“I suppose,” Emily replied. And she was all right…in body. Mind and soul? That was an entirely different story.
The truth was, there were two people she was both looking forward to and dreading seeing that evening. Alexander had said she would see him tonight, and the latest letter she wrote invited John to arrive with a red rose in his lapel. She was scared as hell to encounter either of them.
After Alex had left her the previous night, she had broken down and cried. Long racking sobs had shaken her until she was left weak and drained. She had fallen asleep still dressed and laid out sideways on her bed. When she had woken up, her eyes had been so swollen she had spent most of the day with a cold compress across them. They had still been rimmed with red when she left the house for the party.
So far no one had said anything to her about them, but she was quite sure it had led to Rose’s question about her well-being.
Unfortunately, all the tears had done was put her to sleep and cause unsightly puffiness. Nothing else had changed. She was still confused and out of sorts. She thought back to her final kiss with Alex. It had felt like a promise and a curse. She had wanted it to continue. She had wanted to go back to the place he had taken her, where nothing felt real and yet everything was so crystal clear.
She had rather hoped he had ruined her. Such an act would have taken the decision out of her hands, despite what she had indicated to Alexander. But that was not to be. She was going to have to make up her mind soon. She prayed meeting her mystery friend would answer all the remaining questions in her heart. Despite how close she felt to this unknown man, seeing him in person and feeling the warmth of his presence in front of her instead of through the written word should be enough for her to decide.
As it was, she could not properly compare the two men vying for her attentions. Alex consumed her thoughts and sent her heart tripping like a stone across a pond, but the writer spoke to her soul and mind. However was she going to choose? And why did she feel so very awful that she couldn’t just say yes to Alex?
He had saved her life—multiple times now—and that should have been enough, but for this unknown factor. Why, oh why did the grass always seem so much greener on that proverbial other side?
“I am not convinced,” Rose said, looking at her friend with concern.
Emily let out a breath. “To be honest, I am confused. Alex proposed to me last night.”
“He what?” Rose exclaimed. “You must tell me exactly what happened.”
I certainly will not be telling that story, Emily thought wildly. What would her friend think of her behavior? Scandalously improper.
“It was nothing terribly exciting,” Emily hedged. “He simply came over after reporting back to Lady Lancaster and asked for my hand.”
Rose looked at Emily knowingly. “If it was so simple, then why are you blushing so?”
“Fine,” Emily huffed in exasperation, “I may have let him take a few liberties.”
“You did not,” Rose gasped. “Well, good for you, Emily Moss.”
“You aren’t appalled, then?” Emily replied in surprise.
Rose laughed. “Good heavens, no! In fact, I may have engaged in a few indecorous moments with Simon prior to our marriage as well.”
Emily wasn’t sure if she had ever been so shocked. Well, if proper little Rose had succumbed to passion, perhaps Emily wasn’t as wanton as she had feared. On the other hand, Rose and Simon had been betrothed, from birth practically, when Rose had let down her stays. Emily, however, could not say that she was such at the time of her indiscretion or that she was even now.
“So, you see,” Rose continued, “engaged women can be a little more, er, friendly with their prospective spouses as long as they are discreet in the matter.”
“But I am not.”
“Discreet?”
“No. Engaged,” Emily admitted, feeling herself getting warm again.
“You’re not?” Rose asked incredulously. “You turned Alex down?”
Emily nodded miserably.
“But, Emily, why? You two are perfect for each other. And I know he loves you.”
This caught Emily’s attention. “You do? How?”
“Oh my goodness. One needs only to see the way he looks at you. You know Simon and I have long suspected he has feelings for you. And frankly, we thought much the same of you.”
“Lady Lancaster intimated to me the other day that she felt that, too.”
“And you? What do you think?” Rose asked. She looked at Emily with such concern and care, she almost started welling up again.
“That is just it,” Emily replied, wringing her hands. “I honestly don’t know. My feelings for him have changed recently, and I can honestly say I care for him greatly, but just a week ago I thought I was falling in love with someone else.”
“Your mystery man?”
“Yes, exactly,” Emily burst out. “Now how can I be in love with Alex and this other person? Such a thing should not be possible.”
“Everything under the sun is possible with the correct variables. Science has taught me that,” Rose replied, waving her hand dismissively. “Why not feelings for two men? The question is, are your feelings for both men founded on truth and facts?”
“What do you mean?”
“You have never met your writer friend, so all your emotions are wrapped up in what he has written and what you have read into his words. How do you know that anything he has said to you is real and honest? Alex is flesh and bones. And, yes, we all know he is not perfect, but he can stand before you and look you in the eyes, and you know you can believe what he is saying to you.”
Emily had to admit that Rose was absolutely right. Alexander was real, and the way he made her feel was based on actual interaction and conversations with him. She had seen personally what a hero he could be and how thoughtful and considerate he was. Not just with her, but also with Alastair, their friends, and even his mother. What did she really know about her letter writer? Was having excellent penmanship and a way with words really enough to turn her away from everything she felt for Alex?
She was beginning to think she had made a huge mistake.
“Good evening, ladies.”
A familiar voice jolted Emily out of her head, and she looked up so fast, she felt something pop in her neck.
“Alex,” she said breathlessly.
Lord, but did he look handsome. His slightly curly hair had been tamed into glossy dark waves combed back away from his perfectly chiseled features. The fringe of thick lashes highlighted his beautiful chocolate brown irises, and his finely molded lips just served to remind her of how she felt when he was kissing her and so much more. She thought surely that if she were to look at his fingers, the memories there would cause her to swoon right into his arms.
“Emily, you look ravishing tonight.”
“Thank you, kind Alex,” she replied, feeling the heat once again rise to her cheeks.
The pleasure on Alex’s face warmed Emily’s heart.
“Would you like to dance?” Alexander asked with a graceful bow.
“I would like that more than anything.”
As she took Alex’s hand, she smiled at Rose and mouthed, Thank you. Emily still hadn’t made up her mind, but thought the idea of looking both men in the eye and seeing how she felt was a good one. It was time to put that plan into action.
…
Alexander could not have been more pleased by how the evening was starting out. First, Emily had greeted him with a smile and agreed to dance with him, despite what he was sure was a full dance card. Her luminescent hazel eyes had fairly twinkled at him. It seemed whatever had caused the still evident redness in them had been forgotten for the moment.
Yes, it looked to be an excellent night.
As he and his beloved circled the ballroom floor during the romantic waltz, he kept the conversation light and loving. He had promised to give her time to think and, despite her rosy behavior, he did not want to push the s
ituation too soon.
“How is Eleanor doing?” he asked, truly interested in the answer.
“Very well, I’d say. She is happy at Lady Lancaster’s, and she seems to be flourishing in her training. Rose told me that the Smythes have committed to bringing her on as an upper-level maid. I suspect the duchess sent along her recommendation after seeing how capable Eleanor is.”
“That is wonderful news.”
And it was. Alex had been very impressed with Eleanor during their escape from the Tavistock Arms basement. She had kept her head in a situation made all the worse for her because she could not swim. She deserved a good and happy life.
“I have to say, I rather like being part of your Garden Society, but may I ask you for a favor?”
“You may ask,” Emily allowed playfully.
Alex grinned. “I simply would like to be included in any further missions in which you have a role. I think you and I make an excellent team.”
“Hmm, I don’t know…”
“Oh, you don’t, do you,” Alex replied wickedly. He leaned in to nuzzle Emily’s neck before breathing his next words hotly into her ear, “What do you say now?”
“Yes, yes,” Emily whispered, clinging tightly to him, “we make an excellent team.”
“That’s what I thought.”
He straightened back up and continued dancing her around the floor as if nothing had transpired, but he was rock hard and Emily appeared to have forgotten how to waltz. He could not help but grin.
“Careful, dear. You are dancing like your friend Sarah,” he joked after yet another light step on his toes.
“Oh my, I am sorry,” Emily said, clearly trying to gather her wits. She slapped softly at his shoulder. “Please refrain from doing…well, whatever you just did…while I have to concentrate.”
“I cannot promise any such thing.”
“Then I cannot be held responsible for the welfare of your feet,” she retorted.
“It is a trade-off with which I can live,” Alex purred, pulling Emily closer.
“Sir, we are in public,” Emily reprimanded staunchly, trying to increase their distance from each other.
“We don’t have to be. I am sure there are any number of private places in this house we could go,” Alexander informed her.
“Really?” Emily replied with a slight stumble.
Apparently the idea held some appeal. How wonderful, Alex thought, but he did not want to win her that way. He wanted her to come to him of her own accord, not because he had almost deflowered her.
“No, you are right. I should be acting much more gentlemanly.”
“You should?” Emily repeated, sounding marvelously disappointed.
“Yes, you are a lady, and I should be treating you as such.”
“Well, yes, I suppose…”
“Recently, a friend of mine told me that a person’s actions speak louder than words. It is not enough that I tell you I respect you, I must also show you.”
Emily looked up at him with her mouth agape. “That is one of my favorite mottos.”
“Then you and my friend would get along famously.”
“Undoubtedly.”
Alex was relieved when Emily didn’t pursue the conversation further. She seemed content to finish out their dance in companionable silence.
The truth was, the friend in question had been her, in one of her letters. In fact, he had a red rose in his jacket pocket that felt heavier and heavier with every pass around the dance floor. At some point he was going to have to put it on and end this charade. But he was having such a good time and, despite knowing that she did truly love him, as both himself and her secret friend, he was scared that finding out the truth and knowing that he had known for days now that she was Grace… Well, there was a scenario where this didn’t end well for him. And the thought of not ending up with Emily as his bride was devastating.
He was in love with Emily. All the things he had been able to talk about in the anonymity of letters, he wanted to share with Emily in person. The past few weeks had proven to him that she was trustworthy and loyal. And she, too, had lost a parent—both parents, actually—and the loss had made her who she was, much as his loss had affected his own personality.
Emily allowed Alex to be the person he wanted to be. When he was writing the letters, he had expressed a side of himself that was never allowed to leave the pages, but with Emily he had seen parts of himself come to life. He had been heroic and selfless. He had cared so much about another person, he had just known when that person needed him. With her, those words on a page could be said without censure.
But he had to figure out how to tell Emily that he was John.
Soon enough the waltz came to an end, and despite a dance card full of potential suitors, Emily never left his side. Everywhere they went, Alex could hear the murmurs of the partygoers. In a society where dancing more than three dances with a lady was tantamount to an engagement announcement, staying together all night was as good as a marriage, itself.
At some point during the night, Alex threw away the rose in his pocket.
Emily had given him hope that she had made up her mind to marry him. If not in so many words, her actions spoke volumes.
And with her favorite motto being what it was, Alex took comfort in the knowledge that she would be saying yes soon enough.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I believe there is a part in each one of us that hopes the impossible can happen.
~The Duke of Lancaster
It was a glorious fall day full of sunshine and flowers, but Emily was enjoying none of it as she walked through the cemetery toward the little angel statue. She had one final letter to leave in the cherub’s hands. John had not shown up at the ball as she hoped he would. She had looked into the eyes of one of her suitors, but she had nothing to compare it to.
She needed to see him. Once and for all. If after receiving this letter, John did not reveal himself, Emily’s decision would be so much simpler. She would go with the man who clearly wanted her. The man she was half convinced she loved anyway. But she would rather choose Alex because she was sure, not as a default.
She had written her note when she came home after the ball.
Dear John,
You weren’t there last night. I hope it was because you did not receive my last letter for some reason. That is the only explanation I can come up with, because otherwise I can only believe that you were not sincere about wanting to meet me.
Well, I am giving you one more chance. A man I dearly care for has asked me to marry him, but I cannot say yes—although everything in my being says I should—because of you. Although we have not made any promises to each other, we have talked about a future where we are together. Out of respect for that and our friendship, I am asking you once again to meet me. Here at our angel tomorrow night at dusk. I know there is a chance you may not get this letter before then, but I cannot ask the man who has made his intentions known wait any longer. I respect him too much.
Don’t leave me any more letters. If you have something to say to me, wait until tomorrow. If you don’t show up, that will tell me everything I need to know.
Yours in turmoil, Grace
She placed the note in their secret spot. Despite the heaviness of the task, Emily was still light at heart. She had done all she could do for the moment. All that was left to do was wait.
…
Alex walked through the cemetery completely content. He was so sure of Emily’s feelings after last night, he hoped to find a farewell letter to John in the angel’s hands. He could hardly wait to begin his life with Emily. Once she had said goodbye to John, he felt sure he could tell her that he had been John all along and their love would be strong enough to overcome whatever feelings she would have when hearing the news. Emily would finally be his.
So strong was she in his thoughts, Alex almost swore he saw her on the little stone bench that sat near the messenger angel. He stopped abruptly when he realized it
was Emily. She appeared to be talking to the statue, and Alex was overcome with curiosity.
Giving the spot a wide berth, he picked his way through the brush and bushes that were decoratively growing throughout the church grounds. Finally he ended up hidden by a tree that grew up just behind the bench on which Emily sat.
After listening for a second or so, Alex realized that Emily was talking aloud to someone she called Meg.
“So that is what has been happening,” Emily was saying. “The most extraordinary thing. I think I have fallen in love. It happened suddenly and yet also seems to have taken forever. On the one hand, there is Alex Bredon. He is the one who seemed to endlessly annoy me, but now I see we both played a part in that, and it has prevented us from truly getting to know each other. And then, there is John. I feel as though he knows me better than anyone, and I have no earthly idea who he is. It is truly a conundrum. I can marry the person to whom I can tell anything or the man who makes my heart jump out of my chest and with whom I feel cherished and safe. Whatever am I to do?” Emily’s words continued, but Alex had heard all he needed. He wanted to jump out from behind the bushes and tell her that she could have it all, but suddenly he heard voices coming from his left. Looking over he saw all the girls from the Garden Society approaching Emily. Their timing could not be worse! The conversation he wanted to have with Emily needed to be had in private, but knowing he was leaving her in turmoil physically hurt his heart.
He was still considering his options when the girls finally caught up to Emily.
“Here we are, Emily,” Hannah said. “Are you ready to shop? The ball is tomorrow, after all.”
“Yes, yes,” Emily replied, standing up and wiping her eyes.
“Are you crying, dear?” Rose asked, reaching out for her friend.
“No, no, not really. Just feeling the loss of …well…everything today. Honestly, it’s times like this that I especially miss my mother.”
Alex could see the wistfulness in Emily’s eyes even from where he stood. He knew what it was like to lose a parent, but he honestly couldn’t imagine losing both his mother and father. But only he knew that Emily was talking about losing more than just family. In her mind, she was at risk of losing a confidante or Alex, himself. He could see her heart breaking before him.
A Rogue for Emily (Lady Lancaster Garden Society) Page 22
