by Nikki Logan
‘Ambulance, please,’ Reilly barked into the phone, never taking his eyes off Lea. ‘Hurry.’
Lea forced back tears. How did a woman who thought she had nothing suddenly find herself with so much to lose?
He drove back towards Kununurra like he was leading a stampede. They met the ambulance halfway; the paramedics transferred Lea into it immediately and assessed her condition.
It was definitely labour. Six weeks early.
They admitted Lea to hospital, doubled over with pain and wet, alone and frightened. Reilly had fallen behind the racing ambulance in the rain, pulling a trailer, but she was sure he would come. Despite everything.
He would come.
‘Is there anyone we can call, Ms Curran?’ The receiving nurse noted her near-hysterical condition. Lea gave them Dr Koek’s number and Anna’s. She could really use one of her sisters now. Maybe both.
‘Our staff are aware of the need to preserve your cord and placenta,’ the nurse told her efficiently, still filling out admission information. ‘Our lab has been sent the equipment we need and, um, we’re just getting it all set up. We weren’t expecting you this soon.’
Oh, God. ‘The baby?’ Lea whimpered.
‘Is early but not critically so. Premature bubs do really well these days, don’t worry.’ She seemed so sure. But six weeks…The nurse scribbled more information on the clipboard as they wheeled Lea straight through to Emergency. ‘Did you sustain an injury in the past few days? A knock to the baby?’
Lea stared. The barrier fence. The child. The blonde woman. They’d all slammed into her. ‘Today? A child was—’
The nurse cut her off, not caring for details. ‘What kind of injury? Fall? Impact?’
‘Impact?’ Lea stuttered. Had she hurt her baby leaping into Reilly’s arms? Only hours ago she’d selfishly wished the baby would come early.
Oh, God…
‘Lea.’
Relief washed through her. She twisted around. ‘Reilly.’
He was crouched by her side in a moment. The passing nurses looked enviously at the handsome man racing to his love’s side. If only they knew.
‘What’s going on?’ Reilly’s imperious request got much more response than her own whispered questions. He was back by her ear in moments. ‘They’re preparing Theatre just in case, Lea. And the lab, for the stem cells. But they’re going to try and stop the labour.’
‘Molly?’
‘Mrs Dawes is going to sit with her all night. She’s asleep. She’s fine.’
Tears welled on her lashes. She gripped his hand. ‘It’s too early, Reilly.’
He didn’t waste his breath with platitudes. ‘I know.’
‘I didn’t mean to hurt the baby.’ The tears spilled over.
‘Shh.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘I know.’
‘What I said, in the car…’ The last syllable was elongated as a contraction hit Lea square in the mid-section. She doubled over on a moan. Reilly held her through it, looking about helplessly for someone to come and help. Despite the pain, she grabbed his chin and pulled his eyes back to hers.
‘I need you to know.’ Her voice was tight. ‘I will honour our agreement. Even though I’m not staying. I want you to take the baby, Reilly.’
‘Lea…’
She clutched his fingers. ‘We had an agreement.’
Confusion and disbelief wracked his beautiful face. ‘You would give up your child rather than be with me?’
‘You say that like it’s an easy choice. I can’t stay with you, Reilly. I don’t want to end up hating you.’
Because you can’t love me back.
Her heart wrenched with spasms as painful as her labour. Tears began to flow.
‘Don’t try and talk, Lea. Just tell me one thing—one word; I know you won’t lie.’ He swallowed and brushed strands of damp hair back from her face, talking thickly. ‘Could you love me? In time?’
Every thread in every muscle of her body screamed at her to say yes. Independent of her will, they started coordinating themselves in a series of microscopic contractions that forced her lips into the right shape for a ‘yes’. She forced them closed as yet another lightning bolt of pain ripped through her. She bared her teeth in a savage snarl that was about so much more than being in labour.
If she said yes he’d only persuade her, charm her, seduce her into compliance. He’d promise her anything if it meant having the family he so desperately wanted. And, stupid fool that she was, she’d believe him. Until next time something happened to remind her that she was in this alone. That her love was onesided. Sacrificing herself to a loveless marriage would only lead her to resent Reilly. And Molly. And the new baby. Pain flowed down her cheeks.
She couldn’t lie. And she couldn’t tell him the truth. She turned her streaming eyes to his.
I love you with everything in me. ‘You’re getting the baby, Reilly. That has to be enough. I’m so sorry.’
He stumbled to his feet, ashen.
Out of nowhere, nursing staff swarmed in and pulled Lea away and down the corridor. Others followed her with machines on wheels. ‘You’ll need to wait here,’ one of them told him gently. And then Lea was gone.
Reilly’s world spun around him.
I’m so sorry…
Sorry that she couldn’t imagine herself loving him, even for the sake of her children? She’d give up a baby rather than be with him? His gut ached like he was sharing the pain of her labour, the physical price of bringing their baby into the world. He would gladly take it on, and more, if it spared Lea the agony he’d seen in her eyes.
I want you to take the baby…
Hurt and anger mixed in an excruciating alchemy, bubbled up in his blood, drove him out into the ambulance receiving-area. He swore. He never should have pressured Lea to stay. She wasn’t ready. He’d pushed too hard, consumed with his dream to have a picture-book family, to give his children the upbringing he’d never had: a father and mother around all the time, a happy, stable family home. He’d forced her hand using the baby as bait.
Exactly like his mother had with his father.
The pain froze his breath. A siren wailed somewhere in the night. Icy awareness rattled through him and he grabbed the edge of the still-warm ambulance for support.
Adele Martin had manipulated her husband into a lifetime together. Her son had done the same with Lea. His heart pitched and he struggled for breath.
He was made in his mother’s image.
Kevin Martin had loved Adele secretly for years. He’d gone willingly, blindly, into their marriage only to discover one person’s love couldn’t sustain them both. Eventually, he’d turned numb just to survive. He would go to his grave knowing the woman he loved had never truly loved him. He was living his long, miserable life that way.
Reilly closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the ambulance.
Lea was right. They’d end up hating each other the way he suspected his parents did. His feelings for her wouldn’t be enough. And Molly and the new baby wouldn’t be any more oblivious to the undercurrents than Reilly had been as a child.
He would not be responsible for inflicting that on another child.
‘Mr Martin?’ A nurse shouted from the hospital doorway. Reilly snapped his burning eyes toward her. She backed up a step. ‘They’ve not been able to stop the labour. We’re prepping the theatre for a C-section.’
His heart hammered against his ribs. Surgery. His son or daughter would be born tonight, for better or for worse. The fantasy family of the past months was over. Lea wouldn’t be staying. Molly wouldn’t be staying. He knew in his heart that he couldn’t take this new child from Lea or Molly, contract or no contract.
His family was finished.
He turned and walked into the darkness.
‘Mr Martin…?’
A dull cloak settled back over his heart, muffling the pain as he stumbled down to the car park. Reilly recognised the sensation the moment it returned: the numbness that had got him thr
ough his childhood. His father’s numbness.
He barely heard the confused nurse call him a third time.
He hadn’t realised the deadened sheath had lifted at all. But he saw it clearly now, blowing up and away when Lea had walked up his stairs that first day.
Maybe the survival anaesthesia would take him through his life just as it had his father. He slid the metaphorical cloak back on, retried it for size—Reilly Martin, king of the circuit. Heart of stone. Untouchable.
It fit so snugly he didn’t even feel the rain as he walked stiffly off towards the darkness of his future.
Alone.
Chapter Fourteen
‘GOOD morning, Mummy.’
Clammy hands touched her face sweetly, drawing her out of a deep, exhausted sleep. She struggled to sit up.
Molly?
‘Shh. Just relax, Lea.’ Warmth from a second touch spread through Lea as the soft voice and smell of apples trickled into her consciousness.
‘Anna?’ She scanned the room through groggy eyes: no Reilly. Her heart sank. Why was she surprised?
‘I’m here. Molly’s here. You’re going to be fine, Lea.’
She’d come. Anna was in a hospital, the place she hated above all others. ‘Jared?’
‘We’re leaving for India next week. Jared’s getting everything ready; he sends his love.’
Love. The closest she’d be getting to it, anyway, the platonic affection of a brother-in-law. Lea pushed herself to a sitting position. The ache of emptiness in her lower body and the pull of surgical staples reminded her of why they were here. Her eyes flew open.
‘The baby…’
Creases formed between Anna’s blue eyes, concerned. Confused. But there for her. ‘He’s doing fine, Lea. He’s small, but everything works. He’s breathing on his own.’
Invisible fists squeezed her heart painfully. A boy.
Reilly had a son.
‘Why won’t you see him, Lea?’ Anna’s voice was low, conscious of Molly now playing in the hallway with someone else’s little girl.
Avoidance. ‘The stem cells?’
Anna’s lips tightened, not fooled. ‘On their way to Perth. He was a good match.’
Tears sprang into both their eyes. They both knew what that meant for Molly.
‘Your son, Lea. Why won’t you…?’
‘Not my son.’ She knew her tone was bleak, knew she should be pulling herself out of it, but unable to. ‘Reilly’s.’
Anna stared at her silently, assessing. Then she changed tack. ‘Reilly. Now he’s an interesting one. He looks just like Molly.’
The tears spilled over. ‘You’ve met him?’
Anna nodded, folding a tissue into Lea’s cold fingers. ‘He’s here. He brought Molly in first thing.’
Lea’s heart squeezed. Here—but not here.
‘He called us late last night. Asked us to come.’ Anna was relentless when she wanted something. Lea studied the dull, beige room. Anna leaned closer, a glint in her eye. ‘He’s very good-looking.’
Lea smiled, though it was weak. The sisters had grown up with a similar eye for quality males. It had been something of a hobby in their younger years. Back before life got serious.
The glint evaporated. ‘Your baby needs you, Lea.’
Lea knew exactly how difficult this would be for Anna. Babies. Hospitals. She loved her husband but she had a raw place in her heart that was forever reserved for the baby she’d lost. A boy.
She blinked furiously. ‘God, Anna.’
Just like that, strong arms were around her and Lea felt the familiar screen of toffee-coloured silk drape around them. Anna’s hair smelt of sunshine and straw. Lea’s tears tumbled.
Anna’s voice was raw, pained. ‘You need to see him. He needs his mother.’
‘I can’t. I can’t look at him.’
‘He needs to feed, Lea. He needs you.’
‘I’ll express.’ She stumbled on. ‘Or formula. I can’t get close. He’s not mine to love.’
She told Anna about her arrangement with Reilly, pausing to breathe raggedly between tears.
Anna’s blue eyes widened with disbelief. Her long fingers shook. ‘You signed that?’
Shame speared through Lea. ‘It was for Molly.’ Her eyes dropped. ‘I would have signed anything.’
Blue fire crackled under a deep frown. ‘And Reilly wants this? Wants to take your child away?’
Lea immediately fired up, fierce, ferocious. ‘He has as much right to this baby as I do. It was part of our agreement. He needs it.’
Anna stared at her, eyes wide.
Lea bristled. ‘What?’
‘You love him.’
Lea swallowed. Sudden tension filled the room.
‘You love him enough to give your baby up. Oh, my God.’
Lea broke, hot and angry. ‘Don’t say it like that. Is it such a surprise that I know how to love?’
‘Oh, Lea. No.’ Anna hurried to fix her gaffe. ‘I just…I had no idea.’
Me, neither.
‘God, it must have been so hard all these months. You were made to love someone, Lea Curran. Someone worthy.’
‘He is worthy,’ she whispered.
‘But?’
Lea breathed in deep. ‘But he doesn’t love me. He likes me.’ Her laugh was a shade hysterical. ‘He’s attracted to me.’ Her voice softened and she pressed her hand, complete with IV drip attachments, to her pained heart. ‘He really loves Molly.’
Both women glanced out at the dark-haired poppet in the hall. She looked up and smiled brilliantly through deathly pale lips: Reilly’s smile.
‘What’s not to love?’ Anna whispered. ‘And he still wants this baby? He’s said that?’
Lea frowned. ‘I signed a contract.’
‘Months ago, Lea. What about recently?’
She gingerly told her about Reilly’s proposition that they be a family. Anna’s eyes saddened, Lea’s eyes prickled dangerously again.
‘You need to talk to him, Lea. He’s right outside.’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t. I’ve hurt him too much.’
‘You’ve hurt him?’
‘He wanted this so badly. A family. He deserves a real one.’
Anna frowned. ‘But you love him. Molly loves him. How is that not real?’
Had motherhood turned Anna obtuse? ‘He doesn’t love me, Anna.’
Anna watched her carefully. ‘So?’
The fists squeezed again. Critically hard. ‘Am I the only one who believes I’m worthy of being loved? Is it so unrealistic? First Dad, then Reilly, now you.’
Anna’s head came up. ‘How long are you planning on wallowing in that, Lea? How many lives are you going to mess up because you had a terrible relationship with our father?’
Lea felt her sister’s brutal words like a slap across the jaw.
Anna barrelled on passionately. ‘Dad made a lot of mistakes. He wasn’t perfect. He was just a man; he lost his way when he lost the woman who gave him strength. He had to raise two tiny daughters in man’s country and he didn’t have a clue where to start.’ She leaned in closer. ‘You were older, so he did all his learning on you. By the time Sapphie and I came along, he’d already worked out what didn’t work through trial and error. Mostly error, I’ll concede.’
She stared at her sister.
‘You showed him, Lea. Over and over. Every day he knew he’d messed up with you, and you never forgave him.’ Her eyes dropped. ‘I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you, keeping his secret, but I can imagine how it must have been for him. How much shame he carried around, knowing that you knew. That you judged him. He would have seen it every time he looked in your eyes.’
Lea swallowed past the large lump in her throat. ‘Jared told you.’
‘Yes, he did.’
‘You think it’s my fault?’
‘No, Lea. It is what it is. But you can’t let the past destroy things in the present. Affect Molly. Affect your son. You need to brea
k the cycle.’
Lea rubbed confused eyes. ‘You think I should stay with Reilly despite the fact he doesn’t love me? How is that better for Molly? What lessons would she learn from that?’
‘No. I agree you can’t do that. I did it for five years before Jared and I worked it all out, and it nearly broke me. But if you’re leaving you need to tell him why. From what you’ve told me, he could benefit from knowing someone loved him, too.’
A cold fist tightened around Lea’s intestines.
Anna stood stiffly, her eyes glittering dangerously. ‘And then one of you needs to step up for that little boy. Someone needs to hold him and love him. I don’t care which of you it is; he’s already gone too many hours with only the nursing staff to cling to.’
Anna walked out as Lea burst into tears.
‘Lea? Anna said you needed me.’
Bloody Anna. But even as she thought it, Lea knew it was unfair. Anna was the only one working for their baby right now. Shame washed through her.
‘Lea, don’t cry.’ Reilly sank down onto the bed next to her, tired, cautious. ‘Everything will be okay.’
‘Have you seen him?’ Lea asked, swiping at the escaped tears. She needed to know something about her baby. His mother’s hair or his father’s? Whose eyes? Everything where it should be?
Reilly studied the bed linen. ‘No.’
Lea’s face came up. ‘Why not?’
His eyes were unreadable. ‘I’ve destroyed the contract, Lea. I’m not going to take him from you. From his sister.’
Her stomach contracted painfully.
‘A family should stay together. I won’t be responsible for pulling one apart. The nurses are bringing him up to your room.’
It was all happening so fast. It was what she wanted—of course it was—but not at any cost. The cost of Reilly’s heart. She could see the pain etched into his features. He was giving up two children.
‘Reilly, what about Molly? The baby?’
‘I’m going to go before he comes in; it’s the easiest way. I don’t think I can see him just yet. I just wanted to say goodbye. We’ll talk by phone about maybe sorting out access visits. I want to see them both, sometimes.’
