by Jill Shalvis
He didn’t want a home, not ever again. It was bad enough he’d been stuck out on the ranch for as long as he had with his case. No, what he needed was to get out, to be free without any restraints, and he needed this with a violent urgency he nearly couldn’t contain.
He had other cases, he reminded himself. Plenty of them. And all along, when the coziness and warmth of the Triple M had gotten too much for him, when it reminded him of things better left in his past, he’d used those cases to run.
But he’d always come back.
He was going to have to remedy that.
Easier said than done, because that night, when he could have been working or reading or even sleeping, he lay in bed in his lonely hotel room and studied the ceiling. Thinking.
Yearning. Aching.
Watching Delia tonight had been heartbreaking.
Jacob was a small kid, but with eyes as sharp as a tack. He didn’t miss much, and certainly not the fact that Delia was trying to please both him and Scott.
Jacob had weaseled a shocking amount of quarters out of her, then managed to snub her when she offered to play some of the games with him, instead choosing Scott, who’d looked delighted at the invitation.
Unintentional or not, Scott hadn’t helped matters any, because his mere presence made it easy for Jacob to ignore Delia.
Cade figured all Jacob needed was to be told Delia was his sister and that was that. Family was family. The kid was decent, but he was wary and afraid, almost as if he needed to give himself permission to accept Delia.
Cade had wanted to do that for her, to slam his hands on the table and tell Jacob to listen up and face facts. He’d wanted…to act like a father.
Wasn’t that a joke. He’d had his one shot at being a father, a husband, too. His family had loved him in spite of all his faults, and he’d returned that love with all his unscarred heart. But he’d failed them, and because of that, had caused their deaths, no matter how inadvertently.
Wouldn’t everyone who knew him now be shocked to know that? Shocked to know he did everything in his power to not think about it? That he used his job to hide from his past?
Yeah, maybe thinking about the hauntingly beautiful Delia helped a little, helped him forget his weaknesses, but he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve a second shot at happiness.
Ever.
Chapter 5
“The house looks perfect, Delia. You really outdid yourself.” Maddie smiled as she came into the front room, which would serve as the living room and reception area for their guests.
Delia looked around at the old but polished wood floors, at the antique furniture they’d hauled down from the attic and cleaned, at the huge picture windows that so perfectly showcased the mountains in the distance.
“I didn’t get that highest window clean enough,” Delia murmured, seeing a smudge nearly twelve feet up, close to the open-beam ceilings. “I just need to get a ladder and—”
“And nothing,” Maddie said firmly, coming closer. “Honey, you’ve been working for two days solid, ten hours a day, ever since you got back from L.A. You can’t keep up this pace. You’re going to get sick.”
“Hard work never hurt anyone. But that window—”
“Is far more fine than you. You’re exhausted.”
“I’m just going to—”
“Take a break,” Maddie said smoothly, snatching Delia’s rag from her hand. “You’re going to take a break and tell me what’s going on, what’s hurting you inside so much that you’re working yourself to death.”
“Don’t be silly.”
Maddie didn’t back down, just kept her caring gaze steadily on Delia. “I thought you said it went fine with Jacob.”
Delia tried to draw a steady breath and couldn’t, nor could she find her calm. She’d been holding back for days now, and it was killing her.
God help her, she’d actually lied to her sisters. She already felt so useless to the ranch. So unnecessary. The shame of failing with her brother had been too much to bear, so instead of telling them the truth—that Jacob had been less than thrilled with the thought of having her as a sister or moving to Idaho—she’d been noncommittal about the entire trip.
And Cade. She’d been noncommittal about him, too.
Maddie was looking at her much as a worried mom would a wayward child, which never failed to make the usually cool-as-a-cucumber Delia squirm. No one, certainly not she or Zoe, could ever hold up against that stare.
Which was funny because Maddie was a small woman, with the delicate features of a porcelain doll. But she wasn’t nearly as frail as she looked, not even close. After twenty years together, Delia thought, she should know.
When they’d been young, Maddie hadn’t been able to speak at first. No one knew what had caused this trauma, and Delia and Zoe didn’t know to this day, only that she’d come from some horrible situation. But with Delia and Zoe watching out for her, eventually Maddie had learned to both speak and smile and even laugh.
Now, years later, Delia was convinced Maddie was the strongest of all three of them. So strong that Delia could come clean and sob out all her woes, but she didn’t. She held back with an effort that had her at the end of her rope. But she had to, had to be strong to get through this.
Eyes narrowed in deep concern, Maddie came closer while Delia tried to act tough.
“I’m not going to stand by and let you keep your hurts to yourself,” Maddie told her gently. “Share.”
“Maddie.” Delia managed a laugh. “Come on. We have guests coming tomorrow. We have Zoe’s wedding in three weeks. There’s a million things we need to be doing, not to mention the wedding dress and two bridesmaid dresses I’m still working on, all by myself I might add, since the two of you are so pathetic with a needle and thread, and none of it involves spilling my guts—”
Maddie reached out and hugged her tightly.
Delia nearly cracked. While she returned the hug, soothed by Maddie’s warm arms, she fought for control. And just barely found it.
“Always so strong,” Maddie murmured, stroking Delia’s hair. “So independent. It’s okay to need someone, Delia. To ask for help. Maybe you’ll feel better.”
Help. She had always had a problem asking, mostly because she had learned at an early age that asking meant showing weakness, and showing weakness left her vulnerable.
But this was Maddie, her sister, and one of the two people in the world who loved her unconditionally. She could ask for anything and nothing would be refused.
And wasn’t that the problem? The same thought continued to haunt her. How could she put her brother’s needs before her sister’s? She had no right to ask anyone to give up their dream for hers, no right at all.
“Jacob is okay, right?” Maddie asked
“Yes, he’s…fine.” He hates me, but he’s fine.
“And the custody hearing is still on. The judge is still considering you?”
“Yes.” Until he looks at my background, combines that with the utter lack of financial security. Not to mention Scott, whom I didn’t exactly bowl over with my winning personality.
“Well, I, for one, can’t wait to get him here and mother him to death.” Maddie’s smile was soft and full of affection as she pulled back. “He’s going to have all the family he ever wanted. It’s going to be perfect.”
“It is.” She hoped.
But Maddie wasn’t done fretting. “You’re not nervous about the guests?”
“No.” Delia did smile at that, for this was one thing she was looking forward to. It would certainly keep both her mind and body busy. “But those windows are stressing me out, so—”
“It’s Cade, isn’t it?”
Delia dropped the bottle of cleaner. Slowly she retrieved it. It took some effort to make sure her voice, when she replied, would be steady, because just hearing his name evoked all sorts of images, mostly being held in those big warm arms and receiving a kiss that days later could still make her knees wobble. “What does
he have to do with anything?”
Maddie gave her a long look. “Gee, other than the fact you can’t say his name, I don’t know. What does he have to do with anything?”
“Nothing. I don’t know why you’d say it.”
“And if someone else says his name, your claws come out.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Maddie crossed her arms and lifted a brow. “Not to mention what happens to you when he walks into the room.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Delia scoffed. But what was really ridiculous was that she was a tough sophisticated city girl and hadn’t yet managed in all her twenty-six years to lose her virginity. She wasn’t sure why exactly, other than that no one had ever come close to making her feel half of what Cade had with one kiss. And yet to him, she was just a case. Probably a nuisance, to boot. He was a roamer, and when he was done here, he’d move on. “Nothing happens when he walks into the room.”
Maddie smiled and shook her head, her eyes full of sympathy and humor. “Oh, honey. Something happens all right.”
“If you think so, you need glasses.”
“You react.”
“Of course I react. It’s a full-blown allergic reaction. The man gives me hives.”
“The man?” The usually somber Maddie burst out laughing. “Cade. His name is Cade. Come on, I bet it rolls right off your tongue. Try it.”
“Yeah. You might like it.”
Cade had come into the room—how long ago? Delia wondered wildly—and stood there watching her, his eyes hooded. His arms were crossed over his chest, and on his face, damn him, his laughing mocking face, was the knowledge of what he could—and had—done to her with just one touch.
“Cade.” Maddie squeezed Delia’s arm gently, meant to both soothe and warn. “We were just talking about you. I’m making your favorite for dinner—pot roast. You’ll stay?”
He smiled at her, his grin crooked, endearing and just a little reckless. “Thanks, it sounds terrific, but I can’t. I’m…going.”
“You’re leaving? I thought you and Ty were busy with the repairs on the back fencing.”
“We’ve finally finished.” Languidly, he stretched his back and shoulder muscles, which were clearly outlined beneath his snug T-shirt, and Delia felt a powerful need to rub up against him, a need she assured herself was immature, no matter how hot and deep the ache was.
“You worked so hard.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “And given my aches and creaks, I’m getting old. Man, this cowboy stuff is hard work. I gotta hand it to Ty. He’s amazing.”
He was leaving, was all Delia could think. Going back to the city, probably, and his other cases. Fine. More than fine, actually. Good.
So why did she feel a funny pang in her midsection?
Indigestion.
“I hope Ty thanked you for staying and helping us get ready to open. We needed all the extra hands we could get, but we know you have a life away from here, as well.” Maddie squeezed Delia’s hands again, another warning. “Don’t we, Delia?”
A not-so-subtle hint to add her own thank-you. Good manners had Delia opening her mouth to do just that, but the words stuck in her throat.
She’d managed to avoid him since they’d returned from Los Angeles. It hadn’t been difficult, especially since he had done his own avoiding.
Not exactly complimentary, Delia thought with a frown.
It was one thing for her to need her own space, but she didn’t think she liked him needing his as well. “Going back to Boise?” she asked coolly.
“For a day or so.” He lifted one broad shoulder. “I’ll be traveling. Have some things to check out.”
“The exciting life of a private investigator,” Maddie said smiling. “You enjoy this part.”
“Very much,” he admitted. When he glanced at the door, something inside Delia hardened.
He can’t wait to leave.
Never in her life had she felt the urge to cling. She certainly wouldn’t start now. But he wanted to leave, couldn’t wait to leave, and it was because of her.
The knowledge was deflating. “Well, we don’t want to keep you,” she said.
Maddie sent Delia a meaningful glare. She wanted Delia to join her in convincing Cade to stay. “Are you sure you can’t rearrange things to be here for the grand opening?” Maddie asked him while nudging Delia.
Delia said nothing, didn’t add her own request for him to stay. Maddie was on her own there.
Realizing that, her sister sighed. “You’ve worked so hard to help us,” Maddie said to Cade. “It’d be a shame if you had to leave just one day before watching how it all turns out.”
Cade looked at Delia, as if waiting for her to second Maddie’s sentiments.
Did he expect her to beg? Ha! He’d have a long wait if he was. She never begged.
Besides, she wanted him gone.
She did. And if she said it often enough she might believe it.
“I have things that have to be done,” he said, and Maddie made another sound of disappointment.
“I know you’ve spent this past year going back and forth, trying to fit Constance’s case into your heavy workload,” Maddie said. “But it seemed that lately you spent more and more time here, which we loved. You’re a part of our family now, Cade.” She smiled into his surprised face. “And I got used to you being here. We hate to see you go.”
“I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I never meant to integrate myself so completely here or to disrupt—”
“Don’t you dare apologize!” Maddie said fiercely. “You’re welcome here, as much as I am or Ty or Zoe or Delia. You belong here—”
“No,” he said quickly. “I don’t belong here or…” He fell silent, and looked out the window.
Or…anywhere? Was that what he’d been about to say? Delia wondered. Was that why he was always on the run? He didn’t feel as though he belonged anywhere?
For all that Cade McKnight seemed an open book—adventurous, carefree, rugged and tough—she realized there was much about him she didn’t know.
Didn’t want to know, she corrected.
“You need to go,” Maddie said softly, coming to terms with his imminent departure.
Cade smiled at her, without the wariness that had been there when he’d looked at Delia. “Yeah.”
“I understand,” Maddie whispered. “The need to go.”
Delia hadn’t been able to take her eyes off Cade, so that when he suddenly turned his head to look at her again, she was caught.
Something passed between them, something Delia didn’t want to acknowledge, but given the bemusement on his face, he didn’t want to acknowledge it, either.
It baffled her, this strange thing that seemed to happen to them whenever they were within close proximity. They had nothing in common, they had completely different goals in life, and yet…there was something that helplessly drew her to him.
But she could control it. She could control all her emotions.
Maddie was still watching the two of them. “Maybe the things you have to go do,” she said quietly to Cade, “maybe they could wait for just one more day so you could enjoy all the work you’ve put into the Triple M?”
When Cade didn’t speak, but continued to hold Delia’s gaze, Maddie gave a small knowing smile that Cade missed.
Delia did not, and she sent her sister a warning glance.
With a long-practiced skill, Maddie ignored her and moved to the door. “I think I’ll just check on dinner…” She patted Cade’s arm and smiled again when he didn’t break eye contact with Delia. “And leave you two alone to talk this out.”
“Talk what out?” Delia demanded, but Maddie was gone and Cade was still staring at her, as if he was angry and hurt and confused all at once.
“Why are you always staring at me like that?” Delia asked.
“I haven’t a clue,” he muttered. “But I’m outta here.”
“Fine. Great.” Then
words popped right out of her mouth before she could stop them. “Miss my sister’s pot roast and the first guests and everything, I certainly don’t care.”
He’d turned toward the door, but went absolutely still at her words, so carelessly tossed out, in spite of the tightness in her chest. “What are you saying?” he asked, still facing the door. “That you don’t think I should go?”
She stared at his taut sleek back, her heart racing out of control, and she had no idea why. “No, of course not. I’m just saying it’s really great pot roast, and we all know she made it specially for you, anyway.”
Slowly he turned around, his expression carefully masked. “You don’t want me to go.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care what you do. Go. Stay. It’s all the same to me, even if one of the first guests, Tom something or other, is one of your previous clients and is only coming because you recommended him.”
“You don’t want me to go,” he repeated, sounding shocked. “Damn, Delia.” In two long-legged strides, he walked toward her and hauled her into his arms, bringing her face close to his tormented one. “What the hell am I going to do with you?”
If she thought her heart had been pounding before at just the sight of him, it was nothing compared to what happened now, when his hands were on her, and his mouth so close to hers she could almost taste him. “You could kiss me again,” she whispered, shaken to the core at her wanton suggestion, but not about to take it back.
“I could,” he whispered back. “But I’m still leaving.”
“Good. Can’t wait. Now kiss me, Cade.”
“I might.” He moved a fraction so that their lips nearly touched. “I also might stay for pot roast.”
“And the guests.” Was that her voice, all husky and breathless? “Don’t forget the guests. You should probably stay long enough to see them, at least.”
“Just to make sure everything goes smoothly. Then I’ll go.”
“I’ll be counting the minutes until you do. Now kiss me.”
“I suppose I could spare one little goodbye kiss.”
“Big of you.”
“Yes,” he agreed, shifting slightly so that their hips brushed once, twice, allowing her to feel the hardness of him.
