by Scott, S. L.
Once I’m dropped off on campus, I’m tempted to sneak over to the psych building. If I could have gotten here earlier, I would have, just to steal a glance at Sara Jane. I like spying on her. There’s an innocence to her eyes when she’s in class staring off into space or taking notes. I can still see her in that Catholic school girl uniform—wet hair, bare legs, eyes that always saw the good in me. She pretends she still does, but I see the darkness clouding her eyes, the despair she’s better at hiding. It’s not all bad. I see the hope in the blue skies of her eyes as well. If I could spread it with a brush, I’d paint over the darker corners, and let the sunshine back in.
I drop into my seat, my backpack landing loudly on the desk. The professor always likes when I’m dressed up. He takes it as a sign of respect. Fuck him.
Resting my chin in the palm of my hand, I turn to look out the window. She’ll be leaving the building too far for me to see and heading to . . . Where does she go after her psychology class? I should ask her one day. Or meet up with her and walk her to her next class. It’s been a long time since I did that. It’s been a long time since we just existed. Our lives have been running full speed in two different directions, and I’m not sure how to slow it down. She has the whole world ahead of her—opportunity, job options, potential. I have Kingwood Enterprises and a heart that’s almost black. Correction, I may not have Kingwood Enterprises anymore. What will I do?
“Mr. Kingwood. You with us today or taking a mental leave by staring out the window?”
Among bored laughter, my gaze lands on the professor up front. “Carry on.”
“Thanks for the permission, Mr. Kingwood,” he replies sarcastically. “As I was saying . . .”
Fifty minutes later, I grab my backpack and get out the door before he can call on me. I’m long gone, cutting off other students, and down the hall before I hear the faint call of my name. I ignore it and push through the double doors that lead to the quad.
“Hey, Alex?”
I turn to the sound of a girl’s voice. Blonde. Big tits. California tan from her spring break to the Golden State that she bragged about last week, spoken loud enough for me to hear. Or she wanted me to hear. “Hey,” I reply because I can’t remember her name. I’m not sure I ever knew it. Or cared to.
“You done for the day?”
“No.”
“Oh, bummer. A few of us,” she says, then glances behind her to a group of girls all watching like this is their entertainment for the day, “are going to get margaritas and wanted to know if you’d join us.”
“I have class.” And a girlfriend.
“Skip it.”
“I don’t drink margaritas.”
“I’ll buy you a beer, or even better, your own pitcher.”
“Alexander.”
Shit.
The voice I love. The tone not so much. Turning, I see the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on. “Hey, babe.”
“Really?”
“Don’t be jealous. It was nothing.”
“How would you feel if the roles were reversed?”
“I’d kick his ass without a second thought,” I reply, smiling and taking her by the waist. Pulling her close, I kiss her neck since she turns away from me. “Don’t be jealous over nothing.”
She sighs and the tension in her rigid body softens under my touch. When her arms wrap around my neck, she looks up at me, and I know I have my girl back. “Why do you have to be so damn handsome?”
“Just born this way.”
Sara Jane rolls her eyes and steps back. “I see you went to class. Your professor must have been thrilled by your presence.”
“I got my paper back. My A still stands so he doesn’t say shit to me about my lack of attendance.”
We start walking and like so often lately, silence intervenes. I try to muffle it with stupid conversation just to hear her talk, to bring the happiness back into her life. “You have more classes, right?”
“Yeah. And the group project.”
“I’ll still pick you up.”
“Thanks.”
Silence.
Fuck. I hate silence when it comes to her. Normally, I crave it. Not with her.
“I should get going,” she says, stopping and looking up at me.
Taking her hand in mine, I kiss it. “Everything okay?”
She looks away and then shrugs. “I don’t know.”
“Hey, look at me.” When she does there’s a slump to her shoulders and not a smile in sight. I lift her chin and step closer, smothering the silence between us. “What’s going on?”
“I just have a lot to deal with. School stuff. This project and a paper.” She looks away again.
“Look at me, Sara Jane.” She does. Such a good girl. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
“What do you see in me, Alexander?”
Whoa. I didn’t see that coming. It’s the easiest thing I’ve had to answer all day. “Everything. Anything good in my life is because you’re a part of it. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be standing here.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. You know the truth deep down even if you don’t like to talk about it.”
Her patience is worn today and she looks across the aggregate quad toward the English building. “I need to go or I’ll be late.” Her hand, so small in mine, slips away.
I won’t lose her. She’s my sanity in the storm I’ve created. “I’ll pick you up, okay?”
“Outside the library.”
“I’ll remember.” I give a wave before feeling stupid and shoving my hands in my pockets.
I start walking in the other direction but look back. She never does. How can she ask me what I see in her? Surely she can’t look at girls like California spring break and think she is less? She’s less than no one. With all this shit at work happening, am I missing something? I refuse to lose my Firefly. I refuse to lose.
4
Sara Jane Grayson
Alexander Kingwood IV.
He is so easy to spot. When every other guy on campus is dressed in slouchy jeans that hang too low or tattered cargo shorts, university T-shirts, and Abercrombie & Fitch, Alexander strides onto campus in fit-to-a-T jeans that highlight his great ass, and a shirt too expensive to be called a simple T-shirt, pullover, or button-down. It’s like he walked off a runway. I stopped shopping with him years ago because he spends money without a care in the world. I don’t have such freedom. He’s more than generous, and would pay for everything, but I like to feel I own something from earning it or working for it.
I’m no martyr. I have no problem accepting gifts. I just don’t believe in spending hundreds of dollars on a cotton shirt that looks the same as a five-dollar tee right out of the pack.
When I see him through the library windows, I’m quickly reminded of the difference. The white shirt accentuates his biceps, fits his shoulders—that might be broader now than when I left this morning—and the hem hits at just the right length, exposing a brown leather belt. If he reaches up, I bet I’d get a glimpse of his amazing abs too. I might have to test this out. He takes my breath away like the first time I saw him. It’s funny that, at that moment in time one week before my eighteenth birthday, I had no clue how much my life would change forever. Deep down, it’s like he did. Alexander was sent to steal my heart and corrupt my mind. But I love him. I love him so much that it aches to be without him.
What’s not to love? The man looks at me like I’m an angel on earth and his savior. I wish I could save him. Whatever he’s gotten into, he’s dug himself in pretty deep. Maybe too deep for me to save him any longer. To reach him. It used to be exhilarating—an exciting adventure—when I was with him. The thrill is still there, but I worry about the future now—mine with his specifically.
He once called me naïve.
I didn’t believe him. Now I do. Now I know I was.
Never would I have predicted I’d be with him years later. My love for him has kept me by
his side. His looks—lady-killer looks—but that’s not enough. I wouldn’t be here three years later because he has a face I love to look at. I stay because our souls have melded together over time. I ache from his absence when he’s away too long. The hours are weights that drag me down. The heavy chains are broken the moment I see him. Time flies when we’re together. He’s an addiction I can’t break, and one I don’t want to. But for my innocence he stole, he’s given me life and love that far exceeds the loss. My heart soars with him.
There have been times over the years I’ve questioned whether I should stay. There was no question to my love because the answer was unyielding. It almost didn’t matter what Alexander Kingwood IV did or hid from me, because my soul was sold to him the day we met. It was in that moment that I knew I was meant to love him and harbor his sins in my safe haven.
It was a job I took seriously. So yes, maybe I was naïve when we met, but now I know what I’ve gotten myself into and I refuse to get myself out because my life wouldn’t exist without him being a part of it.
Hidden behind exorbitantly expensive designer clothes, his secrets have multiplied, layering the burdens he carries in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. I believe there are lies that will destroy him, and most likely me.
Yet, here I am.
Loyal to his misguided labors, protecting myself is a skill I’ve honed. Alexander would never hurt me, but I feel pain is the only byproduct of a future with him.
Yet, here I am.
Feeling like the little girl once again, I’ve fallen for blue-sky eyes and a smile so bright I swear the stars’ shine was stolen in the night. To the outside world, he’s King. To me, he’s Alexander. Everything.
I had plans. Big plans, like finishing my junior year, then my senior year as unscathed as possible. Freedom would be found in attending a university far from here. I’d start fresh. I’d become who I wanted, who I was meant to be before my heart took over my head. I knew what was next, but I never saw him coming, and then it was too late . . .
The rain is so thick I can’t see beyond it. I grab my umbrella from my locker, swing my backpack onto my shoulder, and head out to go home.
I pop the button that sends my umbrella up but one step outside the building and my socks and shoes are instantly soaked. It’s not a long walk home, but in the rain it feels like miles more. Needing a quick reprieve, I stop inside the grocery store, grab a Payday candy bar, then head to checkout. I’ve seen the cashier a million times. Gray hair tangled into a low bun in the back. She smiles, and says, “Awful day to be outside.”
“I like the rain.” Have I ever been convinced by my own words?
She’s definitely not. Her glasses slide down her nose as she studies me. My white cotton shirt is sticking to me, my plaid skirt drenched and dripping on the store floor. “You need to borrow a raincoat?”
I shrug. “Doesn’t matter now.”
“Seventy-five cents. Head straight home. I’m sure your parents won’t want you sick.”
My parents. I sigh louder than I intend. At seventeen, I still dream of a car one day, but my dad reminds me that being born is the only privilege I’ve deserved. I roll my eyes and set my dollar down. “Thanks.”
Waiting at the corner of a busy intersection to cross the street, I take a bite. The rain lets up and the pedestrian crossing sign beeps, but I don’t move. Not one step. Not to chew. Not even to breathe.
My heart balloons in my chest and despite the rain and humidity, my throat goes dry. Across the intersection rumbles a Harley-Davidson. I recognize the style of bike from watching TV, but it’s not the bike that holds my attention. It’s the man who rides it. His hair is darkened from the rain, but light enough for me to guess it’s probably medium brown when dry. A section has fallen over his forehead, resting on the tips of his eyelashes, probably to his dismay. Light, but angry eyes are directed at me, a hard stare that makes my heart race, fear coursing through my veins. The intensity invades my body in ways I’ve never felt before, confusing my thoughts and causing me to look away. I’m not scared of him, but I am frightened by the emotion welling inside me.
The signal to cross the street stops beeping, and I’m stuck on the corner under a thieving glare. Parts of my soul I didn’t know existed are exposed, and I drag my hand down the front pleats of my skirt. My breath comes short when our eyes meet again, and the candy falls from my hand. I summon every ounce of bravery and give as good as I’m getting, glaring right back. But I can’t hold it. He’s not a boy. He’s the guy my parents warned me about.
Turning away quickly, embarrassment comes as fast. I must look like a drowned rat and even worse, I’m stuck in my school uniform under the microscope of the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Even though I’m not looking at him, I just know that nothing breaks his stare. I feel his gaze penetrating my body, touching me deep down in ways I barely know how to reach. My face heats as my body blooms, the petals of my innocence unfolding for him. “Hold on. Don’t lose yourself.” Licking my lips, I know I could. For him I would.
A loud horn sounds, startling me. The toes of my shoes are off the edge, much like the thoughts of him possessing me in ways that would send me to confessional.
Thank God for small miracles. The light turns green, and his bike is revved before he takes off, leaving a trail of rain water behind him.
How is it possible that every last warning of what to heed embodies that man? I’ve never so desperately wanted to break every rule in the book until now. I could swear his middle name is Danger, and I’m intrigued enough to need to know his first.
I don’t look back over my shoulder. I don’t follow the sound of his bike as it drives into the distance. I don’t allow myself to fall any further than I have already. I cross the street, not noticing the clouds have cleared or that the sun is peeking out. I walk like the last few minutes haven’t changed my whole life, the makeup of my thoughts, and twisted my chemistry to match a man’s I’ll never meet.
At the next street, I turn the corner and stop. The motorcycle is there, but I barely notice it behind the man standing in front. His smile makes my knees weak and his eyes make my heart speed up again.
Fear.
Fear of what I already know I’m willing to do for him.
Fear of what lies ahead when I find out that first name.
Fear of the trouble that’s wrapped as tightly as the leather across his shoulders.
Fear of everything he possesses.
Fear of never getting this chance again.
Without fear, I walk right into his life, hands shaking and starting to sweat. When I get closer, the other guy rolls his eyes and jumps, starting his bike. As he drives away, I’m left alone. The air is sucked from around us and filled with his presence. He’s cocky and powerful, owning every muscle in his body as he stands tall before me. “Hey.” Husky, deep, and confident.
“Hey.” I stop, keeping five or so feet between us.
“I saw you back there.”
I nod, but don’t add to the conversation.
“What’s your name?”
“Sara Jane,” I confess before I have a chance to think otherwise.
His smirk turns into a genuine smile as he holds eye contact. That was the first time I saw the smile that would make me reject all others. “Hi, Sara Jane. Pretty name for a pretty girl.” He steps closer and I step back, making him chuckle. His feet stay planted when he says, “I’m Alexander.”
Alexander. The name becomes a melody as it plays over in my mind. I didn’t expect that name, but I love it all the same. Alexander. Alexander. Alexander.
He reaches out for me, his hand an open palm in front of me. Knowing I should go, that I should have never stopped in the first place, I shift.
“I can see the fight in your eyes. The decision to stay or leave wages a war. I won’t hurt you, Sara Jane.” When I don’t take his hand, something in his eyes—a kindness, sincerity—fills the grayish blue coloring, making me believe he’ll keep that
promise.
With the compliment given, I reach out and our hands touch. A silent deal is struck, my heart now his, our fates sealed. Is it his smile or confidence, the attention, or touch? In the moment it’s everything.
I wonder if I’ll regret this handshake later. If I’ll regret stopping and talking to him, giving him my real name. I could have lied, but I didn’t.
The noise of his friend’s bike rounding the corner is heard in the distance before I see him. He pulls up and parks next to Alexander. Losing patience, he whines, “C’mon, man. Let’s go.”
Alexander remains, our eyes locked in a silent standoff as our hands remained joined together. I may be young, inexperienced, but I know I don’t stand a chance against his wicked ways. I’m smart, but he’s clever. “How old are you, Sara Jane?”
I like the way my name rolls off his tongue, and savor it before answering, “Eighteen next week.”
A smile crosses his lips, one that causes me to bite my lower one. “Seventeen, huh?”
“She’s jailbait, King,” his friend calls from atop his bike, looking bored. “Let’s move on.”
With his gaze still firmly attached to me, he calls over his shoulder, “I can wait a week. She sure is pretty.” As if he’s speaking to himself, I hear him add, “And so very tempting.”
I’ve never been called tempting before and the word itself evokes illicit thoughts. His leather jacket is worn, scuffed at the cuffs, the T-shirt underneath is some brand I’ve never heard of, and his jeans are faded, nicely worn in. He needs to shave and his hair is close to violating school code, but I have a feeling it’s not the first time he’s broken a rule. He’s a bad boy in the flesh, a devil in disguise of a fractured soul that’s almost too handsome to look at.
