by M. H. Strom
“Just brushing my teeth.”
I watched as she bent over to get some water from a container, her nightgown stretching tight against the curves of her butt cheeks.
“Goodnight,” she called again, and went inside her tent, zipping it closed. Joanna’s father was looking at me with a bemused expression, and I felt embarrassed.
We sat around the fire awhile longer talking quietly, then I said my goodnights and dragged myself away. Walking home, I looked up at the star filled sky. To think the God who made all those stars cares for me.
“You really are an amazing God.”
Six
It was another beautiful day. My dad was in an uncommonly generous mood and let me off work early. I went to see Joanna at the campsite, but she wasn’t there. I found her at the beach sunbathing in her bikini, lying on her back with one knee slightly raised. Her eyes were closed and I just stood there admiring her. Every bit of her was beautiful.
“Are you gonna stand there staring at me all day?” She smiled without opening her eyes.
“How did you know I was here?”
She cupped a hand over her eyes and grinned up at me. “I saw you coming.”
I sat down next to her and she rolled onto her side to look at me.
“My dad told me off because of you.”
“What for?”
“For coming out in my nightie last night.” She giggled. “Did you think it was sexy?”
“Yeah.” I laughed. “It looked see-through.”
“It’s not see-through but it’s very filmy. I wasn’t wearing anything underneath.” She smiled impishly.
“You like teasing me, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She grinned. “You like it too, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do.” Maybe I shouldn’t.
“You wanna go to the cove?”
“Okay.”
She gathered up her things and we set off along the beach hand in hand. We passed a group of bikini clad girls, and after we’d walked a little farther Joanna released my hand. “Why did you look at those girls?”
“What girls?”
“I saw you looking at them.”
“I only glanced at them. It was nothing.”
“Why do you look at them when you’ve already got somebody? It’s like you’re looking for someone better than me.”
“No, I’m not, it’s just an instinct. We see a girl and we have to notice if she’s pretty or not. We can’t help it, it’s just the male instinct for finding a mate, we can’t turn it off after we’ve found someone.”
She started walking again and I hurried to keep in step with her.
“Men are so shallow. You’re only interested in physical beauty and sexual attraction. You don’t care about the important things.”
“Yeah we do. Physical attraction is just the first stage—”
“When you look at a girl like that you’re seeing if she’s someone you’d want to have sex with, right? That’s what sexual attraction is?”
“No. You can find something attractive without wanting it. Attraction doesn’t mean anything without actually getting to know them. You fall in love with a person, not a body.”
“Well it hurts that you’re with me and you’re looking at other girls and being sexually attracted to them.”
“I hardly looked at those girls. I find you way more attractive than any of them.”
“What if you did see someone prettier than me?”
“That’s impossible.”
“Why do you look then?”
“I told you, it’s just instinct.”
“Jesus said if you look at a woman lustfully you’ve already committed adultery in your heart.”
“Well, I’ve lusted after you lots of times.”
She half smiled. “That’s okay, but you can’t lust after any other girls.”
“Honestly, I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone but you.”
“Really?” She blushed and looked away.
We walked in silence for a while. It was high tide and we couldn’t walk around the point. I looked for a way up the steep bank where I knew there was a path to the cove.
“Here, I’ll help you up.” I gripped Joanna around the waist and easily lifted her onto a large rock.
I climbed up beside her and we stood face to face. I looked into her beautiful blue eyes.
“Joanna, I’m sorry I looked at those girls. I didn’t even wanna look at them, I’m not interested in them at all. I wish I could just stare at you all day and never notice another girl ever again.”
“Well I guess it’s not all your fault. Girls want guys to notice them and see how pretty they are.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Your instincts make you wanna be beautiful to get our attention, and our instincts make us look. We’re all controlled by instincts.”
We climbed up the bank and found the path that led over the point. She went ahead of me and I got to watch her pretty, little, bikinied behind as I followed her up the hill.
She reached the crest of the hill and turned to face me. “That’s true, it’s the way the world is, everyone’s shallow, everyone’s engrossed in the physical things instead of the spiritual things that really matter. We judge and value everything by appearances, but God sees our hearts.”
I smiled. “You really are wise for a fifteen year old.”
She smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry I got mad at you.”
“I’m sorry too. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She grinned at me. “Was that our first fight?”
“Yeah, it was.” I laughed.
We held hands as we walked from the crest of the hill down the steep path to the cove.
“We have it all to ourselves.” Joanna leapt down onto the white sand and spun around, grinning back at me. She spread out her towel and I lay down beside her on the sand.
She propped her chin on one arm and studied me. “Do you think our relationship will be more serious when you come to Colorado?”
“Yeah, it’s a big thing moving to another state to be with someone. It shows how committed we are.”
“It shows how committed you are. I wanna show you how committed I am.”
“You already have.”
“I wanna show you in a real way, not just with words.”
“Like how?”
Joanna smiled and looked away. “You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
“You’re gonna surprise me with something that’ll show how committed you are to me?”
“Yeah.” Her smile broadened at my puzzlement.
“I know we both want to. . .”
Her smile was replaced with her own look of puzzlement. “Want to what?”
“You know, make love.”
She looked shocked. “My surprise isn’t sex!”
“Oh.” I laughed.
She laughed too. “I know where your mind is.” She smacked my arm. “You thought I was gonna surprise you with sex?”
“I don’t know, I thought you might be planning to sneak out at night to come and be with me or something.”
“Would you let me do that? Would you let me give myself to you?”
I knew I should say no but it was too strong a desire to completely deny. “I don’t know.”
She just looked at me and I could feel a new tension between us.
“Would you want me to?” She asked in a quiet voice, her eyes searching mine.
“Yeah . . . but we can’t. I’m willing to wait for you until you’re ready—”
“We are ready if we’re totally committed to each other.”
“What if we find out later we weren’t right for each other, or one of us wasn’t as committed as we thought?”
“I’m as committed as I say I am.” She looked into my eyes. “If we have sex we’ll be one flesh, and we could never break that bond. If you left me afterwards it would be the same as divorcing me, and I’d never marry anyone else. If I have sex with you I’m committing myself to yo
u for as long as we both live no matter what happens. I love you, Zach, and I’m ready to make that commitment to you for the rest of my life.”
Wow. Until that moment I must have had some unconscious doubts about her love for me, that it was just an infatuation or something, but now I knew how real it was. I didn’t understand how she could love me so much, I felt so undeserving of it. It was scary, but man it felt good to be loved like that by her.
“I just realized something, Joanna. Marriage is more than just a commitment, it’s believing in the other person’s love and commitment to you. It’s having faith in their love.”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Like the faith we have in Jesus’ love.”
“Yeah.” I wished I could give her the same feeling of security her love gave me. I knew that’s what she needed from me. “I believe in you Joanna. I believe in your love and your commitment. I’m scared of it though, it’s such a big thing. It’s like you’re giving me your whole life. I don’t feel ready for it yet. I have to be able to provide for you and for our future. Right now I don’t even know how I could do that. I’m not in college yet, I don’t have a career. I’m only eighteen, and you’re still only fifteen.”
“No one knows what the future holds, Zach. I trust God to work it out. We’ll look after each other and we’ll be happy whether we’re rich or poor. I can work too so it’s not just your responsibility.”
I smiled. “Maybe that’s why men are so scared of commitment—they have an over exaggerated sense of responsibility.”
“Yeah, or they’re scared of being stuck with the same woman for the rest of their lives.”
“I’m not scared of that. I’d love to be stuck with you for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to be loved by you. I don’t even know why you love me so much.”
She smiled. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re honorable and good, you’re a wonderful man, and you love me.”
I didn’t dare look at her I felt so much love for her.
“I want to marry you, Joanna. I just wanna do everything right before God, and right for us, and right for your parents and everyone else. It would be unfair to them if we got married like this without them knowing about it. We should have an actual wedding so they can celebrate it with us.”
“So we have to wait ‘til I’m eighteen? That’s more than two years. Why do we have to wait that long when we feel this way about each other?”
“I don’t know.” I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.
“It’s okay, Zach. Let’s not worry about it.” She leaned over and kissed me so gently, looking into my eyes with her big, soft eyes, not moving away.
“You have no idea how much I want you.” I whispered, my voice strained with emotion.
She didn’t say anything, she just hovered there so close I could feel each breath from her lips on mine. It was like I knew just one kiss and we’d be powerless to stop. Slowly our lips came together setting all my desire free.
I’d been trying so hard to be the sensible one, the responsible one, but with one kiss it was all undone. I needed her so much, the desire overruling everything, all my ‘no’s becoming one big, passionate yes.
She lay back as I kissed her lips, and neck, and body, my mouth caressing the exposed parts of her breasts above her bikini top. She reached up and pulled at her top exposing more of her breast to my hungry mouth, and my tongue explored the sensual area around her nipple. My hands slid down her body to her bikini bottom and she groaned as my fingers caressed her through the thin fabric. She was visibly trembling now and I expected her to stop me, but she didn’t, her eyes willed me on.
Adrenaline surged through me as I started easing her bikini bottom off. She arched her back to aid me, but something in the corner of my eye made me glance up. Someone was there walking on the ridge above the cove. Joanna sat up and quickly rearranged her bikini. We watched as the man disappeared from view.
“Do you think he saw us?”
“I don’t know, he wouldn’t have seen much from that far.” I looked at her and sighed. “It kind of ruined the moment, huh?”
“We can go to your shack?” She looked at me expectantly.
My heart was pounding and I was still reeling with the intensity of my desire, but my mind had cleared enough to think with some sense.
“I think we should go to your campsite and hang with your parents for a while.” I couldn’t read her expression. “This isn’t the right time for us, Joanna. I don’t want us to regret it.”
“What are we gonna do, Zach? How can we wait two years if we feel like this the whole time?”
“It would help if you were actually trying to stop me instead of trying to persuade me to do it.”
She looked surprised and hurt. “I was just telling you how I feel.”
“I know,” I said more gently. “I feel the same way. I don’t know what we can do.”
“I wish we could just make love and not have to worry about it anymore.”
“Me too.” I looked at her lying there with that soft, smooth skin, so beautiful, so desirable. I was starting to feel shaky again.
“We should do it before I go back home to Colorado.”
“Why?”
“‘Cause then I’ll know you won’t forget about me, and you won’t change your mind about coming.”
“Is that what you’re afraid of? Joanna, I could never forget how I feel about you, my whole being longs for you like you’re the missing part of my soul.” I stroked her soft hair. “I couldn’t forget how much I love you and need you in my life.”
“Will you promise to come to Colorado?”
“If I get into college I will. If I don’t get in I don’t know what I’ll do, but I won’t give up on you. It might take me longer but I’ll find a way somehow.”
“I’m scared you’ll just forget about me.”
“I won’t. I’ll find a way to be with you. You’re the one who knew in your heart we were meant for each other. God told you that, remember? I’m sure I’ll get into one of those colleges, and even if I don’t it doesn’t mean our relationship has to end. I might get in next year instead, or we’ll have a long distance relationship until you’re eighteen.”
“That would be so hard. I just wanna know for sure that you’re mine and I’m yours forever.”
“All I can give you is a promise that I love you and I’ll do everything I can to find a way to be with you. That’s all the commitment I can give right now.”
She had tears in her eyes but she smiled up at me, and I hugged her.
These relationship conversations were too intense.
“I’m gonna go take a shower and cool off. I’ll come see you after dinner?”
“I could come with you.” She smiled a little smile. “We won’t do anything.”
For a second I let myself consider it. “We better not.”
“We could have a shower together.” She grinned impishly.
I laughed. “You’re too dangerous for me right now.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”
“You’re driving me crazy.” I smiled to soften my words. “I’ll come see you tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” She pouted.
“Hey, I love you.” I lifted her chin, smiling into her pretty face, and she couldn’t resist smiling back.
We walked up the hill and went our separate ways.
I needed to get away from her for a while. She really was driving me crazy. I thought it would be easier after I became a Christian but it’s even harder now. We were so close to doing it. It’s like there’s a point of no return and once you cross it you can’t stop.
What should I do, God? Should we just have sex and get it over with? Would it be a sin if we did?
Back at the shack I took a quick shower then went to the house to make myself a snack. My mom had given up making dinner for me since I was never there anymore. I took my sandwich back to my room and got out my paints. Painting would help me relax and not have to think about th
ings for a while, and I still needed to paint my self-portrait for Joanna before she left. I studied myself in the mirror then started to paint.
It went well at first, but I couldn’t get my face right. For some reason I was finding it really difficult to paint myself. Eventually I got so frustrated with it I wanted to slash my brush across its face. I gave up and decided to go see Joanna before it got any later.
It was already dark when I got to their campsite. She was sitting by herself, and by the light of the lantern she didn’t look happy.
“What took you so long? I’ve been waiting here for ages.”
“Sorry, I was working on something and lost track of the time.”
“What were you working on?”
“Just something. It’s a surprise. Where are your parents?”
“They went out. What’s the surprise?”
“Nothing, I’m not even sure I can finish it.”
“Your self portrait?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “Good guess.”
“I wanna see it.”
“No, it’s really bad.”
“Maybe I can help you with it? I could give you some suggestions, I probably know your face better than you do.”
“Where did your parents go? It’s strange they left you here on your own.”
“They went to a theater under the stars thing. I didn’t wanna go.”
“When are they coming back?”
“I donno. Not for a while.”
“Hmm, what can we get up to while they’re not here?” I raised my eyebrows suggestively and she laughed.
“I could show you my messy tent if you want?”
“Okay.” I laughed.
She took the lantern and we went inside her tent. It was a big mess of clothes all over the floor. I saw her airbed and sleeping bag, and then I spotted her nightgown on the floor.
“Hey, I’d love to see you in that thing again.” I was already excited at the thought of it.
She looked at me then smiled. “Okay, but you’ve gotta turn around while I put it on.”
“Turn around?”
“Yes.” Her smile widened. “You wanted me to stop us going too far, so I can’t let you see me naked anymore. Turn around.”
