by Patti Doss
It felt good to admit it all, to say it out loud. I felt so much relief. I looked over at Sharon, and she was balling.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and managed to ask me, “Did you ever tell anyone?”
I replied, “Nobody but God. I wrote a letter to God asking him why he allowed this to happen to me. I felt like my world had been turned upside down. I felt like someone had taken my soul out of me. I wanted to die. I wanted so badly to just go to sleep and never have to wake up. I preferred death over having to face the fact that my uncle had raped me…”
I was interrupted by a knock on the door. A nurse invited herself in. Yet, when she saw the tears in both our eyes, she apologized and quickly left.
“I planned to burn the letter but I fell asleep. For a brief moment, I forgot about my problems. That is until I woke up and realized I had wet the bed and that there was blood. I quickly changed my clothes and the sheets on the bed. I threw the dirty sheets in the trash. Then I laid back down and pretended to be asleep until I heard my uncle leave for church. Then I got up and went to sleep with my momma. When she asked what was wrong, I said nothing. She kept asking and finally I told her my stomach hurt. She hugged me tight, and I drifted off to sleep. Next thing I know I was awakened by someone screaming. I hopped up to see what was going on, and she was standing in the door with the letter I had written to God. I burst out crying. She was crying too. She rushed over to me and asked me if it was true. I told her it was, and I just started crying and screaming how sorry I was. She told me I had nothing to be sorry about and that she was the one sorry, sorry for not believing me. My mom kept crying and telling me how she wouldn’t let him ever hurt me again. She cleaned her face and told me to just lie down. I must have drifted off to sleep again because I woke up to a lot of screaming. I ran out of the bedroom and into the living room. At first, I thought it was my mom, but when I looked up, I saw my uncle with a knife in his chest. My mom had stabbed him. He was cursing and screaming. He tried to grab my mom. The more he moved, the knife seemed to go deeper, and he fell on his side. My mom went over to him, removed the knife and started stabbing him over and over again. I couldn’t run, talk, scream or anything. All I could do was sit in the corner rocking with my hands over my ear and cry. I don’t know who called the police but when I realized what was happening, my mom was being arrested, my uncle was in the ambulance and some lady was taking me with her. My uncle did not die. He lived and got twenty-five years in prison for child molestation and rape. My mom was arrested on attempted murder charges but because of her schizophrenia diagnosis, she was sentenced to five years in a mental ward. During that time, my grandmother got custody of me and my brothers. Even when my mom was released, we continued to stay with our grandmother until she died. When my grandmother died, I felt so alone, like no one truly loved me.”
Sharon was crying her eyes out after I told her what happened to me. She came and sat on the bed with me and just held me. This was my first time ever telling what happened to me, and it felt so good to finally release it. It felt like a breath of fresh air, like a burden had been lifted up off of me.
“Rachel, I love you and so does Persia. Even though Tammie is mad at you right now, I know that she loves you too, but most of all your kids love you. So you got to fight through all this pain. Let it go and let God work in your life so you can move on. It’s time for you to start loving yourself and stop looking for other people to validate you. Stop seeking and let your king find you.”
Then she just held me. For the first time since the rape happened, I felt the pain leave. I felt rejuvenated at the thought of starting my life over without all the baggage. Even though I knew it was going to be harder than ever, I was finally at a place where I was prepared to release the pain of my past and embrace my future, good or bad.
Chapter 22
TAMMIE
I woke up to light knocks on the hospital room door. I noticed Mike asleep on a sleeper cart. The doctor was coming in the room. He told me that I was well enough to be moved from the ICU to a regular room. As the doctor was leaving, Mike was waking up, and Persia was coming in.
“The doctor said that I am well enough to be moved to a regular room.” I was directing my words to Persia.
Mike looked defeated and so uncomfortable. I was relieved when he said, “I have to go home to get dressed. I have to go to the office for a while. I’ll come back later on.”
He tried to kiss me, but I turned away. I didn’t want him to kiss or touch me. Mike shook his head as if to say he understood.
My body was so sore. I thanked God that I was okay and that it was nothing life-threatening. The accident could have been much worse.
“How are the kids?” I asked Persia after Mike shut the door behind himself.
“They are okay. Don’t worry about them. I’ll help out until you get back on my feet. I can use the kids’ company since Derek is back on the road again.”
It seemed like Derek was always on the road, but who was I to judge their relationship when I couldn’t even control my own.
Persia hugged me and asked, “How are you feeling?”
I replied, “I’m doing much better than yesterday.”
Persia’s face became a little complex, and I knew what she was about to ask me. “Mike told me what happened. So, what are you going to do about your marriage?”
I tried to find the words to answer her question, but the truth was, I had no idea what I was going to do. “I don’t know. I just don’t think I can stay in this marriage knowing what he did to me. Part of me wants to leave and never look back. Then the other part wants me to forgive him, work through our problems, and be a family again.”
Persia grabbed my hand and told me, “Well, whatever you decide, I’m here for you and you know that.”
Before I could respond back, my cellular phone started ringing.
It seemed like it was coming from the closet, so I told Persia to pass my phone to me.
I was glad to see that it was Jamal calling, way more than I was to see my husband.
“Hello, Beautiful.”
I smiled for the first time since I left his presence. “Hey, Jamal.”
“I hope this isn’t a bad time. I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.”
I was confused, so I responded, “What do you mean?”
“Oh, you don’t know? I called you, and your husband answered the phone. We kind of had a disagreement. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.”
My eyes rolled into the back of my head. Mike had a lot of nerve. “It’s okay, Jamal. I didn’t know that you called, but you are okay. I’m in the hospital. I must have been asleep when you called.”
I heard his voice flash with concern. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“I was in a car accident, but I’m okay.”
“I’m glad you’re okay. I guess it is a bad idea for me to come visit you, huh?”
“Yes, I don’t really need anymore drama right now, “I replied.
“You’re right.” But he sighed. I could hear that he was disappointed. “I hope you feel better.”
“Thank you, Jamal. I’ll be in touch,” I reassured him. “I just need a little time to deal with some things.” I felt so bad. After the night that we spent together, I hated to say that to him. The accident had taught me that I needed to take care of my drama, not mask it.
“Okay, I understand, but I’m always here if you need me, whether it’s to talk or whatever,” insisted Jamal. “Okay?”
His words brought a smile to my face. “Okay. Thank you.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up.
Persia stayed with me all morning, until it was time for her to get her kids from school. I tried to rest, but my mind was filled with all types of thoughts. I couldn’t get Rachel’s voice out my head; I’m pregnant. Those words kept playing over and over in my head. I remembered bits and pieces from the fight, but not much. I felt like those women on Snapped that don’t remember killing their hu
sbands. Just as my mind was kicking into full gear, Mike called and told me he would be there around six, and he was bringing the kids to see me.
Just as I hung up the phone, there was a knock at the door.
“Come in.”
In walks a nurse with this huge Edible Arrangement bouquet with “get well soon”/”thinking of you” balloons, an envelope and a box of Turtles candy. I figured they must be from Mike but when I opened the envelope, there was a letter folded in front of the card. I knew then that this was not from Mike.
Mike hadn’t written me a letter since high school. I unfolded the letter and began to read, “I know things are complicated in your life right now. I don’t mean to be another complication, but I have to tell you how I feel. I have started this letter over so many times, and I still couldn’t find the right words. I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Tammie, since the first day I saw you at the track; I wanted you to be mine. After really getting to know you, that feeling has only gotten stronger. I know this seems quick. Trust me, I don’t normally do this, but I am really falling for you. I told myself not to think of you. To move on. To stop thinking of you, but I can’t. I don’t know why your heart does not do what your mind tells it. My mind is saying, ‘Give up. She’s married,’ while my heart is saying, ‘She is the one.’ Tammie, you make me laugh. You make me happy. You motivate me, and you give me a feeling that I’ve never had before. You make me feel as if I can do anything. I know it is scary to let go of the usual and to take a chance, but I do wish you would consider taking a chance on me. I know that I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I know that I am asking a lot from you, but you deserve to be happy. I hope I’m not pressuring you. That’s not my intention. When you are ready to talk, or you just need to vent, or whatever, I’m here for you. Just remember, Tammie; sometimes you have to stop looking at how good things used to be and focus on how things really are and how they should be. I’ll be waiting on your response. Get well soon, beautiful! Love, Jamal.”
There were no words to say how I felt at that moment. I then felt so bad for how I’d dismissed him that morning over the phone. I closed my eyes and that night I spent with Jamal took over my thoughts. I must have dozed off because when I woke up, Mike and the kids were there. The kids were so happy to see me that they didn’t even notice the gifts on the bed roller stand. Even though the kids didn’t notice, their father most certainly did. He looked me over as he began to walk over to the arrangement.
Our eyes met and mine said, don’t you dare!
He must have gotten the hint. Instead, he sat in the chair looking out the window, ignoring me until Persia came and got the kids.
After the kids left, Mike finally talked. “Who sent you that arrangement?”
I replied, “Mike, don’t do this!”
“Do what?” he replied raising his voice in the process.
“Ask questions that you really don’t want the answer to!”
“Okay, Tammie. Well, I guess I got my answer,” he said sarcastically.
Angrily, I said, “Mike, you have some fucking nerve! After everything you have done to me, you want to walk up in here and attempt to judge me. You must be crazy! I’m not going there with you. Good night, Mike. I’ll see you in the morning!”
Mike didn’t respond. He just grabbed his things and left.
Chapter 23
MIKE
As I drove home, all I could think about was who sent my wife those flowers. I knew it was probably Jamal. At first I thought the guy was just a rebound guy, someone to get back at me for what I did to her, but the fact that he knew so much about her, her favorite candy Turtles, and how she loved Edible Arrangements instead of flowers seemed to suggest they had bonded emotionally. Once a woman cheats emotionally, it is much worse than physically cheating. When a woman cheats on you with her heart, you have lost her, because a guy that has her heart has all of her!
All kinds of thoughts filled my head. The hardest part was accepting that it was my fault. Jamal was there for her in a way that I used to be. Tammie was right; I had no place to question her after I cheated on her, and with one of her best friends at that.
I didn’t feel like going to the hotel. I wanted to go to a bar and just drink all my sorrows away, but I make stupid decisions when I drink. Instead, I decided to go back to the room. For some reason, Rachel fell on my mind. I never went to check on her after the fight and the accident. I was too occupied with Tammie to check on her, but part of me was simply evading her. I wasn’t ready to face Rachel. What would I say? How could I tell her that I didn’t want this baby? How could I say that the baby was a mistake? There was no right way to say any of that without hurting someone, but that’s exactly how I felt.
As much as I didn’t want to, I had to talk to Rachel.
She finally answered on the fourth or fifth ring. “Hello?”
“Hi, Rachel. We have to talk,” I said.
She replied, “I know.”
Hurriedly, I said, “It’s no point beating around the bush, so I’m going to just say it. Are you really pregnant and is the baby really mine?” My tone was cold, stern, and angry.
With her voice soundly nervous and scared, she replied, “Yes, I’m pregnant, and the babies are yours. You are more than welcome to take a test. I have nothing to hide...”
“Did you say babies?!”
“Yes, I’m pregnant with twins.”
My blood pressure must have shot up about one hundred points because I got dizzy as hell. I tried my best to calm down, knowing that I had to address this situation. It just seemed so surreal. “Rachel, things are really complicated right now. I do not need, nor do I want another baby!”
“What are you saying, Mike?”
Tone harsh and cold again, I replied, “I want you to get rid of them!”
I could hear sniffling, so I knew she was crying. Still crying and sniffing, she said that she was not going to get an abortion. She told me she tried to get one, but she couldn’t go through with it.
I wanted to scold her and make her do what I wanted, but it was her body, and I couldn’t force her to have an abortion. It was not only her fault and her mess. It was mine as well.
I had to deal with it, whether I wanted to or not.
“Okay, Rachel. If the babies are mine, I will take care of them and treat them like I treat my other children.”
“I have a sonogram if you would like to see.”
Realizing that I was actually going to have to deal with this situation, I lowered my voice and eased my tone before I said, “No, I don’t want to see. But before I stress Tammie out any more than she already is, I want to be sure. That sonogram can be fake. I want to go to the first doctor’s visit with you.”
I could sense the happiness in her voice as she cheerfully said, “Okay.”
She seemed so happy, a little too happy, so again, I reiterated, “There is no future between us. I will take care of my kids, but I am not leaving my wife for you. I know that I keep fucking you, but that can never happen again, Rachel. I’m serious. Don’t come to my hotel anymore. What happened between us, should have never happened. It’s as much as my fault as yours. I do realize that, but from here on out that is behind us. The only thing that we have in common right now is those babies you’re carrying.”
For a minute, she didn’t say anything, so I asked, “You understand?”
She reluctantly spoke, “Yes.”
There was nothing left to say. Before she started to get real emotional, I just hung up and left her holding the phone.
Chapter 24
TAMMIE
After two weeks in the hospital, I was more than ready to go home. Mike was picking me up once the kids were off to school. Despite all that had happened, I can say that he had truly stepped up to the plate. Perhaps it was his guilty conscience or maybe, just maybe, he finally realized how lucky he had been to have me in his life. Although, I had not forgiven him and Rachel 100%, I did agree to go to counseling wi
th him to see if our marriage could be salvaged. I knew that in order to do that, and to completely move on, I would have to forgive him and Rachel for their betrayal. I would but not any day soon.
I know this sounds hypocritical or just plain wrong, but Rachel’s betrayal hurt me worse than Michael’s betrayal ever could. Nevertheless, I planned to push any thoughts of her, her betrayal, and my husband’s baby out of my head and enjoy being home with my family.
That morning, as I got ready to leave the hospital, Jamal called. I broke things off with him and told him that I was going to give my marriage another try. Jamal was a wonderful guy, but I didn’t want to make him the rebound guy. I was still filled with the hurt and pain from everything that happened and despite all of that, I still loved my husband.
