by Jillian Dodd
I need someone like that, I think.
He smiles and shoves a big bite of omelet into his mouth.
“Plus,” I remind him, “she’s booking travel arrangements as we speak.”
“This is really good. Thanks,” he says and takes another bite.
In between chews he asks, “So are you and Phillip in?”
“I know I am. I haven’t seen Phillip this morning, but I think we both know what his answer will be.”
“Jay,” he says, pausing to put another forkful in his mouth and chew. Then he waves his empty fork at me, “Why don’t you just sleep with Phillip and get it over with?”
“What?”
“I saw you dancing together last night.” And he just shakes his head at me.
Phillip is at his last fraternity meeting, and Danny is out with Lori. I'm home alone, lying on the couch in my PJs. I’ve been absent-mindedly spinning an empty beer bottle on the coffee table, while channel flipping between 16 and Pregnant and Gossip Girl, and drinking a couple of beers.
Well, maybe more like four or five.
I think I may be slightly depressed and, well, maybe getting slightly drunk too.
Phillip opens the front door. I take a good look at him. Lori is right. He is so handsome.
My heart literally flutters every time I see him.
He walks into the living room and scans my row of empties. I watch the sexy backside of him, as he walks to the kitchen, grabs a beer from the fridge, and then plops down on the couch beside me. He opens the bottle with Danny’s bottle opener that plays the NU fight song. My mind swirls back to dancing with him last night.
Maybe.
“What’s up with all the beer? Lose another boyfriend?”
I ignore his smart-ass comment.
“Wanna play spin the bottle?” I surprise myself by asking.
“You know, it’s been awhile since I’ve played, but aren’t there usually more than two players?” He squints at me, wondering what joke I’m trying to play.
“Yeah, stupid idea.” I sigh a little bigger than I should have.
What the hell was I thinking?
“Hey,” Phillip says, as he leans forward and holds both hands up in the air in front of his chest. “I said nothing about it being a stupid idea.” He gestures toward the bottle on the table. “Spin away. Hell, you don’t even have to spin. I’ll kiss you anyway. Do you want me to kiss you?”
“What about Moaning Monica?” I roll my eyes when I say her name. In case you can’t tell, I don’t particularly care for her.
That girl is always moaning about something.
Usually me.
“Uh, well.” I get the feeling he would like to ignore the question. “It seems she broke up with me today.”
“Why?”
He laughs. “Well, it might’ve had something to do with our wild dancing last night.”
“I didn’t realize it was wild.”
“Yeah. Well, what’s worse is that I didn’t even realize she was there. She never crossed my mind. I was having too much fun with you.”
“What did she say?” I’m trying hard not to smile and show my happiness about his unfortunate break up.
Sorry, but, yay! That girl was not nearly good enough for Phillip.
“I don’t know.” He runs his hand back through his hair, leans back into the couch, and takes a pull off his beer. “It was something like, when she saw you and me dancing, she just knew that what she has always suspected, and I have always denied, was true.”
“And what’s that?”
“That you and I have, and I quote,” he says, while making quote marks in the air, “a thing going on.”
“A thing?” I laugh.
“Yeah, a thing.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I say. “We’re just friends, have been for a long time. I mean, God, somewhere there are pictures of us as naked babies together. And we’re just, you know, comfortable around each other. We’re able to hang out and have fun without having things happen.”
Then I stop and realize it’s not the first time I’ve heard this.
“Why does everyone think that?” I ask him seriously, as I rest my chin on my fist. “I mean, I’ve done way more with Danny. How come no one ever accuses us of having a thing? I don’t get it.”
“Um, well, could it be the fact that I always seem to run out on my dates to rescue you, and he never does?”
“You’ve never done that, have you?”
“Princess . . .”
“No, I’m serious.” I put my hand on my chest. “I always take care of myself. I never needed to be rescued.”
“Oh, really?” Phillip chuckles. “What about all the times you’ve had flat tires? Who has come and changed them? What about when you hit the deer, or the time you ditched Richie Rich at winter formal, or the time you had the huge fever and I had to take you to the hospital?”
He pauses, giving me his shit-eating grin. “Shall I continue?”
Okay, so he might be right.
And there is nothing I hate more than not being exactly right.
In fact, I’m getting a bit irritated right now.
“You didn’t have to come and do those things. I could have figured it out on my own. And I didn’t know you, like, left dates to do them. You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve been like Danny and said to just call Triple A or whatever.”
“I know I didn’t have to do it. I wanted to. I guess,” he states, looking at me sweetly with his adorable brown eyes, “like you,” he pauses and stares intently at me, “I haven’t met anyone that made me want to stay with them more than I wanted to go and rescue you. What can I say,” he rolls his eyes at me, “you made me play your knight in shining armor for so long, I just can’t seem to get it out of my system.”
God, he is adorable.
He laughs lightly and looks at me. I can tell by the intensity in his eyes what he is about to say is important. He puts his hand on my knee and leans towards me. “Seriously, you are kinda special to me.” Then he adds sneakily, “Now, speaking of spin the bottle, should I start?”
“Would you really kiss me, Phillip?” I ask, scrunching up my nose.
“I think I might be able to be persuaded.” He grins, grabs my arm, and throws it up over his shoulder. “Wanna try to persuade me?”
My face is so close to his. I could easily start kissing him. I’d only have to lean forward just a bit.
“No, I mean really? What if we kissed, and then we dated, and then you got mad at me and ended up hating me like most of my other boyfriends? I couldn’t stand to lose my best friend. I’m going to bed,” I decide suddenly, getting up off the couch and walking quickly toward my room.
“So you want to play the game in there, huh?” Phillip asks with laughter in his voice, as he tilts his head toward my bedroom.
“No!”
Then I hear him chuckling behind me and it makes me mad, because that boy knows all too well how to get under my skin.
This morning, Phillip brings me coffee in bed.
It’s 6:30 am.
Way early for me, but for Phillip it’s the perfect time to get your day started.
He and Lori are both the kind of people who sign up for 8 am classes. Danny and I try to never start ours until at least ten or eleven.
“Thanks,” I say, taking the cup from him. “Coffee in bed. You must want something.”
“I do.” He looks squarely at me.
He is sitting on the edge of my bed. I fight the temptation to just grab him and pull him in with me.
“So, what do you want?”
“You.”
“What?”
“I want you,” he repeats. “Go out with me for real, Princess.”
“I can’t.”
“Really? So what was last night all about?”
“Oh, nothing really. Well, Lori and I had been talking. She just asked if you and I ever, you know, dated or kissed or anything. I told her not since eighth grade.
Remember spin the bottle?”
“Yeah, so you thought you might want to play it with me again?” His head is cocked slightly sideways, like a puppy that is trying to understand me.
I hope he can. I’m not sure I do.
I shake my head sideways. “Maybe. Yes,”
“Well, at least that’s progress,” he laughs.
“Progress? What kind of progress?”
“Don’t tell me you can’t see it. God, Princess, I swear everyone sees it but you.” He shakes his head at me like I’m completely clueless.
I may be. But in this case, I know exactly what he is talking about.
“I see it, Phillip. I even feel it, but I choose not to cross the line. I care too much about you to throw our friendship away on a fling.” I cross my arms in front of my chest, indicating that my word on this is final.
“Who said anything about a fling? And you crossed way over that line with Danny, and you guys are still friends.” He is sort of muttering to himself now. “Of course, you would’ve never lasted anyway. You’re too much alike, think way outside the box, hate to be told what to do. Always right, even when you’re wrong.”
“True, we probably would’ve fought like crazy.” It surprises me that the thought of Danny and me together still seems to bug him. “But what's that got to do with us?”
“Probably? You do fight like crazy.”
He can’t seem to get off the Danny subject, so I give in on that point and say, “I know. That’s why he and Lori are so great together. She’s so grounded. She’s just like . . . ”
Then I stop.
I realize what I was about to say and think back to yesterday’s conversation with Danny.
The kite thing.
Shit.
Does Phillip fly me?
Is he just like Lori, hanging on and letting me do my thing, all the while keeping me safe and close by? Is he perfect for me?
Phillip interrupts my thoughts by saying, “Finish your sentence.”
“Um. No.” I shake my head.
I can’t.
“JJ,” he warns.
“Fine. I was going to say, um, she’s just like you.”
“And?” he prods.
“And you’re probably perfect for me.” I sigh big. “See? See the problem? I have a major conflict of interest here.”
“A conflict of interest?” He looks at me like I’m nuts.
“Yes.”
“What exactly do you mean?” Phillip needs to know this because he is so exact about everything.
“Well, everyone thinks you and I belong together. Part of me agrees. We get along great. I love to be around you, but the conflicting side of me thinks I shouldn’t risk it. And, besides, I really don’t think we should worry about what other people think.”
“Fine. So what do you think?”
“No fair. You go first. What do you think?”
Phillip takes a moment, gathers his thoughts, and says carefully, “Well, I do think we have a fair amount of chemistry.”
“Chemistry,” I laugh. “Are you serious? You treat me like your sister.”
“No, I do not. I’m much nicer to you than I am to my sister. Trust me when I say I have feelings for you that are probably illegal to have about a sister.”
I laugh nervously. I did not know this at all.
“I know in your mind,” he says, poking me on my forehead, “you think of me as a brother.” He switches his line of thought and says, “Do you ever feel tingly when I hold your hand?”
“Um.”
“Do you get excited to hear my voice at the end of the day? Do you like to be with me?”
“Uh.”
“People are right. You and I definitely have a thing. What they don’t understand is that we’ve never acted on it. I’m thinking we should,” he says confidently.
“You do?” I’m surprised.
“Well, what have we got to lose?”
“Uh, duh. Each other. And I really like you, Phillip.”
“No Princess, you don’t like me, you are totally in love with me. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”
I look at his eyes because surely he must be joking, but he appears very serious.
“Fine,” I say, temporarily giving in and avoiding the love topic. “I’ll go out with you sometime. Where do you want to go?”
“Mexico.”
“Mexico?”
“Yeah, trial run. If it doesn’t work out, no one needs to know. We’ll just come back to the way things are now,” he adds, scowling.
“How’s that?” I ask puzzled.
“You torturing and teasing me and then walking away.”
“I don’t do that!”
“You did last night.”
“Phillip, don’t you get it? I don’t want to lose you. You’re my family, my only family. I’d be alone if it weren’t for you.” I swear I’m about ready to cry. My eyes start tearing up, and I choke out, “Why can’t you get this?”
“You’re not going to lose me.” He runs his hand through my messy hair and down the side of my face.
Oh, that feels so good. I melt slightly and close my eyes for a minute.
“How can you say that? How can you be so sure?” I question. “You know my history. I always lose the guy!”
“Yeah, well that’s because they’re always the wrong guy.”
“And you think you’re the right one?”
“Yeah. I do. I’m the one,” he says, pointing to his chest.
I picture him as Tarzan. Me. Take you. Jane.
Then I focus back to what he is saying.
“I’ve been here for you all along. I’ve listened to you cry about other guys, I rescue you, take care of you when you’re sick, hug you when you’re sad, tell you you’re beautiful when you look terrible.” He looks me straight in the eyes and is dead serious when he says, “Princess, I’ve always been the one.”
I give up.
“I know,” I sigh. “So, Mexico, huh? And you promise if it doesn’t work out or we fight, we agree to pretend it never happened?”
“What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico,” he says, with a twinkle in his eye and a big smile on his face.
“Let me think about it,” I say diplomatically.
He takes the coffee cup away from me and sets it on my nightstand. “While you’re at it, think about this.”
Then he leans in and kisses me right on the lips.
Very thoroughly.
I can’t help but kiss him back. I completely relax, all defense slipping away.
Damn.
Then he stops, gets up, and walks out my door without another word.
Wow.
And he’s right, because I can’t seem to think about anything else.
Finals are over, we’ve all managed to graduate, and I’m on the beach in Cancun, Mexico. Phillip and I are walking hand-in-hand in the moonlight.
It’s a very romantic setting.
I can hear the sound of the ocean lapping the beach. The moonlight is shimmering off the water and in the sky.
It even feels romantic.
The sand is rough between my toes and the water keeps coming up onto the beach to caress my bare feet.
Phillip stops and kisses me, and it’s really wonderful.
When I kiss Phillip, I feel like I’m home, like I’m exactly where I belong. It’s a weird, and wonderful, and very scary feeling.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am in love with him.
If only I weren’t so afraid of losing him.
“Stop thinking so much,” he says, reading my mind. “Where is Miss Spontaneous when I need her? Any other time and you’d be dancing on the beach, making out with the guy. Do me a favor, Princess, relax and enjoy this.”
I try to relax, and I have to admit the kisses help.
I can tell Phillip would like there to be more going on than kissing, but every time he presses the issue, I feel myself pulling back.
I am just not ready.
&nbs
p; The next morning, it’s amazing, because Danny and I are the first ones at our breakfast table. I thought for a second that we were the first ones up because that never happens, but Danny informs me that Lori and Phillip went out for an early morning run, and the parents are already golfing.
Typical.
“So how did it go with Phillip last night?” He raises his eyebrows up and down, hoping to hear some juicy details.
“Well, we kissed”
“And . . . ?”
“And . . . that’s it.”
Danny shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me, like I’m a stupid idiot.
“Danny, what am I supposed to do? I just feel all this pressure, like I have to do this, not like I want to. It’s like I’m being told what to do. And you know that when someone tells me what to do it usually makes me do the exact opposite. You of all people should understand that.”
“I do understand, but it kind of seems like you’re looking for excuses.” He studies me closely. “You’re not letting what happened between us affect you on this? Are you?”
“Oh, you mean the It would ruin us part? Um, yeah. That’s the part that scares me the most.”
He is still shaking his head at me, so I say, “You don’t think if I go out with Phillip, it will ruin our friendship?”
“No, I don’t. I think it will enhance your friendship. Surely you understand what different people Phillip and I are. Hmm, I guess maybe now might be a good time to confess.”
“Confess what?”
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs, “I was so afraid of you on Prom night, I literally drank myself sick.”
“You were afraid of me?”
“Well, I was afraid of what I—we—might do. I mean, I really wanted you, Jay, and I have to admit there have been many times that I’ve kicked myself for not going for it.” He tilts his head and looks at me. “But I didn’t want to take advantage of you. I mean, you’d been through so much in such a short time. Jake. Your parents. Combine that with the fact that it would’ve been your first time. I don’t know. It just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. I was afraid you would regret it and hate me. I just couldn’t live with that.”
