The Amazing Wilmer Dooley

by Fowler DeWitt

  The team was also assigned two chaperones: Dr. Dill and Mrs. Padgett.

  They all rode in the back of a truck driven by Mr. Sneed. Wilmer couldn’t see a thing. He was blindfolded, as were the other students.

  “I wish we had seat cushions,” said Wilmer. He sat on a hard wooden bench, and every time the truck bounced and jostled, it felt like someone was hitting him with a paddle.

  “Stop whining,” groused Ernie.

  “Remember,” said Mrs. Padgett, “we will drop you off in the middle of the woods and you’ll have to find your way back using science and navigation skills.”

  “Can we get our iNoises back?” asked Claudius. “They come with a GPS navigation system.”

  “Absolutely not,” said Mrs. Padgett. “Besides, you’d get no reception out here.”

  “What if we can’t find our way back? Or get attacked by bears?” asked Roxie.

  “That’s why you have chaperones,” explained Mrs. Padgett. “Not that I’ll be going. I could scuff up my brand-new shoes. A night hike! Who would have imagined! But you’ll have Dr. Dill to help you. Right, doctor? Doctor?”

  Wilmer heard Dr. Dill’s familiar ringtone followed by his booming voice. “This is Dill . . . Yes? . . . He has Elbow Grease? Have you tried cleaning it? . . . Well, scrub harder, man!”

  There was a big thud, the truck leaped, Wilmer flew up a good six inches before crashing back down on the hard seat, and then the truck stood still.

  “We’re here,” said Mrs. Padgett. “You may remove your blindfolds.”

  They were deep in the forest. With the thick tree branches blotting out the night sky, it was almost completely black. They could be practically anywhere.

  The kids carefully stepped down from the truck bed one at a time. Wilmer’s eyes soon adjusted to the dark. But it was still almost impossible to see more than a few feet in front of him.

  “Good luck,” said Mrs. Padgett as the truck pulled away.

  “Wait! Is Dr. Dill coming?” asked Ernie.

  “A rare case of Bell Bottoms has flared up? Say it isn’t so!” Dr. Dill screamed into his phone from the truck.

  “Just head north!” Mrs. Padgett hollered as the truck vanished into the night.

  The kids were alone and lost. A chilled air cut through their bones. Who knew how far they were from the hotel? And which way was north?

  The forest was silent except for the sound of a single cricket. Chirp. Chirp.

  And maybe a snake? And a bear. Definitely a bear.

  Wilmer stiffened. He wasn’t afraid of the dark. Not really. Seventh-graders-to-be were too old to be afraid of the dark. Still, he didn’t feel entirely not afraid, either. Truth be told, Wilmer was most at home in front of a microscope or reading a medical book, not lost in the wild. He’d have to act brave anyway. He couldn’t show Roxie, or any of them, that he was worried.

  I won’t give them the satisfaction!

  Wilmer shook his head. The night air was helping him simmer down, but not completely. He needed to try harder. “Isn’t this fun?” Wilmer said bravely. No one answered right away.

  “No, it’s not fun,”  snapped Ernie. “It’s too dark. There’s not even a moon tonight.”

  “Technically, there is a moon,” said Wilmer calmly. “It’s just not visible since we’ve begun a new lunar phase. Did you know there is no such thing as a permanent ‘dark side of the moon’? We can’t see the far side of the moon, but it still gets sunlight. And a moon day lasts thirty days.”

  “You know so much,” cooed Harriet. “But you mean each lunar day is twenty-nine-point-five earth days long, right?”

  “Um, right. Sure,” said Wilmer with a cough. “I was just rounding up a little.”

  “This is really fascinating stuff,” said Vlad with an exaggerated yawn. “But can we head back? I hear there are cider and doughnuts in the dining hall.”

  “Doughnuts?” said Ernie, snapping to attention. He took a few steps forward. “This way!”

  “How do you know the way back?” asked Wilmer.

  Ernie shrugged.

  “We need to figure this out scientifically,” said Wilmer sternly. He sank his hands into his pockets, which felt like a good thinking pose, and was surprised to feel something small. Something wrapped.

  It was a small chewy brown piece of candy. “Want this?” Wilmer asked Ernie. “It’s a home­made caramel.”

  Ernie shuddered. “From your mom? It’s probably made from bologna. No way!”

  Wilmer shrugged and put the candy in his own mouth. “No, it’s just a plain caramel. Not bad.”

  Ernie groaned.

  “Can we get going?” asked Vlad with a snarl. “Claudius and I need to get back to our exhibit.”

  “Oh, yes, we’re bursting to get back.” Claudius chuckled.

  Wilmer gave him an evil eye, but since it was so dark, Claudius couldn’t see him, which sort of defeated the purpose. Wilmer scratched his chin. He regretted skipping the Science Night Hike seminar, but he’d solve their problem scientifically.

  He wasn’t the Amazing Wilmer Dooley for nothing.

  Wilmer thought. He had read articles about being lost in the woods. What did they say? Moss grows on trees, right? The north side of trees. He bent down to look at the tree bark nearest him. He rubbed his hands against the trunk. “I feel moss here.” He pointed in the direction of a tall radio tower that loomed high above the trees. “So we go in that same direction. That way is north.”

  “That’s not really true,” said Harriet. “Moss can grow anywhere. It generally prefers damp spots, and because of the position of the sun, the north sides of trees tend to be damper, but it’s hard to always predict where moss will thrive.”

  Roxie pointed to the sky where a few stars were visible through the canopy of leaves overhead. “During the night hike seminar they said to look at the stars. That’s the North Star. It’s easy to find. You locate the Big Dipper. Which is there.” She pointed up, and then drew an imaginary line through the heavens. “Connect the dots from the bottom to the top and follow that line to there. Which means we go this way.” She pointed in the opposite direction Wilmer had pointed.

  Wilmer jutted out his chin. “I think I know which way we should go,” he barked, his brain clouding with anger. He took a few steps to his right.

  “No, it’s this way,” snapped Roxie, taking a few steps in the opposite direction.

  “You’re not even a scientist! Who would listen to you?” Disdain dripped from Wilmer’s tongue. “C’mon, everyone. Let’s go!” He took a few more steps. “Who’s going with me?”

  No one answered. No one followed.

  “I’m going with Roxie,” said Vlad.

  Roxie’s voice bounced through the air like a fragrant flower. “I knew you would. It’s nice to have someone believe in you.” She said this with so much meaning, it felt like a stick had jabbed Wilmer in the heart.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Science Night Hike Basics

  By Elvira Padgett

  Although this is the first year the science fair is at the Sac à Puces Palladium, Lodge, and Resortlike Hotel, the Science Night Hike is a consortium tradition. I only wish I could hike with all of you, but I’m way too busy planning things, and I’m no scientist! I know you will all love it. In forty-five years only one student has been lost! (And little Teddy Thornberry was found three years later living cheerfully with a family of coyotes, so he barely counts.)

  We don’t have any coyotes around here—just bears and poisonous snakes, and only a few of each. But follow these simple rules and getting back will be easy!

  - Bears usually avoid humans unless they are looking for food, so don’t smear mustard and relish all over your clothes and dress like a hot dog!

  - Look to the stars. Follow the North Star and you’ll soon find your way back.

  - I love kids!

  - Don’t lose your chaperones. They have all been specially trained in first aid, navigation, and safety.

&nb
sp; - Listen carefully for announcements from our new PA system.

  - I love kids! (I just had to write it again!)

  Claudius smirked. Wilmer was making a fool of himself. Again. Insisting his direction was the right way back to the hotel. Maybe it was. Claudius had no idea. Moss this way. Stars that way. Who could keep track? He had barely paid attention during the Science Night Hike seminar. But he wouldn’t follow Wilmer. Claudius wouldn’t give his enemy the satisfaction! Some things were more important than cider and doughnuts.

  But maybe he should follow Wilmer, for other reasons. Anything could happen: a bump on the head, Wilmer accidentally being tied up with rope and hung upside down from a tree branch, or put in a box and mailed to Brazil. Not that Claudius had rope or a box or stamps to pay for shipping. He smiled to himself at the thought of such deeds anyway.

  He didn’t wear an EVIL GENIUS shirt for nothing.

  But Claudius didn’t need any of that. He’d put Wilmer in his place tomorrow during the science fair, when his and Vlad’s project would leave Wilmer in the dust. Or in the slime, to be exact. He grinned to himself again. Grinning to himself was one of his favorite things to do.

  Vlad stood next to him. His cousin might be annoying at times—what was with those bow ties he wore?—but he was a good scientist. Claudius would give him that. He might even be a better scientist than Claudius, technically speaking.

  But Claudius knew scientific knowledge was only a small part of scientific talent. The ability to connive and cheat and hoodwink the public . . . those were far more important attributes, and Claudius had them all.

  No one could cheat and connive better than Claudius.

  Claudius had told everyone he had cured the Mumpley epidemic, that Wilmer was full of himself and that he loved to pick his nose and kept a snot collection in jars. That last one was totally untrue, but when Claudius began making up stories about Wilmer, he found it difficult to stop. He told one boy that Wilmer had a vicious pet vampire bat, and another that Wilmer wasn’t a kid but was actually a short adult named Raul who was wanted in fourteen states.

  Claudius had been concerned that the other students might not believe his tall tales. They were a bit far-fetched—it was quite obvious that Wilmer didn’t actually have robotic arms that shot laser beams—but Claudius was pretty convincing, and Wilmer had helped by acting all high and mighty. Kids were eager to believe the worst, and Claudius gave them exactly what they wanted. And then, when Wilmer knocked over Claudius’s crystal experiment? Well, that had been the icing on the poisoned cake! Never mind that Claudius had somehow ruined his experiment way before Wilmer knocked it over, having made some pinkish-green muck that was not crystal-like in any way.

  It was also surprising how quick to anger the other kids were. Scientists weren’t normally violent. But these kids seemed ready to practically explode in hate.

  Explode! Claudius chuckled to himself as he thought again of his science exhibit.

  He would be crowned the science fair champion, as Wilmer looked on jealously. Claudius would show his father he could be a success! Why, Dr. Dill would be so busy congratulating Claudius, he might even forget to answer his phone for the first time ever.

  Claudius saw a large radio tower soaring up into the sky. It seemed a bit out of place in the middle of a forest. It was enormous. Claudius shivered. He was afraid of heights.

  “We’re all going this way,” said Claudius, walking in the direction Roxie suggested.

  “What about you, Ernie?” demanded Wilmer.

  Ernie looked at Wilmer and then at Roxie. He hesitated. “I think Roxie is right. And I really want doughnuts.”

  “Fine. I don’t want you to come anyway,” Wilmer snapped. “When you get lost, don’t go yelling to me for help! How about you, Harriet? Are you going with them too?”

  Harriet stepped toward Wilmer. “Of course not. You are the Amazing Wilmer Dooley, after all.”

  “Yes, I am,” agreed Wilmer.

  Ernie and Roxie groaned. Claudius smirked.

  “But, Wilmy. I think you might be mistaken,” Harriet continued. She quickly added, “Just this once.” She pointed to the tree bark next to her. “This moss is growing in a different direction than the moss on the first tree. And at the seminar they said—”

  “I should have known!” yelled Wilmer. “You’re just like them!” He pointed to Claudius and Vlad. “Working against me. All of you are.”

  “You’re acting like a baby!” yelled Ernie.

  “Just forget it!” Wilmer shouted. “Forget all of it and all of you. I’m going my way. And if you all get eaten by bears, it’s not my problem!”

  And Wilmer stomped off into the woods. Alone.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  WARNING!

  NEVER WALK IN THESE WOODS ALONE. ALWAYS GO WITH A PARTNER, PREFERABLY ONE WHO IS A TRAINED BEAR WRESTLER, OR BETTER YET, WITH GROUPS OF FIVE OR MORE TRAINED BEAR WRESTLERS. THESE WOODS ARE TEEMING WITH:

  BEARS

  SNAKES

  POISON IVY

  HIDDEN TREE ROOTS AND THINGS YOU CAN TRIP ON

  A LARGE RADIO TOWER (NO TOUCHING, PLEASE!)

  BIG, HAIRY SPIDERS

  THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

  A PARTICULARLY CRABBY SKUNK NAMED IVAN

  Wilmer regretted his behavior immediately. He had acted like a jerk.

  To make matters worse, he was now by himself in a scary forest, without a flashlight, and was completely lost.

  Why had Wilmer been so stubborn, anyway? Why couldn’t he clear the clouds of irritation that hovered in his brain?

  And not just any clouds—threatening cumulonimbus clouds.

  It’s Claudius’s fault. Everything is Claudius’s fault! He’ll be sorry he messed with me!

  Wilmer concentrated on removing the anger from his brain. He walked forward. It was hard to see in this blackness, and he nearly stumbled over a tree root. Wait. He had passed this tree root earlier. Which meant that just a few steps away was that tall radio tower. It must be nearly a thousand feet high. Yes, there it was. He was going in circles.

  He knelt down and rubbed his hand against some tree bark, feeling the fuzzy moss that covered it. Harriet was right. This moss was not on the same side as the other moss.

  Why had he skipped that Science Night Hike seminar?

  Roxie had suggested looking at the stars. Wilmer wasn’t an astronomer—his specialty was chemistry. But she said to find the Little Dipper and go down . . . or was it the Big Dipper and go up? Or was it Orion’s belt and go left? Or was it the second star to the right and straight on till morning?

  It didn’t matter. He was inside such a thick clump of trees he couldn’t even see the sky. He continued walking.

  Moaning.

  Wilmer heard it from behind a tree nearby.

  Was it a bear? It didn’t sound like a bear, but what did a bear sound like, anyway?

  Should he run, or confront the beast? Dogs sensed fear. Did bears? Maybe Wilmer should take control and charge the bear. He did the math in his head. If it were a bear and he ran, there was a 75 percent chance of being hunted down, but if he confronted the bear, there was a 45 percent chance the bear would run off. Those were just random numbers, but they made Wilmer feel better about his course of action. He shuffled toward the tree, his heart racing.

  There. The animal was on the ground, sitting next to a tree. Maybe it had fallen on the same tree root that had almost tripped Wilmer. He should run. He could make it. He was about to spin around when he heard a wheeze.

  “Ernie!” cried Wilmer. His best friend held his ankle. “What are you doing here?”

  “Injuring myself,” said Ernie with a groan. “I tripped over this tree root.”

  “But why are you here?”

  “To find you, what do you think? You were going the wrong way.”

  “But I was a jerk,” said Wilmer.

  “I said mean things too. I’ve felt grouchy all day. But the fresh air seems to be helping.” He pau
sed and then shouted, “You stink!”

  “What?” said Wilmer, recoiling.

  “Nothing,” said Ernie, seemingly oblivious to the words that had just blared from his mouth.

  Wilmer looked at this friend, worried. They needed to get back. “Can you get up?”

  “I don’t think so,” groaned Ernie. “My ankle is killing me. You should go ahead. Save yourself.”

  “Save myself?”

  “That’s what they always say in the movies. One guy breaks his leg and tells the other guy to save himself.”

  “Well, you didn’t break your leg, and the only thing we’re in danger of is missing doughnuts.”

  Ernie shivered. “A fate worse than death.”

  “We should make a splint.”

  Wilmer searched the ground. Despite the inky dark, he quickly found a small but sturdy stick. Then he removed one of his socks and used it to tie the stick to Ernie’s ankle. As he worked, he forgot about this crankiness. It was just him and Ernie now, doctor and patient. Wilmer was born to be a doctor.

  “That’ll keep your ankle steady,” said Wilmer, helping Ernie to his feet. “How does it feel?”

  Ernie took a step forward. He winced as he put pressure on his ankle. “Not the most comfortable way to walk,” he admitted. “But better.” Suddenly, he frowned and yelled, “Must spoil milk!”

  “What?” asked Wilmer, alarmed.

  “Nothing,” said Ernie. He smiled, appearing to have no memory of his disturbing shout, and then held out his thumb.

  Wilmer gave it a vigorous shake back. It felt good to be best friends with Ernie again, but he still needed to find out what was happening.

  “Lean against me as we walk,” Wilmer said.

  Ernie put his arm around Wilmer’s shoulders and they took a step forward. Wilmer looked at the tall trees and charcoal dimness around them. “Um. You don’t happen to know the way back, do you?” asked Wilmer.

  “I was hoping you did,” said Ernie with a frown. “I’m completely lost.”

  “Me too,” moaned Wilmer. “I guess I don’t know everything.”