by Mj Fields
She looks at me curiously before I toss them out the window.
“No more of that shit.”
She laughs, leaning in for a kiss, and I give her two.
***
I watch her sleep in Brandon’s bed. She’s beautiful, and she’s mine.
I hate what that doctor said; that although she’s technically considered a month pregnant, it’s just shy of two weeks and anything can happen. He told us not to be upset if things don’t work out.
Doubt, that shit is almost as bad as hate, as lies. Doubt can be poisonous to people. After the past few weeks, doubt can kiss my fucking ass.
“She good?”
I look behind me and see Gage. He looks pretty fucked up, and I’m guessing it’s because of what he saw last night.
“She is,” I answer before looking back at her.
“How fucked up is all this?”
“Fucked up. But can’t be anymore. Just can’t.” I look back at him to see he nods. “Fucking dying to shout to the damn world how much she means to me, how much she’s done for me, how much I fucked things up back then,” I tell him. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“All played a hand in it.” He shrugs. “Life’s like that. Never could look deeper because we’d have to dig through all that horrible shit. That’s what my girlfriend, the shrink, says.” He laughs.
“She’s all right, I guess,” I joke.
“She’s fucking everything. All this shit didn’t come out, I’d have never met her. She wasn’t tough as nails and some sort of badass”—he laughs—”I’d have never given her a second chance.”
“Happy for you.” I nod. “Still—”
“Still nothing.” He grips my shoulder. “As Mags says, everything happens—”
“For a reason.” I look down and shake my head. “Keep it under locks if I tell you something?”
He chuckles. “You really have to ask?”
“Juliana is pregnant,” I whisper.
He says nothing, not a thing. Then he smiles. “Jesus Christ, I am—”
“Doctor warned us it’s too early, but I know.” I hit my chest. “I know.”
“I have a newfound hatred for doctors,” he comments, looking in at her.
“No shit. Fucking Hippocratic Oath, my ass.”
He looks down. “Hoping to be in the same boat soon. I wanna get her little ass knocked up.”
“Hope you do, man. Hope we all can fucking live and breed.” I laugh.
“You mean, breathe.”
“The hell I do,” I joke. “Breathing just gets easier when you have more to worry about than you and your shit.”
He nods. “Ain’t that the truth.”
“Got a favor to ask.”
He nods again. “Shoot.”
“Wanna take Brand to get a haircut and do a little shopping. I prefer she doesn’t know about the shopping.”
“He’s yours, man. Proved your worth of the name Dad. No need to ask.”
I know as easy as the words fall from his lips that it still hurts.
I tell him the truth, and nothing but. “He’s ours—all of ours. He’s a Falcon.”
***
“What kind of haircuts do cowboys get, Dad?” Brand asks as he climbs up in the barber chair.
“Not sure if there’s a specific cut they get. It’s more about the man’s heart, his drive, the way he is—protective, loyal, sense of humor, good manners, and most importantly, he has to know how to treat his little lady.” I use the voice, and he smiles. “And his family. As far as a haircut...” I look back to make sure the barber hears my instructions. “I know I’m getting the back and sides cut short and keeping the top long enough”—I pause because saying for your mom to yank on is totally true, yet also all sorts of inappropriate—”to keep the sun off it.”
“Can I get the same, too?” he asks, eyes—his mom’s eyes—just fucking shining with excitement.
I lean in and give him a harsh and thorough look over. He straightens in his chair and gives me a stern look back. I want to fucking laugh at how damn adorable he is, but he’s into this shit deep, and more honestly, it’s necessary.
I wish my old man had shown us what the fuck a man is supposed to be. My mom’s balls are bigger. I have always looked up to Gage more in a fucked-up sort of way. That view is no longer tainted by childlike jealousy or insecurity.
“You most definitely can.” I nod.
His face lights up, and he does a little fist pump thing as he whispers, “Yes!”
I sit back as the barber puts the cape over me, and the other does the same to Brandon.
“Dad?”
I look over. “Yeah, Brand?”
“When can I get the horse?”
I laugh, and he smiles. “We need to make damn sure everything is ready for them. Gotta fill those holes, line up the farmers and truckers to deliver hay.” I pause. “Build a hay barn. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us before we start adding to our family.”
“And we have to fix up the house for Mom,” he says as the cape goes over him.
“That’s right; we do.”
He shrugs. “Gage told me that.”
“Man’s wise beyond years. Always someone to look up to.”
“I love him.” He’s testing the waters, seeing how I may react.
“Me, too.”
He smiles then focuses forward.
***
Three hours later, Brand is still grinning from ear-to-ear. I can’t help doing the same. Little man wanted the top a little narrower than I was thinking. He’s sporting a near Mohawk, and he looks like a little badass, missing a front tooth and all.
As we pull up the road, he looks over. “Dad, do I look older?”
“Older than five?” I ask, and he nods, all serious-like. “Sure do.”
“Like ten?” he asks.
No clue why he’s asking, but honestly, he’s tall for a five-year-old, genetically inclined. “At least ten.”
May not be the total truth, but it makes him happy.
“You know, the Steels are all leaving tomorrow,” he says as we get closer.
“Gonna have people in and out of here a lot,” I tell him. “The good ones will come back.”
“Do you think Bell and her family will come back?”
When I look at him, his eyes widen as if he said something he shouldn’t. Now I get it. He has a crush.
“Yeah, Brand, they’ll be back.”
He nods, sits back, and looks relieved.
“You don’t have to help me out tonight if you got plans of your own,” I tell him.
He holds up the two boxes in his hand and looks at them. Then he looks at me. “Dad?”
“Yeah, Brand.”
“Does Mom need two?”
He holds the boxes up. Shit, he wants to give her one.
I stop the truck and put it in reverse.
“Where we going?”
“Can’t give a little girl a gift like that, Brand. You’ll scare her and piss her dad off.” I laugh.
“Why would it scare her?”
Fuck, being a dad isn’t so damn easy after all.
“Well, first, a cowboy needs to wait until he’s, like, my age to ask a question like that. Second, you’re gonna meet a lot of pretty little ladies over the next twenty years.”
“I love her, Dad.” His words are a five-year-old version of fact.
Double shit.
“I get it, but let’s start with a promise type gift, then.”
“What’s that mean?” he asks as I pull back out onto the road.
I think really damn hard and try to pull something out of my ass that makes sense to a five-year-old.
“Cowboys need to plan for things. Like we are doing for the horses. Gotta build the fence first, you know. If not, the horses will get out and wander off. May get hurt and may not ever come back.”
“Like you did when you got sick?” he asks.
Triple shit.
“Kind of.” Fu
ck, man, redirect, I tell myself. “Forever should be taken in steps. Friendship, that’s the first step.”
“She’s my friend,” he tells me.
“I know, Brand, I know.” I pat his knee. “Now, let’s go make sure she doesn’t forget you, because both of you are going to be busy growing, and although we don’t put women in fences—”
“We put them in houses,” he tacks on.
“Yep, but not until they get older.” I redirect once again.
“Okay.” He nods.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Mags’ Girl
Juliana
It’s raining outside, and all the kids and adults are in the downstairs family room. Well, all but Garrett and Grayson. They are at the cabin, doing some work.
When he and Brandon came home from getting haircuts, I was shocked at the way Brandon looked. Gone are the wavy locks of my baby boy, and in was a Mohawk. Garrett swears it’s not, but I disagree. Regardless, Brandon loves it, and because it’s long on top, he still has some of those waves.
When Bell Steel told him he looked adorable, his little face fell, and with it, my heart nearly broke. Jase’s wife Carly looked at me and mouthed “Aw.” I know she felt it, too, the little breaking of my son’s heart.
Garrett, sweet Jesus, it was hard to look at him. His hair is just like it was when we met. And his beard, well, it is now trimmed up, making him look younger, lighter, happier.
Brandon is sitting next to me, watching a John Wayne movie. Yes, John Wayne. He and Garrett came home with a whole bag of DVDs from their trip to the store, which I slept through.
Brand asks frequently if I need anything, which of course, gets all sorts of sweet looks.
He is so loved, so incredibly loved, by a family of people just like his dad Garrett, a man I know down deep is everything I want and more.
I look around the living room at all the people I once hid from. My eyes land on Mags who is sitting next to me.
“View’s much better from the same side of the window, isn’t it, my girl?” Mags asks.
My girl. She called me my girl, and it warms my heart.
When I don’t say anything, she pats my hand. “Never once didn’t think of you that way. You just made it hard to say. Kept people at arm’s length.” Then she laughs. “Good thing, too. Can you imagine if Gage fell ass over tea kettle? I’d have two battered and beaten boys to deal with.”
I give a weak smile, knowing she means well, but I hate that I caused this problem to begin with.
Brandon looks up at Mags, and she looks at her watch, gives him a nod, and he stands up.
“Wanna come with me?”
“Where?” I ask, taking his hand and standing.
I see him reach out and take a key from Mags.
“For a walk.” He holds it up.
I look out the window. “It’s raining still, Brand. Can we wait?”
He looks at Mags.
“I’ll take you down in the buggy,” Mags says, grabbing her cane.
“Thanks, Mags.” He nods and shoves his hand in his pocket.
“Mags.” Gage stops her and points to the doors. “Not raining anymore.”
She looks at him differently than I have ever seen. She looks annoyed, which makes him laugh.
She points at him. “It’s not funny, my boy.”
“Sure is. How about you come back over and have a seat?” He shakes his head. “Brand, you good?”
He nods. “Yep.”
“Go.” He nods to the door.
Getting on Mags’ scooter, I look at Brandon. “I have no idea how to drive this thing.”
“I know how. I’ll show you.” He smiles big as I move so he can sit next to me.
He does well, but needs a little assistance.
When we get to the cabin, I see that there have been some changes. I look at him with a shocked expression, and he giggles.
“I did good keeping a secret, huh, Mom?” he asks as he hops off the scooter.
“I would certainly say so.”
The area where the outdoor shower was, is now a room. It’s the same length as the whole cabin.
I turn my body and look down. Brandon is on one knee with a little black velvet jewelry box in his hand.
“What—”
The sound of a guitar stops me, and I look up to see Grayson sitting on the picnic table where I saw Garrett for the first time in over six years.
“Mommy.” Brandon’s voice brings me back to look at him. He opens the box, and I see a necklace with the number twenty-five in tiny, little diamonds.
“My dad said he loves you, Mommy. He said he fell in love this many seconds from the first time he met you.” He points at the number.
“Twenty-five,” I tell him, my voice cracking.
“Yep, twenty-five. He said it’s a special number because this number means twenty-five seconds, room 25, and he’s twenty-five. He said he’ll love you for that many”—he pauses and scratches his little Mohawk hair—”lifetimes? Yeah, that. And Mommy, that’s a lot of lifetimes.”
“It is.” I nod.
“He wants to marry you, Mommy. He said he wants to now.” He smiles. “But he wants a wedding in a church because he said he knows God brought him an angel, and she gave him another one.” He points to himself. “Me.”
I nod as I wipe a fallen tear. “And what do you think, Brandon?”
He nods and looks at me. “Mommy, I never saw you so happy, so I think maybe he’s your angel. And I’m thinking that you should say yes.”
I start to answer him when he stands up.
“You gotta wait till he asks you, though, little lady.” He reaches up. “And I gotta put this on you so he knows you are gonna say yes.”
“Yeah?” I ask as I bend down.
“Yep.”
He tries really hard to clasp the necklace with the twenty-five on it, but gets frustrated.
“Can you help me, Mom?”
“Of course,” I say and quickly get it clasped.
Brand looks at Grayson and gives him a thumbs-up. Then Grayson begins playing louder now as Brandon takes my hand.
“Wanna dance?”
I nod. “I sure would like to try.”
“Just do the best you can, Mommy,” he says then blows out a slow, nervous breath. “That’s what I’m gonna do.”
“That’s all any of us can do.”
He holds his hands up, and I take them. We don’t move. We just kind of sway, but it works.
“Mind if I cut in?”
I look behind me to see Garrett standing there.
“That’s the plan,” Brandon says and steps back.
Garrett picks me up so I’m eye level with him. “Love you, Juliana. Always have.”
I put my arms around his neck and bury my face into it. “I love you, Garrett.”
“I’ve been a rolling stone all my life. Flying all alone, flying blind. I’ve seen it all. I’ve been around. I’ve been lost, and I’ve been found. But who I am with you is who I really wanna be. You’re so good for me.” Grayson’s voice fills the evening air as Garrett hold me tight against him and moves our bodies in a slow circle. I’m lost in his voice that carries words of a song I know Garrett picked for me.
When the song ends, I don’t lift my head. I keep it buried, knowing what’s coming. I have dreamed about it for years now, and now...now that dream, prayer, wish, it’s all coming, and I don’t know how to stop these emotions, the ones carried out through tears.
When my butt lands softly on a hard surface and Garrett steps back, I wipe them away.
“Juliana,” he says as he swallows back emotions I see in his beautiful brown eyes as he kneels in front of me. “I was destroyed years ago. I was broken beyond my own comprehension. I knew nothing in my life could or would ever be good...until I saw the same in a girl who didn’t fucking deserve it any more than I did. It took twenty-five seconds to want to make you smile. When I did, when I saw you smile, everything I thought I could or would n
ever be as a man or do as a human became possible. Hell, it became a new addiction.”
He pulls a black velvet box out of his pocket, just like the one Brandon had. “There never was, never has been, and never will be anyone in my life that I need like I need you. There never was, never has been, and never will be anyone in my life that I want to protect. There never was, never has been, and never will be anyone in my life that I could possibly love as much as I do you. Marry me, love me forever, love me for twenty-five lifetimes, Juliana. You are my first love. My only love. Always mine. Forever mine. Marry me, Juliana.”
I nod, and he stands, dropping the box beside me, before he cups my face in his hands and kisses me.
***
I watch as Garrett and Brandon sit on the floor of the cabin, looking through the boxes of pictures I intended on bring back here to show him everything he missed. I am sitting on a small album, one I kept hidden for the day I dreamt of, the day Garrett would finally come back and be part of Brandon’s life. As the years went by, I gave up on the forever he and I dreamed, but I knew, I knew down deep, he would be in Brandon’s life in some capacity.
Tucked in the pages is the red flash drive, the one I made videos on, videos of me talking to him. The most recent years were filled with something simple, like Brandon got a fish, or he learned to tie his shoes. The beginning, while my heart was still slowly breaking, those were different.
I want him to see them all, and not to hurt him, but so he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have loved him the same as he repeatedly tells me. He was my first love. My only love. Always mine. Forever mine, too.
Chapter Thirty
Memories
Garrett
The bathroom and kitchen addition is a hit. Right now, we have a tub that looks like a very oversized, galvanized bucket without the handle. The two sinks sitting on what is now the counter are smaller versions. Hanging over both are detachable showerheads that Brand thinks are amazing.
The kitchen is extended out there, too. I wanted an island, a place to sit and chat, eat breakfast, make Christmas cookies and jam with Juliana and our children. I’m going to pour concrete countertops in both the kitchen and the bathroom after we pour the heated floors in them both. The water, the floors, and the house will be heated by an outdoor wood furnace. Hell, someday I want a pool to be heated that way, as well.
