Soul to Shepherd

by Linda Lamberson

  “Mmm,” I moaned contentedly.

  “Good,” he said softly in my ear. “Now, I realize you’ve had a lot of trouble adjusting to all of the changes of late—giving up some of your control, having Dylan be my Shepherd, learning to trust Minerva, accepting our help—my help. I also know it’s been difficult for you to allow yourself to have complete faith in us—in me. And I have a theory as to why that is—at least with respect to how these changes have impacted you and me.

  “You see, from the beginning,” Quinn continued, “I’ve had to put all my trust and faith in you—in your very existence. I had no choice but to stand back and accept what you were and why you were here. I had to trust you were making the right decisions for me because you were my Shepherd—that was your job. You were sent here to protect me, and I had to accept that as being your first priority. But for you to do your job and do it well, you had to find enough trust and faith in yourself to believe you were capable of keeping me alive and safe. And I totally get that.

  “But, here’s the thing—you’re not my Shepherd anymore. It’s no longer your sole responsibility to protect me. You have to put trust and faith in others to do that now—and that’s where you’re stuck. You don’t want to let go. You still need to feel like you’re in control—so much so that you’ve kept everyone else in the dark. You’ve acted on your own and done things that have put your safety at risk because you’re scared of letting go of the reins. And I understand that, too.”

  I opened my eyes and shifted myself so I could look at him.

  “But, Evie, things changed radically a week ago when you gave your blood to save me. It made your body so weak that you’ve been forced to physically depend on others. You needed Dylan to save us, and you’ve needed me this week to help you rest and heal. And I think that’s eating you up inside. I think it makes you view yourself as vulnerable and weak, and I think you don’t know what to do about it other than grab whatever control you have left and hold onto it like it’s your last lifeline.”

  I hadn’t really thought about what I was doing or feeling in those terms, but Quinn’s words were hitting home.

  “But you can still be strong without being in complete control of everything. And, whether or not you can see it, being forced to let go of some of that control you’ve been clinging on to has made you a lot stronger. You’ve been pushed to find faith in someone else’s ability to lead, protect, and shoulder some of the burden you’ve been stubbornly holding all on your own. You’re strong enough now to know you’re not alone in this fight.”

  “If that’s so, then why am I still so scared?”

  “Scared of what?”

  I felt a knot form in the back of my throat.

  “Talk to me,” Quinn urged sweetly.

  “Where do I even start?” Tears streaked down my cheeks. “What if something happens to you?” I barely managed to whisper. “What if Dylan can’t protect you? Or Minerva? What if I can’t protect you? What if I can’t get my strength back? Or, what if I do get my strength back and I still can’t save you? … What if I lose you? What happens then?”

  “You don’t think I’m afraid of losing you? Or of what could happen to me? Evie, I’m scared as hell, but I don’t have any other choice but to keep moving forward. None of us do.

  “I can’t tell you what’s going to happen,” he continued. “But I do know if either one of us gives into our fear, we’re not going to make it. We are going to fail. We’ll be so afraid of making a mistake we’ll end up doubting ourselves. We won’t even try to do the right thing because we’ll be paralyzed by fear.”

  “I know you’re right, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop being afraid,” I barely managed.

  “Evie, together, we can find the courage to stop being so scared.”

  “But the stakes are so high,” I whispered.

  “For both of us. But I know with all my heart there is a future for us if we’re willing to fight for it.”

  I looked at my engagement ring and remembered what Quinn had said about his grandmother believing that successful couples had achieved a certain harmony and balance, wherein each partner was permitted to take the lead once in a while. I knew it was Quinn’s turn to lead. I knew I needed to give him the reins and follow him regardless of how scared I was to take this leap of faith.

  “Show me how to fight for us,” I said with renewed hope.

  Quinn took a breath and sighed in relief. “Okay, I know this may seem stupid, but there’s this mental exercise I always do before a meet. Rather than worry about the unknown variables I can’t do anything about, like whether the guys I’m competing against have a new edge and shaved off enough time to beat me, I focus on the positive things I do know. For example, I know my fastest times in any given event. I know my body is trained and ready to go. I know my heart and mind are in the game. I know I won’t give up. And I know I’m going to try my best. Focusing on these things calms me down—it centers me so I’m not a ball of nerves before the gun goes off. So, maybe it’ll help if you try it. Start by focusing on one positive thing you’re absolutely sure of and build from there. Maybe something will click for you.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “I’m sure of my love for you—I’ll always love you.”

  Quinn smiled. “What’s another thing you’re sure of?”

  “Your love for me. I can see it every time I look into your eyes.”

  He smiled again. “And what else?”

  “I know I’ll do anything I can—anything I have to—to keep you safe because your love gives me the strength and determination to keep going. I feel like I can take on anything—or at least try—as long as I have you by my side. But without your love, without you—” Pain shot through my chest and seemed to scorch the very core of my soul. I looked up at him.

  “I’m sure I don’t want a world without you in it. Quinn, I know that without you I’d lose the will to keep going—to keep fighting … for anything.”

  Holy crap. I finally understood what it meant to be true soul mates. I finally realized just how much I needed Quinn. This wasn’t only about how scared I was to lose him or his love. It was also about what would be lost from the fight if Quinn were no longer part of my future.

  In fact, Quinn had been helping me all along. He was such a huge part of who I was. He was my will. He was my sprit. He was my reason for being—my true soul mate. If his soul was destroyed, our connection would be broken forever, and my world would be shattered—as would all my hopes and desires of defeating the Servants. Without Quinn by my side, I doubted I’d care much about anything anymore. And I bet Quinn felt the same way about me.

  “We really can’t do this without each other, can we?” I stated, still coming to grips with just how deep our connection ran.

  Quinn simply flashed me a knowing smile.

  “You knew all this time,” I stated. “How?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “I think we’ve needed each other long before you became my Shepherd—I just figured it out first because my life was placed in your hands. Like I said, I had to have faith in you, regardless of whether I always agreed with you. And, yeah, there was a moment or two when I thought I could demand my own terms and simply walk away and never look back if I didn’t get them, but then I realized it was all or nothing with you, and I wanted to be with you. I needed to be with you.

  “But,” he went on to say, “it was all so different for you. You were learning the ropes of your new existence while having to protect me. You were the one burdened with all of the responsibility. And the only way the playing field was leveled a bit between us was when you gave up being my Shepherd. We still feel like it’s our job to protect one another, but now we’re both doing it because we feel more obligated to each other than to anyone else.

  “And,” he continued, sighing, “I think your feeling so weak these last several days ultimately tipped the scales and allowed you to open yourself up to the idea that our relationship is a lot more give an
d take than you’d realized—especially when it comes to me giving and you taking.”

  “When did you become so smart?” I teased.

  “Oh, I don’t know.” He flashed me a crooked smile. “Maybe it was the day you walked into my life. Or the day you told me you loved me. Or the day you agreed to marry me. ” He cupped my face with both of his hands and looked at me with such love my entire body felt warm. “Evie, if you let me, I’ll help you find the strength to keep fighting for us.”

  “You just did,” I said, smiling. “I love you.” I kissed Quinn and an intoxicating current spread through my entire body. It was beyond exhilarating—beyond arousing. On any other day, a kiss like this would’ve eliminated all need for foreplay. But today was different. This wasn’t a passionate kiss—it was a soulful one.

  A tidal wave of emotions slammed into me, and I wanted to experience each one, including all those I’d locked away out of fear. I wanted to know what I’d been missing. It felt strange and amazing and scary and comforting all at once. I couldn’t be sure if I was floating on air or firmly rooted to the ground. In fact, I didn’t know where my body ended and where Quinn’s began. And my soul felt unbelievably radiant and weightless—and free. Another surge of energy rushed through me, leaving me feeling much stronger—emotionally and physically.

  “Quinn,” I whispered. “Something’s happening.”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Quinn?” I pulled back to look at him and gasped. His aura was a brilliant white—as pure as could be. His eyes were closed and he was swaying slightly. I caught him before he slumped over, guiding his head into my lap. A minute later, Quinn opened his eyes, which were literally sparkling.

  “You’re glowing—big time.” I smiled, thoroughly amused.

  “Yeah, well, so are you.” He smiled in awe.

  I held up my hands. The same white glow that surrounded Quinn enveloped me too. As he slowly brought his hand up to mine, our auras reached out to each other, making contact before we did. I took his hand in mine and our auras swirled around each other in a strange dance. As they did, I could feel the ripples of energy pass though our hands.

  “What the—” he whispered in shock.

  “You can feel that?” I asked bewildered.

  “Yeah, and I can see it too.” He stared deeply into my eyes and grinned. “You’re in trouble now.”

  “Why?” I asked in concern.

  “Because.” His smile widened as he peered into my eyes more intently. “I finally get what you’ve been talking about. It’s like I’m looking into your soul. I know exactly how you’re feeling right now.”

  “And?”

  “And, I think you worry too much.” He chuckled, sweeping me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing and carrying me off to bed. He pinned me down and stared into my eyes for a long moment. “And I feel exactly the same way about you,” he said before kissing me.

  Wanting to test my newfound strength, I swiftly rolled over to trap him beneath me.

  “Whoa,” Quinn said in surprise. “Feeling a bit stronger, are we?”

  “Feeling a lot stronger, actually.” I smiled.

  “Yeah, well, so do I.” He smiled and quickly flipped me onto my back. I tried to maneuver myself on top of him again, but he held me down. He was stronger than ever, almost as strong as I felt now—almost.

  “This should make for a fun evening,” I said playfully, gazing into his smoldering eyes.

  “Yes, it should,” he mused. Just as he lowered his head to kiss me, I managed to flip him over once more and pin his hands above his head, locking them into place with my own.

  “Go ahead and try to get yourself out of this one.” I smiled daringly.

  He chuckled. “This is one challenge I will gladly lose.”

  *

  “So, this is what the bond between true soul mates is all about, huh?” Quinn asked as we lay in bed. He pulled his hand away from mine and watched our auras reach out to each other. It was like they were physical manifestations of the force of our attraction, our love. “Feeling like Hercules, looking like glow sticks …”

  “Apparently.”

  “I can deal with that.” He grinned boyishly.

  “Yeah, I bet you can.” I giggled and then kissed him. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For not giving up. For never losing faith in me—in us. For being right and sticking to your guns when I was just being a stubborn idiot. From now on, I will never question or doubt you when it comes to us. Scouts’ honor.” I held up my fingers as a pledge.

  Quinn just stared at me.

  “What?” I asked innocently, knowing full well I’d just stunned him into silence.

  “Nothing—I mean, it’s not—” He smiled, shaking his head slightly. “Can you repeat that just so I can be sure I heard you correctly?”

  “You heard me just fine,” I said, eyeing him.

  “I can’t be sure,” he said, tickling me. “Maybe if you just repeated the important parts.”

  “Okay, okay!” I cried out as I squirmed and laughed uncontrollably. “I’ll say it again! I promise!”

  He stopped his tickle warfare, and I inhaled deeply to collect myself.

  “Quinn, you were right all along about us. We’re a great team. And I should’ve listened to you sooner. I should’ve had more faith in you—in me—but I guess I needed to discover a few things on my own first. I also realize you’re the only one who could’ve taught me how powerful our connection could be. You’re the one who got us here,” I declared unabashedly, holding my hand near his chest to watch my aura reach out to his.

  “You’re wrong,” Quinn replied, taking my outstretched hand in his. “We got us here.”

  I watched Quinn play with our auras. I knew he was still in awe over being able to literally see our bond. Neither of us could explain exactly what had happened between us. We threw out theory after theory until he drifted off to sleep. It was the first night in a while that Quinn slept peacefully.

  I used the time to ponder the most logical explanation I could think of with respect to what we’d experienced. I thought about it all night long. I knew we’d shared our souls before when we kissed in the Falls after exchanging our vows, but it was nothing compared to what we’d felt this evening. This was a hundred times more concentrated and powerful.

  I’d opened myself up to him. I’d finally let go of my reservations and let myself get drunk on hope, trust, and faith in us. And as a result, everything about Quinn seemed so crystal clear to me now; I felt like I knew him to his core. I understood what he wanted, what was important to him, and why he felt the need to fight for certain things while letting go of others. And he understood me just the same.

  Part of me knew I’d never be alone again. Even if the Council separated us, I knew I’d endure. I’d hate it with every ounce of my being, but as long as Quinn was safe, as long as the bond between us stayed intact, I’d manage until we found each other again. And we would find each other again—of that much I was sure. But if the Servants destroyed Quinn’s soul, if they ruined the very core of the one person I loved more than anyone else, it’d devastate me beyond the point of recovery—of that I was sure as well.

  *

  “You were wrong, you know,” I teased Quinn the next morning when he woke up. I was standing in the doorway. With my renewed energy, I was too restless to stay in bed.

  “What do you mean?” he asked in concern.

  “You promised last night would be just like every other one up here.”

  “Nothing bad happened,” he said defensively.

  “No, but something did.”

  “An unexpectedly good thing, I hope,” he said with narrowed eyes, wondering where I was going with this.

  “I’d say.” I grinned. “I’m back to my full strength. And you. Well, your show of strength last night was very impressive.” I raised my eyebrows and smiled even wider.

  “I still feel pretty strong, actually,” h
e mused as he extended his arms and flexed, admiring his triceps. “But the glow—” He examined his skin more closely and then, me. “It’s faded.”

  “It’s still there,” I reassured him. “It’s just too faint for the human eye to see,” I taunted, raising my brows again.

  “Oh, so even though I may have a few superpowers now, you’re still the ultimate superhero. What else is new?” he whined jokingly.

  “You could probably grind a two-by-four into sawdust with your bare hands and you’re complaining? Really?”

  “Well, I was hoping to see through walls, but I guess I can live without that one,” he replied, pretending to be miffed.

  I laughed. “You know, that was the one other thing I’d hoped for when I first became a Shepherd, but that’s not on our menu of superpowers.”

  “Figures. I’ve always wanted X-ray vision and, even now, I can’t get it.”

  “Trying to see through all the girls’ clothes?” I teased.

  “Nah, I’d be too busy trying to see through yours all the time.” He flashed that million-dollar smile of his.

  “Smart answer,” I replied, eyeing him suspiciously. “I was just about to see if this place came with a dog house.”

  “Hey, I aim to please.” Quinn chuckled. “So, did you figure out what’s with the soul steroids and glow-in-the-dark pixie dust while I was sleeping?”

  “Sort of. I’m pretty sure our souls bonded last night. I mean, I think they’d started to before. Remember? When I kissed you after our vows at the Falls? But last night must’ve sealed the deal. And, after performing a few experiments of my own while you were asleep,” I continued, “I think I’m getting a hang of how the new us works.”

  “A few experiments, huh?” Quinn raised his eyebrows and looked at me uncertainly, which only made me smile.

  “I walked over to the bed, leaned over, and kissed Quinn. He was more than willing to return my gesture. It didn’t take long before we were both getting worked up.

  “If this is how the ‘new us’ works, I like it—a lot,” he said in between kisses. “But I’m not really seeing how it differs much from the ‘old us.’”