by Danielle Fox
“Fuck him; he can do what he wants!” I heard her shriek as I made my way towards her, completely ignoring the poor girl that lingered on the dance floor.
“Emily, what are you doing here?” I asked with a slight slur in my words.
“Interrupting something special by the looks of things,” she snarled. “Why the hell would you call me here?” She turned to Ryan as she threw her hands up, seemingly in despair.
“He’s had too much to drink, Emily, and he won’t listen to anyone but you.”
“It sure looked like he was listening to that slut! Why don’t you get back to her, Julian? Don’t let me stop you!”
No, no, no! What have I done? I didn’t want that girl, that much was clear to me now as I gazed into the most incredibly stunning eyes. Those very eyes that had been so vacant the last time I looked into them were now narrowed and heated, revealing nothing but sheer anger and...was that... hatred? She was incredibly sexy when she was angry, almost mesmerising. I couldn’t not look at her. As much as I knew I should be grovelling on my hands and knees right now, all I could think about was how I wanted to drag her to the nearest bathroom and claim her. Claim her as my own with the only way I knew how.
“I was just talking to her, Emily. Why would I want to go to her when you’re standing in front of me?” I was almost mumbling, my hazed brain struggling to make sense of my words before I actually spoke them.
“You’re unbelievable, Julian.” She shook her head slowly before turning and heading for the exit. I instinctively stepped forward to follow after her but Ryan threw his arm against my chest, halting me and freezing me in my place.
“Leave her, you’re no good to anyone in this state. Go home, Julian, I’ll make sure she gets home.”
I couldn’t leave her. I couldn’t let her go home; go to bed tonight thinking that I had somehow been unfaithful. Why the fuck had Ryan called her? What was he trying to achieve? He was right to call her, I suppose, if he hadn’t I would probably be fucking that poor girl senseless right now and I would be certain to regret that in the morning, or whenever I sobered the fuck up, as Ryan had so politely worded it.
Ryan followed after Emily and I again found myself wondering why he was so bothered by her. Did she have the same effect on him as she did on me? Was he completely in awe of her, just as I was? Or was I over reacting? I drew in a long, audible breath and I felt my nostrils flare as my jaw tightened. My teeth feeling the strain as they crushed together.
I downed the remainder of the brown liquid in my glass and sucked in a sharp breath as it burned down my throat, and slammed my glass on the bar top.
“Would you like another?” Lucy asked, flashing me her award winning smile again, yet this time it didn’t catch my attention, she could have been standing before me completely naked with her legs wide open for all I cared. I wasn’t interested.
“No, just a bottle of water.”
I grabbed the bottle from the bar and made my way to the exit, not bothering to say any goodbyes before I flung the doors open and walked in a steady pace towards Emily’s apartment.
And God help Ryan if I found him there.
Chapter Four
I strolled as carefully and as slowly as my over active brain would allow. The longer it took me to get there, the more I could sober up, I thought, as I gulped down another full mouth of ice cold water. It was working already; the cold, crisp air was a shock to my lightly covered body as I walked against the chilling wind that seemed to be almost freezing my lips. It was an unfamiliar sensation. Each time I pouted my lips against the bottle top, they appeared slightly reluctant to move, like every action was a great struggle for them to master. It could have been the scotch, I suppose, but I was more comfortable with my first explanation.
I rounded the last corner that led me onto Emily’s street and felt my every muscle cripple into a knot when I recognised Ryan’s car parked on the road outside her front door. “I’ll fucking kill him,” I muttered under my breath as I skipped up the stairs that led to the entrance.
The sharp sting in my knuckles as I knocked against the solid door was another unfamiliarity. I didn’t walk anywhere of any real distance very often. Ryan usually drove me everywhere. Ryan. Ryan, who was now inside my fiancées apartment, with my fiancée. Not to mention the fact that he should be with my sister. What the fuck was his game? I knocked harder this time, my pace more urgent as another sharp sting shot through my tender knuckles.
No answer.
“Emily! Open the door!” This time I thudded the door with the palm of my hand. That didn’t hurt quite as much.
Still no answer. You bastard, Ryan, just fucking wait until I get my hands on you!
“Ryan!” I roared as I pounded at the door once more, this time with the side of my tightly clenched fist.
“Julian, stop. You’re going to wake Maia. Go home,” Samantha ordered from the other side of the still closed door.
“I’m not going anywhere until you open this door. Get Ryan, now!”
“Emily doesn’t want you here. Go home, Julian.”
I inhaled deeply, in an attempt to steady my growing anger, and lowered my voice. “I told you, I’m not leaving until you open this door, and I meant it.”
I listened as a key was placed in the door and then, as it twisted, I waited for the click that would reveal its release. As soon as the click came, I threw the door open and marched inside without waiting for an invite.
“Where is he?” My voice was barely more than a whisper as I desperately tried to keep my cool so as not to wake Maia. I would never let a child witness any form of violence. In fact, I would do whatever was in my power to prevent that. Children should never have to see that kind of thing; it caused them nothing but pain, their immature minds too young to understand something so sinister. I wouldn’t allow myself to become the source of that pain. I knew all too well how it felt.
“Julian, you need to go home. You’re drunk and you’re going to scare Maia,” Samantha urged, her twisted expression revealing her panic.
“I’m not going to scare anyone. I’m not a fucking monster. Where is Ryan?”
I shoved past Samantha and marched into the living room. It was empty, just the sound of mumbling voices coming from the TV. I flung open the kitchen door and what I saw nearly destroyed me. My stomach twisted painfully as I abruptly stopped in my tracks. Of course, both faces promptly turned to meet mine and their hands dropped to their sides, but I had already seen them. I had already seen Emily’s hands resting lightly upon the small wooden table, with both of Ryan’s wrapped around them as he gazed at her across the small space between them. My blood roared inside my ears, my body rigid and crying out with sheer jealousy. And hurt. Never had I known such a sudden stab of agony. Not Ryan. And, dear God, not my Emily. How dare he touch her? How dare he even fucking look at her?
“Get out,” I sneered at Ryan, my jaw not bothering to loosen its tight clench.
“Julian, I told you not to come here,” Ryan started, but I quickly interrupted.
“And now we know why. Get up from that fucking table and get outside before I fucking drag you out.” I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t force my eyes to focus on his face. How could he? My best friend. Had he been waiting for me to cock it up all along, just waiting to snake his way in?
“Julian, I’m not going to fight with you,” he said calmly, still remaining firmly in his seat.
“That’s too bad, Ryan, because I’m certainly going to fight with you.” I recognised the slow stretching of my dry lips as a menacing grin took them. I stared vacantly at the wall. “Get the fuck up.”
The rage that was burning my insides was almost too much to bear. I was going to completely lose all control with Ryan. I silently begged for him to get his sorry arse out of that chair and get outside before I lost it in front of Emily. I wanted to smash him across the kitchen. I felt my stance alter as my entire body began to tremble with anger. I was close. And Ryan still wasn’t
making any attempt to get up.
“Julian, what is wrong with you?” Emily’s voice startled me and my head snapped around to face her. As I looked straight into her deep eyes, I felt my fists relax momentarily. She had a strange way of soothing me, just with her voice alone. I saw every situation in a clearer light when I looked at her and I instantly found myself wondering whether this really was a good idea. Could I really attack my best friend? Could I hurt him? No, not this time. I wouldn’t let her pleading eyes change my mind. Or her soothing voice. I was going to kill him if he didn’t move now. I had lost Emily already, that much was clear to me, so it wouldn’t make much difference if I ripped his head off, would it.
“Where is Maia?” I whispered, my gaze still firmly locked on Emily’s frightened stare. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to smooth away her frown lines with a gentle stroke of my finger. But I didn’t, because that would make me weak. That would be me letting them win. No one made a fool out of me, no matter how much I loved them.
“She’s in bed, why?” Emily replied, her forehead creasing. Before she even had the chance to finish, I shot across the kitchen and grasped the back of Ryan’s neck with a firm hand.
“I said get outside,” I snarled as I dug my fingertips deeper into his flesh.
“Julian, no!” Emily screamed as her frail hands desperately tugged at my arm that was now dragging Ryan to his feet.
“It’s okay, Emily. Stay here,” Ryan soothed.
What the fuck? Now he was comforting her and telling her what to do? I don’t fucking think so.
I shoved him harshly through the kitchen door and heard the loud crack as something hit the frame on its way past. His arm, I assumed.
“Julian, calm the fuck down,” he roared as his body jolted at its impact.
As we struggled onto the front porch, I didn’t bother to escort him down the five steps that led to the empty pavement, instead I shoved him firmly and watched as he stumbled down them, landing flat on his front at the bottom.
“Get up!” I roared as I cleared the steps before stopping at his side.
He made no attempt to get to his feet.
“I said get up!” I delivered a harsh kick to his ribs and his heavy body barely moved.
“I’m not going to fight you, Julian,” he stated, calmly, as he rolled onto his side to look me directly in the eyes. “Do your worst.”
I wasn’t going to beat him whilst he was still on the ground. I wasn’t that much of a bastard. I knew Ryan was probably one of the only people I had ever met that could give me a fairly even fight. And that’s what I wanted. I wanted to feel the throbbing pulse as his fist slammed into my face. I wanted to feel the strain as we struggled to get the better of one another. I wanted the struggle. I needed it.
“Get up!”
Another harsh kick to his ribs.
“No!” he choked.
I was fighting with every ounce of civilisation I had not to lay into him right there on the ground, but if he didn’t get up soon, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Once my rage had gone past that point where I could no longer rein it in, it was too late, I simply couldn’t control myself. It was almost as if a switch would click inside of my head, and that was it, there was never any going back until I had released that rage. And the only way that rage could be released now, was to fucking pummel this bastard into the ground.
“What are you doing with Emily?” I snarled whilst counting each breath in my head, desperately trying to hold onto myself until he got up from the ground. I needed him to fight back. As twisted as it was, something inside of me desperately craved that pain.
“Nothing! Comforting her after you managed to upset her. Again!”
That was it. I let go of any control I still had a hold of. “She’s not yours to comfort!”
This time, my powerful kick made contact with his stomach. I grabbed the scruff of his jacket and dragged him up until he had no choice but to put his feet on the floor. Then I threw my tightly clenched fist into his face and watched as he stumbled back a few paces. He grasped at his mouth as blood began to seep down his chin.
“You’re a fucking maniac,” he sneered from under the covering of his hand.
This wasn’t the first time I had taken my anger out on Ryan. In fact, this was just one of many. The last time we had come to blows he had done this. He had point blank refused to fight with me. But I wanted him to. I needed him to. He ended up with a few bruises but nothing major. I had managed to contain myself before I really hurt him; after all, it hadn’t even been him who had pissed me off. His refusal of a decent fight had though. The time before that was a different story altogether. At first he had refused, he had said that same line, “do your worst”, and I had. I had struck his face again and again until I finally pushed him too far and he snapped. And when he snapped, he snapped. He had certainly given me the struggle that I had so desperately craved. He had pounded my face, my head, my ribs with powerful punches, each one nearly knocking me off my feet. Nearly, but not quite. He could swing his fists so bloody fast that you couldn’t see him coming. You couldn’t watch for that slight muscle twinge that would usually reveal which fist was about to be thrown at you. Ryan revealed no clue as to where he would strike next, and I loved it.
This was what I was hoping for now. I wanted to push him to his limits until he snapped, and most probably, gave me a good hiding. Ryan was one of few people who had ever gotten the chance to fight back against me. And, one of the few people who had ever had the balls to do it. I respected him for that.
I lunged myself at him again in an almost tackle, desperate for him to restrain me. And restrain me he soon did. I was expecting it to take a little longer to get him ticking, but his sturdy fist flew straight into my face. I felt my jaw crack under his fists pressure and I stumbled back before I swung at him again. The next thing I knew I was face down on the pavement with my hands pinned behind my back as his knee pressed firmly against my spine. His hand was wrapped around the back of my neck and I knew then what he had done. Damn these bloody door men and their training. He had completely crippled me with a single finger - pressed hard against a pressure point in my neck. The easy way out. I couldn’t even get a decent fight out of him anymore.
“You two! Stop!” Emily shrieked. I glanced up to see her jump and clear the steps outside of her front door.
I forced my eyes up to meet hers and I felt my body deflate as the air left my lungs in a gush. The fear, the worry that was written all over her face, and equally behind her beautiful eyes, absolutely crushed me. This time, I had done this to her. I had frightened her. And I could no longer allow myself to be the source of her pain, either. I felt defeated. For as long as she was around me she would end up frightened, hurt or sad more often than she deserved. I wouldn’t do it to her. She deserved so much better than a pitiful life with some fucked up sociopath.
Ryan’s strong arms loosened their grasp. “Have you calmed down?” he asked as his knee pressed harder against my throbbing spine.
“Yes,” I managed to choke out. His weight lifted from my back and I scrambled to my feet, struggling to hold myself upright as my spine cracked at the unfamiliar position.
“I’m sorry.” My voice cracked slightly as my eyes made contact once more with the frightened wide eyes that were watching me - seemingly searching my soul as they bored into mine. “I’m sorry,” I repeated. Then, I turned on my heel and walked away from her. Walked away from the only woman I had ever loved. The only woman I had ever wanted to love. And I knew that, as I did, I was walking away forever this time. I wouldn’t hurt her anymore.
“Julian, wait,” she called, and I heard her hurried footsteps behind me.
I turned just as she caught up with me. Her small, delicate chest heaved with her every heavy breath and her fine brows were lowered in a deep frown. “Julian, what’s going on? Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you alone, Emily. I won’t hurt you anymore.” My voice didn’t soun
d like my own. I had never heard myself sounding so weak.
“I don’t want you to leave me alone. Come back and we’ll talk about this. That wasn’t what you think.” She tugged at my shirt.
“I thought you needed space? Was it space you really needed, or was it Ryan?” I couldn’t control my powerful feeling of jealousy at that moment. The image of him touching her, his hands caked around hers, filling my head and clouding my judgement.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Julian. Ryan was talking to me because I had just walked in on you trying your luck with a probable whore. He was actually trying to convince me that you were worth a second chance.” It took no longer than half a second for me to believe what she was telling me. Her eyes couldn’t lie to me.
“Even so, he still touched you, didn’t he?”
“Oh, come on! He touched my hand. So what? I didn’t see you complaining when you held her hand in yours.”
She was right, and I knew it. I knew in my heart that neither Ryan nor Emily would ever do anything like that to me. Ryan would never look at my woman in that way, I realised that now that I had calmed down. Everything I had just felt when I walked into her kitchen, she must have felt ten times stronger when she walked into that club, and I hated myself for it. I was actually hitting on that stripper, and I probably would’ve fucked her too if Emily hadn’t have walked in when she did. But that was then, that was before I had read the uncertainty in her eyes as she saw me. Before I saw the hurt and the anger in those very eyes. I loved this woman. I would do anything to erase that look. That look that pulled at my heart with a stronger force than I had ever known of. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I wanted to leave and never turn back and give her the best shot at a happy life. But, at the same time, I wanted to crumple to the floor and beg for her forgiveness, as selfish as that decision would be. Could I walk away? Could I live knowing that she was out there, missing me, thinking about me, and maybe wondering if I was going to come back to her? She loved me. I should never have let her fall in love with me, but I had, and now it was too late. I couldn’t do it to her; I couldn’t leave her alone, without me. And I sure as hell couldn’t survive without her. She was my life now, I lived for her, I breathed for her. I needed her.
