by E. K. Blair
Leaning back in my seat, I tell him, “We’re really close. I mean, we’re physically close as well. It’s just always been that way with us. Her name’s Candace. She’s a sweet girl, but in many ways, extremely closed off. Her parents are dicks to her. But, anyway, I just need you to know that we spend a lot of time together . . . we spend a lot of nights together in each other’s beds. But it isn’t like what most people would assume at all. She’s just a friend . . . well, family really. She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”
He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything at first. I worry that he might not be okay with this, but when he says, “I think it’s good that you have someone like that in your life,” I relax a little bit.
“Are you sure you don’t have a problem with it?”
“Look, I don’t know much about you, but I hate that you don’t have a family that supports you,” he says, and I know his words are genuine. “So, if this girl can give you what you can’t find from anyone else, then yeah, I can be okay with it.”
Curious about his family, I ask, “So how did your parents react when you told them?”
“They took it pretty well. I didn’t tell them for what felt like a long time. I was terrified they’d react badly. I was scared shitless, to be honest. But it worked out. My parents have never treated me differently from the way they always have. They love me regardless . . . it really bothers me that you didn’t get that.”
I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, wishing that I had what he has. How easy it must be, but in a way, he’s right. Although I have Candace, I still feel very much alone.
“Well, since I can’t introduce you to my family, you want to try and get together with me and meet Candace and her roommate, Kimber? They are pretty much who I spend most of my time with.”
He smiles, big, and it’s perfect. “I’d love to.”
I smile back and can’t really understand why he’s being so nice after what I did, but I’ll take whatever he gives me, and right now, it’s more than I deserve. “Okay. I’m going to see Candace later today, so I’ll find out when she’s free. Sometime this weekend?”
“Yeah, I have nothing going on. Just planning on taking it easy before classes start back up on Monday.”
When we finish our coffee, I look over at him and ask, “You wanna come over to my place for a while?”
“Yeah, where do you live?”
I laugh as I say, “Right here. I live in this building.”
“That’s convenient,” he says with a knowing smirk as we head out.
When we get off the elevator and head into my apartment, we make ourselves comfortable on the couch and flip on the TV, although we don’t watch it because it doesn’t take but a second for Mark to distract me. He reaches over and threads his fingers with mine. Staring at me with his deep green eyes, I slowly move in and brush my lips against his. I tug him in closer to me and press my lips more firmly onto his. He didn’t shave this morning, and the roughness of his kisses do nothing but turn me on. I hate that I had to hurt him to be able to be with him like this. I should have just been honest. I should have trusted him. Pushing those thoughts away, wanting to be here with him and not in my scattered head, I loop my arms around his waist and pull him down on top of me as I lie on my back.
He hovers over me, running his hand down my cheek to my neck and wraps it around the back of my head, lifting me closer to him as he slips his tongue in my mouth. I run my hand up his smooth back, underneath his shirt, and when he grinds himself against me, I can feel what I’m doing to him. I tug at the hem of his shirt and peel it off. Wrapping my arms back around him, I hold him against me.
Moving the way we are together ignites more than just lust inside of me, but feelings I never knew were there. The connection that I feel with him, even though I still really don’t know him, is intense. I know Mark isn’t into anything casual—he’s told me this—and that makes this even better because for once, I don’t want to walk away.
He moves his lips from mine, and when he asks, “Same page?” I know he wants the confirmation for this same question he asked me a couple weeks ago. The question I was too afraid to acknowledge.
Looking up at his flushed face—able to respond this time—I nod and affirm, “Same page,” and my anxiety about this starts to dissolve into the happiness that is swarming through me when he looks at me like he is.
I watch his muscles flex as he slowly lowers himself onto me and reaches down, slipping his hand under the waistband of my gym shorts. When he wraps his hand around me, I let out a low growl with the pleasure that pulses through me as I harden under his touch. His grip is strong as I fist my hands in his hair and slam my mouth over his. Not holding back, I possess his mouth with my tongue as his hand continues to work me.
Fumbling with his belt, I manage to unclasp it and pop the buttons open on his pants. I yank them down enough to be able to freely give him back what he’s giving me. He’s hot to my touch, and just the feel of him is enough to keep me from holding on any longer. I thrust myself into his hand, burying my head in his neck, and moan in intense pleasure as he makes me come. He doesn’t let go of me as I begin to pump him in my hand, gripping tight.
He lets his body fall onto mine, and we shift to our sides. He takes my lips with his, and I move with him in a way I haven’t with anyone else. I go slow and take my time, not wanting to take my hands off of him anytime soon.
Heading over to your place.
Okay. Just let yourself in.
I walk through the parking garage to my spot and click the locks open. Mark wound up staying over for most of the morning. I feel good about where we stand at this point. Allowing myself to open up to him and lay it all out there for him to know, freed some of the fear inside of me.
When I pull up to Candace’s house, only her white Acura is here. I go ahead and let myself in. Kimber isn’t home, so I go straight to Candace’s room. She’s sitting at her desk doing something on her laptop as I walk in.
“Hey, sweetie.”
“Hey,” she says as she closes the lid, and I lie down on her bed as she gets up from her chair and walks over to lie next to me. I was worried that Mark would have an issue with Candace. I think he will have a better understanding of us when he meets her. She lays her head on the pillow next to me, and I shift to face her.
“I need to talk to you about something,” I say, still a little nervous. Not nervous about her reaction—it’s me. It’s taking another step towards cementing the fact that this is truly me.
Turning towards me, she says, “Okay, talk.”
“I haven’t been completely open with you about some stuff that’s been going on, and I need to talk to you about it and tell you everything.”
She pinches her brows together and says, “Okay,” slowly with worry.
“I should have told to you about this from the start, but I was embarrassed.”
“Jase, you can tell me anything,” she assures me.
“I know, and that’s why I feel so awful,” I say and then I just let everything out. “I ran into Mark last night when I left the club. He was the reason I went home and came out to my parents. I really like him. I mean . . . I like him more than I have ever liked anyone. You know how I am with guys, but with him, it’s different, and it started stirring up a lot of stuff I thought I had gotten past.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I told you what it was like for me in high school. Well, I thought I was over that. When I met Mark and started spending time with him, I had feelings for him in a way I hadn’t ever felt towards another guy. It made me scared. When he told me that he wasn’t interested in anything casual, I freaked out.”
She interrupts me and says, “Like, the idea of having a real relationship with a guy would solidify that you’re gay?”
God, she completely gets it. “Yeah,” I say, and then tell her, “So I went to his house when his roommate was there, knowing that Mark would be home soon, and made out w
ith him just so that Mark could catch us. I felt like shit, but I was too much of a coward to just be honest with him. I still feel like shit.”
She shifts herself closer to me and drapes her arm around my waist. “That’s awful. What did he say?”
“Nothing really. I knew I’d hurt him. I was such a shit; I didn’t even say anything to him. I just grabbed my keys and walked out.”
“So you went home to tell your parents because you thought that it would be easier for you to accept you were gay if you came out?”
“Do you know how much I love you?” She smiles up at me as I brush her hair back. “I knew you would understand. I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”
“It’s okay. I understand why you did. But I hate that you were going through this and I wasn’t there for you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So, you talked to him last night? What did you say?”
“I was just honest. I apologized and explained everything. I even told him about my parents.”
“How did it go?”
“He told me that, despite what I did, he still has feelings for me, and I told him that I do too. So he asked if we could just start over. He came over for coffee this morning and we talked more about my family and stuff.”
She pulls back to look me in the eyes. “So, you two are seeing each other? I mean . . . exclusively?”
“Yeah.”
“How are you feeling about it now?”
“Nervous,” I admit. “Mostly because I have never done this, but I love the way he makes me feel when we’re together.”
She tilts her head up, pecks me on the lips, and then gives me her beautiful smile. “I’m really happy for you, you know? I hope he can see how special you are.”
I kiss the top of her head and tuck her under my chin. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such an amazing friend. I love how she just gets me. She doesn’t even have to try. Telling her about Mark feels so good. Hell, everything about today feels good. I just hope he will be patient enough with me so that I can figure this all out and get to a place where I can be free of the shame.
After my talk with Candace yesterday, I totally forgot to ask her what her plans were this weekend and if she’d be up to meeting Mark. I’ve been calling and texting her for the past couple of hours, but I can’t get ahold of her.
I spot her car when I pull in front of Common Grounds, the coffee shop that she works at. When I walk inside, I spot Roxy, her boss, behind the counter.
“Hey, Jase.”
“Roxy, how’ve you been?” I ask and lean over the counter to give her a hug.
“Good. You looking for Candace?”
“Yeah. Is she busy?”
“She’s in the back; it’s been pretty slow,” she says before yelling over her shoulder, “Candace!”
“Hey, Candace,” I say as she walks up to the counter. I lean in to give her a kiss. “I’ve been trying to call you.”
“Oh, sorry. I was at the studio this morning and let the battery drain on my cell, and I never remembered to plug it in to recharge,” she says. “I’ll go do that now before I forget again.” She seems a little spastic when she runs to the back and then quickly returns with her cell and charger.
When she plugs it in, I ask, “So, I wanted to see if you and Kimber could get together with Mark and I later tonight?”
“I’d love to, but I’m working late tonight. How about tomorrow afternoon? We can do a cookout at our house.”
“That sounds great. I really fucked up with him, and I want to make it right. Plus, I want you guys to meet him.”
She leans down on her elbows and looks up at me. “Of course, Jase.”
“Great, I’ll call him and let him know,” I say, and then quickly kiss her forehead. I catch her smile as I turn to leave.
Walking back out to my car, I call Mark.
“Hey, Jase. What’s up?”
“Not much. Do you wanna get together at Candace’s place tomorrow afternoon?”
“Um, yeah. That works for me.”
“Great. I think we will just hang out back and cook out since the weather is supposed to be decent for a change.”
“That sounds good. Are you doing anything tonight?”
“Nothing set in stone. Why?”
“I’m heading out to go for a run, but I was just gonna chill and watch the football game later if you wanted to come over.”
“Oh, umm . . .” is all I can say. No way in hell do I wanna run into Kyle, not after that crap I pulled. But Mark interrupts my thoughts and says, “Kyle doesn’t live here anymore.”
“God, I feel like a dick,” I say as the guilt returns.
“Don’t. We never got along that well anyway.” He tries brushing it off, as if it isn’t the big deal that it actually is.
“Still, I feel like shit about everything.”
“Are you coming over or what?” he interjects, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah. Just text me after your run.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later.
“Later.”
When I got to Mark’s house later that day, we spent the evening drinking beer and watching the game. It was nice to spend that time with him, just taking it easy. We didn’t do anything more than just hold hands and be close to one another. The more time I spend with him, the more I find myself falling for him.
Now here we are, driving together to Candace’s house. It’s important to me that he likes her because she’s such a big part of my life. But at the same time, I really hope she likes him because her opinion is important to me.
When I park the car, I look over at Mark, and he gives me a smile before he steps out. I take his hand and hold it as we walk up to the house. Opening the front door, I call out, “We’re here.”
As I start leading Mark through the living room, Candace walks in from the kitchen and gives me a warm hug.
When I back away, I introduce the two of them. “Mark, this is Candace.”
She smiles big when she turns to Mark. “Hey! It’s great to meet you. Come on in. We’re in the kitchen getting the food ready.”
Walking into the kitchen, Kimber is chowing down on a mouthful of chips when she says, “Hey, Jase.”
Shaking my head, I look at Mark then back at Kimber. “And this crazy girl is Kimber.”
“Nice to meet you guys,” Mark says with a grin.
The girls move around the kitchen and Kimber asks if one of us will start the grill for her.
“Yeah, I can do that,” Mark replies, and Kimber leads him out back as I stay inside with Candace, helping her get all the food to carry out.
“This is a nice place you have,” I hear Mark say to the girls as we walk outside.
Kimber flops down in a chair. “I suppose,” she says with a sigh.
“Please, just ignore her dramatics,” Candace tells Mark as Kimber just laughs. I know she loves trying to get reactions from people, and she is constantly cracking me up. If there is one thing about Kimber, she doesn’t give a shit what people think about her. I love her freedom. I’m jealous of it in a way.
“Hey, Jase, will you run inside and grab the case of beer that’s in the fridge and bring it out? There’s a cooler next to the door that already has ice in it,” Candace says.
“Sure.” I go into the kitchen to get the beers and when I walk back outside, Candace and Mark are chatting about school.
“What are you studying?” I hear her ask him.
Mark takes a swig of his beer and responds, “Same as Jase—Architecture.” She looks over at me and Mark adds, “That’s how we know each other.”
I smile at Mark as he continues to talk with Candace. I get up and walk over to the grill to cook the burgers. I keep turning my head to the two of them and love that they are having an easy time talking to one another.
“He’s really hot,” Kimber says as she steps next to me, nudging her arm against mine.
“Yeah, I know.”
I start taking the meat off the grill and then get a beer before sitting next to Kimber at the fire pit. I leave Mark with Candace since they seem pretty inseparable at the moment. Mark says something to her and she laughs out loud, tossing her head back as he starts to crack up as well. I have no idea what they are talking about, but seeing the two of them laughing like they are, makes me laugh too.
The afternoon passes quickly, and I spend most of it with Kimber, drinking and bullshitting around, all the while, watching Mark and Candace from across the backyard. They’ve been talking and laughing non-stop.
“Help me clean up?” I ask Kimber, and she rolls her eyes at me. “You are such a spoiled brat. Get off your lazy ass, and help me out.”
Sighing in exasperation, she says, “Fine.”
Candace and Mark join us in the kitchen after a while and we decide to call it a night.
Walking us to the door, she says, “It was so good to meet you, Mark.”
“Same here,” he responds.
She pulls him in for a hug and tells him, “You’re welcome anytime, and you don’t need Jase with you to stop by.”
I laugh and shake my head at her when she says this.
“Thanks,” he says.
Kimber yells her “goodbye” from the kitchen and we yell it right back. I grab Candace and give her a tight hug. She whispers softly in my ear, “He’s perfect.”
“I know,” I mumble quietly. I give her a chaste kiss and then head out. Walking to my car with Mark, he takes ahold of my hand and gives my neck a few pecks. We stop at the car and I kiss him. Seeing him so comfortable with my best friend, my only family, makes me happy, and I smile against his lips as we continue to share our slow kiss.
Mark whispers over my lips, “What’s so funny?”
I move back and look at him. “Nothing’s funny. I’m just happy.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and says, “Me too. I see why you love her so much. She’s great.”
“Yeah, she is. So are you.”
The smile that grows on his face is beautiful, so I take one last kiss before we get in the car and start driving back to my place. Since neither one of us has an early class tomorrow, Mark decides to stay the night.
