“Sonya, no,” Vivian advised.
“No, what? She needs to have kids of her own before she goes telling me how to raise mine.”
I don’t know if Sonya forgot about Kellie’s possible inability to have kids, or she just didn’t care. Either way, her saying this made this squabble a lot worse.
Kellie dropped her head as her eyes filled with tears, and Victor came to his sister’s rescue.
“Okay, Sonya. You’ve taken this too far now. You know what my sister is dealing with, and you didn’t have to say that,” Victor said, wrapping his arm around Kellie’s shoulders.
“She didn’t have to bring Meena into this conversation. You don’t talk about somebody’s child,” Sonya argued.
“Did you even listen to what she said? She wasn’t talking about Meena. She was talking for Meena,” Victor informed.
Those words caused Sonya to think twice. She literally stood motionless as she allowed his words to filter through her mind. Hell, we all did. I could appreciate Victor’s way of saying this to my friend because it did make her stop and listen.
“My sister would never say anything negative about Meena, and you know it. She loves that girl like a sister. That’s why she wanted her to stay last night, so she could see where her head was at.”
Sonya stepped back from Vivian who was still blocking her path, and we watched as Sonya settled down on the sofa. She seemed taken aback, like she knew she handled this situation wrong, or at least that was what I was hoping. Her lips didn’t part, which was a clear sign, as she allowed Victor to continue.
“Not only was Kellie being a friend to Meena, she was also being a friend to you by being there for your daughter. But you couldn’t see that. All you heard was her bringing your daughter into this conversation, and you couldn’t do anything but become defensive. My sister knows you are trying to be the best mom you can be. But she also knows some things you can do to improve communication with Meena, that’s all. Your daughter is beautiful and smart. But she’s also lonely, Sonya. But I don’t think you needed me to tell you that,” Victor finished.
I almost gave that man a round of applause. He spoke truth with compassion, and that was what was missing when Sonya and Kellie were going back and forth with each other. He definitely accomplished a miracle, and that was shutting Sonya down but in a respectful way.
“Umm,” Kellie said, clearing her throat. “I think it’s time for me to leave.” She looked up at Victor who still had her in his embrace, and he nodded.
“Kellie, please. You don’t have to leave,” Vivian urged.
“It’s evident Sonya feels some kind of way about me. I’m not sure why, but it has definitely become clear to me today that she really hasn’t been a friend of mine.”
“That’s not true,” I said, looking at Sonya to fix this, or at least say she was Kellie’s friend. All she had to say was she was sorry and that could possibly fix this, but Sonya sat there and didn’t say anything. Now, she was pissing me off.
“Sonya, say something,” I urged. We all stared at her to say something, but she kept her lips sealed.
Removing herself from Victor’s embrace, Kellie walked over and picked up her purse, saying, “Vivian, thank you for inviting me to your beautiful home. I’m sorry all of this happened.”
I could tell Victor wasn’t ready to go, but his loyalty lay with his sister, and I loved that about him. He gulped down the last of his wine and followed Kellie out of Vivian’s home.
Seeming unfazed about Kellie leaving, Sonya picked up her wineglass, took a sip from it and leaned back like things were cool. I eyed Vivian, who looked just as confused as I was. I didn’t know if this was a sign to keep quiet about what I wanted to say, but it was evident today was not going to be the day for me to say anything, and I had Sonya to thank for that.
Sonya
32
I was boiling inside. The nerve of Kellie thinking she could tell me how to raise my daughter when she wasn’t even a mother to start with. Not saying she couldn’t give me advice, but why wait until we have a disagreement to bring it up. If she was any type of friend like she claimed to be, she would have talked to me about Meena way before now instead of waiting to use my daughter against me. And that’s why I kept my mouth shut. I really wasn’t worried about how she felt or her damn tears right now.
“Sonya, really?” Monica asked furiously.
“Did you hear the things Kellie said?”
“Did you hear the things that Victor said? What? Did that go complete over your head?”
“I heard what he said.”
“And that didn’t warrant a response?”
“What was I supposed to say?” I asked with frustration.
“How about ‘I’m sorry’?” Monica shot back.
“This was not my fault,” she retorted. “Vivian, you are neutral to this. Do you feel like this was my fault?”
Vivian looked back and forth between the two of us before answering with a “Yes. I felt like you started this.”
“How?”
Vivian sat down, sighing before saying, “By talking about Kellie always talking about her problems.”
“It’s true. Y’all act like I’m supposed to have sympathy for the ignorant decisions she’s made.” I couldn’t believe the two of them were not on my side.
“Yes, she was the one who chose to love her husband and trust him,” Monica explained.
“Which is why she’s in the situation she’s in. If she would have left him like I advised, then maybe she wouldn’t be in the predicament she’s in right now.”
Monica sighed in disappointment as she walked away from me. She turned and looked at me like she couldn’t believe what I was saying to her.
“She may not be able to have children, Sonya. Did you remember that when you said what you said?”
“Yes, but—”
“Do you like Kellie?” Monica interrupted by asking.
“Do you want the truth?”
“Please. I asked,” Monica countered.
“No, I don’t care for her. I put up with her for you.”
There. It was finally out. I didn’t care too much for Kellie. Maybe if I would have told this truth earlier in our relationship, there wouldn’t be this confusion now.
“That doesn’t make any sense, Sonya. You don’t like her, but you use her as a babysitter to Meena?”
“Monica, I would recommend you not go there. You saw what happened when Kellie brought my daughter into this conversation.”
“I don’t care, Sonya. I’ve known you a lot longer than Kellie has. These ladies may not know how much you’ve struggled, but I do.”
“I didn’t use Kellie.”
“Where was Meena last night?” Monica asked.
I hesitated.
“Where?” she yelled.
“She was with Kellie.”
“And didn’t Kellie bring her to church this morning?”
“Yes, but—”
“No buts. You were dead wrong, Sonya. Kellie cares for you. It’s evident she cares for Meena also. I think you got mad because there was some truth in what Kellie was saying.”
Now it was my turn to get up and walk away from Monica. I didn’t feel like hearing this nonsense. I walked into Vivian’s kitchen and placed my wineglass on the counter. I placed my palms down on the cold granite and leaned forward, lowering my head. I needed to calm down because this afternoon had become way too much for me to deal with.
“Why did you leave?” she said, entering the kitchen. “Was there some truth in what Kellie said?”
“I know what’s going on with my daughter,” I said firmly.
“You think you do. Even the best mother doesn’t know everything going on with their child.”
I stood upright and turned to face Monica. Vivian was standing to the side, leaning against the sink with her arms crossed, watching us intently.
“Look, the fact still remains I don’t care for Kellie. That’s it. Why can’t
you leave this alone?” I asked.
“Because I think there’s more to it than that. What? You jealous of her or something?”
“Jealous of what?” I asked with a grimace.
“She’s gorgeous and is married,” Monica named.
“I’m not a toad or nothing. I look good too. And as for being married, she’s with a man who keeps cheating on her and infects her with diseases. You think I’m supposed to be jealous of that?” I laughed.
Monica inched toward me, her shoes echoing off the tile floors as she said, “She’s skinnier than you.”
That hit a nerve with me. I stared defiantly at Monica, not saying a word.
“I see I’ve hit a hot button with you.”
“Skinny women . . . they . . . They make me sick,” I muttered tersely.
“So you hate all skinny women, is that it?”
“Yes. I can’t stand them bitches. Flaunting their toned bodies, around looking at me like I’m beneath them. It makes me sick.”
“You sure that’s not in your imagination?”
“I’m not crazy. I know how I’ve been treated.”
“Has Kellie treated you like you are beneath her?” Monica asked.
“No, but—”
“Sonya, come on. You know Kellie is not that type of person. You shouldn’t punish a group of individuals for the ignorance of some.”
I actually hadn’t thought about it like that.
“If Kellie was fat like us, then you would like her better?” Monica asked.
“Maybe,” I mumbled.
“So all this time, you’ve picked on her and been mean to her, not because she speaks her mind and tells us all her business, it’s because she’s skinny?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” I told Monica.
“Then what about me?” Vivian finally interrupted.
She’d patiently sat back and allowed me and Monica to talk about this situation. I glanced at her, forgetting we were still in her house.
“Sonya, I’ve kept my distance and comments to myself because I didn’t want to overstep my bounds, but now I’m going to say something.”
“Please do,” Monica replied.
“It does seem like you’ve been really hard on Kellie. When I first met you two, I didn’t know you were friends at all. I know Kellie sees you as her friend, but you acted like you didn’t like her. To hear now it’s because she’s skinny, it makes sense.”
“How does it make sense?” Monica asked in confusion.
“I have five sisters. Well, now four. One has passed, and one is in jail.”
I was surprised because Vivian had yet to allow us into her business, not until now. To hear she’s lost a sibling and another is in jail was a lot to take in and made my issues seem like nothing. With as much sympathy as I could muster, I said, “I’m sorry, Vivian.”
“It’s okay. I can’t say it’s not difficult, but I’m learning to deal with it. The point I wanted to make is out of all my sisters, I was the fat one. I was the chunky one, the fluffy one, the jolly one—hell, the biggest one, and I didn’t like it. I used to get ‘she’s cute for a big girl’ or ‘she’s stylish for a big girl.’ For years, I wondered what that meant. Why did all the sentences have to end in ‘for a big girl’? There were times I didn’t like my sisters because they were skinnier than me. None of them know I’ve felt this way, but I have. I just kept it to myself. ”
Monica and I were concentrating deeply on what Vivian was saying.
“I felt like I was the black sheep in my family, even though I was the oldest. I felt like I had to try extra hard in everything I did because I’d already lost when it came to body image. My sisters had that category locked. Did it build resentment within me? Absolutely. Did it make me dislike women who were a lot skinner than I was? Hell yeah. But I’ve learned to live with it.”
“That’s the problem. Why do we have to learn to live with it?” I asked.
“Maybe those weren’t the best choice of words to use. There’s a lot that goes on in the world we all have to learn to live with. Weight just happens to be a subject that’s sensitive to us because being skinny is something we want to be. Television pushes weight loss and images of having the ‘perfect’ body. Magazines seem to celebrate women who are not as voluptuous as us. Even society gives us the side eye because they may think we don’t fit the mode in what’s beautiful, not realizing we are just as fantastic as the next person.”
“I don’t want to be skinny,” I admitted.
“I wouldn’t want to be Kellie’s size. She looks amazing, but I don’t think I would look right being as small as she is. A couple of sizes lower, I would be happy. But until I can get fully happy with me and love me in the body I’m in, I’m going to always find wrong with the world because I’m finding so much wrong with me.”
Vivian was speaking to my soul. It was like she was in my head telling me everything I had been feeling for years. And if I would have stepped back and looked at the life God dealt me, I would have recognized my insecurities started with my mother and the lifestyle she led, only to include me in it later. When had I had the opportunity to love me when life, along with me being a single mother, overshadowed the love I should have been giving to myself?
“I wish I can tell you ladies I’ve learned to love myself, but I haven’t yet. Not fully. This is why I have a problem accepting the fact my husband loves me.”
“But I do,” a deep voice said, causing all of us to turn in the direction it came from.
Vivian’s husband was walking in the kitchen looking fine as hell. I knew it was rude to stare, but I could gawk at that man forever. He walked over to Vivian and pulled her into him.
“Did you hear me? I said I love you. There is never going to be another woman who can take your place, Viv.”
He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, and in that moment, I became jealous of Vivian too. Not like that. I was happy for her. Seeing them together only reminded me of a love I once had with Kegan.
“I guess this is our cue to leave,” Monica hinted.
“Oh no, please. Don’t leave,” Sheldon urged as he turned to us. “You ladies continue with your discussion. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted my wife to know I do love her just the way she is, and I’m not going anywhere for nobody.”
“Girl, if you don’t want him, I’ll take him,” I said chuckling.
“You are one lucky woman,” Monica added.
“I know. And so are you, Sonya, to have a true friend like Kellie.”
“I know you are right.”
“You don’t have to call her tonight. Think about what I said, but try to fix this. The feelings you have toward her really don’t have anything to do with her. It’s your insecurities trying to ruin a good thing. Don’t you allow that devil to come in and steal her from you.”
Kellie
33
In the park swinging on the swing set, I let the mulch beneath my feet be my cushion as I pushed off to fluctuate back and forth. I enjoyed the wind caressing my face with its coolness which aided in extinguishing my sweltering rage. I needed this quiet moment to myself. It gave me an opportunity to think in peace without any interruptions. That’s why I dropped Vic off at my house, telling him I would be back after a while. He didn’t bother to question me, knowing I was going somewhere to clear my head. He kissed me on my forehead and told me he loved me before going into the house.
Usually the park was bustling with people walking their dogs or jogging, trying to get a workout in. Or there was some mom or dad pushing their child on the swing or tossing a ball back and forth, but for some reason, the park seemed empty. There were a few individuals, but not as many as I was used to seeing, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Why couldn’t I go back to times like this when life was so much easier?
The park was a place I found comfort in because my dad used to bring me to the park all the time when I was a little girl. I smiled at the memory of him pushing me on the swing and
catching me when I slid down a sliding board. Nothing felt better than knowing he was always there to catch me. I thought about him all the time and wished he was here to talk with me. He would know the exact words to say to me about dealing with any turmoil I was going through. Looking up at the arctic-blue sky, I closed my eyes and began to talk to him.
“Dad, I miss you so much. I wish you were here to tell me what I need to do. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m angry, and I don’t want to do anything I will regret. I’ve tried to make you proud and do things the right way, like you taught me, Dad, but, it’s getting so hard,” I said, getting choked up. “I miss you so much. I just need you to hold me in your arms one more time and tell me it’s going to be okay.”
I paused, thinking of his round face, and the reflection in my mind made me smile.
“All I have is memories now, which I will cherish for as long as I live. I know you are my guardian angel looking over me. I love you more than my words can say.”
A tear streamed down my face, and I reached up to swipe it away. More tears began to fall, and before I knew it, I was covering my face and weeping like a baby. The weight of everything that was going on in my life came spilling out. My marriage, the cheating, my husband’s lover, the sexually transmitted disease, the possibility of me not being able to have children, and my failing friendship with Sonya were all too much to handle.
“Are you okay?” a husky voice startled me, causing me to jump slightly as I opened my eyes.
In front of me stood a tall, mahogany brother who had a concerned look on his face as he stared at me. By his side stood a little girl who was gawking at me too with her little hand in his.
“I’m okay,” I said swiping at my tears.
I knew I looked a hot mess. Looking at my tear-drenched hands, I could see my mascara was ruining everything. Using the back of my hand, I did my best to get my appearance back on point, but it was no use. This man had already seen me look my worst.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m just having a moment,” I giggled weakly.
Big Girls Drama Page 18
