by Abbi Glines
Tear filled the eyes of people surrounding the grave Major would soon be lowered into. He had been loved by so many. Had I died at his age, no funeral would have taken place. DeCarlo would have covered it up, and the next day, it would be business as usual. I didn’t have a group of friends and family then.
He had been selfish and had not considered this end. The pain he’d cause if this were to happen. But then, he’d believed he was invincible, even when I’d told him many times that he wasn’t. No one was.
None of them would ever know the truth. Not Mase or his father. They couldn’t know. The truth would be covered up, but at least he was a hero. He’d saved his cousin’s sister. That was what they would remember. I was thankful that he’d gone out this way. If things had gone differently, on a different case, we might never have had the chance to bury Major.
This gave our family the closure they needed and deserved.
Nan
There were no more tears left inside me. My chest ached, and my head pounded. This was all very real, and I never woke up to find it was a dream. Major was gone.
He had been working with the feds all along to protect me from my brief time spent with a crime lord. If I had known exactly how dangerous Franco had been, I’d have been more careful. I wouldn’t have stayed with him like I had for that short time.
Because of my silly stupidity, Major was dead.
Cope was alive, but he had also been protecting me. He’d just survived. I closed my eyes, blocking out the terror that came with thoughts of Cope dead. Even though what he had done had all been to protect me, I still couldn’t hate him. I couldn’t want him dead. Yet his job was one where he would be in danger every day. He would leave, and I’d never see him again. I’d never know when a gun ended his life.
My breathing became shallow as my fear gripped me, and I felt Blaire’s arm slip around my waist. She’d been beside me whenever Rush couldn’t be in the past few days. She didn’t say much, but she brought me tea and fixed me meals. When I didn’t want to eat, she didn’t force me.
She’d held my hair back as I threw up this morning, then had given me a cold, damp cloth to wipe my face. When I had looked at her, I’d expected pity, but I’d seen none of that. I’d just seen silent encouragement. She had reminded me that I was strong without using words.
The bridge I never thought could be was slowly forming between us, and I didn’t hate it. Not anymore. Life was short. We weren’t promised tomorrow. Wasting what time we did have on hating others or hating the paths we were given was pointless. We should embrace it and make the best of it.
I leaned into her, letting her know that I appreciated her being there. She didn’t have to accept me or care about me. Rush would love her regardless. I deserved her hate.
My brother loved her for many reasons. I knew that what I was experiencing was one of the biggest reasons. Blaire’s heart was bigger than that of anyone I’d ever met. I was thankful that this was the woman who loved my brother and was the mother of my nephew and my unborn niece.
I lifted my gaze, which had settled on the roses on top of Major’s casket, and locked it with Cope’s.
We hadn’t spoken. His part in all of this had been explained to me by federal agents who had come in to question me about what had happened and my connection to Franco. I understood what Major had been trying to tell me about Cope. The surveillance all made sense now. They had been protecting me all along.
My need to be loved was so controlling and pathetic that I’d believed that Gannon was something he was not. I couldn’t hate him for that. It was me and my messed-up need to be wanted that had created this heartbreak I now had to overcome.
Major was gone. That was more important than the fact that I thought I loved a man who didn’t even exist. I had chosen to get pregnant with his child, and now I would make the best of that by being the best mother on earth.
Cope held my gaze, and I wanted to read things into that dark look that weren’t there. That would never be there. It was over now. He would leave. My memories of this time would forever be clouded with the sorrow and tragedy of Major’s death.
I was strong. I was self-sufficient. I was going to be OK.
Cope
I didn’t know Blaire Finlay, but watching her comfort Nan when I couldn’t made me like the woman. She had suffered at the hand of a bitter, angry Nan. I knew the stories. I’d studied the background. I knew about everyone connected to Nan. Most of the friends at this funeral were here in support of Mase, Captain, and Nan. I could categorize each one and list the interactions and connections they’d had with Nan over the years.
The absence of Nan’s mother throughout this episode spoke volumes that I hoped the others saw—those who weren’t ready to forgive Nan for her past sins. Villains were created, not born. That was something I’d come to know as a fact. I’d witnessed it over and over.
Although Nan wasn’t ever a real villain, she was a deeply damaged and hurt female, and was there anything more dangerous? I doubted it.
Finally, she tore her gaze from mine, and the coldness I’d felt before seeped back into me. I missed her. I’d missed her every moment since she’d left Vegas. Slipping my right hand into my pocket, I held the circular packet of pills she had left behind. I had kept them with me because they were hers and a reminder that she had loved me. This was my proof.
If someone had told me a year ago that a woman was going to trap me with pregnancy, I’d have snarled and thought she’d be a stupid bitch, because that wouldn’t keep me. Nothing would.
Until I’d watched Nan step out of her car for the first time, and I knew. Life had changed from that moment. All my plans, decisions, beliefs, and hatred for humankind had turned. And I never wanted to go back.
Major
My dad didn’t cry. Huh? I kinda thought he would. I even expected it. Hard-ass son of a bitch. I wondered if he was still holding my sexcapade with my last stepmom against me. The woman had been a couple of years older than me. She could have been his daughter. Perverted old goat. I’d saved him another ugly divorce, along with half his money. He should have thanked me for it. Besides, she hadn’t been that damn memorable in the sack. Sure, she’d had killer tits and all, but that was it. Her ass had needed more plump.
Cope could look more torn up about this. I mean, I did “die” and all. He was too worried about Nan and winning her back to focus on me. I knew where that was headed. He’d basically told me as much last night. Whatever feelings I’d had for her were now nonexistent, just like me. I’d never get to tell her how I really felt. That a part of me loved her. When I never expected to love at all.
Loving a woman, however, wasn’t in my life plan. I had too many things to chase. It was time for that now. No more drama, just action. I turned my attention to my cousin.
Mase was the one I felt the most guilt over. He looked devastated, and damned if he shouldn’t be. I’d expected him to be a mess about my death. He seemed to be meeting my expectations. I even saw tears in his eyes. That made mine sting a little themselves. I hated doing this to him.
I surveyed the rest of them, and it was good to know that I was loved and would be missed. Most people didn’t get to see their own funerals. Well, I guessed they didn’t. I wasn’t actually dead. Hell, dead people might get to hang around and watch. Who knew? I hoped they did, because this was a good feeling. Made you appreciate people more and the life you lived. Knowing you touched people and they would miss you. Seeing the tears in their eyes felt pretty damn good, too. Except I did feel some guilt from that.
Cope shifted his gaze, and it cut to me. That was my cue. It was time.
I saluted him just to piss him off, then stepped back into the woods and headed for the black SUV waiting for me. My life as a deadly shadow had begun. The life I was leaving behind was dead. I had just left it all. The best part was that I would be the boss now. Cope was out, and I was in. Damn fool had gone and fallen in love. Shaking my head, I laughed and climbed inside, to
disappear into the darkness and my life of crime.
Nan
I slowed my pace as his silhouette came into view in the morning sun. I knew that body shape. I hadn’t expected to see it again, but I recognized it. The closer I jogged to him, the more questions piled up in my head.
“Hey.” That was the first thing that fell from my lips when I stopped several feet away from him.
“We need to talk.” Those were Cope’s first words. Much more to the point than my “Hey” had been.
“I know everything. You don’t have to explain,” I said, hoping I sounded more intelligent this time.
“You know nothing,” he replied, and took a step toward me.
Instantly, I took a step back. He was right. I knew nothing about him, really. The fantasy he had created as his persona to lure me in so he could protect me while I was away from Major was just that, a fantasy. It was Gannon.
This was Cope. A man I didn’t know at all.
“I know all I need to know,” I shot back at him. I felt the anger that I tried to tap down when I thought about all that had happened. I didn’t want to hate my child’s father.
He frowned. “You don’t know what’s important. So no, you don’t know all you need to know.”
He didn’t know the only thing that was important. “I disagree,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and lifting my chin. I would not show him that he frightened me.
“Really? Let’s start with this, then.” He slipped his hand out of his pocket and produced what looked like my old birth-control pills. I’d left them in the trash can of the hotel room at the casino. He’d been a private agent; of course, he had gone back and swept the room once I was gone. That made sense.
Shit. “What about it?” I said, shrugging as if the pills meant nothing. But I’d seen my doctor this week, and they did mean that I was carrying his child.
“Are you seriously not going to admit that you are pregnant with my baby? You think that’s a fair secret to keep from me after you purposely got pregnant?”
OK, so it figured he would know. “Have you been following me? Am I still under surveillance?” I asked, feeling naked suddenly in front of this man whom my heart wanted to cling to while my brain screamed he was a stranger.
“No. You aren’t under any surveillance. But I watch after you. I have since the moment I saw you. Yes, I know you missed pills the last time we had sex, and I know you’ve been getting sick in the mornings and some afternoons, and I know you went to see your doctor and he confirmed you were pregnant. That’s what I do . . . did. I watched people. I’ve continued watching you from a safe distance while you mourned the loss of someone you cared about. But it’s time we talk now. I can’t put that off, and I can’t keep my distance any longer.”
The deep tone in his voice was the same one that still came to me in dreams and often during the day when I let myself remember. It had an addictive quality to it. One I’d had a hard time shaking. Listening to him now, I wanted to do whatever he asked. To please him. To forget that he wasn’t who I thought he was.
“I thought I was keeping a part of a man I loved. That man didn’t exist. In some ways, that makes his disappearance from my life without even a good-bye easier to deal with, and in other ways, it makes me ache for what never was. But this baby will be mine. It will be loved. I will provide for it, and I’ll never require a dime from you. Don’t think this was a trap. It wasn’t. Nor will I ever call it a mistake.”
His two long strides happened fast, and I didn’t have time to react before he was directly in front of me. His hands gripping my arms. His body heat mingling with mine. I inhaled without thinking, because I wanted to smell him. I’d missed him. Even if he wasn’t who I believed he was. “This baby will know me. I’ll provide for it, and I’ll love it. Don’t tell me I’m not needed. Don’t tell me this baby doesn’t need me, because every child needs its father. That’s not a fair statement to make. You, of all people, know how important a father is in a child’s life. The absence of your father and the detachment from your mother marked you and molded you. Do you want that for our child? Really, Nan? Is that OK with you?”
I hated him in that moment. Throwing my fears in my face. Accusing me of hurting my baby by my choices, when he knew nothing of my life. “You don’t know anything about me and my life.” My words lashed out as tears stung my eyes.
“I know more than you realize. I know your hatred, I know your cruelty, I know your mistakes, I know your self-loathing, and I know your pain and your regrets. I know it all, Nan. I’ve heard it, witnessed it, and I still love you so fucking much I can’t walk away from you. The life I lived before you is over for me. So don’t stand here and tell me that you don’t need me. That our baby doesn’t need me. Because you both do. You both need me, and you want me.” He stopped and sighed as if he was exhausted. “And I need and want both of you.”
I hadn’t expected that. It wasn’t in my daydreams or even my real dreams. I was afraid of those three words. I’d never heard them from a man. My brother didn’t count. I wasn’t sure if I could trust those words. “How?” The words were honest and came out without thought. If he knew all of me, how could he love me?
He smirked then, and I was reminded of the first time I’d seen him smirk. A part of me had fallen then. “How could I not? That’s the better question.”
Shaking my head, I tried to back away. That wasn’t an answer. He was dodging it. There was no way he knew all he said he did and still loved me. His hands tightened on my arms but not painfully.
“Because you captured me. You’re real. There is nothing fake about you. What most women hide you flaunt to the world. You don’t hide your ugly side; you showcase it. The problem is that most people are so unprepared to see that reality that they miss the beauty you also don’t hide. It’s there, but you don’t flaunt it. You don’t pretend to want something or to be OK with something when you’re not. You don’t hide your pain; you lash out and hurt others equally.” He reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “You are real, Nan. More real than any person I’ve ever met. So when I say I love you, know that I do. I love it all.”
The emotion that hit me in the chest was too much. When I pulled free of his hold, he let me. When I turned and ran away . . . he let me.
Cope
When she opened the front door, she paused. I expected that. I also expected a fight. After letting her run away last week, then staying out of her sight for seven days, she was beyond annoyed with me. I could see it in her posture and the way she interacted with others.
Knowing that she was in that house dealing with morning sickness was hard. I wanted to be there, but I wasn’t forcing myself inside that door. She would open it and let me in. Eventually.
Today was her doctor’s appointment to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I knew that just like I knew she didn’t sleep well at night but took several naps during the day lately. She no longer could stomach orange juice, and the smell of eggs sent her to the toilet to vomit. She drank ginger ale in the mornings, along with a handful of ginger snaps. That was all she could keep down until after lunch, normally around two, when she would go to the country club and order a cheeseburger with fries. Which she would immediately feel guilty for, so she’d go running on the beach afterward.
All I did was stay close. Make sure she was safe and handling things without help. I was waiting in the wings, hoping she’d call me. But she was stubborn. One of the many things I loved about her crazy ass.
“What do you want?” she snapped at me as she walked down the stairs and headed toward her car, not me.
“I’m going to hear our baby’s heartbeat with you,” I replied, moving to follow her toward her ridiculously expensive car.
“How did you know about that?” She spun around, her eyes flaring with anger and attraction. She tried to hide it, but it was there.
“Because I care.” I reached down and took the keys from her hand. “I’ll drive. You’re a terrible dri
ver.” I knew that would piss her off, but I liked annoying the hell out of her.
“I am not! This is my car, and I’ll drive it!” She stomped her foot for emphasis.
I took a step toward her and held her haughty glare. “Get in the fucking car. I’m driving.” I didn’t leave room for argument, and as I’d expected, she backed down from my tone, and her shoulders eased from their tense, uptight position.
“Fine,” she muttered, then turned to get into the passenger seat.
I waited until I was turned around to grin. I doubted she’d like my amusement just now. Climbing into her small excuse for a vehicle, I glanced over at her. “You’re going to need a larger and safer vehicle for the baby.”
She sighed. “I know that. Why are you doing this?”
Change of subject. “I told you that seven days and five hours and twenty-two minutes ago. Don’t tell me you forgot already.”
Nan made another sigh of frustration. “Yes, you did. But you’ve been gone since then, so I assumed you’d changed your mind. And did you really just give me the exact amount of time it’s been since you said that?”
Changed my mind about loving her? Did she think so little of love? Her damage was deep. I had to be careful with that. “Yes, I did. Twenty-three minutes now.”
She was watching me as I pulled out of her drive and onto the street leading out of town and toward Destin, where I knew her doctor’s office was. I didn’t look at her. I let it soak in. The fact that I was here. The fact that she was about to realize I knew where we were going and I wasn’t asking her for directions. The fact that I loved her and I wasn’t going anywhere. Even when she ran from me.
“Are you mentally stable?” was her next question. This one made me laugh.
