by Leanne Davis
She reached her hand up to push down the clump of hair springing off his forehead. She kept running her hands into his slick, straight hair for the comfort. He was right, she realized. She didn’t like to be questioned all the time or hovered over or clung to. She never really connected it all up. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t let friends and past boys get too far or stay too long into her life. A small smile tugged her lips up. “You really do get me.”
“I really do.”
“Why? Even my mother doesn’t totally get that about me. Nor Ally.”
He stared into her eyes. “Honestly? I have no idea why. I just do.”
“Do you want to know where I was tonight? Do you trust me? Do you worry I was out with some guy.”
“I don’t. So no.”
“I was with a friend I’m working on a project with. It’s a she.”
He smiled. “Thank you. For telling me.”
“Thank you for coming to get me, no questions asked.”
His mouth twisted. “I’d come anywhere for you. Get that, okay. Anytime, anywhere, I’ll be there. I’m sorry. So sorry about what happened to you.”
“I am too. But it’s enough right now that you know about it, okay? No hovering. I can’t handle that. Not yet.”
****
Tristan held Kylie’s sleeping body against his own as sleep evaded him. She had told him. That which had drawn him to her, with the intent to harm her, had finally been revealed to him. He should have asked her side of this months ago. But he hadn’t because at first he’d believed she was delusional and didn’t understand what she had experienced with his brother. Then… well, then he’d really begun to know Kylie and he started to clearly understand she wasn’t confused or broken or out for revenge or… a liar. Kylie didn’t lie.
But that meant his brother raped her. He couldn’t bear the reality of that. He felt like suddenly flinging her off his body and running several miles down the road to avoid the feel of that reality.
He didn’t tell her who he was because he now feared, with a physical repulsion, losing Kylie. He wasn’t wrong about her or how he felt. He loved her fiercely. He loved her completely. He loved her despite everything he’d done wrong in finding her. He loved her despite what it meant for his future with his family and most of all his brother.
Still, grabbing on and admitting his little brother was a rapist?
It was unfathomable. So he ignored it. He didn’t do anything. He tried not to see or talk to Tommy. Which was an easy feat with his family.
But now? She needed his help, his caring, and his understanding. He could easily get sick from not telling her the truth right here and now. But the ability to do so left him nearly paralyzed. He was weak, pathetic, and scared. So scared to tell her what he knew. That he knew the story she told him… Just an entirely different version of how Kylie knew his brother.
****
Friends. It was a quick friendship that developed over the next few weeks between Kylie and Cadence. They cut through the usual get-to-know-each-other crap because their first ever conversation was about their most deep-down secret and suffering. It made for quick and real bonding. They met a lot, mostly at Cadence’s dorm because she was afraid to walk around campus alone at night. Something she chided Kylie about, but finally gave up when Kylie just gave her a secretive smile and said she was fine, really. She could handle it. They met sometimes at school or had lunch together. It wasn’t long before they were deeper friends than Kylie was with Meredith or even her sister right now. They talked about their families a lot because of the topic that most connected them. They were each other’s confidantes and champions and they got each other’s pain, even if they channeled it in totally, completely opposite ways.
Cadence was practically a virgin, with only one boyfriend she’d had sex with before Tommy happened to her and no one since. Kylie listened openly to Cadence’s fears and anxieties with encouragement. She tried to explain to Cadence there was nothing dirty now with sex, if it was sex she chose.
It was the first time she thought her desire, need, and liking of sex was something she was lucky to have. Especially after lying cuddled and safe next to Tristan after they made love in ways that never felt dirty or scary or unhealthy. She was especially grateful then she hadn’t let it skew her desire and want to have sex. Look at what she’d found.
They were very different kind of girls, but this thing, it connected them like long-lost sisters. As her own sister wasn’t speaking to her, and had all but fallen off the radar, Kylie clung to Cadence.
Then one day, after lots of research and figuring out how to go about this, Cadence leaned back in her desk chair and said, “What does your boyfriend think?”
“About what?”
“Tommy? What happened to you?”
“I did recently tell him what happened to me. I didn’t feel ready to tell him who.”
“I thought you said he was great. Understanding. Supportive. Seemed to get you? You didn’t tell him who did this to you?”
“I’ve only just began to think maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t seem to get how heavily I judged myself or being there and worse, my intent for being there.”
“Which wasn’t to get drugged, raped and your memory erased. Right? You get that now, Kylie?”
“I am starting to get that. Do you ever think we are lucky?”
She snorted. “How do you figure? Lucky us?”
“We don’t remember. We don’t know what he actually did to our bodies. We didn’t feel the pain. We could go on—”
“As if nothing ever happened? Except you didn’t ‘just’ go on. I agree, not remembering the experience probably is a far different experience than rape without being given a fucking sedative first. But do I think we’re lucky? No. It drives me nuts wanting to know what he did to me. Where did he touch me? Was it just him? Were there others? I had pain though. In places I never wanted to have sex. I know something was put in me. Yet I can’t say what it was.”
She shuddered. Cadence was like this. Bold. Vocal. Out there. She was out there with everything she had to say or had experienced. The things Kylie didn’t want to sit around contemplating. Yes, she’d had the pain. She’d wondered… so much she had wondered what Tommy had done with her prone, vulnerable body. Had others been there? Had they laughed at her, sprawled out, naked, skinny, incoherent?
“Maybe you should tell your boyfriend who it was. You need to start somewhere. Get used to talking about Tommy Tamasy. If we do this, you’ll have to get better at that. What if we have to testify against him? It says here any accusations against another student will be investigated before an arbitrator, and both parties will have the right to be heard.”
Just tell him. Just say the name: Tommy Tamasy. She needed to chant it, repeat it, and accuse him, so the power of that name was removed from her brain. It made Kylie’s hands start to sweat however, picturing physically verbalizing the words. But she nodded.
“Kylie?”
“I heard you.”
“I need to know if you can do this. I don’t want to be left standing there alone again, the complete fool. I was okay facing it once. But I need to know you’re in this with me. Until the end… whatever the outcome we get. Fail, succeed or somewhere in between, I just can’t face this alone, like I’m some kind of crazy spurned ex-lover who is merely trying to smear Tommy. He spun a pretty convincing story about me being an unpopular freshman who came after him for revenge when Tommy didn’t want to date me. That I was so hurt I couldn’t handle that he didn’t want to be with me beyond sex. Just…”
Cadence so rarely seemed vulnerable. Kylie clasped her hand to hers. “I promise. I won’t chicken out.”
“Thank you. And maybe start with your boyfriend. Or parents. Just someone. So I can believe you’re really going through with this. I need you, Kylie.” Cadence’s voice cracked. She was just such normal, nice person. It was beyond comprehension to Kylie how anyone could ever want to hurt her.
Kylie nodd
ed, steeling her spine. She was in this now. For good. For real. Until the end.
Chapter Seventeen
KYLIE HAD BEEN BUSY since the new quarter had started at school. She had taken on another class than normal so she was taking more than a full quarter’s credits. Plus with the internship one of her classes required, she was often too busy for her and Tristan to see each other. She worked at The Acorn of course. At least once a week Tristan had dinner there, in her section, and the management had yet to guess they were dating. She was that good about doing her job. No lingering. No favorites. Just her secret little smiles and subtle flirting. She had a few new friends too, and the longer he knew her she seemed to get somehow happier. Calmer. More open. It did something to his heart. Lifted it up with joy and pride. He felt like the real version of who Kylie really was had just started awakening and believing in herself enough to let her shine. It started since she saw her father and told her family about it. Though they often talked about Ally’s anger and withdrawal over Kylie seeing their dad, he tried to encourage her to stick strong to what she thought and felt and let Ally come around.
But then she’d called him that night, in middle of the night.
And everything in his entire life had finally and fully intersected. Only she still didn’t fully comprehend it all yet. He leaned his head down on his desk as he contemplated yet again, for the thousandth time with the hundredth desire to puke, how could he keep this from her? He had to tell her. Who he was and how he came to know her. He just didn’t know what to tell or how to tell her so he didn’t lose her. He was confident if he could find the right moment, the right way she’d be mad at first, but see his predicament. He hadn’t set out to fall in love with the girl who he went after to figure out how to stop her from claiming his brother raped her. He didn’t mean to get involved. But if their connection could just get deeper and she could know him more and more, maybe she could trust Tommy had nothing to do with what Tristan was doing with her or felt about her.
Even if he hadn’t quite figured out what had happened between them. Or what would happen when they all figured out his connection to both of them. But the problem was, he knew deep in his heart that night, Kylie hadn’t been lying or confused. She wasn’t wrong.
The thing with believing her, with fully giving into the obvious, would be to admit his brother was a rapist. He didn’t know how to do it. Yet he couldn’t deny it. Needless to say he might be getting an ulcer from all the stress. The constant worry. At first he’d not been careful to keep his name from Kylie. He’d hoped to get caught and end this charade. Now? Now, he was desperate not to. He was nearly crazy not to lose her.
She was of course… Kylie. She made it easy to not tell her. She was unlike any other woman he’d ever been with. There was no clinging. She didn’t infringe on his life other than what he asked her to. She accepted his separation of his family and her with little question. She was so respectful, kind, and nice she made it easy to keep the ongoing lie with her.
He might regret it. He had doubts and fears, but he thought if enough time went by, she’d understand how much he loved her and that he kept up the façade out of love for her, fear of losing her, not out of anything nefarious.
His grandfather had not been happy with him of late. He’d been obtuse about what happened with Kylie and him, simply claiming she was handled. He’d buried himself in client orders, overseeing billing, marketing, and worker’s complaints, all trying to keep his grandfather from realizing who he was seeing.
Kylie rarely called him at work, and so when she did, one afternoon at four o’clock, Reese—his secretary, who had earfuls to say about Kylie after she announced Tristan was her boyfriend, and had a strong liking of Kylie and had no way of knowing the drama around Kylie’s name and his family— beeped in on one of Tristan’s meetings with his grandfather, dad, and the department heads. “I told you to hold my calls.”
“It’s Kylie. Something’s wrong. I think you need to take it.”
The entire room went deathly silent. Tristan felt sweat bead on his back and trickle down. He kept his gaze hard on the intercom that Reese had just announced his personal life over. Kylie.
“Kylie who?” Grandfather’s voice was chilling when he spoke finally. Cold and icy, it could almost prick Tristan’s skin.
Tristan, seated, glanced up and drew in a breath. “You know who.” He then got to his feet and leaned forward. Emergency. It had to be. Kylie didn’t reach out to him for anything. Something big must be wrong. And though he had just been caught on one end, that didn’t change whatever Kylie needed.
“Kylie?” He cradled the phone to his ear and turned away from the other men.
“Tristan?” Kylie’s voice sounded strangled.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s me. What’s wrong?”
“I’m at the hospital.”
“What’s wrong?” he repeated, panic lacing his tone. His heart bottomed out. He was on his feet. “What happened to you?”
“Not me. A friend of mine. Can you just come? Please. I need your support.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” He hung up and stared down at his hand on the receiver. Then he glanced around.
“Tristan.” The warning, the censorship and disappointment in his tone. It was all in his grandfather’s voice. His mentor. His hero. The man who sent him to try and destroy a girl who had never hurt anyone a day in her life besides herself.
“I have to go. We’ll discuss this later. My numbers are there in that folder. Self-explanatory. You’ll figure it out.” He walked around the table.
A fist slammed down on the conference room table. “You’ll tell me right now what the hell you’re doing and what’s going on.”
He paused long enough to scowl at his grandfather. “I won’t discuss her with you. End of story. If you want to fire me. Do so. But right now? I have to go.”
Something lifted off his chest. He’d been carrying around what felt like a thousand pounds since this started. He felt strangely invigorated to leave it behind. Walk out, head high, spine stiff and proclaiming… Kylie. He was proclaiming something for Kylie.
He found the entrance of the hospital and rushed in. Glancing right and left he saw Kylie, pacing the floor a few paces away. She stopped dead when she saw him. She then ran to him. Her relief at his presence was bright in her eyes. She nearly jumped into his arms. He wrapped her up in them, all not even hundred pounds of her hitting him full-force. She leaned her head under his and clung.
“What’s going on?”
“The friend I’ve been seeing lately? The one I told you I’m working on that special project with?”
“Yeah?” He knew the girl had nearly replaced him, but he’d had to control his own petty jealously, reminding himself he wasn’t a thirteen-year-old and he could handle his girlfriend having friends and interests that infringed on time he wanted to spend with her.
“She tried to kill herself. She overdosed on some prescription she bought off another student. Her roommate found her. They just got done pumping her stomach. They think she’ll be fine. But… I can’t believe she did this. You don’t understand, she’d been so strong. So sure of herself. So healthy! This is not something she would do. I should do this. Weak, silly, scared me. But Cadence? No.”
Everything stilled in him. One word. One name and everything changed, everything fell into place and made sense, as he knew in the sickening sinking of his gut everything was over.
“I don’t understand why she’d do this.” Kylie was shaking. Her hands and entire body were trembling in nerves and upset.
“You said she’ll be fine?”
“Yes. It hadn’t absorbed. She should be fine. But… it almost wasn’t. She could have died. So easily. If no one came in and found her… I mean, did she mean it? She was okay last I talked to her. And I’d know. We talk, I mean, really, really talk, Tristan. Only like I do with you. I can’t believe this.”
He knew now was the moment. He couldn’t stand there a
nd talk about Cadence killing herself and not tell Kylie who he was. Whatever they had been planning, he could not continue this charade. There was no choice now. This had just gone to dangerous and physical harm. His stomach cramped. He didn’t know yet what it meant. About Tommy… about why a girl would try to kill herself. And one of those accusers was the woman he’d fallen in love with and believed in every other way.
He took her hands in his. “Kylie?”
She was staring down, shaking her head. Her thoughts were everywhere.
He said her name again his tone still gentle. “Kylie?”
“What?” She blinked in surprise when he said her name a third time, his tone louder and sharper.
“We need to talk.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s something really important I need to tell you.”
“Now?” Her eyes went huge.
“Now.” He took her hand and pulled her gently towards the hospital entrance. There was a smoking area down to the right around the corner of the building. He stopped there. He leaned down and kissed her mouth. He leaned his forehead against her. “You have to hear me out.”
“Hear out what?” Her expression was scrunched with worry. “What is going on? You’re scaring me.”
“Please. Promise me. You’ll hear me out.”
“I’ll hear you out. What is it?” She reached out and touched his hand. “Tristan, what is going on? Are you freaking out because you think this is something I would do to myself?”
“It’s what people would assume you’d do, isn’t it? But you’d never do something like this. You’d never do this to your mother.” He shook his head and took in a shuddering breath. “No, this is about—I know who Cadence is. She knows who I am. I can’t walk into her room with you because it will upset her and that isn’t fair. Not after this.”
“What? How do you know her? And why can’t you walk in there with me? ”
“Because I’ll upset her. Maybe add to whatever is going on with her ending up here having done this to herself.” He took in a shuddering breath. “Because she hates me, and with good reason. Reasons I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to hurt you with. But I hope you’ll listen to me. Believe me. I love you, Kylie. That was always the truth.”
