by E. K. Blair
“I do want that but not with the guilt.”
He shifts so that he is looking at me when he says, “Knowing that you want it, guilt or not, is all I need. I hate that you feel guilty, but I know it’s only because you love so much. I promise you, you’re not doing anything wrong, so you shouldn’t hold your choices against yourself.”
When I see the sincerity in his eyes, I try to convince myself of his words. I sit up and lean my elbows on my knees, and when I feel the touch of Mark’s hand on my back, I drop my head and blink out the tears that have been rimming my eyes. Thoughts of Jack start to pierce into my thoughts, and I grow angry as I think about how much this has changed her. When I think about what that piece of shit did to her, I feel my blood heat in my veins. Resting my head in my hands, I seethe, “I want to kill him.”
“Who?”
“Jack. The asshole that did this to her.” I stand up, not able to sit still with the bitter fury that is starting to overtake me.
As I pace back and forth, Mark scoots to the edge of the couch and says, “I know you do.”
My gut roils with anxiety and rage. Raking my hand through my hair, I turn to Mark and tell him, “She begged me to not do anything, but I have to. Fuck!”
“You are doing something. You’re giving her what she needs from you.” He says this so calmly, but I feel myself starting to lose it.
“It’s not enough when that son of a bitch isn’t paying for this shit!” I spit out and take my car keys out of my pocket. “Fuck it!” I rush to the door, but Mark lurches over the back of the couch and is there before me. “Get the fuck outta my way, man.”
“You need to calm your shit down,” he says in an even, stern tone.
Reaching out to force him to move, he takes one quick step to the side, banding his arms around my sternum and pinning my arms to my sides.
“Get the fuck off me!” I bend my arms and try thrashing my elbows into him, but I can’t get any movement.
“Not until you calm down.”
Adrenaline is pumping through me, but his hold is too strong for me to break. “You didn’t fuckin’ see her, Mark! You didn’t see what that fucker did to her!”
“I saw enough, man! I get it.”
“He fuckin’ destroyed her!” This time, when I jerk my body, I break his hold on me.
When I get to the door, he yells, “You’re the only one she trusts!” His words stop me from turning the knob. “If you leave, you’ll fuck that up for her.”
Everything tunnels, and all I can see is her on the bottom of my shower. My heart is heavy, and it beats hard against my chest. I feel so goddamn worthless. I don’t move as I speak into the door, breathless. “She’s never going to do anything about this. She’s just gonna pretend it never happened, and he’s never pay for what he did.” I choke back a breath as tears fall down my face and then turn to look at him. “So tell me . . . what the hell do I do?” I beg and when he steps to me, I drop my head into the curve of his neck and break.
Mark wraps himself around me and doesn’t loosen his grip. I feel myself start to calm down and try and force myself to relax. “I feel worthless knowing who did this and where to find him but not doing anything.”
“I know you do, but you have to get your head around reality.” When he says this, I pull back and look at him dead on. He wipes my cheeks with his knuckles and says, “Reality is, if you beat the shit out of him, then what? You break your promise to Candace and wind up hurting her more.”
“So I just do nothing and let him get away with this?” I ask, not sure if I can do that.
“If that’s what she wants, then, yes. But that’s her cross to bear, not yours.” When I drop my head, he tells me, “You have to stop beating yourself up. You aren’t doing anything wrong, Jase.”
I let out a deep sigh, feeling defeat wash over me. “She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”
“I know.”
“I can’t lose her.”
“I know, but you can only do so much.”
“But I feel like I’m not doing enough.”
“You don’t even have to do anything . . . it’s enough because you’re enough.”
His words hit deep. I suddenly think back to how I hurt him. How could I be so scared of someone that’s so sweet? I take his hand in mine and offer another apology for my actions. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you before.”
Giving me a hint of a smile, he says, “It’s done with.”
“It doesn’t make it right.”
“I know, but I also understand why you did it, and I hate that you ever felt that way.” Tugging on my hand, he says, “Come on. You look exhausted, and I have no intentions of going to class today.”
He leads me to his room, and we kick off our shoes before lying down in bed. Mark pulls the covers over us, and I draw him in close to me, grazing my jaw along his neck. I’ve never lost my cool like that in front of anyone, but having him see me so stripped makes me feel a new level of closeness with him.
“I have an idea,” he mumbles close to my ear.
“What’s that?”
“Why don’t we have a night in with Candace? Try and take her mind off of everything. Just have fun.”
Tilting my chin up, I kiss him. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and grip tight.
“So that’s a yes?” he laughs when I pull back.
“Thanks,” I whisper against his skin, and he presses his lips to mine as I breathe, “No one has ever given me what you do.”
He runs his hand down my cheek and looks me in the eyes when he tells me, “I want to give you everything.” Those words are the only affirmation I need to know how he feels about me—about us—and I feel it too.
Mark and I spent most of the day in bed together. We really needed this time, so we took it. Having him like this . . . it feels right. For once, it finally feels right. In the midst of this chaos that surrounds me, he has a way about him that brings me back to solid ground. I know I need him. I need him in a way I haven’t needed anyone in the past.
We go back to my place after running out for a quick dinner. I told Mark that I gave Candace a key to my apartment, and that I wanted to be there in case she came over in the middle of the night. He agreed that was probably the best thing to do.
Both of us get ready for bed, and I’m happy that we don’t have to be apart, especially after today. A big piece of me needs him close right now. I lie down and Mark slides in behind me, wrapping his body around mine. I reach for my phone when it chimes. “It’s Candace,” I say as I open the text to read. She texted me when we were at dinner to let me know she had gotten off work and was heading home.
Goodnight. I miss u.
I hold the phone out so that Mark can read what she sent and what I type back to her.
Miss u too. Did u see Kimber?
Yeah. Didn’t really say much. It’s awkward.
I’m sorry, sweetie. Hopefully it will get better and things will get less weird for you guys.
Maybe. Is Mark with you?
Yeah.
Tell him I said HI. Love you guys.
We love you too.
I set the phone down next to my pillow, and Mark nestles his head in the crook of my neck, giving it a couple pecks before asking, “Are you okay?”
I shake my head no.
“Talk to me?”
“It doesn’t feel right,” I say as I roll over in his arms and face him. “Neither one of us wants to be alone, but I’m here with you, and she’s all by herself.”
His eyebrows knit together, and he lets out a sigh. He doesn’t say anything, but really, what can he say? He just kisses me and holds me, and for some reason, it’s enough.
The heat from the sun feels good on my face. The mixture of sand and salt on my skin and in the air I breathe is comforting, and I need it so badly—the comfort. How did I get here? How did life get so fucked up? I stare out at the sun as its first drop of fire hits the water and soaks it up.
“This is my favorite part, you know? Fire and water.”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“The way they melt together flawlessly. You wouldn’t think that two things that should never unite would be so perfect for each other, but they are. It’s beautiful.”
Her voice echoes in my head as I see the reflection of fire scatter across the choppy water. She’s right. It’s beautiful.
“I miss you.” The words hurt coming out of me. My throat constricts in pain, and my voice trembles. But I have to say it.
“I’ve never left you.”
“I’ve needed you so many times, but you’re never there,” I choke out around the tears that run down my face.
“I’m here, Jase.”
Peeling my eyes away from the blue ocean, I meet gold. She still looks the same. Eighteen years old and soft golden eyes. I age, and she remains. You would think she would be cold, but when I reach over and take her hand in mine, she’s so warm. She’s gorgeous but painful to look at.
She smiles—happy and peaceful.
“I’m so alone, Jace.”
As she shifts to face me, she says, “No, you’re not.”
I don’t respond. I simply stare at her, etching every detail into my memory because I know this won’t last. It can’t. Life is just cruel like that.
“She’s going to be okay.”
Denying her words, I say, “I don’t think so. She’s so lost.”
“You’re her home. You can’t be lost if you’re home,” she assures me.
“But you’re my home. So where does that leave me?”
She shakes her head slightly when she questions, “What about Mark? What is he to you?”
“I don’t really know. God, Jace, I’ve done horrible things,” I confess as I continue to cry. “Mom and Dad won’t even talk to me.”
“You couldn’t keep lying to them though. And Mark loves you. You can’t be afraid for the world to see you.”
“I’m afraid they won’t understand.”
“Maybe they won’t, but the Jase I know wouldn’t care what others think. You’re gay . . . so what?”
Her words make me laugh, and I’ve needed to hear them for so long.
“You’re so much stronger than this. Don’t let life stand in the way of what you want—what you deserve.” She grips my shoulders under her hands and tells me, “Life isn’t gonna be here forever. It passes by quickly and the time is lost, so don’t waste it.” When she lets go of me, she turns to stare out at the water. “Jase, you have everything that was stolen from me. I lost it all and you’re wasting it. And for what? Because you’re scared?”
Taking her words, I admit, “I think I might love him.” I meet her eyes and continue, “I know I hardly know him, but I think I could really love him.”
Her smile is perfect and everything I need to see right now. We turn our attention back to watch the last of the sun before it’s completely submerged in the water. A union that should never be but always is. Day after day. A cycle that never ends.
I’m content. In this moment, I’m happy. I feel like I have everything until I look to my side and find myself staring down an endless path of sand.
My eyes flood, and I let them fall shut.
When I open my eyes again, I stare out the rain-covered window in my room. Even though Mark’s arms are wrapped around me, I want to leave him and go back. Just like that—she’s gone, and I am here, under the gray-covered sky, far from our beach.
Sitting up, I turn and shift to the edge of the bed and lower my head in my hands. I replay her words; I try not to lose the sound of her voice, but my focus is interrupted when I hear, “Are you okay?”
I hate that dreams have to end, but they do, and reality ensues.
I turn and fall back down on the bed. Mark doesn’t say anything else, he just watches me as I lie here. My chest hurts. It aches. I’m sure the pain is written on my face. Rolling on my side, towards Mark, I tell him, “I miss her.”
“Who?”
“My sister.”
He reaches over and pulls me close to him. I can see the question in his eyes, and I know he doesn’t know what to say, so I fill in the blanks for him. “She was in my dream.” I pause before revealing, “I know it isn’t real, but it feels like it is.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he admits, but I move past his words and continue.
“She knew everything; I didn’t even have to tell her.” I watch as Mark’s eyes begin to rim with tears that he never allows to fall. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s thinking: You’re crazy. Of course she knows everything; she’s just a figment of your imagination. It’s all in your head. I know that’s logic, but I choose not to believe it.
I lie there in his arms as I allow my mind to drift back to the beach, not wanting to lose her just yet. Pretending that the warmth of Mark’s body is the warmth of the sun. I know it’s desperate, but I do it anyway.
“What the hell is all this?” I ask as I dig through the black and white Sephora bag that Mark tossed on the coffee table.
“I told you, we’re gonna make her smile tonight.”
Taking out a small tub, I read the label, “Glam Glow? Tingling and exfoliating mud mask.” I start laughing and shake my head.
“Dude, girls like this shit.”
“Really?” I say with a tilt of my head. “How do you know?”
“‘Cause my sisters are into this junk.”
I tease Mark, but I love that he has gone to this length to give my girl a fun night. I watch him as he walks into my kitchen, takes a bottle of beer from the fridge, and returns to his bag of nail polish, pore strips, and a couple more things I can’t recognize. He makes me laugh, and I intend on thoroughly enjoying watching him emasculate himself tonight.
I take advantage of the alone time we have before Candace gets here and all but devour him on the couch. I’m surprised that we haven’t had sex yet. Normally that’s the first thing I do with guys. Hell, that’s the only thing I have ever really done with guys. But with Mark, it doesn’t bother me to move slowly.
We scramble off the couch when we hear the door open. Candace steps in and gives both of us a knowing look, but Mark grabs her hand and starts talking to her before she can say anything.
After a few beers, I sit back in my chair and watch Candace and Mark apply mud to each other’s faces.
Laughing, I say to Mark, “You know how ridiculous you look with that shit on you?”
“Shut up,” Candace teases. “Your face could benefit from a good cleansing if your panties weren’t wadded up so tight.”
Mark and I both laugh, and it’s nice to see her in a more lighthearted mood. Candace sips her wine as she questions Mark about everything from his band to his family. She props her feet on his lap and Mark proceeds to paint her toenails. I watch him with her. He sits there, wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts, with mud on his face, trying to cheer up the only other girl I have ever loved aside from my sister. It’s in this moment that I know I’m starting to fall in love. The fact that he is doing this, and I know it’s more for me than it is for her, makes me see how much he really does care.
When Mark finishes, he hops off the couch and heads into the kitchen.
“Grab me a water while you’re in there,” Candace hollers to Mark as he’s rummaging around.
When he starts sauntering back into the living room, water in hand, with his face covered in a brown facial mask, I notice the smile that finally appears on Candace’s face. I laugh at how ridiculous Mark looks right now.
Handing Candace the bottle of water, he says, “Here you go, sweetheart.”
“Thanks.” She shakes her head at him and grins.
I hear her let out a small giggle and then she turns to look at me. I feel less weight in my chest knowing that Mark just gave her this. If only for a moment, he gave her a piece of her old self back.
I give her a wink before Mark falls across my lap and pulls me in for a kiss, getting mud all over my
face. “Dude, that shit is everywhere!” I try to say with force, but it’s betrayed by my laughter.
“Come on. Kiss me, Jase,” he teases, and I try pushing him away, but he fights to stay on top of me, smearing that crap all over me. Mark and I both stop wrestling when we hear Candace laughing loudly at us. The three of us stare at each other, all knowing each other’s thoughts without even speaking. We know what just happened was big, so we just absorb the moment.
When it starts getting late, Mark and Candace go to the bathroom to clean their faces off, and I get ready for bed. I can hear the two of them laughing quietly over the running water. It’s the best damn sound in the world to me right now, and he gave it to me.
When they walk into the room, Candace slips under the covers, and I wrap myself around her as Mark slides in behind me and wraps himself around me. I love that the three of us can be here. These are the two people I love the most, and knowing they love each other too is near perfect.
Candace lets out a deep breath and says, “Thanks guys.”
I kiss the top of her head when Mark says, “Anytime,” and then presses his lips to the back of my neck.
Candace wound up spending most of the day with me. Mark had to get some stuff done before his show tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve heard him play, but tonight I’m going with him to Blur to hang out.
I shrug on my shirt and throw some gel in my hair when I hear my cell ring.
“You here?”
“Yeah. I’m around the corner by Peet’s,” Mark says.
Walking out of my building, I round the corner and see Mark’s white Range Rover parked by the curb. When I hop in, I lean over and give him a quick kiss before he starts making the short drive to the bar. He parks in the back lot and grabs his guitar from the backseat.
“So, Ryan, the guy that owns this place, wants us to start playing every Saturday,” he says as we start walking through the lot to the back door.
