A Prayer Heeded

by Samreen Ahsan

  “I am not hungry, Mike. I will have salad.” Somehow, I am not comfortable with celebrating my birthdays. It brings all my past memories into the present.

  “Do you know you’ve started to look like a famine victim?” He puts the menu down on the table. “I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself. It was better when Adam was in your life. At least he was feeding you properly. You make me worry about you all the time, Rania.” He places his hand on mine. I look everywhere but at him, perhaps unconsciously searching for someone.

  The restaurant has thick hardwood floors, and dark wooden tables and chairs, accented with Tiffany lights in beautiful colors. Due to the gloomy weather outside, they have turned on all the lights in the restaurant, making it feel like nighttime. I know Mike is still looking at me.

  “You should try to move on, Rania. There’s no point in—”

  “I can’t forget him, Mike. It’s not in my hands. I know I’m responsible for my own misery, but I can’t help it.” I rest my hand on my forehead.

  “Are you…I mean, did you want him to remember your birthday?” he asks me gently.

  “He might not know.” I lie to myself, trying to console my heart.

  “Yeah, right.” Mike rolls his eyes. “Listen, Rania. I brought you here so that we could sit and talk about it.” He looks at me seriously. He has all my attention.

  The waiter appears with an appetizer and Mike orders minestrone soup for both of us.

  “It has been almost a month since you guys broke up. You told him to stay away from you; he’s respecting your wishes. If he’s moved on with his life, I think you should too.” He scoots his seat next to me to look into my eyes more intensely. “I don’t know what he did for you that I couldn’t in all those years, and you were never able to feel for me the way you do for him. But I promise I won’t do anything like he did to you. As much as I love you, I respect your feelings, too. I will never question you about Adam. All you need to do is to look at me once and give me a chance to prove it.” What is he talking about?

  “I promise to love you and cherish you forever, Rania. Please be mine.” He takes my hand and holds it tightly. I look away from him. It’s not that he has never declared his love to me before, but today it feels different. Even with everything that’s happened, his love for me has not changed at all.

  “I will never bring the wall of religion between us. We can both live by our own beliefs, as long as we have faith and love for each other. I promise I will give you so much love that you will forget your past. Just put your trust on me.” I can hear sincerity in his voice, see veracity in his eyes, but still my heart is not moving.

  I close my eyes, and a single teardrop falls from the corner of my eye. Should I really trust him and move on with my life? Would he be my soul mate if I tell him everything about me? I know Adam’s chapter of my life is closed, and I don’t dare to turn the pages again. But with Mike, will it be a new beginning? Should I give him a chance? For all these years, he has always understood me. Will he really understand and believe in my truth, if I tell him? I know if I ask him he will say he’ll believe me, and that’s what Adam said too. But what makes him different from Adam? Both of them asked for my trust. I trusted one of them and he broke my heart. Am I really ready to trust another man in my life? Should I give him a chance?

  I open my eyes and see him looking at me, waiting for my response.

  “I need some time, Mike. I need some time to think.” I take a deep breath and wipe my face with the back of my hand. “My life is too cluttered. I need to organize it first.”

  “I’ve waited for years, Rania. I can wait a little more. You have always refused me; it’s better this time. At least you’re willing to consider it.” I can see a ray of hope in Mike’s eyes. His eyes are sparkling.

  In his excitement, he orders a really large chocolate cake to celebrate my birthday. He announces to the whole restaurant that he will be offering dessert to everyone. I can see how happy he is, and it is making me happy too. Sometimes, giving happiness to someone is much more satisfying than any other act. I have not said ‘yes’ to him, but the fact that I didn’t refuse him gratifies him more than anything. He asks the restaurant staff to play some joyful music so he can dance with me.

  I look around in embarrassment. Everyone is looking at us, but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s acting like I’ve already accepted his proposal.

  “Mike, I don’t know why you are so happy. I haven’t said yes to you.” I speak into his ear while we dance.

  “I know. But at least you didn’t push me away. That’s huge progress. I’m celebrating my progress, that’s all.” People are looking admiringly at how nice he looks when he dances.

  When we finish dancing, he takes a box from his pocket and hands it to me. “Happy birthday once again.” I look at him with surprise. “Would you open it?” he asks innocently, like a child. I open the box and am surprised to see a beautiful charm bracelet.

  He takes the bracelet out of the box and wraps it around my wrist. “This will remind you of me, every time you look at it.” He speaks with confidence. It is a beautiful silver bracelet, with charms related to our memories. I see our initials, two hearts locked together, and some beautiful ocean pearls, with mini charms of places we’ve visited together. I can’t believe he could be so thoughtful.

  We have a wonderful lunch. We talk about everything except ourselves. Mike shares all his recent police stories, which are always fun to listen to. Before I know it, I realize we’ve been at the restaurant for two hours.

  “Shit! It’s late. I had so much work, Mike.” I look at my watch in despair.

  “Chill, okay? I already asked Dad if it would be okay for you to take a long lunch. Can we have dinner tonight? Like a real date?” He looks at me with hope, while eating the last piece of chocolate cake.

  “Not today, Mike. Please give me some time. I don’t like celebrating birthdays, and you know why. Maybe some other day.” I pause for a moment; all the happiness is gone from his face. “How about next week? I will get my salary and buy a beautiful dress for a date, and then you can pick me up and take me out.” I flash a smile at him.

  His mouth drops open with surprise. I guess he wasn’t expecting this from me. But I also see too much joy in those gray eyes. “I can’t wait for next week, then.”

  ***

  The rest of my day passes in a jiffy. I wasn’t expecting Ben to call all my teammates and celebrate my birthday in a private conference room. It feels awkward when everyone congratulates you on being one year older. Birthdays were nice when my parents used to celebrate with me. They are not exciting anymore. Somehow, I always really want to skip this one day out of my life.

  It’s almost seven in the evening when I realize that everyone else at work is gone. I was so engrossed in designing my new brochure that I didn’t notice them leaving. The office is empty, and it’s dark outside. I get up from my chair and put on my jacket. Then I pick up my handbag and head toward the elevator.

  The ground level looks vacant too. No one works this late on Fridays. I reach the deserted turnstile and swipe my card. The Plexiglas door doesn’t move at all. I look around, but I don’t see any security person to assist me. How do I get out of here now? I touch the badge to the magnetic reader again, but the screen still shows an “X.” Why isn’t it accepting my card? It was working fine this afternoon. Do I have limited time access in this building? I can’t work after six, or what? I still don’t see a security officer, and I don’t have a damn phone with me. Finally a security officer approaches me. Thank God.

  “Hi. Glad you came in time. My card doesn’t seem to work. Can you open the door so that I can get out?”

  “You will have to come this way, Miss. Your access card needs some authorization changes.” He leads the way and I follow him blindly. There is a wide passage with many steel doors; he takes me to one of the rooms, where I see lots of CCTV monitors. I assume it is the security room.

  “Pleas
e, sit down. I’ll be right back.” He offers me a chair and leaves the room. That’s strange. I sit down, looking at the monitors. They show every passage and corridor throughout the whole building. I wonder where the security guy went.

  Suddenly I feel someone placing a thick cloth on my eyes, blindfolding me.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I shout, trying to remove the cloth. Someone grabs my hands tightly and handcuffs them behind my back.

  “Hey, what are you doing? Who is this?” No one responds. The strong hands lift me up by my arm and drag me off. “Where are you taking me? Who is this? This is not right!” I am dead scared right now and somehow, I can’t even speak properly. I feel like my heart is stuck in my throat. I try to pull away from the strong arms, but my fear is making everything worse. My knees are not working at all.

  Someone is forcing me into a car. I hear the car starting. I try to move, but my hands are still cuffed. I can’t see anything. Shit. Am I kidnapped? I am so frightened; I start praying in my heart for God to protect me from harm. I stay quiet until the car stops.

  The driver, or whoever it is, pulls me out of the car. I feel myself in open air, the cold wind hitting my face. Someone is holding me firmly by the arm. I just walk with the silent person, waiting for my life to end.

  We climb some steps, and the person guides me slowly, until I hear a door closing behind me. It is very silent, and warm, so I know I am not outside anymore. The person pushes me down onto a seat. I assume he is the same guy, due to the strength and firmness of his touch. He wraps some kind of restraint around my waist and buckles it. I move my head to listen to my surroundings, trying to discover where I am. I hear a different engine sound starting. Where the hell I am?

  “Lear 35, ready for departure,” says a male voice. Shit! I’m on a plane! But who is taking me? Where is he taking me? I feel so helpless, I cry out with fear.

  “Is anyone there? Please, talk to me! What have I done? Where am I?” There is no answer. “Please, help me.” Tears pour down my face, soaking my blindfold.

  Suddenly I feel someone sit down very close to me. So close that I can feel the breath on my skin. The person lifts my hair and tucks it behind my shoulders, taking all the strands away from my face. It is a very familiar fragrance. It is a very familiar touch. Shit!

  “Adam?” I say in a broken voice. I feel his breath hitting my skin. “I know it’s you, Adam. Talk to me.” My heart starts to beat like a drum, feeling his fingers brush my face. It is him. Damn it.

  I try to catch my breath, but it is hard for me to breathe when he is so close to me. Why isn’t he talking to me?

  “This is no joke, Adam. What the hell are you doing?” I say, trying to hide my fear as much as I can. I am so damn sure it is him. I remember his fragrance. He has always smelled so good and my body has always responded, accustomed to dwell in the wildest fantasies of him.

  “You still remember my touch?” Finally, I hear his voice. “I thought you forgot all about me.” I can hear him smiling. How can I forget that touch, which melts me like snow under scorching sun? “How did you guess?” he whispers.

  “Because no one else dares to come so close to me,” I snap.

  “That’s right, baby.” He chuckles. “No one will ever come close to you, except me.”

  “Get me out of this, Adam. What do you think you are doing?” I frown with frustration, trying to pull my hands from the handcuffs.

  “You have been a bad girl lately, Rania.” I feel him too close to me. He is drunk. I can feel it. He pulls my woolen scarf off my neck. What is he doing? “A really bad, bad girl.” He opens the buttons of my jacket and slides it down to my tied hands, and strokes my neckline gently with his fingers, close to my diamond chain. I am sure he is registering that I never took it off. My heartbeat gets shallow on me, as if my heart will come out of my mouth. “You have tested my patience a lot, Rania. You provoked me to do all this. I was never like that.”

  I turn my head, straining to look around, though I can’t see anything. “You are kidnapping me, Adam?”

  “You leave me no choice. You cut off all connection with me. Just one mistake, and you ripped me out of your life as if I don’t exist anymore. You think I can let you go so easily? Do you think I can let all my desires for you go down the drain?” He caresses my cheek. “No, Rania. I can never let you go. I always wanted to take the right path, but you were very difficult, almost like a challenge.” He begins touching my face and my neck with his warm lips, and when he kisses my neck, he sends hot threads of desire all through me. Oh hell! I can’t take it anymore.

  “Is that some kind of a threat, Adam? Are you going to harm me?” I ask fearlessly. I wonder why I am not afraid of him.

  “I will never harm you. And you know that. Whatever I do, will be by your will.” He kisses me gently on my collarbone. “And I will make my desire your will. I promise.” He breathes against me. “But I just wonder, in all those weeks, if I ever crossed your mind? Did you ever think about me?” His titillating touch sends desire cresting in me. Shit. Can somebody stop him?

  “Tell me, Rania. Did you ever think of me in the last few weeks?” I have no idea what to say. I hear him smiling. “You never say it, but your body does. I can hear your heart beating for me. I can feel your body vibrating at my touch.” I am sure he can hear my heart beating, because it’s stomping like crazy.

  “But first, I would like to feed you.” I sense him shifting away from me. I hear some clinking of plates and utensils. “You think I didn’t know you weren’t eating? Do you remember the last dinner you had?” I move my head to follow the sounds, but don’t say anything. “I had my eyes on you all the time, Rania. I admit it; you are my obsession and my possession. And I like to take care of the things that are mine.”

  “I am not a thing, Adam,” I snap at him with anger.

  He sits next to me, too close again, breathing in my hair. “I know, baby. You’re not. That’s what I wanted to tell you. You are not a thing. And you are not dead meat, either.” He is whispering in my ear. “I know you can feel me, Rania. I can see it in your body.”

  “Stay away from me, Adam. I don’t want you in my life anymore,” I cry, speaking a lie. Of course I want him, but not this way. Why is he doing this to me?

  He puts a piece of grilled chicken in my mouth to shut me up. Does he really think I feel like eating after that? My stomach is already in knots, flipping everywhere.

  “Stop talking and eat.” He commands me like a master, and I have no other choice but to listen to him. I eat silently. He gives me orange juice sips in between bites of food. He is actually feeding me by force.

  The process goes on, until my stomach is completely full, and I move my mouth away when he tries to feed me more. We don’t talk anymore during the entire feeding process. He moves, and I assume he is putting the plate away.

  He comes back, sitting very close to me. He passes his fingers gently through my hair.

  “You know what the problem is here?” He speaks into my neck. “The path that I took toward you doesn’t have a U-turn. That’s just how it is. There is no turning back for me, Rania. And I know your path doesn’t have any U-turn, either. So baby…you have no choice other than walking toward me. Don’t just stand there, keeping us both in a deadlock.” He keeps caressing my arms with his gentle touch.

  “You are drunk, Adam. You don’t know what you are saying.”

  I hear him chuckling again. “Yeah, right! But if you are in your right mind, then tell me how to forget you? Tell me how to get you off my mind?” What kind of question is that? “You have destroyed me, mentally. I can’t think of anything other than you. Just tell me how to erase you from my mind, and I will walk away.” I stay quiet; I have no clue how to respond. “I know you don’t have an answer, because we’re in the same boat. You don’t know how to forget me, either. Do you?” His touch dances over every nerve ending of my neck and I have no time to get my bearings.

  Bringing me back to life—th
at’s what he’s doing. I never realized I am nothing without him. His touch ignites me, makes me walk on the brink between fantasy and reality. And I am walking in both of my worlds. I really don’t care where I fall, because I know wherever I fall, either in my world of fantasy or in my reality, he will be there to hold me in his arms.

  “Lear 35, ready for landing.” I hear the same voice. I have no idea where is he flying me to. I feel so insecure and helpless, but still I am not afraid at all. He puts my jacket back on me and buttons it up to my neck. I feel the aircraft landing and, after some time, the engine stops. Why is he keeping me blindfolded? I feel him unbuckling me, lifting me up by my arm and wrapping my scarf around my neck.

  I hear the door opening, and an extremely cold wind hits my face. I have no idea where I am, geographically. He holds me tightly and leads me down the steps. I feel soft, deep snow under my feet. I walk quietly beside him. I don’t know where he is taking me; I am following him blindly. He is holding me with a firm grip, so I won’t slip and fall in the snow. We sit in a car and it takes us—somewhere.

  After almost ten minutes of driving, our car stops and he helps me out of it. We walk a few steps and then I feel my body moving into some warmer, indoor area. I hear the sounds of zippers. I try to figure out what that means, but it makes no sense. I don’t know why I am not frightened anymore. No matter how Adam is acting, I don’t feel scared of him.

  “Sit,” he orders me in a firm tone. I feel my bottom landing on a soft warm floor. I hear him taking off his jacket, and then I sense him taking off my shoes and socks. He rubs my cold feet hard with his hands, to make them warm. He is so strange. First he kidnaps me, blindfolds me, handcuffs me, feeds me forcibly—and now he is warming me up. Why is he doing all this? When my feet are warm enough, he unlocks my handcuffs.

  I am reaching for my blindfold when he speaks. “Don’t even try to take that off.” It is a very commanding tone, leaving me no choice but to obey. I am at his mercy, after all. He takes off my jacket, rubbing my arms to restore the circulation, as they are stiff from being tied up for so long.