Walking through the yard at sunset reminds me of all the evenings Gram and I would spend out here together. We would sit in the swing over by the garden, trying to decide what to plant next. Sometimes we’d walk down to the dock and watch the boats coming in. There were also times we’d lounge by the pool, waiting for the stars to come out. That’s when the two of us would have our more serious talks. We’d be out here for hours at a time. “What I wouldn’t give to have one last night with you,” I say out loud, even though there’s no one to hear me.
Once safely inside the house, I decide to try and eat something. I start rummaging through the cabinets, only to discover it’s time to go grocery shopping. A bag of pretzels and a bottle of water will have to do for tonight. Before I leave the kitchen, sight of the hallway which leads to Gram’s room brings me to a halt. Eventually, I’m going to have to go in there, but not now. I’m going to go upstairs with my snack, find a book, and pretend, just for tonight, that everything’s okay.
***
The new morning brings a refreshed me. My hangover from yesterday is gone and I feel great. After making my bed and relaxing on the balcony, a nice long run is exactly what I need. My exercise routine has gotten way off track since graduation day a week ago. Getting back on a schedule is what’s most important. I function so much better that way.
Running through the neighborhood is therapeutic. The familiarity of it is very comforting, even knowing the big house that awaits me at the end is and will always be empty. There’s my best friend’s house, the park around the corner where all the kids play, the house of the boy Jade and I used to have a crush on, and the road that leads to the middle school we went to. Even though my parents live about twenty minutes away and they could pop up at any time, it’s still home.
After my run and a quick shower, I find myself in the kitchen looking around to see what I need from the store. My list quickly becomes quite long. I loathe grocery shopping. It’s one of my most hated chores. As I’m looking in the last cabinet, the shiny key in the juice glass catches my eye. I take a deep breath and grab it. My legs take me down the short hallway to Gram’s master suite. “Just go in, take a look around, make sure everything’s there, and get out,” I whisper.
The key slides into the lock and the click of it opening echoes in my head. Very slowly, the door opens and I hesitate before stepping into the sitting room. Thanks to the large windows at the far end of the room and the light yellow paint on the walls, the room is ridiculously bright. It was also Gram’s favorite room in the whole house. Right in front of the windows are two large, plush chairs, separated by a table with a ceramic lamp on it. The chairs are white with yellow accent pillows. On the wall next to them is a double-room fireplace encased in gray stone. To the left of the room is the doorway into the largest bathroom I’ve ever seen. Just inside of the room, on my right, is Gram’s desk. This is where she’d work for hours on end, grading students’ work or dealing with other paperwork for Shining Stars. Her laptop is still sitting closed on top of it. I walk over to it and wipe the dust off of it with my fingers.
The wall above the desk is covered with framed pictures of every class Gram has ever taught. She would say that looking up at them was her motivation to keep going when things got rough. Immediately, my eyes fix on the one she purposely put at eye level. I lean over the desk chair to get a closer look of my third grade class. A younger version of me is standing right next to the best teacher I’ve ever had. She was also the hardest teacher I’ve ever had. Occasionally, she would give me a more difficult assignment than the rest of the class. One day, I came home crying, thinking Gram didn’t love me anymore. Later that night, she stopped by my parents’ house to tell me the only reason she assigned this particular project was because she knew I could do it. She told me how it was her job to challenge the students who needed it. I remember working on it for an entire weekend. Gram had given it to another teacher to grade so there was no conflict of interest. I got an A.
I make my way over to the set of closed double doors that lead to my grandmother’s bedroom. Placing both my hands on the knobs, I turn them and push the doors all the way open. This room is decorated completely different than the sitting room. The walls in here are a deep purple and go well with her dark wood canopy bed. The bed, two nightstands, and one long dresser are the only pieces of furniture. A walk-in closet bigger than the average bedroom is on my right. There are two sets of glass French doors, which lead outside. One opens to a garden, and the other opens to a patio that overlooks the pool.
My eyes fill with tears when I remember the last time I was in this room. It was the night I was left behind.
The private nurse we hired to take care of Gram in her final days had just ushered my parents and my brother out of the house at my grandmother’s request. I had been waiting in my room for them to leave, so she came in to tell me they were gone and Gram was still awake. I hurried down the stairs and knocked lightly on Gram’s open bedroom door before going in. The door was always open because Linda, the nurse, would sit right outside of it.
The fireplace was blazing because Gram was always cold. There were machines set up next to the bed that Linda had brought in two days prior. I walked over to the bed and Gram looked up at me.
“Please tell me they’re gone,” she whispered.
“They’re gone,” I told her.
“Thank goodness.” I remember smiling at her. “Kacie, could you please stay with me tonight?” I had slept with her every night since I had come home for winter break and I’d fly home every weekend.
“Sure, Gram.” I walked around to the other side of the bed and crawled in beside her, underneath her huge comforter and fuzzy blanket. I laid on my side, holding her small, fragile hand in mine. Then I put my head on the pillow next to her shoulder, careful not to hurt her.
“This old lady is getting tired,” she sighed and closed her eyes.
In those few words, I knew what she was trying to tell me without actually saying it. She fought all she could. She was ready to go. Tears instantly filled my eyes, but I kept them in. Linda had warned me the week before that this would be coming. “I know, Gram.”
“Will you be okay if I just rest my eyes for a little bit?” My grandmother was asking me if I’d be okay when she was gone, almost like she had been trying to hold out until she knew she’d done everything she possibly could for me. I wanted to scream “no”. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t giving her permission to die. That I’d fall apart without her. But I couldn’t have done such a thing, even if it would have given me one more day with her. I wouldn’t have made her feel any guiltier than she already did about leaving me.
“I’ll be just fine, Gram. I promise,” I whispered to her, afraid my tears were going to escape.
“You know, even when I’m asleep, I’ll still be here for you. I won’t ever miss one thing. Graduation. Your wedding day. When you have a family of your own, and all the days in between. I’ll still be here, cheering you on, holding you when you need me.”
“I know.” Unable to control them any longer, the tears started running down my face. Gram squeezed my hand with all of her remaining strength. It wasn’t very tight. I made up for it by grasping her hand tighter with both of mine.
“The last twenty-one years have been the greatest of my life. No career, house, or all the money in the world could have brought me more joy than being your grandmother.” Gram started coughing, and I could tell it was painful. I didn’t want her to waste her last breaths on me.
“Shh. Just rest. You don’t have to talk.” She rolled her head over to face me. “I’m everything I am because of you, Gram. I hope you know that.”
Her coughing had calmed down, but her breathing became more uneven. “I do now,” she told me with the biggest smile she had been able to manage. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. In the last few months, cancer stole my grandmother’s beautiful features. Her hair was much thinner. Her face was sunken in. A once very strong, ind
ependent woman was reduced to a frail invalid, unable to get out of bed on her own. “My greatest regret in life was not getting your father to see you as I do. Perhaps he will someday. I’m not sure. You have to remember, if nothing else, that he doesn’t define who you are. No one ever should.”
“You have nothing to regret, Gram,” I assured her. “Even though he’s your son, you aren’t responsible for the way he has been to me. I never thought that. Not for one second.”
Gram closed her eyes and laid there silently for a few minutes. I thought she might have dozed off. Then she opened them again, only not quite as far. “You’re going to make a great teacher. Those kids are going to love you. Sometimes you’ll feel like you haven’t done any good. That you could have done more. Don’t give up because one day, even if it’s years from now, someone will tell you how you’ve touched their life. Those moments are what we live for. They are the reason people like us teach to begin with.”
“Okay. I’ll remember.”
“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”
“Thank you, Gram. Thank you for everything. My life would have been completely different if it wasn’t for you. Who knows where I would be right now if I didn’t have you.”
Linda came in to check the machines. She glanced at Gram before turning to me. With one nod of her head, I knew the end was near. It was the last time I’d be able to tell Gram anything, but the words wouldn’t come out. They were stuck behind the lump in my throat and the tears streaming from my eyes. After putting a fresh box of tissues beside me, the nurse graciously left the room.
“Do you have any idea how much I love you, Kacie?” Gram managed to lift her other hand to my face. Tears of her own were slowly falling down her cheek.
“As much as I love you, Gram. Bunches and bunches,” I repeated the line she had been saying to me since the day I was born.
“Exactly,” she smiled one last time, then closed her eyes.
“Give Grandpop a kiss for me.” I reached up and kissed her cheek, never letting her hand slip from mine. “Sweet dreams, Gram.”
“Sweet dreams, Kacie.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed from Gram’s last words until I realized she was no longer gripping my hand. She hadn’t opened her eyes again. Suddenly, the monitor next to the bed set off the loudest, most horrific alarm, letting me know my grandmother was gone. Linda came rushing into the room to silence it. She glanced down at the time on her watch before she walked out of the room again. For the first time since she had been hired, she closed the door behind her, allowing me to grieve the loss of the most amazing woman I had ever known. I laid there until my eyes ran dry and my body was worn out, both physically and emotionally. Linda had peeked in the room a few times, but she never rushed me out.
After a long while, Jake came in. He walked up next to Gram, leaned over her, and kissed her on the head. Without saying a word, he came around to where I was and lifted me out of Gram’s bed. I didn’t want to leave because I knew she wouldn’t be there when I got back, but I had no energy left to fight him. I grabbed onto him and buried my head in his neck. He carried me outside, through our backyards, into his house, and up to his bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed with me. Jade was also there, but it was Jake who held me the entire night as I stared at the ceiling.
Using my hand, I wipe away the tears. I have to find a way to be able to live in this house and not be tormented with sad memories. This house holds a lot of happy memories, as well. Hopefully, those will be enough to help me overcome this and move on. I take one more look around the room, make sure the doors to outside are locked, and leave the bedroom exactly the way I found it. Once I return the key to the glass in the cabinet, I feel a little better. I also feel slightly proud of myself for how well I handled going in there. Maybe the next time will be a little easier.
The sound of the doorbell startles me. I’m not expecting anyone. Jade’s at work and would use her own key. Jake has his signature doorbell ring so it’s not him, either. What if it’s my mother? I’ve been ignoring her phone calls since the morning after Noah’s party. She’ll know I’m here because my car is still in the driveway. I’m really going to have to start using the garage. As quietly as possible, I walk over to the door and peek out to see who’s there. The person standing on my doorstep isn’t anyone I would have guessed.
Chapter Nine
Evan
For the life of me, I can’t seem to shake thoughts of Kacie Foster. This damn girl is going to be the death of me. Saturday night was fun, entertaining, enlightening…and pure fucking torture. The conversations between Kacie and her friends, along with Jake’s play-by-play on how she ticks, revealed a lot about her. She is sweet, caring, vicious to a point, and sexy as hell all rolled into one adorable little package. A package I’m becoming more and more attached to every time I see her.
For some reason, I started to get increasingly upset the more trashed Kacie got. Why did I give a shit? I tried to get her to stop drinking a few times, but her friends kept ordering more alcohol. They were really pissing me off. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut, but it really wasn’t my place to say anything. Thankfully, Jake ended up putting a stop to the chaos and I jumped at the chance to help him get Kacie and Jade out of the club. I didn’t want Kacie to leave, however she really needed to. She stumbled halfway out before I couldn’t stand watching her like that any longer. I lifted her up and carried her the rest of the way. The moment Kacie was in my arms, she latched on to my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. It also happened to be the very moment she cut off my balls and turned me into a chick. Something about holding her that way made me care. Other than Meg, I’ve never cared about a girl. I was worried Kacie would be sick and that she was going to be alone. I opened my mouth to tell Jake I’d take her home with me so I could watch out for her, but he beat me to it.
“Don’t worry, Evan. I’ve been taking care of these two for a really long time. I got this,” Jake said. After putting her in the car, I brushed Kacie’s hair out of her face. She had already fallen asleep. Hearing he’d be looking out for her made me feel better and worse at the same time.
“Yeah, Evan,” Jade mumbled her words. “Jake’s got us.”
“Shut up, Jade,” he said, closing her door. When he came around to the driver side, he told me, “She’ll be at my house so I can keep an eye on her.”
“Call me if you need anything,” I said, trying to pull my eyes away from her. He nodded and got in the car.
When I went back into the club, there were a couple of bimbos waiting and ready to pounce. Were they here all night? The one blonde may have been the girl from two weeks ago who lasted a few rounds in the office. I completely avoided them and set out to find my cousin. Meg assured me she had everything under control, so I took off long before last call. I figured the paperwork would still be there the next morning.
After not sleeping well for the second night in a row, I spent most of Sunday worrying about how Kacie was feeling. Around noon, I couldn’t take it anymore so I called Jake. He told me she wasn’t awake, but he had just checked on her. He told me the same thing an hour-and-a-half later. Who the fuck sleeps that late? I was going insane all day and wanted to drive over there to check on her myself. The next time I called, I felt better. At least she was awake.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, I worried about Kacie all day yesterday. I thought about her the whole damn time I was at work last night. There’s no way I’m staying away from her again today, especially knowing she’s home and both of the Quinn’s are at work. Pulling up to her house, a sense of relief finally falls over me when I see her car in the driveway. At least, I’m assuming the red convertible is hers. I ring the doorbell and wait. No one answers, so I ring it again. It would be nice if I had her number right about now. Just as I go to ring the bell a third time, Kacie opens the door. My heart instantly crashes and my body drains of all excitement. Has she been crying?
“What’s wrong?” I a
sk, unable to move from her front step.
“It’s just a bad time. I’m sorry,” she says, suddenly realizing I can see she has been crying. She goes to close the door. “I’ll talk to you later.”
My hand flies out to catch it before she can close it all the way. “Kacie, please tell me what’s wrong.” What am I doing?
“It’s nothing. I’m fine, really.” It’s obvious she’s ready to cry again.
“If it’s nothing, then just tell me. I’m not leaving until you do.”
She attempts to get herself under control. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and slowly lets it out. “It was the first time I went in Gram’s room since she…” She can’t finish. Her tears overwhelm her. I rush over and pull her into my arms, refusing to let her go when she tries to back away.
“I’m not letting you go until you’re done,” I whisper into her hair. The fight leaves her body and she relaxes against me.
“I can’t believe she’s really gone,” she sobs. There’s nothing I can say so I just stand there, holding her. My foot reaches behind us to close the door.
After a few minutes, she starts to calm down. My hand gently rubs her back until her tears stop altogether. “I’m sorry,” Kacie whispers, wiping her face. “I haven’t cried in a really long time but, lately, it seems like that’s all I do.” She pulls away.
“Don’t apologize,” I tell her, looking directly into the most mesmerizing pair of eyes I’ve ever seen.
Left Behind: Left Behind Series #1 Page 10
