Soul to Shepherd

by Linda Lamberson

  I heard the birds chirping, welcoming the new day as the first rays of light warmed the Earth. I closed my eyes and felt the sunrise instead of watching it, desperately wishing I could soak up even the tiniest bit of hope and promise the new day offered. I heard the peaceful lull of the water rhythmically lapping up onto the sandy shore. Only when I could feel the sun’s light shining on my entire body, did I open my eyes and look at the huge ball of light hovering just above the horizon.

  The full moon was gone. Quinn was gone. I hoped I’d be able to make sense of all of this someday, but right now ‘someday’ seemed an eternity away. Tears streaked down my face.

  When I caught sight of the first walkers a couple miles down the shoreline, I returned to the house to find my mother making coffee while my father watched the morning news in the family room off the kitchen. I missed them so much. I needed them.

  I knew I shouldn’t, but I walked up behind my mother. I phased in just enough to catch a whiff of the freshly brewed coffee. Instantly, she froze, letting go of the mug she was holding.

  “Beth, everything okay in there?” my dad called out from the family room upon hearing the mug crash onto the floor.

  “Evie?” she barely whispered as she gripped the counter with both hands for support. “Evie, is that you?” Tears were brimming in her eyes. Of course she knew it was me; she was my mother.

  I placed one of my hands on top of hers momentarily. She felt me, but she couldn’t see me.

  “Oh my God,” she gasped as tears rolled down her cheeks. She took a deep breath and turned around, searching for me. “Mike! Come here!” she called out. “It’s Evie! She’s here!”

  My dad came flying into the room. I’m sure he had no idea what to expect, but he looked disappointed and confused when he didn’t see me.

  “Beth,” he said in a concerned voice.

  “She—she’s here,” my mom insisted. “I felt her, Mike. I felt her.” My mother was smiling and crying at the same time.

  Justice was barking excitedly and spinning around in place. It was like he was saying, “I’ve been trying to tell you this all along!”

  “Beth, I know things have been rough, but I don’t think it’s very healthy for you to go down this road.” I could hear the distress in my dad’s voice.

  “Mike, I promise you. I’m telling you the truth. How can you not feel her here with us?”

  My dad stopped and looked around. There was no point in letting him think my mom had gone nuts. There was no point in denying him the small gift I’d just bestowed upon her—if that’s what it was. I knew this was forbidden. I knew this could backfire and send them reeling backwards in the healing process instead of moving forward, but I’d already crossed the line and it was too late to turn back.

  I walked over to my dad and phased in just enough to put my hand on his arm. It was a whisper of a touch, but the emotional effect impact was huge. He started trembling, and his eyes glistened with tears. Speechless, he just smiled at my mom, who was still beaming from ear to ear.

  I bent down and pet Justice, who began doing all of the tricks I taught him—tricks my parents must’ve wondered how he’d learned. They looked at each other and smiled, realizing that I’d been there before.

  I stood up and walked in front of the wall of windows in the kitchen. I phased into view enough for them to see me. I was barely visible to anyone who wasn’t looking—but my parents were looking, and they saw me. They gasped in awe. Justice barked excitedly and ran to my side.

  “Evie,” my dad whispered.

  “Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom,” I greeted them. “I don’t have much time. I shouldn’t even be doing this, but I never was very good at following the rules, was I?” I joked. My mom chuckled slightly and clasped her hands over her mouth.

  “Thank you for being there for me during my life—and since,” I continued. “I want you to know I’m fine. I help people now—or, at least, I try my best anyway. And I have friends. We look out for each other. You’d like them.” I smiled. “So, please, don’t be sad for me anymore.”

  “Evie, we’re your parents. We miss you. We’ll always be sad you’re not with us,” my mom managed.

  “I know.” I smiled. “But, hopefully, now you can be a little less sad.” I took a deep breath. “This will be my last visit here. It has to be. I realize now you can’t move on if I keep coming back—you can’t let me go until I let go of you.”

  I bent down and pet Justice behind the ears. “You take good care of my parents, got it, buddy? They need you.” The dog barked and spun around in another circle.

  “Evie, please stay,” my mom begged.

  “I really wish I could, but that’s not my destiny. And it’s not yours.” I sighed. “I want you to find happiness again—together. Believe it or not, I did,” I said, fighting back the tears. The last thing I wanted was for my parents to think I was hurting.

  “And just know I’ll always love you.” I phased into my full form and walked over to them, kissing each of my parents on the cheek. Both my mom and dad raised their hands and touched the spot where I’d made contact with them again. Then my dad grabbed me and gave me a huge hug. My mom joined in, and I embraced them both.

  “We love you so much, pumpkin,” my dad said, crying.

  “So, so much,” my mom added.

  “I know,” I managed, choking back the tears. After a minute, I took a step back and smiled. “And I’ll love you both—for eternity.” I hugged them again. “Take care of each other, okay?”

  They both nodded.

  “You take good care of yourself, too, okay?” my mom added.

  “Okay,” I agreed with a slight nod. I saw Justice, now sitting at my parents’ feet. “Bye, buddy.” I looked up at my parents staring at me in awe. “Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.”

  “Bye, pumpkin,” my dad said, choking up.

  “Bye, sweetheart,” my mom managed.

  I waved as I phased out of view and left.

  *

  I spent the rest of the day on the beach, sitting invisibly in the thick dune grass as I watched families frolic in the water. To them, it was just another beautiful summer day. To me, it was the first day of my own “private hell,” as Peter had called it.

  The beach cleared, and I phased into view to watch the sun dip below the horizon. It was my favorite time of day—or at least it used to be. I no longer had a favorite anything anymore.

  “I almost forgot how beautiful a real sunset could be,” a familiar voice called out behind me.

  I turned around and saw Tara not five feet from me.

  “Council Member Tara!” I exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing down here?”

  “Looking for you.”

  “Oh,” I replied, somewhat confused. “Sergei too busy to fetch me?” I asked snidely. I was so not in the mood to be lectured for whatever mistakes and errors in judgment she thought I’d recently made.

  “I preferred to deliver this news to you personally without the interference of hundreds of curious minds.” She sat down beside me in the sand.

  “What news?” I asked.

  “You are going to be a mentor,” she announced with pride.

  “Oh, um, I really don’t—I’m not sure I’m the right person,” I was stumbling over my words. “I mean, you know how I am at following rules—and besides, I don’t think I’m the best cheerleader for our team right now.”

  “I’m not asking you to be a cheerleader, Eve, just a pragmatist. You can offer a unique perspective about the obstacles and hardships one must face as a Shepherd. Your experiences undoubtedly will provide invaluable insight when training young, green recruits.”

  “I’m sure Dylan can offer the same perspective,” I replied.

  “Indeed, but I’m not convinced he’s the best match for this particular case. Besides, the Order has requested that you personally mentor this new recruit, so the matter is out of my hands.”

  Great, I sighed heavily to myself. Images of Peter introducing hims
elf as my mentor filled my head, making me shudder. I’d never been so wrong about someone.

  “Did you know Peter survived the explosion in Amsterdam?” I asked soberly.

  “Not right away but, yes,” she replied.

  “Did you know he was a traitor?” I heard the bitter edge of my own voice.

  “It is not that simple, Eve.”

  “Funny, that’s what he said right after he kidnapped me.”

  “Peter has had to make some very difficult choices in the past. He has had to walk a fine line between what is morally right and what he is implicitly bound to do.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Peter was not the traitor you think he was, Eve.” Tara sighed. “A long time ago, when Peter confessed he had been doing ‘favors’ for the Servants, initially to save his charge and eventually to save himself, the Order saw an opportunity. Peter was given a ‘choice’ to either lose his immortality or continue his arrangement with the Servants. Since Peter had developed the unique ability to lie—” She paused as my eyes and mouth shot wide open.

  “Yes, I knew about that,” she answered my silent question. “Peter’s unique talent afforded him the ability to feed Mathius false information about us while being able to covertly gather information about the Servants, including that about Mathius, his right-hand men, his plans—even his strengths and weaknesses.”

  “Holy crap, he was a spy!” I exclaimed in shock. “Peter was your source.” Surprise began to give way to guilt as I realized I really had been wrong about him—in the worst way.

  “Yes, but it cost Peter dearly. It scarred his soul and made him vulnerable to lapses in good judgment.” She looked at me and frowned. “I will admit he has certainly made some mistakes, but his heart told him it was for the right reasons. In the end, he sought to protect you at all costs—he still does.”

  “‘Still’?” I asked aloud. “He wasn’t destroyed last night?”

  “No. Just incredibly weakened after saving you.”

  “Where is he?”

  “In hiding. Tartuf is tending to him until we can figure out what his next step should be.”

  “I—I can’t believe it. I had no idea.”

  “Very few did. It had to remain a secret in order to protect him.”

  “Will I ever see him again?” My voice was trembling as I struggled to come to grips with how much Peter had sacrificed for all of us.

  “Quite frankly, I don’t know. Peter is a hunted soul. The Servants will stop at nothing to get their revenge for his betrayal,” Tara added in a grave voice.

  “Well,” she said, inhaling deeply. “Enough about that. You have your own full plate to deal with. And I can assure you that your new mentee will be quite a challenge. From what I have observed, he’s as stubborn and headstrong as you.” Tara was holding out a brown file folder. “Go ahead,” she urged. I could swear she was fighting back a grin.

  Déjà vu hit me, and I was reminded of the last time I’d been given an assignment. My hands began to tremble as I took the folder. Could it be?

  26. ever after

  I’d waited three Mora days for Quinn to “wake up.” And of all the places he could’ve chosen as his mental safe haven to help him transition into the afterlife, he’d created the illusion of the Falls. I was reminded of the first time I saw him after being reassigned as his Shepherd. I remembered how nervous I’d felt then, but I wasn’t nervous now. I was full of joy, relief, and love. My soul was singing.

  “Hey, stranger,” I called out softly when I spotted him sitting at the water’s edge, his back to me.

  Quinn turned around to look at me. “Am I dreaming?” he asked cautiously.

  “No.” I couldn’t help but smile as I walked over to the water’s edge and sat down next to him. I was careful not to touch him yet. His mind was racing with question after question, and I could now hear every single one of them. I remembered feeling just as confused and anxious when I made my transition into the afterlife. I knew Quinn was going to have to decide for himself this wasn’t all just a delusion. He’d have to make the first move for his mind to be able to accept the transition.

  “But, the last thing I remember was being in your arms and—”

  “And?” I prodded optimistically, following his thoughts as he connected the dots.

  “And,” Quinn replied, struggling to get his bearings, “now, I’m here in the Falls—with you sitting next to me.”

  “It would appear so.” I was on the edge of my seat, mentally crossing my fingers, hoping Quinn would figure this out on his own so the transition to immortality would be easier on him.

  “Are you going to let me in on the big secret?” Curiosity sparked in his eyes.

  “First, tell me more about what you remember.”

  He looked off into the water. “Well, I was on the ground, in your arms—I’m not sure, but I think I was hurt pretty badly.” He paused and then zeroed back in on me with wide eyes. Something had clicked. “I was—I was dying.” He averted his gaze away from me and back over the water’s surface. “I—I didn’t survive the night of the ritual, did I?”

  “No,” I replied, shaking my head.

  “But, you did.”

  I nodded.

  Quinn seemed to sigh in relief. “So, what is this? Heaven?”

  “No,” I replied.

  “Well, if you’re here then I know I can’t be in Hell, unless—” Quinn reached out to touch me, but pulled his hand back before making contact. He was still shell shocked from the separation of his mind from his body, grappling with what was real and what wasn’t.

  “I promise I’m not a delusion,” I assured him, fighting back a smile. “Quinn,” I continued, taking a deep breath. “You were chosen to become a Shepherd.”

  “A Shepherd,” he repeated slowly. “Is this some sort of prank?”

  “No,” I affirmed. “When you—when your body gave out, I thought it was over. I thought even if I searched high and low to find your soul, I’d never see you again. Your soul would be bound to some stranger’s body with a different face, a different personality. The very thought of it was enough to crush me, but then Tara told me the Order had chosen you. Quinn, you’re one of us now,” I announced, trying to restrain my enthusiasm.

  “A Shepherd.” His mind was deep in thought, processing what I’d just told him. He turned to watch the water cascading over the rocks. “So, what happens now?” he hesitantly asked a few minutes later.

  “Now, you take this one step at a time, with me by your side.” I offered Quinn my hand.

  “So, we can be together?” he asked guardedly, looking at my outstretched hand but not yet ready to take it.

  “You’re stuck with me for a long, long time.” I smiled, and a crooked little grin appeared on his face.

  “And Dylan and Minerva?” he asked. “Are they okay?”

  “No worse for wear.” I shrugged slightly. “From what I’ve heard, Minerva’s got Dylan on recovery lockdown, so no one has seen either of them for days. Not such a bad idea if you ask me.” I winked at him playfully.

  “I bet he’s loving every minute of it,” he joked uncertainly. He looked down at my outstretched hand again. “So, this is all real?”

  “As real as I am.”

  “I really died?”

  I answered his question with a nod of my head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Wow.” He turned back to face the cascading water.

  “Quinn, I realize this is a lot to take in, but you’ll get through this. I’ll help you.” I tried to sound as encouraging as I could. “Hey, if I could do this, then you definitely can.”

  “Are—are you going to erase my memory again? Am I going to forget my past?” Quinn asked in concern.

  “No,” I replied. “It’s too great a risk to erase a mind twice, so you get to remember your life, but you don’t get to live it anymore. School, your friends, your family—you’re going to have to learn to let them all go.”

  “Oh,”
he said blankly. A tortured expression appeared on his face. “And my parents? What do they think happened to me?”

  “They think you were killed in the explosion.”

  He nodded sadly. “And Brady?”

  “As far as they’re concerned, he’s still off in Vegas somewhere.”

  “Is he still—?”

  “A Servant? Yes, as far as I know.”

  He sighed heavily. “How is the rest of my family dealing with my—with me being gone?”

  “They’re doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.”

  “In other words, they’re a complete train wreck.” He shook his head and sighed once more. This time, I was the one averting my eyes, not wanting him to see the truth of his statement behind them.

  “So, can I ever see them again?” he asked.

  “Officially, I’m supposed to tell you ‘no.’ Unofficially, I say let’s give them some time to heal before you start haunting them.”

  He nodded slowly.

  “Look, keeping your memory means exceptions must be made—everyone knows that. And you know I like nothing more than finding exceptions to the Rules.” I winked. “I promise, we’ll figure out some way for you to see your parents, your family, okay? Maybe we can even find a way for you to talk to them, to say goodbye, when the time is right. Until then, I’ll go check on them whenever you want me to.”

  “Thanks,” he said soberly. “So, how did this happen? Why was I chosen?”

  “Why? Well, I think Ronald put in a good word for you. Like you said, we fascinate him, and I don’t think he was ready for our story to end. As to how—you became eligible the night the ritual took place,” I replied.

  “But the Servants weren’t responsible for my death.”

  “Actually, they were—indirectly. The energy, the power, you absorbed from Minerva was theirs, and that energy was too much for your mortal body to handle.”

  “Damn demon juice,” he quipped, knowing, for better or worse, that the “juice” was the very reason he was sitting here with me now.