by Tania Cooper
“Baby, we will always be fine, there is nothing wrong between us, between the pair we’re attached too, well, that remains to be seen; but we, my sexy phallus, are always going to be fine, this isn’t forever and I love you too.”
“But I didn’t say I love you.”
“You didn’t have to.”
The thrum of the engine shivers through my sack as I feel the heat radiating off Lexi as Hot Lips soaks the car in a comforting blanket of happy pheromones. I feel my boy sink into his seat, the tension in him pooling and flowing free as he struggles to keep the grin from his face. Lexi squirms slightly as she sighs softly, her smile teasing at the edges of her mouth as she turns her head and stares out the window. I know Hot Lips is trying in desperation to quell the tension but I still feel the horrid layer of depressive anxiety lingering just under the surface.
I find myself flinching as my boy grinds his teeth silently as he watches Lexi out the corner of his eye, all the while still trying to keep us on the road as he moves through the coastal roads towards Melbourne. His thoughts are a jumbled mess, I mean seriously, one moment it’s complete acceptance of the task he and Lexi have set themselves, then the next in rolls a wave of doubt at whether they can pick up where they just left off. On top of that come sprinklings of deep loss, loss at the thought of what lies before them, the weeks and months of utter inhospitable loneliness as they try to drown their desire for each other and the carnal feelings of love and lust that even now is gnawing its way through both of them.
Several times I have had to force his mind back onto the task at hand, even if it is the basic one of merely driving in daylight, with his mind so unfocused, so torn between every little thought, or snatching scent memory as he catches a teasing whiff of Alexis’s perfume. My boy is completely incapable of keeping his mind on track and it is driving me to insanity.
I’m just glad that this is only a short car journey, anything longer and we would all end up dead.
“Well babe, here we are, home sweet home. I know what we’ve decided, but I have to ask, are you still sure you want to move ahead with it. I’m willing to try and work with us staying behind closed doors.”
“Lane, you know we can’t do that, it’d be too dangerous and we’ve both got too much to lose if it comes out at the wrong time. I’m sorry, but we have to stick with the plan.”
“Okay, I know that is what the best course of action should be. Still, it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“I know, neither do I, but it is what it is. I’ll see you Monday, Lane.”
“Hang on, at least let me walk you to your apartment.”
“Lane, it’s a hundred feet from the car door, I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine.”
“I know that, I guess, I’m just looking for an excuse to stay with you, even if it is only for a few seconds more.”
Yeah, way to look needy Laneway, shit, at least do something debonair to smooth over the childish whining. Ah fuck, who am I kidding here, I don’t want her and Hot Lips to leave any more than you bro.
“Baby, please, do something here, I can’t bear the thought of you being away from me, please, drown her arse in happy juice, anything, just make her stay, baby please.”
“Eight, you know I can’t do that, I love you, I love you more than anything, but her mind is made up, and so is Lane’s even if he can’t see it yet. Nothing is going to stop this, not me, not you. Only thing that would make her stay would be a tranquiliser and a net and you and I both know Lane isn’t that kind of person.”
“No I know, I just can’t bear it, the thoughts of us only having that one night together, it’s going to be hell and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live through it. Nor is my boy if I’m reading him right.”
“We’re stronger than we realise, baby, we’ll live through this, now make Lane let go of Lexi’s hand. We have to go baby, I love you.”
“I love you too, I’ll make him let go. Night, baby girl.”
“Night handsome.”
The apartment is cold, flat, lonely. We’re not even inside the door more than a minute and I’m already getting pangs of hurt and loneliness. My girl, my soul mate, the one person in this entire blue marble we call a planet that actually understands and completes me, is now beyond my reach. Hell, she may as well be on the other side of the solar system for what I can do about it right now, and going by the feelings I’m getting off my boy, well, he is feeling it deep inside his shuddering heart.
“Fuck I need a drink.”
You and me both Lane, crack that bottle and run a bath, I can’t be bothered with a shower bro.
God that feels better, but now bro, can we really stand to walk away from everything? From Lexi, from Hot Lips, you’re seriously considering keeping to the deal between you two? It’s going to drive you insane, Lane, hell, it’s already sending me mad.
“Am I really making the right move here?”
No, no you’re not, fuck I have been telling you that all you’re going to succeed in doing is making our life completely and utterly miserable. Which, as I know you all too well, will turn you into a moody prick again and that will drive a wedge between you and Alexis, which will put even more distance between me and the woman I love. That’s right, you heard me Lane, I’m in love with Hot Lips, head over freaking heels, up to my freaking pubic follicles in love with her. All this pact between you and Lexi is doing is ruining any chance I truly have at happiness right now, so I hope you’re proud of yourself, because, dickhead, you’re ruining my life!
I want you to know one thing though Lane, one thing, it’s not only my happiness you’re ruining here, it’s yours as well. Just think about that.
“Fuck I don’t know, on the one hand, it makes sense for me and Lexi to put it all on hold until the project is finished. On the other, it is going to drive me absolutely insane being unable to even hold her close when I get the chance. Shit, why do I always do the debonair thing and agree to other people’s plans without even thinking them through before opening my mouth, am I that much of an idiot?”
Yes! Yes you are! You are a grade one prat, and one I truly wish I could freaking leave. Why in the name of all that is holy was I attached to you? Am I being punished? Was I Hitler in a past life or something?
“Working with her, in that office, I don’t know if I can do it, I really don’t. I mean, shit I’m sitting here in the bath talking to myself, so I guess I’m already crazy, but, ah fuck it, I can’t turn round and just say ‘deals off babe, let’s fuck on my desk.’ Well I could but, shit I don’t know, I wish someone could just tell me what to do.”
I have been, I have been all the way along, it’s just you, you cloth eared dickhead, that doesn’t want to fucking listen to a word I have to say and now we stand to lose it all because you don’t know how to listen to other people, or more to the point the one person here who actually knows how to use that lump of flesh between your ears. Me!
Damn it, all this is doing is making me feel all the worse, being stuck between your legs like a rotten sausage while you refuse to listen to reason. It’s damned depressing, sometimes I really wish there was a company that made anti-depressants for dicks. I sure as hell could use some right now.
As soon as Alexis shut the car door, she went numb and her mind went straight into survival mode, running on auto pilot. She walked into her apartment and started cleaning everything! Every room, every surface, even cupboards we barely open were pulled apart and re-stacked. Laundry was done, fridge cleaned and sheets changed. Her apartment was sparkly by the time she realised it was now nine p.m. at night and our tummy was rumbling in protest.
When she allowed herself to think, all that crept into her thoughts was doubt, doubt over whether they really could pick things back up when this project was over. Yes, it was only a matter of weeks, but depending on the client’s needs, it could take longer and a man like Lane Anderson didn’t seem the type to go without, even i
f he had almost admitted to the depth of his feelings for her.
She has to admit, he was wonderful over this weekend. He was caring and attentive to her needs and trauma of her recent attack. He was gentle and loving and genuinely seemed to like taking care of her. His guard was down and she liked what she saw. And the sex! Holy fuck! Hands down the best sex she has ever had, if I may say so myself and I am more of an expert in that field than her I think.
Everything just seemed to fall into place this weekend, but I could feel her holding back slightly, trying to resist the urge to let her heart completely fall for this man. But she couldn’t control it, like she hasn’t been able to control the pull she has had to Lane from the very first moment she saw him across the lobby of her work. Her heart fell long before she even allowed it to. And now, now it was breaking slightly due to her past insecurities.
She wants to believe they can put things on hold for the sake of their project and pick right up from where they left things today, but history tells her not to believe everything that is being said to her. Her ex made all sorts of promises for the future and to the outside world, and to Alexis it appeared he kept those promises, until one moment in time where all his words suddenly meant nothing but lies. To a moment that would forever be etched into her brain, playing on repeat at her weakest moments. Like now.
The pain hits so suddenly that she falls to her knees, wrapping her arms around herself and cries. She cries for all the past pain of a broken relationship, the betrayal of his actions right before her eyes, and the months it took to recover from it. She cries for her issues that are making her judge Lane’s words in the same way, when she knows it’s not justified. She cries at the possibility that for some reason she may never get to experience that kind of passion and love she felt from Lane’s every touch and the sincerity in his every word.
She hates that she is doubting the wonderful weekend they just shared, when she should be happily counting down the days until this project is finished and she can see where these feelings for Lane will take her. I need to snap her out of this funk, but to be honest, I’m a little destroyed at having to say goodbye to Eight, so I’m not much help at the moment either. God we make a sorry pair.
The only plan I can think of is to get her creative juices going with some help from the big brain, get her finishing up some documents and projections for work ahead of time and hopefully make her so exhausted she will find some sleep for us tonight.
Well, my plan didn’t exactly work how I was hoping it would. It’s almost one in the morning and yes she is exhausted, but not exhausted enough to go to sleep without first falling into bed in a sobbing mess. The pain of her self-esteem issues is crippling as she finally lets everything out, and hopefully in doing so, lets everything go after the tears wash away all the past and present pain.
I really wish Eight was here. He would know exactly what comforting words to say to make this all bearable. I miss him so badly and it hasn’t even been an entire day away from him. What will it feel like if, after the project finishes, they can’t work things out and go their separate ways? Oh dear God, I wouldn’t survive that. I’d become a dark lonely place covered in cobwebs because there is no way I would ever let myself get aroused again.
The next morning is the beginning of an entire week of ‘Awkward with a capital A.’ After waking up with not much sleep behind her, Alexis surprised me with her positive attitude. She told herself in the bathroom mirror, ‘Don’t expect the worst, this could turn into something lasting, just focus on work and think positive. I’m so proud of my girl. But so much for that little speech, the minute she walks into the office, things become strained.
Monday:
Lane is just about to walk out of his office when Alexis goes to walk in and they almost collide. He takes a step back as his lips stretch into a face spitting grin; he begins to lean towards her before his smile falters and slips from his lips, as he seems to remember at the last second that they are only work colleagues for now. He straightens and only offers a small smile the second time around.
“Good morning, Alexis.”
What happened to Lexi? Damn this is not good. But my girl plasters a smile on her face and soldiers on.
“Good morning, Lane. I did a little work last night and came up with an idea I would like to run by you.”
“Sounds good. I’ll just grab a coffee and be back in a minute.”
And with that he practically runs out of the office and down to the breakroom, with Eight yelling out to me as they go.
“He just needs a moment, baby. It’s so fucking good to smell you again, Hot Lips. Fuck have I missed you. Talk soon, my love.”
At least when Lane comes back he has made a coffee for my girl too, which she takes with a shaky smile, not sure on how to navigate this new vibe that is settling over them both.
“Eight, are we going to get through this? Well, more to the point, do you think Alexis and Lane are going to make it?”
“Hell yes, baby. Despite them agreeing to place their relationship on hold for the welfare of this project, it has made Lane more determined to make it work. We just have to be patient and let them do it their way for a while. These next few weeks will go by fast, I promise.”
The rest of the day doesn’t fair well. They say very few words to each other and keep their distance when looking over storyboards side by side. Lane asks her if she intends to go to the police today to lodge a report, to which she quietly answers yes. He seems to want to say more, but decides against it and just lets a silence drift over them instead.
“He wants to go with her to the police station, Hot Lips, but feels that he can’t now considering their agreed situation. But he’s hurting baby, just wanted you to know that.”
“I understand, babe. She wants him to offer to go with her, but feels that it’s overstepping on what they have agreed on, so she won’t ask. This sucks Eight, and not in a good way.”
“I agree baby, I agree.”
We head to the police station during our lunchbreak, after Lane and Alexis look at each other for far too many seconds before she left, neither wanting to be apart at this moment, but we go alone, because that’s for the best? This hurts.
We are at the police station for almost three hours, with them contacting our building’s security while we’re there and requesting all of their documented evidence of Mr. Stalker and any CCTV footage of the outside of the building, as well as the lobby area. They already have the information on what they are referring to as ‘an attempted break in’ a few weeks ago at the building and said they will now attempt to retrieve any security footage that may have been taken down the laneway of her attack.
But all in all, because the suspect works in the building next door and has every right to enjoy the waterfront at the entrance of both their buildings before and after work, there isn’t much they can do unless they find CCTV footage of him doing anything more than just staring at my girl. She knew this would probably be the result, but feels better making a statement and giving the police all of the information she has just in case something changes in the future.
Back at the office, after relaying what the police said to Lane, they get back to work, in silence, in an awkward as fuck silence with Lane’s sexy as fuck aftershave floating in the air. This is going to be a long, very long few weeks.
Tuesday:
And if we thought it would get better the next day, we were wrong. Neither Lane nor Alexis know how to find a middle ground. When they feel as though they are speaking too friendly, they stop mid-sentence and put on a flimsy professional tone instead, which just sounds strained. When they are looking over printouts or storyboards and accidentally lean too close, they straighten up so quickly it’s leaving Eight and I dizzy.
“This is not freaking working, Eight. My girl can’t concentrate for shit and all these near touches are causing her heart to beat erratically all over the damn place. She may just have a heart attack by
the end of today and then where will it leave us all.”
“Hang in there, baby. It’s only the second day, it’s going to take them a bit of time to find a comfortable middle ground to work in, but they’ll get there, I promise. We just have to ensure they concentrate on work only and withhold all steamy hormones when they do get too close to each other. They can do this. But me … damn Hot Lips, you smell better with each new day. It is a major undertaking to not rise the minute you walk into the damn office every morning. I just have to hold it all in until we get home and then let it all go to my head and … well … let’s just say Lane will develop a few more callouses on his hands over the next few weeks.”
“Fuck Eight, that is just torture to my ears.”
The rest of the day is such a wash, Alexis decides to take a lot of work home to catch up on, since today hasn’t been very productive at all, for both of them. Eight tells me Lane will be burning the midnight candle also to try and stay ahead on this project. Damn I wish we had a time machine to jump ahead to the good stuff again.
Mmm, yeah, the good stuff. Eight, filling me, stretching me, making me … Oops, didn’t even know we had left work and now on a tram heading home. I will have to finish that little daydream tonight when Lexi crawls into bed. Shit! I have to make her stop by the grocery store, BOB’s batteries are flat and we have none left and there is no way I’m going to let these visions go in my head without a little bit of release tonight.
Wednesday:
Thank God today is super busy. They are getting ready to send their client some more ideas and both want to get it right before they forward them on. The morning goes by fast and when lunchtime arrives, Lane suggest ordering in so they can continue on the creative run they are both feeling, even suggesting ordering from Alexis’ favourite Thai restaurant, which makes her smile and has us all believing that they can indeed find a comfortable medium to work in.
After lunch they decide to spread everything out in the boardroom to get a better look at the campaign as a whole. It begins by both of them respecting each other’s personal space and being cautious not to lean too close to the other. But an hour later, that all goes to shit! Lane seems to be leaning in closer each time, leaving Alexis to wonder if it’s deliberate or if he is just so engrossed in work he doesn’t notice he is doing it, but either way, it’s making her on edge as our body starts to react to his nearness without any persuasion from me.
