“Trevor, please. I’ll admit I didn’t say Roger was a man, but only because I didn’t think of it. He’s just a friend. If I was sneaking around, would we have gone somewhere public?”
“Certainly. You didn’t expect me to be there.” He turned away, not wanting her to read his agony. “Dammit, Dana, I was out with my parents. How do you think this made them feel? What are they supposed to think?” He held up his hand. “Stupid question. I take it back. They’re supposed to think the truth. That you don’t give a damn about me or what’s going on here.”
She sank onto the sofa and bowed her head. “That’s not true. I do care. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about Roger, but I swear it was just an accident. I’m not interested in him. There’s nothing going on. He’s happily married to a terrific woman. They’ve got three kids and are madly in love.” She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. “He said to call him if you didn’t believe me. He’ll tell you. You can even call his wife. He doesn’t have anything to hide and I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ll admit to poor judgment, but not to anything premeditated.”
“So if you didn’t plan to make a fool of me everything is fine?” His voice vibrated with fury.
Dana flinched. “Why aren’t you listening? Roger is in town on business. He called and asked me to dinner. One of the reasons I went is that he’s easy to talk to. I thought he could be a sounding board for me. I happen to have some confusing things going on in my personal life right now. I wanted to get his advice on you, Trevor. You are who we were talking about. I told him how wonderful you are and how I’m not sure...” Her voice trailed off. She sucked in a breath. “How I’m not sure about anything.”
The pain had reached an unbearable pitch. He knew from past experience it would level out there for a few days, then crank down just enough to let him survive. In his head he even knew that in time it would stop hurting altogether. He might never trust again, but the gaping wound would eventually scar over. Yet in his heart he knew he would hurt forever. Because there had been something special about Dana. He’d loved her...he was such a jackass, he probably still did.
She straightened. “Trevor, this is probably not going to make sense to you, but I swear it’s the truth. I really like you and I like being with you, but sometimes it’s hard for me. You’re so successful and so handsome. All these women want you and they say things. I get confused. I thought Roger could help me with that. I wanted to talk about the rumors, about how people made them up. They weren’t about you at all.”
The click was audible. Trevor wondered why he hadn’t heard it before. Everything fell into place. “Exactly,” he said.
“What?”
“It wasn’t about me. Why didn’t I see that before?”
“I—I don’t understand.”
He folded his arms over his chest. “None of this was ever about me. This so-called relationship was just a reaction to the hype.”
“No. That’s not what I mean,” she told him. “I’m not sure I understand exactly what you’re saying, but I think you’re telling me I was only interested in what other people thought That’s not completely true. I had trouble because of what the nurses were saying. That they were going out with you and sleeping with you. But I believe you now.”
“Gee, thanks. I guess that makes everything better.”
His sarcasm made her shudder. “Trevor, don’t do this. Don’t shut me out”
“What choice do I have? I was taken in by you. I believed you. I believed in us. I thought you wanted what I did. That this mattered.” He turned toward her. “I suppose there’s a certain justice in all this. I was trying like crazy to prove myself to you, while you were just having fun. You treated me the way you assumed I treated women. For the moment, for the pleasure, with no regard for the future or any feelings on either side. At least there weren’t any on your side.”
She sprang to her feet. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? Can you look me in the eye and tell me you care?”
She glared at him. “Yes.”
“How much?”
Her mouth opened, but she didn’t speak.
“Love?” he asked. “Do you love me? Or is ‘like’ better? Keeping with words starting with the letter l let’s just cut to the chase. Lust That’s what this is about. You wanted me in bed—nothing more. Little more. If I’d been the bastard everyone assumes, I would have had this coming. But I’m just a guy, Dana. No better, no worse than anyone else. I didn’t deserve this. And you sure as hell didn’t deserve me.”
Tears filled her eyes. He braced himself so he wouldn’t react She reached out a hand to him. They were half a room apart, so he didn’t have to worry about her actually touching him. He could stay strong as long as she didn’t get too close.
“It wasn’t ever like that,” she whispered. “I do like you.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“How can you not? It’s true.”
“Gee, Dana, you’re telling the truth and someone is doubting your word. Now you know what that feels like. Not much fun, is it?” He walked to the front door and put his hand on the knob. “I’ll give you that you might have had some feelings for me, but I’m willing to bet you never once thought about letting yourself fall in love with me. If anything, you saw that as something to be avoided.”
Her mouth parted. The guilt made her turn away. Even though he’d known the truth, he was still disappointed to read it on her face. He’d hoped for more.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Tears spilled over her lower lids. “I’m so sorry.”
“That’s not good enough. I’d wanted more than this from you. From both of us. I thought—” He opened the door. “I won’t bother boring you with what I’d thought.”
“Trevor, please.”
She crossed to him and placed her hand on his arm. The tears continued to fall. She was beautiful. How was he supposed to resist her?
“Forgive me.”
“I can forgive, but I can’t trust you. You still don’t see me as a person, and until you do, there’s just no point.” He pulled free of her touch. “The hell of it is I thought you were the one. Like an idiot, I went ahead and fell in love with you. I’d even planned on asking you to marry me. But you’ve shown me the error of my ways. This wasn’t a give-and-take relationship. You weren’t interested in anything but using me up and moving on. All this time, I’ve been in love alone. I guess I should have seen that Sorry to make this awkward. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you again.”
Dana stared at him. His features blurred. She knew it was from the tears, but a part of her believed it was because he was already fading from her life. He’d loved her? He’d wanted to marry her? This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible. She’d lost him and she hadn’t even known she’d had him.
She wanted to beg him to reconsider. To give her another chance. Yet she’d done nothing to deserve him the first time, so how could she expect him to ever trust her again? She was all he’d said she was.
“I didn’t mean...”
Her voice trailed off. There was nothing left to say.
She crossed to her town house and let herself inside. Although the sun had long since set, she didn’t bother with the lights. Instead, she walked to the common wall at the back of her living room and placed her hand flat against the cool plaster.
“Oh, T-Trevor,” she murmured as a sob caught in her throat.
She’d been such an incredible fool. She’d never bothered to look past her stupid misconceptions and her pride. She’d assumed the worst about him and had acted accordingly. Everything Trevor said was true. She was spiteful and shallow, and she had treated him with exactly the same disdain she’d assumed he used in his personal life. How many times had she told herself and her friends that this wasn’t serious? That she was just practicing for a “real” relationship? How many times had she deliberately held back her feelings so that she wouldn’t get too involved?
S
he’d never once thought about his feelings or what he might want. She’d blindly gone through the motions, taking instead of giving, assuming the worst instead of allowing him a chance, making him live up to her standards without bothering to inquire about his. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t fall in love with him because he wasn’t worth the risk. But she was the unworthy one. She was the flawed character, while he was the prize.
To her, he’d been little more than a caricature, not a flesh-and-blood man who could feel and be hurt. She’d never thought he could love anyone...not even her.
She sank to the carpet and rested her forehead against her knees. The shame poured over her, accompanied by regret and a sense of loss. To have come so close to everything she’d ever wanted and to have lost it because she was a thoughtless, self-centered idiot. How could she have acted that way? When had she become so incredibly shallow that she thought she had the right to judge others based on her unfounded assumptions?
There were no answers, no comfort of any kind. Perhaps if she had given her all, it would have been easier to accept her defeat, but she’d never bothered to try. She’d simply taken without thought, had blindly ignored the possibilities and the man. She’d betrayed him in the most soul-destroying way possible. Not by having dinner with Roger, but by taking his affection and his body without giving a moment’s thought to the man inside.
He’d loved her and she hadn’t bothered to notice. She’d been too sure she was right about everything. She’d never even realized she was falling for him, as well. Roger had been right. She did love Trevor. And now he was gone.
Chapter Sixteen
“You look terrible,” Lee said bluntly.
Dana had done her best to avoid glancing at herself in the mirror that morning, but she’d seen enough to know Lee was actually being kind. She looked a lot worse than terrible; she looked as if she’d been emotionally beaten up, then left for roadkill. If any of that was true, she had only herself to blame.
“I know.” Dana shrugged. “I feel worse than I look, which is kind of scary.”
Katie moved close to her in the round booth they had in the back of Granetti’s and put her arm around her. “Dana, I knew something was wrong from the sound of your voice when you called. You have to tell us what’s going on. We’re your friends. We love you and we want to help.”
“I know.” Dana cleared her throat. It wasn’t just that she was fighting tears. Everything hurt. Her entire body felt as if it had been flattened by a steamroller. She couldn’t eat, hadn’t slept in a couple of days. Basically she was a wreck, and the situation didn’t show any signs of getting better. “I figure I can hang on for about three more days, then I’ll start making mistakes at work. I just wish there were something I could do.”
Katie and Lee exchanged confused glances. Lee leaned forward. “While acting mysterious is, I’m sure, entertaining for you, we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on. Come on, Dana. Spill it.”
“There’s nothing you guys can do. I made all the mistakes. I suppose that’s what’s so incredibly disheartening. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I was even proud of my actions. I thought I was so smart. I—” She felt the tears start to form. While she was at the hospital, it was relatively easy to maintain control, but here, among friends, she found herself weakening.
“Trevor and I aren’t going out anymore,” she said, then wiped her face.
“You broke up?” Katie asked.
“Sort of. I thought...” She covered her face with her hands and tried to get control. After taking a couple of deep breaths, she straightened and looked at her friends. “The truth is, I wasn’t thinking.” She told them what had happened, starting with her desire to make sure she didn’t get too emotionally involved, then ending up with the dinner with Roger and the resulting discussion with Trevor.
“‘Discussion’ isn’t the right word,” she admitted when she’d finished. “I don’t know what else to call it, though. We didn’t fight. He told me what he thought of me, and there was nothing I could say to change his mind. I feel like such a fool. How could I have been so blind? Worse, how could I have acted like that? I never thought of myself as cruel and shallow, but with him, I was both those things.”
“Is that really what’s bothering you?” Lee asked.
“I don’t understand.”
Katie glanced at Lee and nodded. “What she’s asking is, are you the most concerned about finding out you have some negative qualities? Is that the most upsetting part of this situation?”
Dana realized the point her friends were trying to make. She thought about the past three days, how she hadn’t been able to sleep or eat. She felt as if she were living in a void, where time and space had no meaning. She went through the motions of her job, talking to people when necessary, functioning, but not really alive.
“I’m not happy with what I’ve learned about myself,” she said slowly. “Obviously I would like to be a better person. But that’s not causing me the real pain. I’m hurting because I lost a chance with a wonderful man. Trevor is all I’ve ever dreamed about. It never occurred to me he would be interested in me, so I didn’t take him seriously.”
Dana paused, then winced. “No, wait. I’m done lying to myself, too. I did think it was unlikely Trevor would be interested in me, but that’s not the real reason I held back. I was afraid. I didn’t want to love him, because he was too close to perfect for me. If I gave with my whole heart and then lost him, I wasn’t sure I would survive. I watched my mother all those years. Life passed her by while she waited to be rescued. Several kind, loving decent men wanted to marry her, but she wouldn’t have them. She had her ideal and nothing was going to stand in the way of that. Maybe she was right to wait, but I think she took an awful risk. She could have been alone forever. I didn’t want that for myself. I wasn’t willing to hold out for a fantasy. I wanted someone genuine.”
“So when the fantasy came along, you couldn’t let yourself trust in him,” Lee said.
“I guess.” Dana tucked her hair behind her ears. “I can’t believe it hurts this much. I had him and I didn’t even know. I let him slip between my fingers because of pride. Because I wouldn’t believe in him or me.”
Katie looked at her. “I keep hearing you say that you lost him and didn’t know you had him. I understand that’s painful, but I’m not sure that it really matters. You’re talking about saving face, Dana, not a broken heart. You haven’t said one word about loving him.”
Dana knew her friend was right. “I’m afraid,” she whispered. “Admitting that will make it worse.”
“Admitting that is the only way to get what you want.” Lee leaned forward and rested her arms on the table. “Nothing you’ve described is irreversible. Of course Trevor is angry and hurt, but the bottom line is he wasn’t exactly forthcoming with his feelings, either. He never told you he loved you or was thinking about proposing. You were both guilty of hiding what you felt, because you were afraid. Okay, you were wrong in how you acted. You’ve accepted that and you’ve learned from your mistake. Next time you won’t be so quick to judge him.”
“It’s not that simple,” Dana said, wishing it could be. If only there were a way to convince Trevor of her feelings.
“You’re making it more complicated than it needs to be,” Lee told her.
“Lee’s right,” Katie said. “Look at what Trevor objected to. That you held back and never planned on getting serious about him. What if he found out that wasn’t true anymore?”
“How?”
“You didn’t want anyone to know you two were going out,” Lee said. “You were afraid of the gossip and what people would say when it ended, right?”
Dana nodded.
“So, start the rumors that you two are an item. Let them get back to Trevor. Let people know how you feel about him. Be proud of him. Be excited about having him in your life. You’ve wounded his male pride in a huge way, but I don’t think you’ve changed what is in his heart. If
you have, then it’s better to know that now, before you get more involved.”
“Good point,” Katie said. “If this was enough to make him fall out of love with you, then good riddance to him. Otherwise start mending fences. Admit you were horrible to him and tell him why. Tell him you were afraid. He’ll understand, Dana. He’s a good man. He’s worth fighting for.”
Their advice washed over her, taking the sting out of the worst of the wounds and giving her hope. Maybe there was still hope. If she could show Trevor that she wasn’t afraid to fight for him, that she desperately wanted him, he might be willing to give her a second chance.
“I have to try,” she said slowly, still formulating plans in her mind. “If I don’t, I’ll regret this for the rest of my life. I love him. I won’t just let him go.”
*
While talking with her friends didn’t take away the gaping hole in her chest, Dana felt more in control when she returned to her office after lunch. She didn’t have a plan yet, but she wasn’t going to give up without a fight. She was a hundred percent responsible for Trevor’s reaction to all that had happened, so it was up to her to fix it. If only she knew exactly how to make him believe in her again.
Before she could outline a few strategies, Sally and Melba walked into her office. The three women discussed a few scheduling issues, then Sally leaned back in her chair and sighed dramatically.
“This has been the best week of my life,” she said. “For the past six days, Trevor and I have been together constantly.”
Dana glanced from one of her nurses to the other. It was now or never. “No, you haven’t.”
Sally grinned. “I don’t mean work. Of course he’s been here and at his office. But other than that...” Her voice trailed off and she raised her eyebrows suggestively.
“I’m not talking about work, either. The six previous days include the weekend, which Trevor spent with me. And I do mean with me. In fact, he was at my place for most of it. We went to a movie, so that got us out of the house, but aside from that, it was just him and me, alone. Three nights ago he was having dinner with his parents.” She had to be careful about that one. Three nights ago, her world had come crashing down around her. If she thought about it too much, she might lose control.
Prince Charming, M.D. Page 20
