by Leanne Davis
“Oh. That’s fine.”
“You want a brownie? Fresh and hot.”
“No!” she snaps as I wander through the door to the back. I dump the dishes for the woman who is currently the official dishwasher.
Walking out, I raise my hands up in the air like she’s arresting me. “Okay. Bad idea.”
She shakes her head and flops down on one of the stools at the bar. I cross nearer to where she sits and lean against the counter. “Sorry. I’m trying to eat clean.”
“Eat clean? How much cleaner can you get than the food I made?” I grin at her, knowing what she means. I shake my head. “You really don’t need to diet, Claudia.” I am always hesitant to say anything about weight, dieting, food or whatever to any woman. But Claudia has half-lived with me during the last year, and she half-helped me raise my daughter. Before that, she was like my sister. Our bond is only stronger now.
She sighs and the air lifts her thin fringe of bangs. Some get caught with static electricity and don’t fall flat down, but she doesn’t realize it. “I’m not. I’m changing my entire attitude about food and how to take care of myself… I intend to apply that towards accepting myself, however I am.”
I lean over and take her hand, squeezing her fingers. There is no one kinder, smarter, or prettier than Claudia Tamasy and seeing how she can’t seem to realize that makes my heart ache. I think about my daughter. Why are women in general so dissatisfied with themselves? Their bodies or their hair or whatever they dislike has to be compared to every other woman they see. I can’t ever get my head around it. Imagine if men did that. How odd that would be? No one would glance at Wesley and conclude his hair, face, job or muscles had any bearing on how I look or what I did. But women so often seem to compare themselves to each other. Seems pretty insane to me.
“In fact… you’ll never guess who’s teaching me this.”
I let go of Claudia’s hand as I wipe down the counter. “Oh, yeah? Who?”
“Kaeja Ingalles.”
I freeze as her name reverberates through me. Kaeja? Crap. It’s been so long. A whole year. Too long, but it seems as if it were yesterday. So long since I all but drowned in her embrace and bed. I felt like I would drown when she wasn’t there to cling to. Like being thrown in shark-infested waters without a boat, a life preserver or even a rope. Navigating my grief without her was much harder, even with Devon’s presence and ceaseless help, than it was when I was with her.
But after what happened? Well, I still grow hot around my collar at the fond images. She was my wife’s best friend and we had sex, barely a month after my wife died. Who does that? No one but me. Who has sex that hurts the very people I claim to love and care about? The screwed-up part is: I do care about them. I cared about Devon when I had sex with Ireena. I still was in love with Ireena when I had sex with Kaeja. I don’t know how sex always manages to become such a mess for me. My judgment is so bad… I finally realized I just had to stop. Stop. I was out of control for years. First by what I did to Devon with his girlfriend; and then to my barely-dead-wife with her best friend, someone I also consider my friend. I made it so we couldn’t be around each other or together, rendering us unable to help each other, which would have made everything easier.
Since that night with Kaeja, I have sworn off sex. I’ve concentrated solely on rebuilding my relationship with Devon. Taking care of Dayshia, learning the restaurant business, and fully taking it over when my mom and Tara retired, I’ve invested all of my energy into being better, nicer, healthier and becoming someone who makes far better decisions.
To do that successfully? I can’t have sex. I think it somehow contributed to making me the worst person on the face of the planet, when I used to be a decent enough guy.
I sneak a glance at Claudia, and find she’s staring at me sharply. Knowingly? It seems like it. Is she checking my reaction to Kaeja’s name? That would be odd. Claudia never knew anything and never asked me about Kaeja or where she disappeared to. I keep my tone light as I say, “Oh, yeah? How is she?”
“She looks amazing. Still so athletic and graceful. I always admired her and her style. Anyway, she helped me choose a wedding dress and promised to help me follow her lifestyle choices and try to live more like she lives.” Claudia sighs. “I don’t honestly know. She says I can’t diet or plan to lose a ton of weight since that doesn’t work and the pounds don’t stay off. She’ll show me what she does by eating only clean, whole foods, doing yoga, workouts and meditation… and everything else that keeps her healthy. Not skinny.”
“She’s lived that way since we met her. Tried to convince Ireena, but she ignored Kaeja’s suggestions.”
“Yeah, we had it out a bit about Ireena, considering how we felt about each other. Ireena and me, that is.”
“How is Kaeja doing now?”
“She seemed like she wanted to talk to me. And be with me and liked me reaching out to her. So maybe she’s healed well enough to move on and be friends with me. Or else she’s just super lonely and I’m here. I’m not sure which.”
“Kaeja had a harder row to hoe than most,” I say simply.
Claudia’s head tilts. I wonder if she knows. I sense she might. I hope she doesn’t say anything. My affair with my brother’s girlfriend-turned-my-wife, also insured that my sex life would be the main topic of all conversations for several years to come. Explanations to my freaking mom, my grandparents, and family friends got really old really fast. I was appalled by how much the scandal made the sensitive, private act so… I don’t know, out there. I don’t want to ever repeat that. Discretion is my policy now. Quiet. If and when I ever trust myself enough to start having sex again, it will be after careful thought and consideration. I sincerely hope to never discuss it with my mother again. Or anyone else.
“Apparently, so did, Ireena,” Claudia says quietly. “I didn’t consider her perspective and the hard path she had to climb.”
“You and Kaeja did some bonding?”
“Yeah. I think we did. Ireena harbored anger at me. For being blonde and white and for wanting a black man. Do you agree? Do you ever think that? I mean, about me and Devon?”
“Claudia…” I shake my head with a groan. “Ireena had issues that were specific to how she grew up. No, I think your love with my brother is something lucky and special. There’s no one better suited for him than you.”
Her nod is solemn, and I see the relief that washes over her features. “But love isn’t colorblind.”
I snort. “No one is. It’s a part of you two as much as it was for Ireena and me. It’s part of society and how they tolerate diversity. It’s a different experience for both of us and everyone else. But wrong? Is that what you’re asking now? Do I think Ireena was right to believe Devon shouldn’t be with you? She was fucking wrong as shit about that.”
Claudia shrugs and gives me a little smile. “Thank you for saying that. I never knew what you really thought, considering…”
“My wife was very outspoken and sometimes wrong. She and I had different perspectives for the same reason you and she did. I tried to understand her and vice versa. Does that make any sense?”
“It didn’t make sense back then. But I’m trying to see it. Kaeja said a few things that stuck with me and struck me as true.”
“So… Kaeja and you? Friendly?”
Claudia gives me a long, eye-holding look. She’s speaking to me clearly but without saying the words. “You should call her, Damion. It’s been a long time. A long enough time.” She speaks quietly but I sense the underlying message behind it.
I lean back and grip the counter behind me. “You two really had a bonding session, huh?”
She smiles. “We did. And she needs us. She lost her favorite person and does not have much to look forward to. You really should contact her.”
I shake my head. “I’m not able to. I’m so busy at the café and with Dayshia and that’s… enough. Devon will be moving out soon… It’s time for you two to move on, and that means I n
eed to adjust accordingly. I want to change my track record and do the right thing now.”
Devon walks in, carrying a box of supplies in his arms. His grin lights up his face when he makes eye contact with Claudia. It seems as if it’s the first time he ever saw her. He walks toward her and leans over to kiss her mouth. More than just a peck so I roll my eyes as she pushes him away. She giggles and blushes as she turns back to me. I groan, but there are no two people I’m as happy for as I am for them.
Devon comes back out after emptying his hands. He walks behind Claudia and wraps his arms around her waist. Greeting her again, he whispers something private in her ear, which has her squirming, grinning and blushing. They are way too cute. Devon sits next to her, facing her, spreading his legs so her knees are between his and he holds her hand. “So… what are you two discussing? How lucky you both are in having me?”
She rolls her eyes and pushes at him. “No. Kaeja Ingalles.”
Devon’s eyes round and widen. “Wow, I haven’t seen her in forever. Ireena’s death hit her pretty hard.” It’s a testament to how far Devon and I have come that he can say Ireena’s name in passing and neither of us tense up, glare at each other, or even avoid it. We talk about her in a more casual way now. It’s no longer taboo. Everyone no longer has to walk on eggshells around the subject of Ireena. Honestly. We let it hang between us; relegated to the reality of what happened and we deal with that. It did happen. Ireena and I did what we did. There is no hiding or pretending otherwise. It’s quite a relief to have it out in the open. Fanning it with oxygen engulfed us in its flames for a long while, until it died down. Now the smoldering coals rarely flare up. When they do, we deal with it. We talk. We live with the new reality. For Ireena was my wife that died and I can’t pretend otherwise.
“She had a lot to work out after Ireena died,” I add.
Claudia nods. “I’m going to start seeing her more often. She’s helping me find my… new lifestyle, seeking fitness and health instead of diets and dramatic weight loss. Her way is slow and steady.”
Devon shakes his head. “Do you want to do that?”
“I’m excited, no, thrilled to start it. And…” Claudia pauses for dramatic effect, “I bought a wedding dress. Today. Now. It fits me as I am. I can always alter it if necessary. But as Kaeja so eloquently pointed out, you’re marrying me, not me on a particular day and—”
Devon wraps his arms around her and kisses her mouth to quiet her. “She’s exactly right. I hope you see the truth in that and believe her.” His eyes spark with interest. “You found a pretty dress, huh?”
She nods. “It’s beautiful. Yes. Even on me.” She cringes and Devon gives her a dirty look. It’s hard not to smile. She bites her lip. “I mean, it looks so good on me.”
“Long as you know you could show up at the altar wearing a trash bag with arm cutouts and I’d still say you are the only woman for me. Right?”
I smile and step back as I walk through the door towards the kitchen. A spark in Devon’s eye tells me they need privacy. My heart dips as I walk in and disturb the cook who is busily making desserts for tonight’s usual rush. “Yo, boss, need anything?”
“Nah. Quiet out there right now. I think I’ll tackle some paperwork.” I shake my head, zoning out. My heart is thumping with hurt. Yeah, hurt. I miss the connection with someone. Someone I can call mine. And vice versa. I miss Ireena. Odd as we were to others, we connected from the start and never lost it. I duck into my office and stare with unseeing eyes at my computer screen.
Maybe it is the unconditional love I saw between Devon and Claudia that brought up these sad feelings. Or the surprise mention of Kaeja. A name from the past. The last person I remotely shared that type of unconditional support and connection with. I shake my head, my body tensing as I picture our last time together. Crap. I need to get laid. This discipline of celibacy must have taught me something by now. Right? Maybe now I can decide when and who to have sex with. I can be decent about it. I… crap. There’s no one left to hurt with my actions, is there? I’d really like to believe that.
I am contemplating where to find a woman. It’s been a long time. I’m no longer as young as when I met Ireena, when going out to loud clubs and bars seemed like a good idea. I don’t do that anymore. In the course of my daily life, I hang out at my family’s café with the townspeople I’ve known my entire life. I can’t imagine finding harmless, casual sex in this setting. Other than that, the people I’m exposed to in dealing with Dayshia are off limits too. I don’t see the pediatrician’s assistant or… who else? Babysitters?
I cringe. Ugh. I’ve been there and done that with the ick factor. I don’t intend to anymore. It’s not worth the fallout. It’s pretty awful actually and it almost ruined Ireena and me. We fought hard the first few weeks and months we were together. We disagreed with how the other dealt with all the public scandal and scorn. She thought I cared too much and accused me of kowtowing because I was ashamed of her. I thought she was heartless, almost ruthless at times, and not sorry enough. Yeah, I felt shame. We hurt my identical twin brother. But she saw it as collateral damage to a greater good and wasn’t sorry. The bitter arguments that ensued almost broke us up.
My where-to-get-laid thoughts are set aside when Devon comes to sit down across from me. He fidgets around and clears his throat. It’s rare for my charming, easy-going, gregarious brother to appear so uncomfortable. “Something you need to say?”
Crap. Is this about Kaeja? What Claudia knows about her? I don’t know why Devon would have a problem with it. I mean, it wasn’t my best decision and it could have hurt both Kaeja and me but we stopped in time. That was a year ago, so chewing my ass about it now seems kind of redundant.
“Yeah. We… well, I had an idea and ran it by Claudia. It’s not for Claudia and me, it would be for me and you, if you’re interested.”
“Okay, I’m interested. I certainly don’t get jealous of you and Claudia or feel threatened if she is involved as much as you. She’s marrying you, Devon. She’ll be the other owner of this place.”
Devon frowns. “Crap, you’re right. Should we make it legal that it’s strictly you and I?”
“No. We make her third partner, if you ask me. Her business savvy? Better than yours and mine combined.”
Devon swallows and sighs. “That’s pretty fucking epically good of you.”
“No. It’s not. It’s Claudia. You picked someone other people can trust. I didn’t. Ireena and I would not be sharing anything with anyone else. That’s just how it is.”
Devon nods. “So the thing is: she’ll be the president of Tamasy Industries someday. I have no doubt of that. They’re talking about moving the main corporate offices to the Vancouver location because of tax reasons. It might be cost effective for them to use the Columbia River for imports and exports instead of the Marsdale location. But I can’t guarantee it.”
“Okay…” I try to draw his point along.
“So… there might be a day I’ll have to follow her to Marsdale. I don’t know for sure yet. I want us to stay here, halfway between Vancouver and Silver Springs. I see and hope for a future here, but I also expect her to follow her dreams and shit, since she’s the breadwinner and all, so…” Devon shrugs with a small smile.
“So, you might have to leave someday?”
“Might. But it got me to thinking… what if we franchised the café? You’ve seen the response to this place. It’s huge. It’s great, quality food that people don’t feel guilty about eating, and is reasonable and affordable. Set in a small town as a gathering place, it has the potential to counteract all the online shopping and ordering of food. The last frontier for socializing. A place to gather and get to know your neighbors… that kind of shit. Well, we could start in Marsdale and that would give me something to do. Claudia travels there a lot, you know, and I could go and we’d both be busy.”
I sit back. Frowning in concentration until it’s easy to smile. He’s right. We’re sitting on a gold mine her
e. I never thought that big before. We can support two grown men with a household, just as my mom and Tara did. Tara made more than Ryder did as a cop. My mom supported herself and my dad for years on her café income. My dad was able to go to school and eventually start his practice as an architectural engineer. For decades, he’d been responsible for most of the approved buildings both for business and residents in the Gorge area.
“You’re saying, let’s replicate this place in Marsdale, California because it’s a convenient place for you? Without any real market research to validate its success?”
Devon’s brow furrows. “Well… shit. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking and why. No, I have nothing to support or undermine my idea.”
“Don’t you think you should start there? Figure out the ideal customer profile and find out where that would best be replicated? Sure, look at Marsdale or the surrounding areas first and see what demographic would most respond to our business model. If it’s not there, then look elsewhere. Start with one, and I’ll be behind it.”
Devon shakes his head with a rueful laugh. “Well, I was going to head that way, what with Claudia as a partner, she already listed that and more. I was thinking over the idea and here you two go, dream-busting me. I wondered if you even wanted to discuss it?”
I picture Claudia’s list. “That woman is gold. If she’s involved, I’m in. And I think it would be good for you to have a backup for California if you end up there. But God, I hope you don’t.”
“Honestly? Me too.”
“But you’ll do it?”
“Without hesitation or complaint. She’d do it for me. But her career is more her dream than mine is for me. You know? I can’t take that from her.”
“I agree. Plus, either way the potential for us could be huge. I’m ready for more. Who knew I had the gene for damn ambition inside me? Kind of a new thought. You always did. But yeah… let’s start with considering one at a time. If one flies…”
