“I’ll take the tuna.” Jared took one of the sandwiches and took out his water bottle. He gobbled a big bite of the sandwich, which in his ravenous state tasted as fine as the best prime rib he’d ever had in New York. A guzzle of water made him wince at the dull throb in his mouth.
“What’s wrong?” Judd said.
“Bad tooth. It’s been bugging me for a while.”
“Been there, bro.” Judd took a bite of his sandwich. “Hey. You remember that time we caught the Dobbs sisters skinny-dipping over there?”
“Like it was yesterday,” Jared said brightly. “You almost dropped your rod in the drink.”
“Yeah? Well at least I wasn’t playin’ with my rod. Like some people I know.”
Jared laughed. It had been six days past his thirteenth birthday, and when Tammy Dobbs had climbed out of that cool water, her tanned skin glistening, he had thought he was dreaming. Now, staring at that huge rounded rock near the shore, he could still see those fine curves of her naked form, the perfect shape of those breasts. It had been the best summer of his life.
“Sherry, right?” Judd said. “The one with the big jugs.”
“Tammy.”
“You sure?”
Jared grinned. “Memory burn.”
“What the hell was their brother’s name? Like one of the Muppets or somethin’.”
“Ernie, I think.”
“Shit, that’s right. He works out at the landfill. God, he was always such a dumbass. Made me look like a rock scientist.”
“Rocket, you mean. Rocket scientist.”
“Exactly,” Judd chuckled. “You know what I mean.”
They finished their sandwiches and spent the next hour fishing. They gabbed about nothing, joked about everything, and like two young boys where the world was theirs alone, found themselves laughing time and again. The sun was brutal, and Judd removed his shoes and stuffed his socks into them. Jared followed suit, and they dangled their legs over the side of the bridge. The breeze cooled their bare feet with the fine mist from the falls.
“Judd?” Jared said, dipping his line. He hadn’t seen any action, and Judd had fared no better.
“Yeah.”
“What makes you happy?”
“What kinda question is that?”
“Pretty simple one, I thought.”
Judd considered. “Fixin’ engines, I guess.”
“No, no. That’s what you do.”
“So? I like it.”
“Yeah. Good. But I’m talking about what makes you really happy. You know?”
“… My dogs.”
Jared had their names on the tip of his tongue. But damn if he could remember, suddenly. He started tapping his reel.
“My dogs,” Judd repeated.
“Yeah, I know. I just can’t remember their names right now.”
“Just breathe it out. Remember?”
Jared smiled. Judd had always told him to breathe it out. Way back when it had helped here and there, but it hadn’t helped at all in the last seven years; little had. Still, he drew in a breath and held it, then let it out slowly. He repeated the effort several times, but finally threw a hand up, frustrated. “Nothing. Blank.”
“Sorry,” Judd said. “Oro and—”
“Plata,” Jared finished. “It was right there.” He gave him a look. “Your dogs, huh? Really?”
“What’s wrong with that? You were never no big dog fan.”
“I had a dog in New York! Shows what little you know about Little Brother.”
“No shit. What was it, stuffed?”
Jared laughed. “No, it shit on the floor and everything.”
Judd laughed.
“You didn’t really answer my question,” Jared said. “I mean, if you didn’t have dogs. I know they mean a lot to you. You wear rings for them. And that’s cool. It is. But I’m talking about something deeper, you know?”
“Jesus,” Judd said. “I can feel my head shrinkin’.”
“Sorry. Hey, you know how I am. Zany brainy, and all.”
“Oh, don’t I know it,” Judd said with a chuckle. “Ya used ta drive me nuts with these things. How ’bout this for a change? Insteada pickin’ my brain, why don’tcha tell me what makes Mr. Writer so piss-his-pants happy?”
“I asked you first, Mr. Mechanic.”
Judd capitulated with a roll of his eyes. “Ah, Jesus.” He looked out over the river. Lush forest stood on both sides as far as they could see. The water rushed below them, the sound hypnotic. A small flock of Canada geese floated majestically in a calm spot near the shore.
“This,” he said. “We had a lotta good times here. Hell, if I could, I’d buy a burial plot right on those rocks over there where we saw Tammy’s tits.”
Jared laughed.
“I’m not jokin’,” Judd said earnestly. “This place is pretty special. Ya know, I used to come up here myself sometimes. Usually when I cut school. Or when the old man was pissed at me. But the best times were always with you, Little Brother.”
“Thanks, Judd. For me, too. I mean that.”
Judd reached into his pack and took out his Marlboro Reds. He lit up and offered Jared one.
“Nah, thanks,” Jared said, waving him off. “I finally gave ’em up.”
Judd put the pack away with his Zippo. “I tried for years. Didn’t take. And no lectures about how I should quit.”
“No lectures. But you should.”
“You’re still a real shit, you know that?”
“It’s what I do.”
They fished a while, silent.
“So,” Judd said. “You gonna tell me, or what?”
“Tell you what?”
“What makes Mr. Writer happy. Besides a Land Rover and a million-dollar shack.”
Jared didn’t answer, not at first. “That’s just stuff. It doesn’t make me happy.”
“Well, it’d make this guy shit-faced fuckin’ giddy.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. So what, then?”
Again Jared didn’t answer.
~ 130
Judd set a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Still chasin’ your tail, aren’tcha. Ya know, it’s okay to be happy with the simple stuff. Like who ya are.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothin’,” Judd said. He took a puff of his cigarette and went back to his fishing.
“It’s not nothing,” Jared said. “What did you mean?”
“It means what it means.”
“Oh, well, that explains it. Come on, Judd.”
“Forget it. Don’t make somethin’ out of it. Jesus.”
“For Christ’s sake, I’m not thirteen any more. Stop trying to protect Little Brother. In case you hadn’t noticed, I grew up.”
Judd smirked.
“What the hell’s that for?” Jared said.
Judd took another drag. “Ya didn’t answer my question. Fact is, ya don’t have an answer, do ya?”
Jared shook his head, irked. “I’m happy with who I am.”
Again Judd smirked. “Really.”
“Really.” Jared turned away and looked out over the water. It was so Judd to piss him off like this. Brawn bullies Brain.
“And just so we’re clear,” he went on, “I’m fucking thrilled to drive a Land Rover. And my house? It’s Disneyland.”
“Yeah, fucking Disneyland. Perfect little house on the prairie.”
“What—you jealous?”
“Jealous? Of you?”
“Yeah. Of the Little Brother who could.”
“Don’t try that word shit with me. It don’t work. It never did.”
“Oh, it did,” Jared said. “You always hated the fact that I did well in school.”
“I didn’t give two shits about school. Or how ya did. I gave a shit about you. Somethin’ you never did.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You,” Judd barked. “Jared Fucking Cole.”
“You’re not making an
y sense.”
“Then answer the goddamn question.”
Jared still had no answer.
“Jesus,” Judd said. “You got all those fancy words, but ya can’t put two of ’em together to answer one simple question. Let me put it this way: You got all this money. Got this great big house. But who’s name is on the fucking mailbox?”
“Cole,” Jared said emphatically. “That’s my name.”
“So why’d you change it? Huh? Collado not good enough for ya?”
“Christ,” Jared said. “It’s just something writers do. If you must know, my agent suggested it. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“Try me. I’m not as stupid as ya think.”
“I don’t have to justify this to you. Or anybody.”
“That include you?”
“Jesus, Judd! What the hell do you want from me?”
“I wanna know why ya turned your back on your family like this.”
“I didn’t turn my back on anyone,” Jared said. “I’m still the same person. It’s just a name.”
“It’s my name. Our name.”
“So what do you want? A fucking billboard on the outside of town?”
“Ya know what I think? I think ya changed it ’cause yer embarrassed by it. By me.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Judd. Get over yourself.”
“Really? You got any idea what it’s like havin’ everyone in town call ya Jared Cole’s brother?”
Jared shook his head. “More than you know.”
“Yeah. Right. What the hell do you know about it?”
“Are you kidding me? Fine. You wanna know why I changed it? Not because I was embarrassed by you, Judd. I got tired of living in your shadow.”
“Gimme a break.”
“A break? Really? It was always, ‘Judd won this,’ or ‘Judd won that.’ How many fucking trophies did I have to see in our room with your name on it? How many ribbons? And let’s not forget the girls, Big Brother. You got ’em all. Most of them looked at me like the nerd that I was. So you see? I wanted something for me. Just me. I wanted to show everyone that I was something besides Judd Collado’s little brother.”
“Same old Jared,” Judd said. “It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? Ya know how many times I took the shit for you? How much I looked after you?”
“You want a medal, Judd? How ‘bout money? Maybe a new truck? How much blood do you want from me? How many times do I have to thank you for being you?”
“I don’t want nothin’ from you. I never asked nothin’ a you. It was you who left. It was you who disrespected this family.”
“You arrogant son of a bitch. I made something of myself. What the fuck have you done?”
Judd flicked his cigarette over the side. “You wanna know somethin’, smartass? Ma never understood this ‘Cole’ thing. She told me as much. Dad, either.”
“Don’t bring them into this.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. We’re not supposed to talk about them. Well. Guess it’s a good thing they didn’t have to live with the disappointment.”
“You bastard,” Jared said. He set down his rod and swung his legs up, then got to his feet and grabbed hold of the railing. The bridge swayed a little, and he had to snag his fishing pole with his foot before it rolled off.
Judd looked up defiantly. “What’s the matter, Little Brother? Ya never could handle the truth, couldja?”
Jared stewed.
“Yeah, just stand there sayin nothin’,” Judd said. “What’s wrong? No, wait. Lemme guess. You don’t remember what happened. Funny, you don’t have no problems rememberin’ other shit.”
“That’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!”
“Nothin’ ever is.”
“What do you want, Judd? A confession? You want me to jump?”
Judd laughed. “I don’t expect a damn thing. Not from you. You can stand there all high and mighty and pretend all ya want. Maybe it helps ya sleep at night. But some day that house a cards a yours is gonna come crashin’ down. And Big Brother’s not gonna be there to pick up the pieces. I’m done.”
“Fine,” Jared said. He scooped up his shoes, then, like an angry child, kicked his fishing rod from the bridge.
“You little shit,” Judd said. He got up with his rod in hand and started rocking the bridge. The black pack rolled off.
“Stop it!” Jared shouted. “Are you fucking crazy?”
~ 131
Judd kept rocking the rope bridge. He had this devil-may-care glint in his eye.
Jared nearly lost his balance and had to grab the railing. He turned from his brother and started to ease along the bridge. A plank gave under his weight, and he slipped down to his knees. He lost his grip on his shoes, and they tumbled from the bridge.
“Judd! Stop it!”
But Judd wouldn’t stop. His left shoe slipped off the bridge, and the right slid close to the edge. The khaki pack rolled off. The bridge continued to rock and sway, and Judd’s right shoe was lost.
Jared gathered himself and kept going. He nearly tripped on the mound of planks as he stepped over it. At the foot of the bridge he leapt over the missing planks, planting himself on solid ground. Turning back to his brother, he found a crazed, barefooted Judd running toward him.
He tried to move out of the way. Judd was too quick, throwing down his fishing rod and tackling him. They hit the ground hard, and Jared was winded. Judd hammered him with fists, dizzying him, and he grabbed a handful of dirt and flung it into Judd’s eyes.
“You little fuck!” Judd screamed.
Jared pushed him off and tried to scramble away on all fours. Judd grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him back. Jared flipped over onto his back and endured the agony of landing on hard rock. He placed a solid kick to Judd’s jaw, and Judd grimaced at the pain.
Jared got to his feet. Judd got to his.
“Not bad,” Judd said, rubbing his jaw. He beckoned with his hands. “Come on, Little Brother. Take a shot.”
“I’m not going to fight you, Judd.”
“Same old Jared. Ya know why ya don’t get the girl? No fucking balls.”
“I got the girl.”
“Who? Marisa? That’s a laugh.”
“Like you fucking know.”
“Who the hell do ya think sent me?”
Jared reeled. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Marisa had talked to Judd. And now he wondered exactly what she had told him.
“Yeah, I know that look,” Judd said. “That fucked-up brain a yours must be spinnin’ a mile a minute right now.”
Jared stood cold, staring.
“Look at you,” Judd went on. “She practically begged me to come see you. Chlorine in the pool? You must really think I’m stupid. What the hell is goin’ on with you?”
“Nothing that concerns you,” Jared said. He turned away and made three steps toward the trail.
“If it concerns Artie,” Judd snapped, “it concerns me.”
Jared stopped. He kept his back to his brother. “What did she say to you?”
“She didn’t say squat. But I know scared when I see it. Like now.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Bullshit.” Judd stepped up and grabbed Jared by the arm. “What the hell is goin’ on?”
“Nothing,” Jared said, yanking his arm free.
“Somethin’s goin’ on around here, Little Brother. Some really nasty shit. And you’re buried so goddamn deep in it, ya can’t fuckin’ breathe.”
Jared started to move around him. “I’m going back to the truck.”
Judd blocked his path. “You’re not goin’ nowhere. Not till I get some answers.”
“I don’t answer to you. Now back off.”
“Or what? Ya gonna walk home? You even remember where your house is?”
“Nice, Judd. Real nice.”
Judd glared, towering over Jared. Judd gave him a shove.
“Don’t,” Jared said. “Ju
st don’t.”
“You’re runnin’ scared. Just like ya always do.”
“I’m not running from anything. And I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“I understand just right. You got that same scared look like ya always had. Fuck, you used to get lost walkin’ home from school, for Christ’s sake. Ya always looked like you were gonna shit your prissy little pants.”
Judd pushed Jared again. Jared seethed.
“What’s wrong, bro? Can’t man up?” Judd shoved Jared hard.
“Damn you!” Jared sprang forward, unprepared for his brother’s speed. Judd shoved him back and stunned him with a fist to the gut and one to the jaw. Jared doubled over in pain, winded. He spat blood. His rotting molar came with it.
“You listen good, Little Brother. I don’t know what the hell’s got you so spooked, but I do know this: It’s bigger than you. And it’s gonna catch up with you. This ain’t high school shit. You don’t get a choice here. For once in your miserable, brain-fucked life, act like a goddamn man.”
Jared charged again, his anger boiling. He struck Judd with his shoulder, but it was like ramming a wall. Judd grabbed him and threw him to the ground, and before he knew it the man was straddling him, driving fists into his face. Judd finally got off of him, and he lay there, dazed. Warm blood filled his mouth, and he had to cough some of it up before he choked on it.
He rolled to his side. He groaned at the ache where his bruise was, the pain throbbing almost as much as his jaw. A pair of big blurry rocks sat ten feet away; a pair of big blurry Judds sat on top of them. The trees and the sun seemed to spin around him, and it took a moment for his head and his vision to clear.
Judd had his back to him, staring out over the falls. Jared struggled to his knees, then to his feet. He felt a small cut on his cheek where one of Judd’s rings had sliced into him. He spat out a little more blood.
“Judd?” He stepped up beside him. Judd stared ahead, expressionless. “Judd.”
“… You okay?”
Jared tried to ignore the pain. “I’ll live.”
Judd nodded. “You gonna tell me what’s goin’ on?”
“You know I’m not.”
“Yeah. I know. Doesn’t matter.”
“We lost the bags, you know. And our shoes.”
“Like I care.”
Gateway Page 31
