by Lisa Hobman
She summoned up some strength from somewhere and turned to him once more. ‘Greg, you’re my closest friend here. If I don’t have you then I may as well go home, back to Yorkshire.’
He turned his lips up into a menacing grimace. ‘I don’t do ultimatums,’ he stated coldly.
‘Please don’t be like this,’ she pleaded. What else could she do?
He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again his gaze had softened. ‘Mallory. We’ve reached an impasse. I want what you can’t give. Enough said. It’s over. I can’t pretend to be just friends with you anymore,’ he choked on his words. ‘Now for fuck’s sake just go!’
She ran to her car and started the engine. She looked back at the house hoping for a glimpse of him coming out to chase after her. To apologise and take back what he had said. She waited. He never came.
*
‘You fucking IDIOT!’ Greg shouted as he slammed his fist into the wall. Tears sprang to his eyes caused by a combination of physical pain from the impact and emotional pain from the realisation of what he had just allowed to happen. He had just practically jettisoned the best friend he’d ever had. The only person he could actually call ‘friend.’ He stomped over to the window. Her car was still there. Why? What was she doing? Should he go out to her? God, he wanted to go out to her so much. His fists clenched.
He went to the door but stopped when he heard the engine of her silly little car start up. She was so going to need a bigger car come winter. That is if he hadn’t just scared her away; which he most probably had, after all she had said she might as well return to Yorkshire. And maybe when all’s said and done that would be the best thing for everyone. Well done Greg. You’ve really done it this time, you fucking arsehole, he mentally persecuted himself, knowing full well that if she did leave it would break his heart.
He understood it was still raw for her. But he knew that they could be great together. Why wouldn’t she just look at him through different eyes? Okay, so he was eight years older, but as he had always said, age is just a number.
She had been so wonderful about the memorial for Mairi last month. So, selfless in her own grief. All he had wanted to do was hold her, kiss her even. He knew she was hurting too, but she did all that for him.
God, the way she had looked that night at the beach. She was stunning in the way she just didn’t acknowledge her own beauty. He had said goodbye to Mairi, but only because she had given him the opportunity. He would never have done anything like that alone. And it had helped, in spite of his breakdown yesterday. Part of that was because he had realised his feelings for Mallory and everything felt so lost.
Mallory was such a special woman and he had just blown everything. How could he make it up to her now? He had fallen for her even though he didn’t want to. It had just happened. The timing was terrible. He knew that. Why didn’t she feel the same? Probably because at every given opportunity he did or said the totally wrong thing. He was so angry, but at himself; not at her. She won’t have seen that though. She clearly thought his anger was directed at her. And why wouldn’t she after how he’d behaved.
*
Mallory arrived home from Greg’s feeling heartbroken and shell-shocked. She collapsed onto the sofa sobbing into the cushion and Ruby jumped onto her lap to see what was wrong and offer what comfort she could.
She was angry with herself for feeling something for Greg. She couldn’t allow it to continue. But she did feel something. She hated herself for it. It was far too early after losing Sam, wasn’t it? Why then, when he got close to her, had she yearned for him to kiss her? And why did she feel so lost now he had rejected her hand of friendship? Was it just that she craved physical contact? Is that all it was? Lust? Sex? She had never been that ‘type’ before so why would she start now? Was it down to the fact that she missed being intimate with someone? Or was it simply that kindred connection due to their mutual grief? Maybe she was reading too much into it and her feelings were just platonic? Sadly, she knew that wasn’t the case which in turn made her feel terrible. My God Sam has only been gone a few months, what kind of person am I?
She washed her face and made coffee, simply needing something to take her mind off everything. After not spending much time out there, the garden was a little overgrown again, so she decided she’d make a start on tidying it up. If she decided to sell up, she would need it to be tidy. Maybe selling up was for the best? Maybe being here wasn’t healthy after all? Maybe she should just be in Yorkshire where she could work in the shop and forget ever moving here. It was a possibility.
She heard the letter box clatter but ignored it. She no longer made an excited dash for the post. It was usually stuff still addressed to Sam, even though she’d written what felt like a million letters telling people he was deceased. She would sit and drink her coffee at leisure and then she’d start on the garden.
Half an hour later she was ready to change into her scruffy gardening clothes, so she placed her empty mug in the sink and walked through the lounge towards the stairs. Sure enough, there was an envelope on the doormat which she picked up and, without even looking at it, put it on the mantle to deal with later.
She pulled on an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt and headed out for the garden. The weeds had taken over with a vengeance. She tugged and pulled and made a huge pile of discarded leaves and stalks, clipping things back but paying little regard to the fact that this time of year may not be the right time to do so. She didn’t care. She just wanted to chop things and dig. She needed to exert some energy and get Greg out of her head. Her attempts were futile, however; the analytical side of her brain wouldn’t back down.
Her feelings were vexing to say the least. But she finally had to admit she had felt something for a while. Looking back, there had been a stab of jealousy when she’d met that Trina woman. So once again, she questioned her state of mind.
The rain began to fall in earnest but she carried on working for a while. When it got heavier she decided to give up for the day. She had been at it for a few hours and the garden was looking much tidier. She had made good progress. It was only four o’clock but it was quite dark now and in the air was a strange thick feeling, like there could be a storm on its way.
She grabbed a towel from the downstairs bathroom and scrunched it around her ponytail to soak up as much rain as she could from her hair. Then she dabbed her face. She noticed the envelope sitting there on the mantle and realised it was handwritten but had no stamp on the front. It was addressed to her and curiosity got the better of her.
Inside the envelope was a CD and a note. The CD wasn’t a shop-bought pre-recorded one. It was blank apart from the words ‘For Mallory – I’m sorry – again.’ She opened the note that accompanied it.
Mallory, once again I’ve proved myself unworthy of your friendship and most definitely of anything else. Since meeting you I appear to have lost the ability to communicate my feelings like an adult. In fact, I’m not sure I ever could. I made you cry again which makes me sick to my stomach. Please listen to the tracks on the CD. Hopefully they’ll explain a lot better than I can. Your friend, always, Greg.
He had underlined always twice. On the reverse of the note was a track list. Some songs she knew and others were new to her.
With her heart pounding, she placed the CD into the little-used stereo system and hesitantly hit play. The first track began with the haunting melody of violins and guitar. She didn’t recognise the voice of the singer but it had a distinct, ethereal quality. Glancing at the note, she read, Track one: ‘3 Libras’ – A Perfect Circle. A cold chill enveloped her. The vocalist sang about feeling invisible and unseen. The words jumped out of the track at her and she was overcome with sadness. The singer continued, conveying what she interpreted as Greg’s message. This must be how he feels. Tears escaped her eyes as she listened. Over and over again the words came.
Track two she knew and loved. It was one of her favourite Foo Fighters tracks ‘Walking After You’. She had ne
ver really listened to the words of the song; she had only ever swayed around to it, eyes closed, at gigs and clubs.
Dave Grohl’s usually growling voice was a soft, soothing whisper, floating out from the speakers. As she listened on, line after line jumped out at her. Greg’s sentiment pierced her heart and a shiver travelled down her spine as she stared into space, letting the things that he was communicating to her sink in. His determination and need to be with her, now audible in words he could and would never say directly to her himself. He knew that there was a chance she would run away, but he would follow. Perhaps he knew that she felt something too, but was denying it?
Track three came. There was a melancholy quality to the poetry. She wasn’t sure of the original intention of the lyricist when The Fray had been writing the song but Mallory read what she thought Greg had put between the lines of ‘How to Save a Life’. One particular phrase spoke of letting friends down and being unable to do the right thing. A sob escaped from deep within her; it He was sorry. So sorry, she could see that now.
Next, came a song that she loved by Nickelback. ‘Far Away’ had always been a song that brought tears to her eyes and here it was being used by a man who loved her desperately, to try and convey a message that he felt unable to express in his own words. He wouldn’t give up on her. It was as if the lyrics had been written by Greg himself. A smile curled at the corners of her mouth as she listened despite the tears that continued to fall.
She braced herself for the fifth and final track. It was a song she was not familiar with, but the words resonated through her in a way that sent shivers down her spine once again. It was, in her opinion, one of the most personal and heartfelt songs she had ever heard; ‘The Reason’ By Hoobastank. The words seeped into her soul and their honesty sent as a message from Greg, made her heart ache, ready to burst out of her chest. She wanted to open the front door and run back to him; slap his face, kiss him, hold him, this hurt and damaged man who was struggling to come to terms with his feelings, just as she was.
As the song played and Mallory sobbed there was a knock at the door. She didn’t bother turning off the stereo. She pulled the door open and there he stood, in the rain. Greg. His eyes were bloodshot and damp; his chest heaving as if he had run all the way. She stared unabashed as the tears fell.
He stepped over the threshold and scooped her into his arms. ‘I couldn’t wait any longer. It’s been hours. I was scared you’d packed up and gone.’ They clung to each other. He sobbed into her hair and ‘The Reason’ became the soundtrack to their embrace, just like a movie. He kissed her forehead. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please forgive me.’ His voice was filled with emotion. He hugged her to him and she grabbed at his back, pulling him nearer.
Gazing into his eyes, she pleaded, ‘Don’t hurt me like that again, Greg, please. I couldn’t bear the way you looked at me, like you hated me.’ She sobbed.
He grasped her face in his hands. ‘I could never hate you. It’s me that I hate. I’ll never, ever be so stupid again, I promise. I’m such an idiot. I care about you so much. I would never really want to hurt you, ever. I just don’t know what else to do, Mallory… I… I love you so much… I don’t care anymore if it’s wrong… All I care about is you. If friends are what we are then that’s what we are. I’ll get used to it, I promise I will.’ He hugged her again. ‘I can’t be without you in my life. Can you forgive me? The songs were meant to make you understand, not make you cry.’ His words came out in a rush. He took her face in both of his hands again and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. ‘I want to kiss you so badly right now…’ he said breathlessly. ‘Oh God, I just said that out loud didn’t I?’ He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.
Without thinking of the consequences and without further analysing the way she felt, Mallory pulled him to her so that their foreheads were touching. She took a deep breath and said the words she knew she had wanted to say for a long time,
‘So do it.’
Greg inhaled sharply. ‘What?’ he gasped, his brow furrowed in confusion.
‘Kiss me, Greg,’ she breathed.
He let out a muffled sob as if she had just pulled him back from a ledge. He crashed his lips into hers and his hands found her damp hair as he devoured her mouth with all of his pent-up passion and longing. She kissed him back with the same ferocity. The kiss felt like it lasted forever. Mallory clung onto Greg as if her life depended on it. They broke apart, both gasping for air.
Holding his face between her hands and locking her gaze on his, she simply whispered, ‘Greg… I do see you.’
Hearing the words, he kissed her again just as deeply.
*
They sat together on the sofa in their damp clothes; just holding each other. Every so often she gazed up at him to see him smiling down at her. Each time, he just kissed her hair and squeezed her closer. He had made no sexual pass at her. It was as if what he felt went beyond such carnal desires at this moment; as if he just wanted to be with her; to feel her near him; to know that all was not lost and she wasn’t going to run away back to Yorkshire. And it was what she needed too. She felt safe in his arms. They would probably need to talk about what would happen next. But right now, it felt good to just silently be close to him.
Sometime later Mallory woke to a darkened room; Ruby was curled up in front of the unlit fire and the temperature had dropped. She looked up at Greg who was still staring down at her, smiling.
She stretched and yawned. ‘Sorry, I must have dozed off.’
‘You’ve been asleep for about an hour,’ Greg whispered. ‘You’re so beautiful when you’re asleep.’ He stroked her hair and she inhaled the scent of him.
‘So… what happens now?’ Mallory asked nervously.
‘Well, that’s up to you. We take things at your pace. If and when you feel you want to move forward, we do, until then it’s whatever you want it to be.’ He kissed the tip of her nose.
This had all been so sudden. Part of her wanted to drag him, cavewoman-like, upstairs to her bedroom and part of her knew that time was needed to get used to this new development.
She bit her lip. ‘I… I’m scared of making huge mistakes… I’m scared of being judged… I’m scared of judging myself and being disappointed that I didn’t give myself time.’
‘Then time is what you’ll have.’ He shifted so that they were facing one another. ‘Mallory, earlier today was… I felt so happy just being with you.’ He stroked her cheek. ‘Kissing you was… wow… not what I expected. I’m so terrified you’ll regret it and that’s why I didn’t try to…’
‘I know and I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that.’ Gosh, he is gorgeous. She sat upright as if just realising for the first time how attractive he was.
He looked worried at her change in body language. ‘What? What’s wrong?’
‘N-nothing… I was just thinking… never mind.’ she felt heat rising in her cheeks and so she looked at her hands knotted in her lap.
Greg tilted her chin up so that their eyes met. ‘If you need to say something, please just say it. Don’t leave me wondering, I’m terrified here.’
‘It’s silly really… I was just seeing you through fresh eyes, I guess.’ She bit her tongue almost not daring to continue. ‘You’re an incredibly good-looking man, you know?’ She smiled nervously.
Greg grinned and breathed a sigh of relief. He slumped back against the sofa. Mallory could have sworn she noticed a slight blush to his cheeks.
He glanced up at the ceiling for a moment and then turned to face her again. ‘I was scared to death of what you were going to say.’ He took her hands in his. ‘People around here won’t judge you… they won’t judge us. They absolutely adore you, Mallory, there’s no way they want you to be anything but happy.’ He stroked his thumbs over the backs of her hands. ‘I know that this is all a bit sudden. But it’s not as if it was premeditated or anything, eh? We didn’t ask for this to happen. But I’m happy to take things at your pace. We don’t do
anything or tell anyone anything until you’re ready. It’s just us for now, okay?’
She liked that. Just us.
She removed her hands from his and slid closer to him, climbing into his lap and resting her forehead on his. She ran her fingers through his thick, dark hair and she kissed him lightly on the mouth. He kissed her back gently; once, twice, three times; the fourth time the kiss became more urgent and then it exploded between them with passion and urgency.
They slid their tongues together, tasting each other, possessing each other. She moved to wrap her legs around him. His hands were at her waist, then up her back to her shoulders. He pressed her to him tightly as heat washed over her and through her. She grasped at his shirt with desperate hands and his hands moved slowly down to her bottom, pulling her closer. She could feel the effect she was having on him but suddenly he pushed her away, letting go of her, breathing fast and deep.
A little confused and rejected, Mallory’s voice came out strangled, ‘What… what’s wrong, Greg?’
‘I… I have to stop now; before we go too far. You’re not ready… We need to be careful not to rush things. I don’t want to lose you… I can’t lose you too.’ He lifted her onto the sofa and stood. He walked over and placed both hands on the fireplace and dropped his head down. He took several deep breaths as if trying to regain his composure. She understood why he had pulled away though wished he hadn’t.
Mallory touched her lips which felt swollen from the intensity of their kisses. She wasn’t sure how to react now. She had been on the verge of giving herself to him. She craved the intimate contact, but he was right. If they moved forward at such a pace it could all be destroyed. Neither of them wanted that.
She stood, walked over to him and slid her arms around his waist. It felt good just to hold him.
He turned around and wrapped her in his arms and they gazed into each other’s eyes for a few moments.
