by Danda K.
I bury my head in my legs, rocking back and forth, silently breaking down from my inadequacies once again. Maybe Jaxon is better off with a witch like Gelissa over someone who cannot love his child.
Forty
Jaxon
I swear I didn’t even think when I handed Emersyn off to Cam.
It was just an instinct to have Cam hold the baby since she had the towel in her hand, but I should’ve fucking known it wouldn’t be that easy. I’m usually so in tune with Cameron’s triggers, but since I’m adjusting to life as a dad, I clearly dropped the ball this time.
I know she doesn’t mean it personally. If anything, I feel even worse knowing the reason why she struggles like this.
It took about half an hour to get the baby to fall back asleep.
I listen first through our door- nothing’s breaking, and I don’t hear any sobs, so I’m hoping she fell asleep. I open the door slowly and cringe when it makes a loud creaking sound.
“Hey Nyx, you awake?”
I hear movement, but she doesn’t say anything. The room is dark, but I walk over to her and sit on the bed. I can make out her outline in the dark, arms holding her legs against her chest as she leans against the headboard.
“I’m so sorry, Nyx. I never should’ve handed her to you.”
I feel her eyes on me, even through the darkness. She reaches over, turning on the lamp next to her. The look of sadness on her face makes me feel like I just tore her world apart.
Her eyes are puffy, and her cheeks are still wet with tears. “Jaxon, you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me. I should be sorry for being so fucked up as a person I can’t even hold a small child.”
Shaking her head, she hides her face in her bent knees.
“Baby, it’s okay. You’ll learn to love her just like I do. I understand.”
She lifts her head to look at me and huffs out a sarcastic breath. “Do you hear yourself? I’ll learn to love her? I shouldn’t have to learn, Jaxon!” she whisper-yells her statement before continuing lower, “Love for a beautiful little girl should come naturally to a person. She’s an innocent child. An innocent child that I can’t feel anything for. One that I freak out about holding when my boyfriend just needed a little help.”
I shake my head. “Just because you couldn’t hold her doesn’t mean you don’t help, Cameron. It’ll take time. I understand, baby. You’ve never experienced love as a child, so, of course, it’s a struggle for you.” I place my hand on her knee. “Just give it time. You’ll see.”
She looks away, unsure. “I don’t know about that Jaxon, I know nothing about loving a baby. I’m afraid I’ll never be of use to her.”
“Don’t you remember feeling like you could never love me?”
I scoot closer to her and hold her cheek with my hand. “Look how far you’ve come, Nyx. These things will just take time, but it’ll come to you.” I run my fingers through the loose strands of hair around her face and tuck them behind her ear. “For now, just continue being my beautiful, caring, and selfless girlfriend...Because that person makes me so fucking happy.”
I stretch out beside her, pulling her down so I can hold her close. “Plus, Christmas is next week. There’s no crying on Christmas.”
She stays quiet, her head shaking slightly, and I take this opportunity to let her get some sleep. Hopefully, she’ll wake up tomorrow in better spirits.
◆◆◆
It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m getting Emersyn tonight, so I get to be with her all of Christmas day. Apparently, Gelissa has a Christmas party to attend, so she didn’t put up much of an argument. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to that girl.
Who wouldn’t want to be with their kid on Christmas? Gelissa, that’s who.
To think Cameron honestly believes that woman has a selfless bone in her body is beyond my comprehension.
Emersyn won’t be here until around four, so Cam and I are spending the day wrapping presents. I bought Emersyn a custom made Christmas stocking with her name printed on it. I even got a little My First Christmas ornament. I mean, it obviously isn’t her first Christmas, but it is her first with me.
We invited our friends over for dinner, but only Sayeed, Sam, and Morgan can make it.
I’m okay with that, though, because I don’t want to overwhelm Emersyn with a bunch of new people.
She already loves Sayeed and Sam. Sayeed adores her as well. Every time he sees her, he puts a little money and a lollipop in her pocket. He calls her Poti, and just like I did with Beta, I Googled to find out Poti means granddaughter. Sayeed has been the only father I’ve ever had, so it meant a lot to find out he also thinks of me as a son.
Gelissa ends up dropping Emersyn off at five. God forbid she’s ever on time. Emersyn’s admiring all the gifts by the tree when Morgan walks in carrying two large presents, I’m assuming for Emersyn and Sam.
He greets everyone, and Cameron waves through the kitchen pass through, busy cooking.
Sam runs over to Morgan. “Is that present for me?”
Morgan hands it to him. “My man! You know it.” Morgan hands me a large box with Emersyn’s name on the tag. “This is for your little lady.”
I pretend to search around his body. “The fuck, man? What about me?”
He gestures to himself. “You got me as a best friend. That’s all the gift you need, you dick.”
After we clean up dinner, we’re all in the living room when Sayeed approaches me and hands me a small box holding something leather. “That’s a new wallet to go with your raise, Beta.” He hands Cameron a shiny red gift bag. “And for you, Cameron.” She smiles politely from next to me on the couch but doesn’t open it.
“Thanks so much, you didn’t have to.”
He tsks at her, shaking his head. “It’s no problem.”
I stand up and hug Sayeed as Cameron rises and says, “I’m gonna make coffee and get dessert ready.”
I stare at the black leather wallet, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. I haven’t told Sayeed I’m looking for another job because I didn’t want him feeling obligated to pay me more, so the fact he does this on his own means a lot.
He makes a lot of money owning several stores in Brooklyn but stays humble. He doesn’t buy fancy things, just insists he’d rather save his money for his son’s future.
It’s around ten at night when we start cleaning up the house. Sayeed and Sam left earlier so Sam could get to bed. Morgan is pretending to help us, but he’s doing more talking than actual cleaning.
“So guys, what’s it like to be parents?” he elbows me in the side as I grab another plate off the table. “Big Daddy, Jaxon.”
I can’t help but notice Cam stays silent. In fact, I notice she ignores most of Morgan’s questions, especially when they’re about us.
“I love it. I mean, it’s definitely an adjustment, and it’s not easy, but having a kid changes your life, man. Plus, she’s pretty awesome, obviously.” I gesture to myself because I helped make her.
“That’s great, man.” He looks over to Cameron, and she just smiles curtly before heading back to the bedroom.
“She good?” he nods his head towards the empty hallway.
“Yeah, man. She’s good. Probably just tired.”
But I know the truth. She’s been off since the night I placed Emersyn in her arms. I don’t even want to touch that right now.
I really hope she doesn’t close up on me again because I can’t do this shit without her. I know she’s struggling right now, but I just wish she’d finally agree to get some professional help.
Someone she can see who can help her deal with what she’s been through.
It has to be on her, though.
Morgan heads out fifteen minutes later, and I go to check on Emersyn to make sure she’s still asleep. Magnet has been sleeping in here on the nights she sleeps over, and I’ve officially accepted the fact that I’m no longer his favorite.
After I tuck her in, I head into the bathroom to take a
quick shower. I let the hot water just run down my body for a bit because, honestly, I’m stressed the fuck out.
I hate to show it to Cameron, but I’m worried about her. I can’t help but feel like I’m gonna lose her. I haven’t felt dread like this in a while, like she’d flee at any chance she got. I know one day she’ll get through this, and things will be different.
She’ll have a future that’s bright and filled with happiness.
I just hope it’s with me.
Because, for some reason, I feel like my girl is drifting away slowly. And I’m afraid the tighter I hold her, the faster she’ll slip through my fingertips.
When I get back into the room, Cameron’s sitting up on the bed.
“Hey there.” She looks me up and down in the towel.
“Hey there, Nyx.” I wink at her and open up my drawers to get my sweatpants.
Once I’m dressed, I head to the bed, hoping to fall asleep instantly. I sprawl out on the bed as her small body wraps around me, head resting on my chest.
“I more than love you, Charming.” She reaches up to kiss me before nuzzling her head in my chest.
“You more than love me?” I question her new phrase.
“I told you, I’m aiming higher.” She adjusts her head on my chest to get comfortable.
“Well, I more than love you, too, baby.” I close my eyes as we breathe in sync, waiting for sleep to come.
Forty-one
Cameron
I feel movement on the bed by my side, forcing me to open my eyes and make sure Magnet’s ass isn’t in my face. Instead of Magnet, I find Emersyn staring at me from the side of the bed. She’s pulling my blanket down, I assume to wake me up. The smell of bacon and coffee fills my nostrils, making my stomach rumble. Looking over to Jaxon’s side of the bed, I notice he’s missing.
Suddenly, his loud cheerful voice fills the room.
“Merry Christmas, baby.” He walks in, carrying a tray of breakfast food.
I look over to Emersyn again and notice she’s collecting something off the floor. I lean over the side to find six long-stemmed red roses scattered on the rug. Jaxon sets the food down and runs over to Emersyn, then helps her pick up the flowers, so she can hand them to me.
I can’t help the smile that pulls at the corner of my lips. “Thank you, beautiful.” I take the flowers from her before reaching up to Jaxon and kiss him.
“C’mon baby, eat fast. We got presents to open!” he shouts enthusiastically as he picks up Emersyn, spinning her in the air. Jaxon positions her in his arms, belly down, then runs into the living room with her making airplane noises.
I head to the closet to take out the gift I hid from Jaxon and place it next to me on the bed before eating my breakfast. As the cheesy eggs melt in my mouth, I’m more than impressed by how good they taste since Jaxon’s a terrible cook.
Feeling satisfied and full, I carry the tray into the kitchen, stopping when I notice the Styrofoam take out containers. I snicker underneath my breath and shake my head since I should’ve known he didn’t cook such a delicious meal.
I head into the living room and find them both by the tree.
There’s Christmas music quietly playing from Jaxon’s phone, along with A Charlie Brown Christmas playing on the TV. I sit on the couch and watch as he hands Emersyn a present, fifteen more waiting behind him.
It’s definitely overkill, especially given how young she is, but I don’t blame him.
He wants to make up for not being with her for her first Christmas. But what Jaxon doesn’t realize is that he’s the best gift he can give to either of us.
When Emersyn’s finally done opening all her presents, Jaxon opens a toy she can play with as I start to clean up all the wrapping paper mess.
“I have to run out to the car. I’ll be right back.” Jaxon drops the last of the box from Emersyn’s opened toy in the garbage bag, throws his coat and boots on, and heads out the front door.
A couple minutes later, he returns with a gift box, shaking off the cold.
While the baby’s busy playing, Jaxon comes over to me and hands me the rectangular box wrapped with shiny red paper and a white bow. He sits down next to me as I lay the gift in my lap.
Putting his hand over the box, Jaxon clarifies, “So before you open it, you should know I got you something else, too. Unfortunately, it’s not ready. So you’ll be getting it as a very early birthday present.”
I huff out a laugh. “My birthday isn’t until May.”
He chuckles and shrugs. “Okay, so a very, very early birthday present.”
I look to him for permission to open it. “May I?”
Jaxon nods eagerly, rubbing his hands together in excitement. I pull apart the wrapping paper to find a new Surface Pro inside. I practically jump off the couch from excitement but then freeze, realizing this version of the tablet is extremely expensive.
“Jaxon, I can’t take this. It’s way too much.” I try to hand it back to him.
“Cameron, don’t do that. I was really excited to give this to you.”
He pushes it back towards me, and I hold it on my lap. Standing up, Jaxon heads over to my stocking on the wall, removes it, then walks back to me before sitting back down.
“This is from Santa,” he winks as he hands me the oversized sock.
I look inside to find a pair of blue fuzzy socks, Stella D’oro cookies, and the newest book from a series I’m currently reading. I lean over to him and squeeze his face between my hands to kiss him hard before moving back to admire my pretty new tablet again.
Sliding his hand under my butt, he squeezes and asks, “Can this be my present?”
I pull away and swat at his hand, nodding my head towards the little human next to us. The little human who’s currently ripping apart whatever boxes she can to get to her new toys.
“My present definitely won’t top this one.” I reach down on the side of the couch to pick up his gift and hand it to him. He shakes it gently, as though he can tell what it is by what noise it makes.
He quirks an eyebrow at me. “It’s pretty heavy, Nyx.”
“Just open it. I guarantee you won’t figure it out by doing that.”
He unwraps the poorly wrapped Christmas paper, finally reaching the white box beneath it. Jaxon lifts the lid before he looks inside, pulling out the Styrofoam square. Eyeing me curiously, he separates the two protective pieces, and a snow globe comes into view.
Well, really, it’s a sand globe. I had it custom made to mimic a snow globe, but it’s actually a mixture of real sand and a sparkly white artificial sand. It’s encased in water like a typical snow globe, but this one has the ocean and beach inside of it. The inner surface of the glass has a dark transparent layer all around it to mimic the night time. The base is black but coming out of each side stretching over the globe is a Ferris wheel. It’s black like the base, but when you turn the knob to play the music, blinking rainbow lights shine, just like the Ferris wheel he took me on in Coney Island.
Inside the globe, dark ocean waves are portrayed along the horizon with more sand at the shore.
And right on the beach is a little red barn facing the waves.
He examines it for a while, his face blank, and I’m afraid he doesn’t like it.
“Turn the knob all the way,” I instruct him, hoping that hearing his song will help change his mind if he doesn’t.
He turns the little knob until it locks, and when he lets go, a portion of the song ”Use Somebody” plays.
A smile comes to his face now, and he looks at me. “I love this so much, Nyx. Did you have this made?”
“Yeah, I had it built from scratch. I actually placed the order the week after Coney Island. I wanted to get you something that’d show you how much that night meant to me.”
Jaxon carefully places the globe back in the box and puts it on the floor. He stands in front of me, taking my hands to pull me up with him. “Thank you so much, baby. I fucking love it.” He rests his cheek on my head
, running his fingers softly down my back. “Although, you’re the only gift I really need.”
“Thank you so much for the tablet. I love it so much.”
“Merry Christmas, Nyx,” he whispers.
I squeeze him so tight, I feel the muscles in my arms straining.
“Merry Christmas, Charming.”
Forty-two
Cameron
