by Patti Doss
By the time the kids made it home, I was done cooking and was sitting watching television relaxing with a glass of Merlot. I was never much of a wine drinker, but for some reason I had a taste for it. Persia dropped the kids off. Since dinner was already done, I told her and her kids to stay over for dinner.
Persia looked at me as if I was drunk, as if that could be the only reason that I was so calm. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. I swear. I’m just not trying to dwell on Mike and Rachel.”
She let it go, and I poured her a glass of Merlot. We sipped on our wine and watched television until the children had finished their homework. Then we got ready to eat dinner.
After dinner, Persia and the kids decided to stay over for a while. Just as Persia and I were about to sit down and enjoy another glass of wine, my cell phone rang.
I figured it was Mike. He had been calling me ever since I put him out. I really did not feel like talking to anybody, so I just let the phone rang. If it was important enough, then the caller would leave a message.
When the phone finally stopped ringing, I grabbed it to see who had called me. I didn’t recognize the number, so I checked my voicemail.
It was Jamal. He was calling to ask me to go to a party with him that night. I must have smiled while listening to the voicemail because Persia started grinning from ear to ear and asking all types of questions. “Who was that? Why are you smiling? You must got some good news.” Then she started giggling.
I know she was trying to cheer me up. Persia was my very best friend, and we didn’t keep secrets, so I told her about the message and about Jamal.
Persia was never the judgmental type. I think that is why we got along so well with each other.
“So are you going to go?”
I frowned as I thought about it. “I’m not ready to date that fast.”
“Why not?” she replied.
“Because I’m just not ready. Plus I think he is looking for a relationship. That’s the last thing that I need or want right now. I just need some time to get myself together.”
Persia nodded and said, “That may be true, so just be honest with him and let him know that. Don’t push him away though. He could be your blessing in disguise, but you won’t know until you give him a chance. Or you can just hire him to handle your divorce!”
We both started laughing. That’s why I loved Persia so much. She was pretty much the only one that could make me smile and laugh when my whole world was falling apart. I’ve talked to Persia about things that I have never even spoken to my mom, sisters, or soon-to-be ex-husband about.
Persia did have a point though. Sitting in the house, feeling sorry for myself, was not going to erase what happened. My marriage was over. It was time to face that fact.
“You’re right,” I told Persia. “I’m going to go.”
She squealed. “Really?!”
I simply nodded at her because I was calling Jamal back.
“Hello?”
I briefly closed my eyes to savor his voice. “Hey, Jamal.”
“Hey, Tammie. Did you get my voicemail?”
“I sure did. I will be happy to go.”
Beside me, Persia was beaming and hopping up and down on the couch.
“I can have a car pick you up.”
I declined. I didn’t feel comfortable giving him my address. I told him that I would meet him at the Wal-Mart off East West Connector near Shoe Show and Dollar Tree.
He chuckled. “Okay. If you insist.”
Once we confirmed a time and hung up, Persia was staring at me smiling. “Go ahead and get ready. I’ll watch the kids. Have fun and enjoy yourself. You deserve to be happy.”
I went up the stairs to start preparing for this new journey. I wasn’t looking for love but if it happened to find me, I wasn’t going to turn it away.
After fourteen years of off-again on-again drama, hurt, and pain, maybe it was time for a new beginning!
Chapter 13
RACHEL
I still can’t believe all of this is happening.
The office that I was sitting in was not what I expected. It looked just like a regular doctor’s office. There was no indication that this was a place that made babies disappear.
My heart was beating so fast. I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I never believed in abortions, but considering the circumstances, I really had no other choice. I used to say that no matter what the situation may be, no baby deserved to die. Now my whole perspective on abortion had changed overnight. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, abortion was the only thing that had been on my mind.
As much as I wanted to get this done, the thought of getting an abortion weighed heavily on my heart. The longer the wait, the sicker I felt and the more I wanted to just get up and go home. I started getting nauseated, but I didn’t want to vomit. I just wanted this nightmare to be over.
The office was so quiet. No one was talking. Most of the women and girls that were there had someone there with them, but I had no one. I continued to sit in silence and fill out the vigorous paperwork while fighting back my tears. The words of my grandmother started echoing in my head, “If you are woman enough to get it, then be woman enough to deal with it!”
My grandmother told me that when I got pregnant with my first child my senior year of high school. Those words caused tears to roll down my face. I tried to fight them with all my might, but the tears still managed to fall. Just as I was wiping my eyes again, a young girl, no more than sixteen, emerged from the back completely distraught and crying. She was screaming that she couldn’t do it. My tears started to fall harder and faster as I watched her. I knew exactly how she was feeling because I had been fighting that feeling ever since I walked in the door.
Her mother and a nurse were trying to calm her down and take her back into the back, but the girl did not budge. She begged her mom to take her home, to not make her do this. The mother kept talking about how this was the best thing for her. The girl asked her mother again to please take her home, but the mother refused to take her home and the girl begin crying louder and harder. Finally, the doctor came out and informed the mother that under the circumstances, he would not perform the operation. The mother shook her head, got her daughter and prepared to leave. Even though they were finally leaving, the girl was still crying loudly. The harder the girl cried, the more tears fell from my eyes.
I was not the only one. That girl’s fight to save her unborn child touched everyone in that waiting room. My grandmother’s voice started playing again in my head. For a moment, it felt like my grandmother was near me. I could smell the coconut oil she used to always put in her hair.
I whispered to myself, “I hear you, Grandma,” as I grabbed my belongings and told the nurse that I changed my mind.
I left. I rushed to my car with tears rolling down my face. On my way to my car, I saw the girl and her mother sitting in a gray colored van. The girl was crying, and the mother was still yelling at her. As I passed by them, the girl looked at me. Our eyes met. Her eyes were screaming for me to help her, for someone to understand her and her decisions.
I gave her a look that said, “It’s going to be ok,” even though I knew there were no guarantees, especially if her situation was as complicated as mine.
The road ahead was not going to be easy for her or for me, but because of her and my guardian angel, my grandmother, I was making the first step.
Chapter 14
TAMMIE
After trying on half of my closet, I decided on a black strapless cocktail dress with black open toe Jessica Simpson pumps with black and silver accessories for my date with Jamal. I wore a platinum diamond necklace with the matching earrings and tennis bracelet. Mike had given me the set for my birthday. I would have packed it along with the rest of his stuff, but I couldn’t bring myself to let go of it.
I still remembered that day. It was one of the few days where I actually felt like he loved me as much as I loved him. We had ta
ken a trip to New Orleans for my birthday and the Essence Festival. Everything was so perfect. We rarely ever had time alone, so I guess that’s what made the trip so special. It was our first trip without the kids.
Anyway, we had a picnic in Jackson Square, watched the boats down by the pier, went to the French Quarters market, got a horse and carriage ride throughout downtown New Orleans and the French Quarters, and even took a tour of the Louisiana bayous. At the Essence Festival, we saw Mary J. Blige, Trey Songs, Beyonce, Anthony Hamilton, Alicia Keys, and many other artists.
We had a blast.
On the night of my birthday, he took me to Lagasse’, Chef Emeril’s restaurant. The restaurant was beautiful, and the food was delicious. Right before dessert, he gave me a black velvet box while saying, “Happy birthday,” with the most beautiful smile on his face. I opened the box, and inside was this fourteen-carat white gold diamond necklace with four-carat diamond earrings and a matching diamond tennis bracelet.
After dinner, we made love like we never had before. I should have suspected something then. Now that everything is in the open, looking back, I don’t know how I missed the signs. The late-night meetings. The overnight trips, spontaneous gifts, and the lack of sex followed by sex binges.
How did I overlook all those signs? Maybe I was just blinded by love, or maybe I was just in denial.
I had butterflies all the way to Wal-Mart to meet Jamal. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had butterflies. As I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted Jamal standing next to his car. As I pulled into the parking spot next to him, those butterflies went crazy. I turned off the engine and started taking off the flats I had driven in and put on my pumps.
Jamal walked over to the car and opened the door for me. Can’t say I remember the last time that happened. Then he said, “Hello, Tammie. I’ve been waiting to see you again all day.”
Damn, he’s fine. I smiled. “Hello.”
As I started to get out, Jamal grabbed my hand to balance me and helped me step out of my truck. Mike had never done that for me, no matter how tall my heels were. I didn’t know if Jamal was putting on a front or if he was really being genuine, but he had me blushing like I never had before. I put my foldable flats into my purse for later use if necessary. After I gathered all my things and locked my door, I realized that Jamal was staring at me.
I asked, “Is something wrong?”
He replied, “No, there’s nothing wrong. Everything is perfect, and you look beautiful.”
There I was, blushing again. “Thank you.” Those butterflies were coming back in full force!
We got in the car and left for the party.
In the car, I told myself to forget all the drama and focus on enjoying myself. Jamal told me that the event was going to be at the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead. I had never been to the Ritz-Carlton, but I’d heard nothing but great things.
By the time we arrived at the gala, things were already under way. Jamal talked with colleagues from his firm and networked with other firms for about forty-five minutes. I kept getting butterflies every time Jamal introduced me to his colleagues.
Then we were alone. Some soft instrumental music was playing. Jamal asked me to dance, so we began to sway to the beat. At first it was kind of awkward because Jamal didn’t know how close I would allow him to get. Also, I had never been this close to another man other than my husband. For the first time that evening, I felt bad about being there with Jamal despite what Rachel and Mike had done.
But tonight was about letting go of the past and making new beginnings, so I held Jamal close to me, put my head on his chest and just danced all my troubles away. As wrong as it was, it felt so good. It was as if Jamal knew just how I liked to be held. We did not talk while we danced. Jamal just held me as if he was trying to comfort me. Just as I became lost in my thoughts, the instrumental version of Stevie Wonder’s Ribbon in the Sky started to play.
I froze.
Hearing that song made me think of my wedding day, which made me think of Mike, which made me think of him and Rachel. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my face. I ran off the dance floor, leaving Jamal standing there. He ran after me.
I could hear him calling after me. “Tammie! Hold up.”
I found the restroom and went inside to try to get myself together. I was so embarrassed. Thank goodness nobody was in the restroom because my tears were falling harder and faster. All the hurt, pain, and trauma I’ve been holding in was making its debut. I sat on that toilet and cried for what seemed like hours. Eventually, Jamal opened the door and asked if I was okay.
“I’m okay,” I lied. “I’ll be out soon.”
I got up, cleaned my face, touched up my makeup and exited the restroom, leaving all my hurt, tears, pain, and thoughts of Rachel and Mike there.
“Are you okay?” Jamal’s concerned eyes met mine as I stepped out of the restroom. “Do you want to leave?”
I replied, “I’m okay. We can stay.”
Just then, Jamal grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. He hugged me. How did he know that was just what I needed? Jamal held me just right, and it felt so good that I did not stop him.
After a while, Jamal let me go, but he held my hand as we left to rejoin the party. Just as we prepared to walk into the ballroom, up walks Mike … holding hands with a woman!
Mike and I both stopped dead in our tracks. I looked at him, and he looked at me. He let go of the woman’s hand, and I let go of Jamal’s hand.
Jamal looked from me to Mike. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I replied, “That’s my husband.” I never took my eyes off of Mike, who never took his eyes off of me as we watched one another from a few feet away. I was boiling. I was admittedly heated about him being on a date merely two days since I put him out. But who was I judge? I was too.
Jamal said, “Oh okay. Do you need a minute?”
I grabbed his hand and replied, “No, you’re okay,” as Mike started to walk towards us.
Mike looked at Jamal as if he wanted to hit him or something. The closer he got, I feared that he would.
Mike started to talk, but I cut him off. I said, “Hello, Mike. Enjoy your evening,” and continued to confidently walk by him and his date.
Jamal and I rejoined the party, before Mike had a chance to say anything.
“Dance with me, Jamal,” I said. I wasn’t about to let Mike mess this night up for me. I wondered who in the hell that woman was and if he was cheating on me with her too. I wasn’t going to let him see me sweat or ruin my night though.
He replied, “Sure, if that’s what you want. Are you sure you are okay?”
“I’m fine. I just want to enjoy this moment,” I said.
Jamal said, “Okay,” and led me to the dance floor.
Three songs later, we were still dancing. I knew Mike was somewhere in the room watching me, but I did not care. However, after dancing and a few drinks, I was ready to go.
“I’m ready to go, but I’m not ready for the evening to end,” I admitted.
With a mischievous grin, he asked, “What do you want to do then?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that I really don’t feel like being alone tonight,” I confessed.
Then Jamal grabbed me and gave me another hug. “Okay. Whatever you want, sweetheart.”
While he was hugging me, I kissed him on his neck and let my lips find his. We kissed for what felt like five minutes before Jamal pulled away. I don’t know what had gotten into me. Maybe it was seeing my husband with yet another woman. Maybe I wanted to make him jealous.
Or maybe it was time that I had just as much fun as Mike had been having.
“Will you spend the night with me, Tammie?” I couldn’t hold back the intense blush or the reluctance. “We don’t have to do anything,” Jamal promised. “I’m just not ready for this evening to end either. We can sit up and talk all night, or we can watch TV, or we can find a Waffle House and eat and just talk- it doesn’t matter. I’m just
not ready for you to leave. I’m scared that if I let you leave, I’ll never see you again… and I really want to see you again.”
I mean, I didn’t want to be alone that night, but spending the night with him was a bit much. “I don’t know, Jamal. I mean, I barely know enough about you to be spending a night with you.”
He licked his lips and squinted his eyes as he spoke. “I know, Tammie. But do you trust me?”
I lost my breath. Damn, he is fine!
I tried to act cool, calm and collected. “You seem like a trustworthy person and all but...”
“Okay, then spend the night with me. I tell you what; you can even give one of your friends my address, tag number, whatever else you need so that she will know who you are with and where,” he said with a serious look.
All I could do was laugh. “I don’t think so, Jamal.”
His shoulders sunk with disappointment. “Okay. I’ll get the valet to bring the car around.”
As Jamal left to get the valet to bring his car around, I stopped him. Watching him walk away was like watching the night end. Admittedly, I was just as disappointed as he was.
“Jamal,” I said, “Come here.”
He came to me, and I kissed him again with more passion and depth than I’ve ever kissed a man.
“Don’t get the car just yet. I’ll spend the night with you. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve really enjoyed this night with you as well,” I said.
“I have to admit, Tammie,” he said looking deep into my eyes. “This has been the best night I’ve had in such a long time. I will be happy either way. So what do you want to do?”
“I want to see what else this elegant hotel has to offer,” I whispered.
“Okay,” said Jamal as he left to get a room.
As I was waiting on Jamal, I turned around and saw Mike looking directly at me.
