and Mandarin (purchased locally)
My Miscellaneous Items
Two rolls of Gaffer tape
Sewing kit
Plastic tie grips (great for tying cable back)
Hose bands (for broken racks)
Sunscreen
Toiletries
Pencil cases for throwing tools in
Passport, travel documents
Earplugs (essential!)
Medical kit
Water proof pockets for documents
Walkman and ten audio tapes
BOMBAY TO BEIJING BY BICYCLE SHOW
By Russell McGilton
Dramaturgy
David Woods
Performed at Edinburgh Festival 2008
Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle Show
MUSIC: Indian Sunrise
RUSSELL cycles slowly. He is clearly unwell. He passes out and falls.
DR CHAWLA: CONGRATULATIONS! CONGTRATULATIONS TO YOU, MR RUSSELL!
RUSSELL: Thank you, thank you!
DR CHAWLA: Congratulations! You are having the malaria!
RUSSELL: What?
DR CHAWLA: Yes, your blood test is back and we are making the results and it has come up with a positive test for the malaria!
RUSSELL: Malaria?
DR CHAWLA: Yes, yes. Wonderful.
RUSSELL: Is this … cerebral malaria? You know, the one that goes to your brain … then kills you?
DR CHAWLA: No, no, no … at least, not yet.
RUSSELL: (Weakly) What!? (Pause) Tell me Doctor. Do many people die from this around here?
DR CHAWLA: (Happily) Yes, many! So many, yes, so many people dying, dying, here in Pakistan from the malaria. But don’t worry. I will be looking after you.
BLACK OUT
SFX: A JET PLANE TAKING OFF
RUSSELL sits in a chair drinking.
RUSSELL: So after Bombay I’m gonna cycle up through India and onwards to China. Yeah. That’s right. Cycling. On a bike, cycling. (Pause) Because I want to get clo
se to your people, to find the real India –
MUSIC: a sitar plays.
RUSSELL: And it’s a great title for the book that I’m going to write: ‘Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle’. Good, isn’t it? It’s got that wonderful bum-de-bum, bum-de-bum … rhythm to it. Yes, yes I know. Very clever. (Pause) What do you mean it’s not called Bombay anymore? … Mumbai? Bombay is called Mumbai? And that’s a fact. Oh, oh, of course I knew they changed it. It’s just that … didn’t they change it back again? Mumbai to Beijing by Bicycle … oh, shit!
BLACK OUT
We hear someone clearing their nose.
RUSSELL is woken up by the nose clearing. He opens the curtains.
SFX: TRAFFIC.
Horrified, he closes them. He opens them again.
MUSIC: Indian sunrise
RUSSELL: (opens the curtains) Ah, India! Beautiful women floating by in their red and pink saris, sacred Brahmin cows roaming freely, the laughter of children flying kites and the smell of incense blended with the scent of poppadums frying at a corner food store while a man takes a dump in the street. I’ve got to write this down! Where’s my journal? Ah!
RUSSELL finds the journal and opens it.
SFX: SNARE ROLL
JOURNAL marches downstage, salutes.
JOURNAL: Att’n! Alright chaps. At ease. Eyes forward! Now, I’ll be taking you through today’s briefing. I am Russell’s Journal. 500 pages of high quality silk paper sewn and bound together in a bespoke leather cover. Previous owner: Mrs Dwyer, wife of Brigadier-General, Reginald Dwyer of the Royal British Battalion stationed in Borneo 1927. Her last entry reads: ‘Oh, what a cute monkey’. Today, we turn a new page and a new mission to write a travel book about Russell’s heroic journey from –
RUSSELL: Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle.
JOURNAL: At 0500 we set off from –
RUSSELL: BOMBAY!
JOURNAL: – Mumbai then to here, here, here and a slight detour to Kathmandu to achieve our secondary objective, to meet up with his long standing girlfriend of six weeks, the gorgeous Rachael (plays with his nipple). It is in the frisky hills of the Himalayas where we give her a good rogering! (He becomes a humping monkey) Sorry. Monkey bite. Borneo 1927. An Oran-go-tan. Where was I? Oh, yes. The objective. After a month together, Rachael is to carry on with her own trip to Europe while Russell cycles onwards to Pakistan, over the glorious Karakoram Highway then into China. However, time is against us. We must get to Beijing before the harsh winter freezes us in our tracks. All we need to do now is to assemble the bike; the Trek Mountain Bike II! (aside) Very expensive bicycle you numb-skulls!
He points to downstage left. JOURNAL mimes seeing a mangled bike, indicating with his pointer.
JOURNAL: AH! BLAST THOSE BAGGAGE HANDLERS! (picks up a piece which falls to the ground) Pack of terrorists the lot of them! (Addresses the audience) Volunteers to assemble the bike (beat) Right. Two men. Yes, you two. Just pretend it’s a piece of IKEA furniture. Actually, don’t do that, you’ll never get the bloody thing together. (Pause) Never mind. Here’s one I prepared earlier.
He crosses to his left and points at the same spot.
JOURNAL: As you can see it’s similar to the original.
JOURNAL flicks his pointer from one side to the other indicating the imaginary bikes.
JOURNAL: Gosh I looove theatre! Well, that’s it, chaps. Dismissed.
SPOT OFF
He blows smoke and salutes, knocks himself in the head, accidentally dropping his cigarette and bends over.
DR CHAWLA: That’s it. Almost there. A bit further … bit further …
RUSSELL: Aahah!
DR CHAWLA: … Further …
RUSSELL: Aahah!
DR CHAWLA: FURRRRTHER!
RUSSELL: AGH!
DR CHAWLA: No problem Mr Russell! Just a tiny more prick for the malaria. Hahaha! Yes, malaria! Hahahaha!
RUSSELL: You’d be happy if I had any kind of ailment!
DR CHAWLA: Yes! I would. Tell me Mr Russell. This is very delicate question for me. Is the sex in your country (hands in pocket, finger wiggle) … free?
RUSSELL: Free? Well … you gotta buy them a drink at least.
DR CHAWLA: Vonderful! All I need then is to buy them a drink and I can be having the sex! Good, good.
RUSSELL: It’s not as simple as that!
DR CHAWLA: I must think of an excellent drink! Perhaps a cocktail. A Margarita! No. What about Sex on the Beach! Oh, yes! I’d like to make a drink for a lovely Western woman as she lay in the sand, rubbing the coconut oil into her back … her thighs … then turn her over and rub her bikini line and (slips his thumb into RUSSELL’S arse) –
RUSSELL: Ahh!
DR CHAWLA: Oh, sorry, Mr Russell. Ah, yes. Injection.
DR CHAWLA mimes pulling out a huge needle to inject RUSSELL.
RUSSELL: No, no! Not that again!
RUSSELL runs upstage left and smashes out the light.
BLACK OUT
He hides and stands up as DR CHAWLA.
DR CHAWLA: Mr Russell. You have broken the light. Where are yoooouu? I go to infrared.
DR CHAWLA slides infrared goggles over his eyes. He ‘beeps’ where RUSSELL is.
DR CHAWLA: Ah! There you are!
DR CHAWLA harpoons the syringe. RUSSELL runs. We see the syringe flying towards RUSSELL whistling in the air. The syringe finds its target in RUSSELL’S butt. The pain ricochets up his body.
RUSSELL: AAAAAGGGHHH!
RUSSELL morphs into tapping a shower rose. He loosens the tap. Nothing. Loosens it again. Nothing. He loosens again and the whole tap comes off. He whacks the shower rose and water sputters all over him. He blocks it. It shoots out from the tap. He blocks that. It bursts out from under him. He grabs the tap and refastens it just as there is a knock on the door.
RUSSELL: (He covers his genitals) AARGH!
A PORTER walks in, hunched over and stuttering. RUSSELL continues to hold his crotch.
PORTER: Welcome to Bombay, sir. Breakfast. Chai, b-budda toast, omelette, j-jam. You vant it?
RUSSELL: Bombay? I thought it was called Mumbai?
PORTER: As you like.
RUSSELL: As you like?
PORTER: Yes, sir.
RUSSELL: But why?
PORTER: Sir, this is India. We call it what we like.
RUSSELL: I like this place. It’s so relaxed. (One hand on nads) Hey, does that mean that Bollywood could be called Mollywood because it’s now Mumbai?
PORTER: Certainly not! It will always be called Bollywood! Never Mollywood! NEVER! NEVER I TELL YOU!! That is the full stop! No breakfast for you! YOU SHIT OFF TO PAKISTAN YOU WHITE MONKEY!
PORTER storms off. Go round, on the bike.
RUSSELL: White monkey, white monkey. I’m not a white – OOOHH!
SFX: TRAFFIC
He goes into heavy traffic. RUSSELL mimes swerving traffic. He stops and hears a voice.
TONI: (Flirtatious) Hiya! Where ya goin’?
JOURNAL: A thin woman, wearing a yellow bandana and a ring in her nose skids to a halt on her mountain bike. A Trek 7! Very, very expensive bicycle. Bloody upstart!
TONI: (sniffs the air) Christ! You’re carrying a lot of gear. What’ve you got in there then?
RUSSELL: Er … things …
TONI: You should ride like me. I’ve been all through India with just these two bags. A pair of flip flops, a T- shirt and a hammock. That’s it. Not all of THAT! (Sweetly) Got any water?’
RUSSELL: Er, yeah.
TONI: (grabs the water bottle from RUSSELL) I’m so dehydrated!
TONI gulps the water down, sucking it inside out. She hands it back to RUSSELL.
She fixes her eyes on RUSSELL as if he’s insane.
TONI: (digs in her ear) ’Ere. Know anything about bikes? Had a bit of bingle on the way down from the Himalayas. Haha! I don’t carry any tools myself or the latest brands – Ooooh! Those tyres won’t stand up to the road! You need Michelin 501s you do. Hahaha!
RUSSELL: They’ve done
me fine, thank you.
TONI: Nooo! They’re not thick enough. No traction, luv. Walls too thin. What were ya thinkin’?
RUSSELL: I –
TONI: You just arrived or somethin’?
RUSSELL: I –
TONI: Thought so. (Toni sees a fly and snaps it with her mouth and eats it.) I’m a Jain.
RUSSELL: Russell.
TONI: Noo! Jain is one of my religions. I’m Toni. (sighs) So … where ya goin’?
RUSSELL: (Pause) Beijing.
TONI: Beijing! Are ya daft! You’ll hate it! The roads are horrible from here on. And what’s more there’s people everywhere in India, everywhere you go, staring at ya, staring at ya. And they always ask the same question: ‘Which country, madam? One school pen?’ Drives me barmy!
RUSSELL: Oh, come on. They’re just curious, that’s all.
TONI: No, no. You don’t understand.
RUSSELL shifts gears, cycling faster, getting away from her.
RUSSELL: (shouting back) No, I understand alright. Travellers like you.
TONI changes gears to catch up.
TONI: Oh, I see. Travellers like me, ya fat twat! You probably think India is this exotic place with Swamis hanging off temples surrounded by incense and flowers. Well, it’s not. It’s one little shit-all town after another. And if it weren’t the fact that I’m enlightened I wouldn’t have maaade it.
RUSSELL: You’re … enlightened?
TONI: That’s right. I’m into the Kundulini!
RUSSELL: Kunda what?
TONI: Kundulini! I’ve been awakened by the female serpent. SSsss!
RUSSELL: Oh, Christ!
TONI: I’ve had all my chakras cleansed. Ha! And now I’m enlightened like a peaceful new born baby.
SFX: HONK (FROM LEFT) TO TONI
TONI: Fawk off ya cunt! (turn head to right) I’m ENLIGHTENED! I tell ya. ENLIGHTENED! (She goes cross eyed. She thumps her head) Christ! Nearly poked out my third eye there (suddenly realising where she is). Anyway. Ya best go. It gets to ya, it does. The noise, the pollution, the staring. Go, Go why you can. GO BEFORE THEY TO GET YOU TOOOOOOOOO!
Bombay to Beijing by Bicycle Page 30
