“Yeah. I’m going to let you go now, babe. You sound exhausted.”
“I am.”
“You know you can call me if you need me, right? Or Renee? Don’t torture yourself with the cravings. Help is only a call away.”
Laura chuckled. “Yeah, I’ll reach out and touch someone. Thanks, Mike. I can’t tell you how much this means to me – I’m not sure I’d have gotten through it all without you.”
“Happy to be of service, ma’am. Night.”
Mike hung up the phone, feeling a bit relieved that Laura was doing as well as she said. He hoped that she’d call someone if she got into trouble. Then again, he thought he’d managed to get rid of her stash, including the many bottles of Valium he’d found. He wished, though, that he could’ve spent this night with her. Whether they made love or not, he wanted to be there, wanted to just lie next to her, drink in the scent of her hair and watch her sleep. Somehow in the short time they’d known each other, she’d gotten under his skin. He couldn’t now imagine life without her and looked forward to a long future with her.
A little too soon for that, cowboy, he thought, don’t rush the lady – you’ll scare her away.
He smiled. Laura seemed such a spooky little thing, so fragile, almost ethereal. Then he went back to shuffling his papers. “I need to finish this up tonight,” he muttered, “so I’m not stuck here tomorrow as well.”
Cassie arrived on Laura’s doorstep late Friday afternoon. Despite the plans they’d made, Laura hadn’t really expected Cassie to be moving in. But here she was. The company would be nice, at least.
Laura smiled and opened the door wide. Cassie hesitated at the portal, but Laura reached out and gave her a hug, which pulled her in completely. “It’s good to see you,” Laura said. “How’d the last week in go for you?”
Cassie rolled her eyes and made a sound of exasperation. “Those people really started to get to me after a while. My new roommate turned out to be a newly converted born-again. And while I appreciate the thoughts of her Lord giving her strength, I didn’t need to hear about it twenty-four/seven. Not all of us are Christians, after all.”
Laura laughed. “I can’t say I’m sorry I missed it. Other than that, how are you doing?”
“Well. I can tell that you’re doing okay, you’ve got a nice warm aura around you. Things good with Mike? And don’t you look pretty? Are you going out?”
“Better than good. Thank you. And yes.” Laura had dressed with special care for tonight and she spun around to give Cassie a full view of the little red cocktail dress. “But why don’t you come in all the way and get settled. You’re in the second bedroom – that’s the one across the hall from the bathroom – and I cleared space in the closet for your belongings.” Laura looked down at the suitcase Cassie had brought in. “Is this all you have?”
“There’s some stuff still out in the car; but I left most of it in storage. Staying here is only temporary. I do greatly appreciate the offer, but I wish the house were more…”
“More what?”
“Welcoming? Inviting? It needs warmth, it needs lightening up.” Laura frowned and Cassie hastily backtracked. “Nothing to do with you, Laura, and nothing to do with your preparations. It’s not your fault at all; the bad vibes hanging in the air are much uglier than you could ever be even at your worst. If this house were a person, you’d cross the street to avoid contact.” Cassie bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, Laura, the words aren’t coming out right. I hope you know that I mean well. Anyway, it’s probably nothing that can’t be fixed with the proper purification. I can do that, if you’ll allow me.”
Laura tried not to take offense at her words, but some of the good feeling of Cassie being here had worn off. “Knock yourself out. Short of burning the place down, you’re free to purify away. I just want you to make yourself at home the best you can.”
“I’m sorry. I’m being tactless and blunt, as usual. Thank you for allowing me to stay with you for a time. And I’m sure we’ll manage just fine.” Cassie reached down and picked up her suitcase, nodding her head in the direction of the hall. “Lead on!”
Laura sat on the bed, watching Cassie unpack, feeling somewhat guilty about snapping at her earlier. She’d brought more accessories than clothes: candles, books, jars of oils, four decks of tarot cards, and a laptop computer. Cassie used the night stand to set this up. “You have wireless here, right?”
Laura nodded. “Yeah, I used to need it for work. But now that I’m no longer in real estate, I barely even turn the computer on. Didn’t cancel the service, though, so you should be set.”
“Great. I can keep the business going, at least. Save up some cash and get a new place to live. I don’t want to be a bother to you any longer than necessary.”
“You’re not a bother. I’m glad to have someone else here – we’ll each have a built-in support group.”
Cassie hung up her sparse collection of clothes in the closet. “So you’re looking mighty spiffy,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“Mike’s taking me out to a fancy restaurant. To celebrate.”
“Celebrate what?”
“I don’t know. Maybe for surviving rehab. Maybe for staying sober for five days. Maybe he’s trying to seduce me with good food and a romantic atmosphere.”
Cassie laughed. “Leading you into temptation?”
Laura got up from the bed and smoothed the skirt of her dress over her thighs. “Oh please, I hope so. God, it’s been a long time. Will you be okay here by yourself?”
“I’m fine.” Anubis chose that moment to jump up on Cassie’s bed and rub up against her. She looked down at the animal. “And you must be Anubis the Bonehead. What a sweet boy you are.”
“Are you sure? I might be late. I hope so, anyway.”
“We’ll be fine,” she patted the cat again and he purred. “Just Anubis and me. So you have fun. Write down the wi-fi password before you go. And if I don’t see you until tomorrow morning, I won’t be upset. I will, however, expect a full report.”
“I can’t promise that. But thanks. And yes, don’t wait up.”
Mike smiled at Laura across the table and reached for her hand. “You look so beautiful tonight,” he said.
Laura laughed and blushed. “You’ve said that already. Several times.”
“And I’ll keep saying it since it’s true. You haven’t caught the looks from the other men here? You’re one hot babe.”
“It’s the dress,” she said with a small shrug that caused one of the straps of her dress to fall off her shoulder. She pushed it back up. “Red is one of those colors that men notice.”
“What’s filling the dress isn’t all that bad either.” He reached for the bottle sitting in the ice bucket on the table. “More bubbly, my dear?”
Laura laughed as he refilled her glass. He was so sweet; he’d asked the waiter to bring a large bottle of sparkling water for them to drink. Oddly enough, although there was no alcohol involved, the trappings made a difference. The restaurant was upscale and expensive so making a big show of drinking water added to the festive feeling. And since the lighting in the restaurant was low, they didn’t seem any different from the other diners. She could admit to herself now that she’d worried about this dinner, worried about being in a situation where ordinarily she’d have drunk something. Or several somethings. But Mike, it seemed, had thought of everything.
“If I didn’t know better, Officer Gallagher, I’d think you were trying to take advantage of me.”
“Me? Take advantage? I’ll have you know my mother raised a gentleman.”
“Damn. And here I’d been hoping all night…”
“Shall I ask for the check?”
Laura choked a bit on her water, laughing. “We haven’t eaten yet.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“But afterwards, maybe we could go back to your place.” Laura had not been to Mike’s apartment, didn’t really even know where it was. For any other man, that might have be
en a danger signal. She hadn’t dated much since the divorce, but a time or two she’d been stung by men she’d met in bars who turned out later to be married or living with someone. She felt sure that Mike wasn’t married or involved. Still, she’d like to see his home. “Since Cassie is at mine, I mean.”
Mike made a bit of a face. “Is she staying long?”
“Don’t you like her?”
“I don’t know her, Laura. And neither do you. I worry about you, that’s all.”
Laura twisted her mouth. “I can take care of myself.” Don’t go there, Mike, she silently prayed – the blatant falseness of that statement was so obvious. She knew and he knew: someday it might be true, but right now she was hanging on the edge. Just let it go.
Mike took a sip of his water and set his glass back down. The waiter came then with their food. “Thank you,” Laura said, smiling up at him, “everything smells wonderful.”
“My pleasure, Miss.”
The awkwardness of their conversation disappeared and they ate in comfortable silence. Laura couldn’t remember a meal that had tasted as good as this one. She suspected it was the company rather than the skill of the chef. That plus the fact this was the first dinner out in a long while she’d eaten when sober. Maybe this not drinking isn’t all that horrible, after all. Deep down inside, Laura didn’t believe it for a second, but it was a good thought while she could hold it. The fact was, she trembled from head to toe, craving just one drop, just one little sip of what the other people around her were casually drinking. Suddenly, Laura lost her appetite.
She ducked her head and wiped her mouth with her napkin, laying it back by the side of her plate.
Mike looked over at her. “Something wrong? You’re only about half way through that steak.”
Laura shook her head. “It tasted wonderful, but I’m full.” She tried a feeble laugh. “This is more than I normally eat in a week.”
“Ah,” Mike said. “I understand.” He reached across the table and touched her hand. “It does get easier, you know. Eventually. If you want it to.” He signaled for the waiter.
Laura sighed. She didn’t want this evening to come to an end. “We don’t have to leave unless you’re ready, Mike. I’m fine.”
She looked down at her hands; one held the stem of her water glass firmly, the other grasped at the end of the table as if she were hanging on to herself and to her life by a hair. Not as if, she thought and made an effort to loosen her grip, I am hanging on. And just barely managing.
He cleared his throat and she looked over at him. She could tell from the look on his face that he knew she wasn’t fine. “It’s not a problem, Laura. I’m finished too.” He patted his flat stomach and smiled over at her. “Can’t afford to get fat. Besides, we can get a doggy bag – restaurant food always tastes best the second day.”
Laura’s stomach twisted up in anticipation as she entered Mike’s apartment. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, a sort of modern bachelor pad, perhaps, but this place certainly wasn’t that. Furnished with overstuffed furniture and a big screen television, Mike’s home teemed with a huge variety of house plants, all of them lush and vibrant. “I guess you have a green thumb. I’m impressed.”
Mike gave a laugh and took Laura’s coat, hanging it up in the hallway closet. “It’s a hobby. Something I picked up after rehab; all of the passion, drive and obsession with which I pursued my drinking – and believe me, I was a raging drunk – I redirected into one pitiful house plant that my sponsor had given me. And that plant, to my great surprise, responded and thrived. So I bought more which all grew as well. It’s therapeutic. A shame that I’m a cop – I could probably grow some awesome marijuana.” He laughed. “Anyway, when I see them, I’m reminded of all of the pain and torture I went through and how it all turned out to be worthwhile in the end. It had fostered new life, not just in me, but in the world around me.”
Laura looked around again, then back at Mike and smiled. The knots in her stomach eased. She even forgot her cravings, her own particular pain and torture, for a moment. She crossed the room and took his face in her hands. “You’re a good man, Mike Gallagher. Too good for me, at least…”
He stopped her words with a kiss. “Never,” he whispered into her ear, giving her shivers, good shivers, “never say that again. You happen to be talking about the woman I love.”
Making love to Mike turned out to be every bit as good as she’d imagined. It had been so long since she’d been intimate with anyone; and she could barely remember when she’d had sex without being drunk. As if she was having sex for the very first time, every touch, every kiss seemed heightened. The intensity overwhelmed her, making her feel lost and slightly embarrassed by the sheer intimacy. She almost wanted to close her eyes and just let her emotions wash her away, but she didn’t want to miss a thing. The look in Mike’s eyes as he loved her, coaxing one orgasm out of her after another, was too exciting to miss. The experience seemed to last forever and to take no time at all. When he finally collapsed on her, spent and sweating, she smiled and sighed. He held her, stroking her hair, whispering endearments; she fell asleep in his arms.
Mike felt Laura get out of bed and leaned up on one elbow to watch her. She seemed unaware of him watching; instead she picked up her shawl from where it lay on the floor and draped it over her, hugging the edges close to her. She walked as far as the doorway, but hesitated there, as if unsure of where she was.
“First door on the right,” he called softly to her, assuming she wanted the bathroom.
She looked over her shoulder at where he lay; her hair feathered around her cheek and her face glowed softly in the hall light. She looked beautiful, even with the dark circles and the haunted look in her eyes. She put a finger to her lips. “Shhhh. Listen. Do you hear that?”
Mike shook his head, he didn’t hear anything.
“It’s a baby. Crying.”
He listened again and could hear nothing. But she didn’t seem to notice him and listened again, her head cocked to one side, a distant look crossed her face. “It’s Matthew. I’m sure of it. I have to go to him.”
Mike realized then that Laura was dreaming. He got out of bed and touched her shoulder lightly. She trembled under his hand. “Laura?”
She woke up with a start. “What’s happening?”
He draped an arm around her – she felt ice cold. “You had a bad dream, sweetheart, come back to bed now.”
Laura rubbed her hand over her eyes, then snuggled into Mike. “It didn’t feel like a dream,” she said, shivering. “Or maybe I got up to turn the heat on – it’s damn cold in here.”
Mike nuzzled her neck. “It’s nice and warm under the covers.” He led her back to the bed and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. She fell asleep almost as soon as she lay down. He stayed awake for quite a while, watching her breathe, in and out, and wishing he could do something to help her, something to make her transition to a sober life easier. Wishing he could stop the nightmares.
He wondered how long Laura had been having these walking nightmares, wondered when they would end. But most of all, he wondered who Matthew was.
Chapter Twelve
Laura woke the next morning, confused about her surroundings. Then she remembered and smiled – she was at Mike’s place. She stretched and slid out of bed, finding an oversized sweatshirt in the closet to wear. The smell of coffee drew her to the kitchen, where Mike stood over the stove, making eggs and bacon.
“Wow,” Laura said, accepting a mug of coffee from him and sitting down at one of the bar stools at his kitchen counter, “that smells really good.”
Mike set his fork down and came over to give her a quick kiss. “So do you. How are you feeling this morning?”
“Great,” Laura said, taking a sip from her cup, “I slept like a baby.”
Mike raised an eyebrow. “I take it you don’t remember your nightmare?”
Laura shook her head. “No, I remember falling asleep. Then waking up just a f
ew minutes ago. Nothing at all in between. Did I have a bad night?”
“Not particularly bad, really. Restless, maybe. You were up and walking around, but weren’t really here, if you know what I mean. You heard a baby crying. And you thought it was Matthew.”
“Matthew?” Laura’s voice quavered slightly. “You’re right, that is a bad nightmare.” She set her cup down and rubbed her hands over her eyes, making a slight moaning noise.
“Who’s Matthew?”
“My son. He died at only two months old – crib death.”
Mike nodded. “You’d said you lost a baby, but I assumed it was a miscarriage.” He walked over behind her and wrapped his arms around her neck, pulling her back against him.
She leaned into him, putting a hand up and lightly stroking his cheek. “It was,” she paused, sighed, and continued, “horrible.” No one word could describe the event – but cataclysmic came close. For Laura and her family, it was singly the most tragic event they’d ever experienced. And for her marriage it was a death knell. Laura preferred not to think about any of it – alcohol had always dulled the edge of the pain, made it easier to bear. “I guess I’m not surprised it should come to the surface now. I’ve spent most of the time since he died living at the bottom of a bottle. And now there is no bottle to live in.”
“I’m sorry,” Mike said, “there’s nothing else I can say to make this feel better, is there?”
“It’s okay.” Every fiber of Laura’s body screamed at this lie. “It’s old news and I’d rather not talk about right now. Or ever. Regardless of what the counselors say, talking doesn’t help. All that does is bring it back up to the surface.”
He moved away from her and back to the stove. “Breakfast?”
She smiled. “Absolutely.”
They were halfway through their meal when Mike’s phone rang. He looked at the clock – it was still early. “Must be the precinct calling. Or a wrong number.” He stood up and answered it. “Gallagher here,” he said and listened for a little bit. “Hi, Cassie, yes, she’s here.” He held his hand over the receiver. “Obviously it’s for you,” Mike said. “She sounds upset about something.”
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