by Janice Lynn
They made it to her bed, remembering the condom this time, and reached just as high heights as they had the night before. When they’d climaxed and Emily lay there trying to catch her breath, Lucas stroked his fingers over her lower back, tracing the dip right above her buttocks.
He was so good, such a perfect lover. Only, he wasn’t her lover. Not really. He was a man she was having sex with whom, if she wasn’t careful, she would end up being destroyed by again. She couldn’t let herself fall into the trap of thinking they had a second chance. To do that would be foolish and asking for trouble.
Within minutes, his breathing evened out and she realized he’d dozed off. Panic hit her. She rolled over onto her side to face him and shook his shoulders. “You can’t go to sleep. You have to leave.”
“I know.” But he didn’t open his eyes.
He’d looked so tired when he’d arrived that she felt guilty. It was long after midnight.
But she couldn’t sleep with Lucas. She couldn’t snuggle up next to him and close her eyes and drift off into sleep, expecting to wake next to him. For one, what if he was gone when she woke? How devastating would that be? But even more important, what kind of expectations would her heart attach to waking next to Lucas? To sleep next to the man she’d once thought she’d spend the rest of her life sleeping next to, to wake next to the man she’d once given all her love to, was just too intimate. She couldn’t do it.
With more gusto, she shook him again. “Lucas, you need to get out of my bed. You can’t stay here.”
His eyes opened and he frowned.
“Why not? What does it matter?” Lucas asked, yawning as he stretched in her bed and looked way too perfect as the covers slipped low on his waist.
Fighting to keep her gaze trained on his face, she assured him, “It matters.”
“Why?”
Why? Such an innocent question, but the answers ran much deeper than she could ever elaborate.
“I don’t want you here,” she answered as simply as she could. Perhaps a grand oversimplification, but she didn’t want him there.
“You wanted me here a few minutes ago,” he reminded her, rolling onto his side and grinning sleepily at her.
“That was just sex.”
Lord, she hoped what they’d shared was just sex on her part. She couldn’t go through another round of heartbreak. She’d barely survived the first time.
* * *
Just sex. The words rankled Lucas. Just sex. He didn’t want anything permanent. So just sex should be fine. So why did her claim irritate him?
What he did want was her friendship back. He’d always been able to talk to her, to share his thoughts, to tell her things that had happened throughout the day. Right up until they’d gotten married, that was. Then their communication skills had gone missing. Eventually, they’d been leading completely separate lives.
How had that happened between him and the woman he’d been so crazy about?
He reached out and ran his fingertip over her bare hip. She was beautiful. Ethereal even. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay?”
“Positive.” She climbed out of the bed and handed him his underwear to prove her point.
“Have you eaten?”
She nodded. “I heated up something when I got home.”
He saw the hesitation on her face, the battle that took place prior to her asking, “Did you?”
He shook his head. “I’m starved.”
Her shoulders stiffened and again war waged within her. “There’s a twenty-four-hour Chinese takeout that’s pretty good on the corner.”
Sitting up on the side of the bed, he nodded. He could take a hint. She really did want him to leave.
“Or I could heat up some leftovers from last night.”
“Liver, broccoli and asparagus after midnight?”
She nodded.
What was wrong with him that he’d rather eat his three least favorite foods in the early-morning hours than go get Chinese takeout?
“Okay, sounds good.” He wasn’t lying. The thought of spending more time with her did sound good.
Because he wanted more from Emily than just sex.
He always had wanted more from Emily than just sex.
He wanted her in his life.
Just this time, they wouldn’t make the mistake of marriage.
* * *
Why had Emily offered to heat up leftovers for Lucas? She berated herself over and over as she pulled plastic containers from her refrigerator.
She should have made him leave. He was a big boy. He wouldn’t have starved. He’d obviously been feeding himself for the past five years just fine without her.
He’d been doing just fine on a lot of things without her.
Because his body was honed to a lean muscle machine. He’d always been fit, but he’d taken his physique to a higher level.
Which she’d thoroughly appreciated when it came to the man’s endurance and stamina. He was a truly phenomenal lover.
Not because of his body, although that was certainly easy on the eye. No, it was what he did to her body, how he looked at her as if she were the most desirable thing he’d ever seen, as if he couldn’t kiss her, touch her, be inside of her nearly enough if he spent the rest of his life trying. It was in the combination of desperation, awe and tenderness in which he touched her. As if she were precious and he couldn’t quite believe he was with her, touching her. Those were the things that made him a phenomenal lover.
He made her feel special.
He had before, too.
Which was how she’d ended up giving him her virginity despite the fact she’d intended to wait until marriage. An outdated view, she knew and openly admitted, but she’d thought it a gift she’d wanted to save for her husband.
She’d been as desperate for consummation as he’d been and they’d never even discussed marriage on the afternoon he’d surprised her by coming by her apartment earlier than expected. She’d been reading a nursing magazine and he’d walked in, kissed her, and even before they’d gone to her bedroom, she’d known she wasn’t going to stop him that time as she had before. She’d known she was desperately in love with him and wanted him to be her first even if she’d known he was wildly out of her league.
He’d proposed a month later and they’d married the month after that. Everything had been rushed, but it had been what Lucas had wanted and she’d been so ecstatic that she’d just gone along for the ride.
In hindsight, she realized she should have known better.
They’d been as different as night and day.
“What are you thinking about?”
She spun toward his voice. “Why?”
“Because you’ve been standing there opening and closing that plastic lid over and over for the past five minutes.”
“Oh.” But she didn’t tell him she’d been thinking about them. She probably didn’t have to. After the past two nights, he probably had a pretty good idea what weighed on her mind. “I don’t like you, you know.”
“That’s what you were thinking about?”
“I don’t want to date you,” she added, ignoring his question.
“Okay.” He didn’t argue.
“Our having sex again is a very bad idea.”
“Probably.”
She swapped the bowl in the microwave out for the one she held. “I don’t like you.”
“You’ve already said that.”
“I just wanted to make sure we were clear.”
“Why don’t you like me, Emily?”
“Because...” Because he’d broken her heart into a zillion pieces that had never completely fit back together no matter how she’d tried. Because he was so freaking perfect and she was just her. Because... “You’re my
ex-husband. I’m not supposed to like you.”
“Says who?”
“Says everyone.”
“Since when did you listen to what everyone says?” he challenged.
“Don’t act like you know me. I’ve changed a lot the past five years.”
His gaze skimmed over her from her face down her T-shirt, gym shorts, and then over her legs to her bare feet. It was all she could do to hold her toes still rather than shuffle her feet at his inspection.
“You haven’t changed that much.”
“Maybe not on the surface, but inside I’ve changed a lot.” The microwave dinged, indicating the bowl was heated, but she didn’t remove it, just stared at him, refusing to let her gaze waver. “I’m not an innocent kid anymore that it’s easy for some smooth-talking man to come along and take advantage of.”
“Is that how you saw me back then? As a smooth-talking man who took advantage of your innocence?”
Did she? Not really. “You were definitely more experienced in the ways of life than I was.”
“A rock was more experienced in the ways of life than you were.”
She wasn’t sure if she should be offended or not.
“Good thing I decided to go out and get a life.” She turned, took the bowl out of the microwave, grateful the dish was still warm. “I’ll let you take out however much you want. You may need to throw your plate back into the microwave for a few minutes, though.”
“Why did you open your apartment door, Emily? For sex?”
Why did he think she’d opened the door?
“We have nothing in common, have no desire to build a future together, no history we want to repeat. The only thing we have between us is good sex. Of course sex is why I opened my apartment door. Now, hurry up and finish your food so you can leave. I’m tired and scheduled to work tomorrow.”
Her words sounded so logical, so like she believed them. If only she did. If only when she looked at him she didn’t long for things that would never be.
CHAPTER NINE
CASSIE WAS STILL in a medication-induced coma when Emily took report the following morning. She was grateful the child didn’t seem to be in pain or suffering. Her poor mother, on the other hand, was a wreck when Emily checked on the girl.
“When will she wake up?” the woman asked from where she sat next to Cassie’s bed.
“That depends on a lot of things. For right now, Dr. Cain believes it’s in her best interest to keep her unconscious to give her more time to recover from her procedure.”
“She’s not going to know anything, is she?”
A scary question, because the increased intracranial pressure from the bleed had only complicated things that were already complicated enough.
“There’s really not a way to know at this point. I do know Dr. Cain is very hopeful that she won’t have lost any major body function or thought processes.”
“She might not know who I am when she wakes up,” Mrs. Bellows cried. “Do you know how horrible that will be if my baby wakes up and doesn’t know who I am? And this isn’t even it. Once she recovers from this, she’ll still have to have the tumor removed. Life is so unfair.”
Cassie’s mother began sobbing. Emily stopped what she was doing and held her, letting her cry on her shoulder.
“Dr. Cain is an excellent neurosurgeon. From everything he said, he views the surgery as a success. Let’s wait and see how Cassie is when she wakes up before we borrow trouble,” she soothed. “She’s going to need you to be strong for her.”
Who was she to tell this woman to be strong? She’d never dealt with a child who had to have brain surgery. She’d never gotten to deal with a living, breathing child at all, which wrenched her heart with a grief she rarely let rear its ugly head. Sometimes she felt so inadequate at her job. Sometimes she wished she had the power to instantly heal her patients.
“I know she is going to need me,” Cassie’s mother agreed. “I want to be strong, but this is hard.”
“I can only imagine,” she answered honestly. “All Cassie’s vitals held during the night and this morning, too. Everything is stable. That’s a blessing.”
The woman nodded. “I’m just being impatient, wanting her to wake up and be normal.”
“Hopefully, that’s exactly where she will be soon.”
Both women jumped at the voice joining their conversation.
“Dr. Cain.”
“Lucas,” Emily said at the same time, then corrected herself. “Dr. Cain, we didn’t hear you come in.”
“I see that.” He smiled empathetically at Cassie’s mother but didn’t look at Emily. “How’s our girl this morning?”
“The same as last night when you stopped by about two.”
He’d come back to the hospital after leaving her apartment? Did the man sleep? While they’d been married, she’d often wondered how he pulled the long hours he did, how he got by on so little sleep.
“Thank you for that, by the way,” Mrs. Bellows continued. “You sitting with me meant a lot.”
Not only had he stopped by, but he’d stayed and sat with Cassie’s mother. Why? Seemed she asked that question a lot where Lucas was concerned these days.
She stared at him, taking in his dark navy scrubs that did little to hide his abundant sex appeal. His dark hair was ruffled, whether by the wind or from running his fingers through the silky tufts she wasn’t sure.
She’d run her fingers through his hair the night before. She’d... No, she was not going to go there.
What little sleep he’d gotten the night before must have been in the doctors’ lounge. Why?
“If there’s nothing you need from me, Dr. Cain, I’m going to check on my other patient,” Emily said, needing to get away from him, away from her questions.
“Sorry I went all boo-hoo on you,” Cassie’s mother apologized, rising from her chair and giving Emily a quick hug.
“Not a problem.” She hugged the woman tightly, then didn’t wait for Lucas to say anything, just exited the room as quickly as she could without causing a commotion.
“What have you been up to? Because you look guilty as sin,” Meghan pointed out the moment Emily stepped into the hallway.
With a backward glance toward Cassie’s room, she shushed her friend. “Nothing.”
“Right. That’s why your cheeks are all flushed and your eyes have a light in them that I never saw Richard put there.”
“Shh!” she repeated. “I don’t have a light in my eyes unless it’s tears from how much my heart hurts from what my patient and her family are going through.”
“Sorry, I heard about Cassie’s brain bleed and how you volunteered as a surgical nurse last night near the end of your shift.” Meghan’s gaze cut back toward Cassie’s room. “He’s in there, isn’t he?”
“I’ve no idea where Richard is.” She purposely misunderstood. She didn’t want to talk about Lucas, not even with Meghan. “I told you we ended things.”
“I wasn’t referring to your pharmacist and you know it.”
Emily sighed. She should have known Meghan wouldn’t let her get away with that one. Still, at least she’d bought a few seconds to collect herself a little.
She grabbed her friend’s arm and walked her away from Cassie’s room. “Yes, I know who you mean, and yes, he is in there, and no, I don’t want to talk about him.”
An “I knew it” smile spread across Meghan’s face. “You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
“What?”
Meghan gave her a no-brainer look. “Don’t bother denying it, because I know you did. I’ve never seen you look so twitterpated.”
“I am not twitterpated. If that’s even a word.”
“Sure it’s a word. Didn’t you ever watch that kids’ cartoon with the deer?�
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She frowned.
“And you, my friend, are twitterpated.”
“If that means I’m aggravated at you for making wild accusations, then yep, I am.”
“I note you said wild and not false.”
Knowing she was fighting a losing battle, she just shrugged and stared at her friend.
Meghan’s mouth dropped open and her eyes sparkled with animation. “You did. You had sex with Dr. Cain. Was he as awesome as he looks like he’d be?”
Would the floor please open up and swallow her now?
“I’m not answering that and would you please whisper? I don’t want anyone to overhear you.”
“You don’t have to answer.” Meghan looked as if she might burst with excitement. Seriously, had her friend disliked Richard that much? “I can tell by your face.”
Emily glanced around the busy hospital hallway. “This is not where we should be having this conversation.”
“Then let’s go have dinner together after we get off work this evening. You can tell me everything.”
Emily didn’t meet her friend’s eyes.
“You can’t, can you? Because you’re seeing him?”
Emily shrugged again. “We don’t have any specific plans.”
“But you’re hoping you’ll see him?” Meghan guessed again.
“I suspect I will.”
How ridiculous was she being? She was not going to go home and wait around in hopes that Lucas would show up for another round of sex. She just wasn’t.
Yet that was exactly what she’d been thinking when she’d not agreed to Meghan’s suggestion.
“Let’s do it,” she said, unwilling to start the “sitting around waiting on him” bit. She’d been there and done that years ago. “Where do you want to meet?”
Meghan arched a brow. “You’re sure?”
“Absolutely.”
* * *
How pathetic was Lucas that he was knocking on Emily’s apartment door hoping to be invited back into her bed?
Pretty pathetic.
So why was he still standing there?
Because he was crazy about her.
He hadn’t meant to fall for Emily again, but he was hooked. If he hadn’t realized before, when she’d thrown him out the previous night he had realized how much he wanted to stay. How much he wanted her to want him to stay.
