Why was my pocket singing?
And more to the point, why was it singing the theme tune to The Munsters?
Wasn’t that my ringtone?
It was my ringtone.
So that wasn’t singing.
That was ringing.
Someone was ringing my phone.
Yeah, that’s about how long it took me to figure out what was going on there. In my defence, I had been beaten over the back of the bonce by a magical sleepy stick. Frank, too, though he’s pretty slow on the uptake at the best of times.
I peeled my head off the floor and my partner did likewise. Nearby, a couple of mangy pigeons fought over a puddle of sick. It seemed the fae had dropped us off pretty much where they found us: the shitty patch of urban sprawl we went to looking for a vampire conclave.
I fished out my phone and pressed it to my ear.
‘Hello?’ I croaked.
Stronge answered. ‘Where the hell have you been, Fletcher? I’ve been calling you for hours.’
I checked my phone and saw sixteen missed calls. The thing had been ringing red hot.
Frank widened his eyes at me and did his owl impression. ‘Whooo?’
I cupped a hand over the receiver. ‘Stronge’s on the blower,’ I explained. ‘Sounds a bit miffed.’
‘Miffed?’ she barked, clearly not fooled by my subterfuge. ‘I’m bloody livid.’
‘You’re livid? I’ve got a clan of pissed off vampires up my backside, and now the Arcadians have got me on the hook to find their missing prince.’
There was a long pause before Stronge spoke again. ‘We need to talk. Now. Meet me at Cath’s Caff in half an hour.’
Once the human cigarette who ran the café had taken Stronge’s order and slunk away, we were free to chat.
‘Isn’t that the same meal you had last time?’ I asked, pointing at a sad-looking plate of eggs, chips, and black pudding. ‘The one you said tasted like a dog’s back?’
Stronge shrugged. ‘Better the devil you know.’ She forked a helping of undercooked egg white into her mouth and winced. ‘Now how about you forget about my breakfast and tell me why you’ve been dodging my calls?’
The woman was on a hair-trigger, so I decided to be straight with her.
‘Hear me out and don’t get angry. I went looking for the Arcadian...’
Before I could say another word she pounded a fist on the table, making Frank jump. ‘I knew it. I knew you’d go sneaking off without me.’
‘Can you blame me? What was I supposed to do? Last time we worked together you told me you were sick of fighting monsters.’
‘So what? That doesn’t mean you get to leave me out of the loop. I want this collar just as much as you do.’
Somehow I doubted that. Stronge wanted to see the Arcadian pay for what he’d done, but it’s not like her eternal soul was on the line. Failing to bring in the killer wouldn’t sit well with her, sure, but for me and Frank it could mean a reckoning. The pair of us were only ever one cocked-up case away from a nudge into the great lake of fire.
‘Well?’ said Stronge. ‘Why did you ditch me? What have you got to say for yourself?’
‘Sooooorry,’ said Frank, surprising us both.
Stronge’s frown melted. Her animosity towards me came easily, but no one would stay angry with Frank. People just liked him. Even though it’s obvious he’s not the full shilling, they know he’s sound as a pound.
I decided to take advantage of Frank’s powers of placation and bring Stronge up to speed while her guard was down. ‘Here’s what I picked up,’ I said, leaning in and speaking low despite the fact that her and Frank were the only people in the café aware of my presence. ‘The Arcadian didn’t come to London alone, he brought a whole dynasty with him. They’ve set up a base in the city somewhere—we went there, but we were sparked out, so I couldn’t tell you where it is. Anyway, it turns out the fae left Arcadia so they could marry their son off to a vampire bride—I overheard that part hiding in a wall at a vampire gabfest. Apparently, the wedding didn’t go ahead on account of our man leaving the bloodsucker in the lurch.’
Stronge placed a hand on either side of her head as if to stop it from splitting in half. ‘You’re telling me you learned all of that in just a few hours?’
‘It’s been a night.’
‘And there’s more?’
‘Oh, I’ve barely scratched the surface. See, after our man did his runaway groom act and shot my client—don’t ask me how those two things add up—he went missing. Not just from the law, but from his own people. The Arcadians don’t know where he is and neither do the vampires, but they’re both pretty keen to find out. The Vengari—that’s the vamps—want to drag the fae prince—did I say he was a prince?—back to the altar, but his mum’s decided the wedding is cancelled.’
‘And you believe that?’
‘I don’t know, but either way, this is going to make for an interesting entry in the old casebook.’
Stronge rested her chin on her palm. ‘Here’s what I don’t get: what’s a fairy doing marrying a vampire? Could that even work? Physically, I mean?’
‘I guess so. The vampires kept calling it a union, the fae too, so the horizontal tango must have factored into the arrangement somewhere.’
Frank pulled a face. He was surprisingly squeamish when it came to the mention of anything carnal, which was strange. Out of the two of us, he was the only one who could really partake in a bit of the old in-and-out, and yet he had no urge to do so. If I had what he had I’d have been at it like a rat up a drainpipe. And before you get any ideas, no, I haven’t made use of Frank’s body just so I can… well, make use of a woman’s. The thought has never even occurred to me, so get back in your box, you pervert.
Blissfully unaware of my inner dialogue, Stronge picked up where I left off. ‘So the grand plan in all this is to make vampire-fairy babies?’
‘Sounds that way, but mainly these things happen so two factions can consolidate power. The weird thing, though, is the fae already have all of it. The Vengari are a gutter clan. I can’t for the life of me work out what they’d be bringing to the table, or why the Arcadians would traipse all the way to London to get it.’
Stronge nodded thoughtfully, took another bite of her brekkie, and was immediately reminded how bad the last mouthful had tasted. ‘Well, it doesn’t sound like there’s any chance of this union going ahead now. The second we catch the fae he’s off to the London Coven for some comeuppance.’
I sucked some air through my teeth. ‘About that… the Arcadians made me and Frank an offer. Well, less of an offer than a demand, really. An on pain of death sort of thing.’
One word: ‘What?’
‘They asked—insisted, really—that when we find their prince, we hand him over to them. They promised they’d dole out the proper punishment.’
Stronge laughed. ‘Right. A slap on the wrist and a, “Don’t do it again”, no doubt. If that.’
When I failed to laugh along with her she knew something was amiss.
‘You can’t seriously be considering throwing in with the Arcadians?’
I fidgeted in my seat. ‘You didn’t meet their matron. The woman gave me the heebie-jeebies. I might be better off disappointing God than her.’
‘I really hope you’re joking. I’m not in love with the idea of palming the bad guy off to some magic lady I’ve never even met, but I don’t have much choice since he’s not human.’
As I’d explained to her previously, the Accord insists that Uncannies aren’t filtered through the common law legal system and are dealt with by the London Coven instead. It’s not an ideal arrangement, but it’s the only one we’ve got, at least in this city.
Stronge continued, ‘If you think I’m handing a wanted killer over to his own family, you’ve got another thing coming. I’d sooner throttle him with my own hands than let that happen.’
‘All right, chill your boots, Kat. I didn’t say I was going to actually do it, did I? B
esides, it’s all a bit academic at this point since we don’t even know where the fae’s hiding.’
‘What do you mean? What about the wisp?’
Frank’s expression puckered and he looked to his trotters.
‘Why is he making that face?’ asked Stronge.
‘The wisp’s gone,’ I confessed. ‘Splatted.’
Stronge rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. ‘Of course it is. So what now?’
‘Honestly, we were hoping you might have something, because we are shit out of ideas.’
She pushed her plate of unfinished grub aside as if clearing a desk, making it ready for work. ‘I’ll head to the station and check the HOLMES suite to see if any suspicious crimes have been reported—something that might be attributed to the perp.’
‘Great. What can we do in the meantime?’
‘Oh, I think you’ve done enough already, don’t you?’ she said, snatching her coat from the back of her chair and heading for the door.
Frank turned to me with an expectant look on his face.
‘Go on then,’ I sighed.
He shot out two hands and tucked into Stronge’s leftover black pudding like he was feasting on fresh brains.
Chapter Twenty-Five: They Only Come Out at Night
Our client deserved to be apprised of the new developments in her case, so we headed for the office to fill her in. Only we couldn’t get inside to talk to her. Not with a car full of vampires lying in wait.
The Vengari had the place staked out (excuse the pun). If we wanted to get in there, we were going to have to throw them off the scent. I gave Shift a bell.
‘Shift, my man.’
‘Woman right now,’ she replied.
‘Whatever. Listen, I need your help with something.’
‘Well, since you asked so nicely, what can I do for you?’
I laid out my plan. She laid out her fee. An hour later, Shift was on the scene.
‘So let me get this straight,’ said Shift, peeking her blonde head around the street corner to snatch a glance at my office. ‘You want me to pretend to be you so I can draw a pack of vampires away from your door?’
‘We went over this already,’ I replied.
‘Yeah, but… am I missing something? If you need bait, why not have your twin here do it?’
‘Frank’s... not exactly built for black ops,’ I explained, placing a hand on my partner’s shoulder.
Frank nodded meekly. Since our blow-up at the conclave, he’d changed his tune about being left out of things—about being benched when the need arose. There were things I was good at (sneaking into places), and things he was good at (beating the ever-living shit out of anyone who stood in our way). We both had a talent for going through things, we just used different methods.
I chanced a look around the corner and saw the vamp-mobile parked exactly where it had been an hour ago. ‘You know, it’s drop-ins like this that make me think I should stop advertising in the Yellow Pages.’
Shift tossed a look my way. ‘You think?’
‘Don’t be like that. I need to get the business noticed, don’t I?’
‘Then advertise on the dark web like everyone else who sells something that shouldn’t exist.’
‘Do me a favour. I only found out chat rooms aren’t still a thing last week. You should see my laptop; it’s the size of a Volvo. Now come on, are you going to help me out or what?’
‘For what you’re paying? Consider it done.’
Shift did her Mighty Hermaphrodity thing, her face becoming a blur as it reshaped itself into mine. Well, a bit like mine.
‘Hm,’ I said, squinting at Shift’s effort. ‘Not bad, but not quite there yet. Why don’t you have another crack at it?’
‘What’s wrong with this?’
‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad. It’s just... you haven’t quite captured my roguish good looks.’
Shift let forth a long sigh then the features she was wearing swam as she morphed again. I waited for the face to settle and studied it a second time.
‘Did you even change it? It looks exactly the same to me.’
I turned to Frank for his opinion—it was a face he knew as well as I did, after all—but he was staying Switzerland on the matter.
‘Trust me, this is fine,’ said Shift, getting aggravated now. ‘Even the hair’s a match.’
I supposed it would have to do. To my eye, the effect needed some finesse, but I reckoned it should work at a distance.
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Moving on...’
I told Shift exactly what I wanted him to do.
‘I have a question,’ he said, raising a paw. ‘What am I supposed to do if these vamps take the bait and grab me?’
‘You’re the shapeshifter; if they get too close just shed your skin and blend into a crowd.’
‘Oh, so suddenly you’re an expert on evasion, Mister I-Put-My-Home-Address-in-the-Phone-Book?’ He took a breath. ‘Sorry about that. I can get a little aggressive when I’m pumping testosterone.’
‘Get those bloodsuckers off my doorstep and all is forgiven,’ I replied, giving him a friendly slap on the back.
He took one last look down the street to check that the vamps were still camping by my front door (they were), gathered his courage, and cut a path past their car. To my mind, the manner of his gait was a little off—I don’t want to say mincing, but I’m at a loss to describe it any other way. In any case, the ruse worked. The Vengari exited their vehicle and went after Shift on foot, leaving Frank and me to slip into the building unseen.
Home sweet home.
We headed for the back office, pushed open the door with our name stencilled on it, and found Tali standing by our desk, her big brown eyes wide with anticipation.
‘Well? Did you get him?’
One look at my face and she knew. Her backside landed in my chair and she buried her hands in her afro.
‘He’s going to get away with it, isn’t he?’
‘Hey,’ I said, taking the seat opposite while Frank fetched her a hankie. ‘We’re going to get him, trust me. I’ve got all the pieces of the clock laid out in front of me. I just need to figure out how to put them together and get the thing ticking.’
She looked up at me through her lashes. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means we’re closing in on the bastard. He’s got three different parties looking for him right now, and we’re closer than any of them.’
Her back straightened. ‘Three?’
‘Yeah. I’m telling you, it’s like Catch the Pigeon out there.’
She returned an uncertain smile. ‘Who else?’
‘Besides me and Frank, he’s got a bunch of vampires on his tail, plus his own family.’
The vague smile she was wearing deflated like a punctured tyre. ‘The Arcadians?’
‘Yeah. Mummy Dearest had the pair of us kidnapped and taken to their home from home. Made us an offer, too.’
‘What kind of offer?’ she asked, her stare turning distinctly hostile.
‘The kind you don’t refuse,’ I replied. ‘Either I find their boy and give him to them, or they turn Frank and me into a couple of charcoal briquettes.’
‘So what are you going to do?’
‘Still making my mind up about that.’
‘No!’ The word ripped out of her like a hog hurtling down a slaughterhouse chute, sending me and Frank rocking back on our heels. ‘I came to you for help. You can’t do this.’
‘I haven’t done anything yet,’ I said, holding up my hands, a move mirrored by my partner.
‘What do you think they’re going to do if you hand him over?’ she cried, fighting back tears. ‘Wag a finger at him?’
‘Listen, I know you don’t want to hear it, but not fighting the Arcadians on this might be for the best. London’s got enough hoodoo already without adding them to the mix. Having fae folk in the city might be the thing that tips the scales and wrecks the Accord. But it doesn’t have to be
like that: so long as they get their boy, they’re off over the rainbow and back to the old country, out of our hair for good.’
‘And you believe that?’
‘They made me a promise, and the fae don’t lie—I’ve read the book on them and it’s right there in their manifesto.’
The tears were flowing freely now, bursting from Tali’s eyes like a river through a busted dam. placed a placating hand on her back.
‘It’s not fair, I know that, but getting shot of these bastards is the real endgame here. The fae are bad news, Tali. This is about the greater good.’
‘Even if it means letting the man who killed me go free?’ she shot back, her voice loaded with acid.
I was searching for an answer to that question when the doorbell rang.
Chapter Twenty-Six: My Enemy’s Enemy
The view through the peephole of my front door wasn’t at all what I was expecting. I was hoping to see Shift with his thumb in the air assuring me of a job well done. Instead, I found him wearing his blond male form and surrounded by four Vengari vampires.
Fuck. There was another knock. The vamps wanted in, and unlike the creatures of myth, these fellers didn’t need to wait for an invitation.
‘Open up,’ said Shift, his voice shaky. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s not keep these people waiting.’
I had no choice.
I turned to Tali. ‘Go hide in the back. In the room with the coffins.’
‘Who’s out there?’
‘The vampires I was talking about. Now go.’
She obviously had more questions—not to mention a giant bone to pick with me—but she knew what was best for her and scarpered anyway, disappearing through the back wall.
Right then. If I was going to entertain uninvited callers, I was doing it with some muscle.
I swivelled to Frank. ‘Okay, big man. This is it: Operation Jehovah’s Witness.’
I merged with my partner, slipping him on like a prizefighter donning his favourite pair of boxing gloves. The vamps had us outnumbered two to one, so working as separate entities wasn’t going to make a difference here. We were better off combining our efforts and taking on the fang gang as a united front.
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