His threat was an invitation for me to leave. I was too tired to look back at his pained expression, I was in no mood for his controlling tendencies, his paranoia, his over protectiveness. I was too old for all those things. And so I took the elevator to the ground floor, walked out the door, and once again felt the wind on my face, the wind that is so much a part of living in Chicago.
The air felt brisk; it was October now and winter was fast approaching. I was seriously underdressed for the outdoors but I didn’t care. I just needed to feel the wind. Needed to get out of that apartment building. Needed to get away from Kayden when he was being so ugly.
I walked toward Michigan Avenue, the Magnificent Mile, not wanting to face the lake and the terrible memories of that doomed day. I walked for a long time, in the direction of the Art Institute, until my body began to get seriously cold. I found a coffee shop and decided to go in. I ordered a large hot chai tea and found a table by the window. Looking at the couples walking hand in hand, laughing, and talking, reminded me of how not so long ago we had been one of those couples. And now he lay prostrated at home while I was here by myself. The reality was that it had been my choice to walk out, just as it had been his choice to use abusive language toward me; that I would not allow, never again.
And so I sat there for what seemed like hours. My cell phone kept ringing; I decided to finally answer it.
"When are you coming home?" he asked in a contrite voice.
"I don’t know Kayden, perhaps we need time apart. Perhaps being together twenty-four seven is not a good idea for us," I responded, feeling that perhaps I did need to step away and gain some perspective.
"I'm so sorry baby, I was frustrated; I'm restless. I need to get out of this place myself otherwise I'll go insane."
"Why are you sorry then, Kayden? Does that mean anytime you feel frustrated you can disrespect me? That's not the kind of relationship I want."
"I am sorry for disregarding your feelings. I promise you to try to do better next time. Please come home, I need you."
I did not answer him; I just disconnected the call. But I knew I would go back to him. I couldn't stay away; I loved him too much.
Chapter Sixteen
That night in the apartment there were no games, just silence. Kayden tried to get close to me but couldn't. I made no effort to cuddle next to him. I was still reeling from the fight, if you could call it a fight.
I tried to sleep but couldn't. I hated not talking to him. Kayden was awake, too; I felt him trying to breathe deeply. Before I realized it he was turning to face me.
"Ellie, please talk to me, I can't stand seeing you angry."
"I'm not angry, or at least not now. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on."
"Baby please, you have to understand what these last ten days have done to me. I feel like a prisoner in my own house, like a caged animal. When you left this afternoon, I wanted to run after you but couldn't. Can you imagine what that felt like? Can you understand the pain, the desperation?"
Tears fell down my eyes as I heard his words. I wanted to grab him, to hold him but instead I just listened and cried in silence.
"Since I was a kid I have been an independent person, a take charge person, a physical one. Now I depend on others for everything; I depend on you when I should be here to take care of you, to protect you. I couldn't even protect you that day. And that hurts even more than anything those goons could have done to me. I am only half a man right now."
"Kayden, no, no, please don’t talk like that, don’t think like that. There was nothing, nothing you could have done to protect me; those guys made sure of that."
"I swear to God I am going to find out who they are, and when I do they are going to wish they had never been born." Anger spewed out of his words.
"Kayden, this is only temporary, before you know it you'll be back to your old self. In the meantime we both have to be patient."
His pain had overshadowed mine; I realized I had not told him my deepest fears. They would stay buried until another day, another time when he was not hurting so much. And then I realized I was falling into old patterns.
"Kayden, I'm afraid of getting lost in you, you are so overpowering…I'm afraid of losing sight of who I am or what I want out of this life. But most of all I am afraid of falling into a relationship where there is no mutual respect for the second time in my life." There, I said it, no leaving it for another day!
"You are afraid that I'll be like Julian? That your life with me will be like it was with him?" He was astounded, his voice sounded hurt even.
"For one brief moment, when you talked to me like that, that's all I could see." I wanted to be honest with him, not just protect him. If this relationship was going to work, I owed it to the both of us.
"I'm so sorry baby, I never want you to see that man in me just like you don’t want me to see Megan in you. What we have is unique; sure we'll make mistakes, but we can correct them. Don't run, just stay and fight it out if necessary; fight for us. Don’t you know that I love you? There is nothing, do you hear me, nothing I will not do to keep you by my side."
His words warmed my heart. All I wanted was to get closer to him, and so very carefully I went on top of him. I straddled him around the hips, bending to kiss him.
He wrapped his arms around me then said, "You own me baby and that scares me. I depend on you physically and I am at your mercy emotionally. My moods, my desires, my every thought orbits around you; when you are happy, I am happy; when you are lost, I am desperate; when you left, I felt like I was going to die."
"Oh Kayden, my love, I feel the same way about you. In this short time you have become my second half; without you I am incomplete. This afternoon I felt lost without you."
With those words Kayden pulled me closer to him and kissed me, letting his kisses demonstrate the passion he felt for me.
That night we made love, very, very carefully; sweet, passionate love. And we talked about our feelings and desires. The truth was that we were both scared. Starting a relationship in the second third of our lives was tougher. We both came with baggage; we were both set in our ways. We both were going to have to begin to trust our feelings again.
"Tell me about your life with Julian," Kayden asked.
"Are you sure?" I asked and he nodded.
"Let's see then. I met Julian when I was a freshman at U of I. I was seventeen then and very shy, more than shy I think I was introspective. As the result of being an only child I was always on my own planet, planet Ellie, always in deep thought. I had no interest in men and had never been with one. My goal was simple, to finish school and get a job that would allow me to travel the world."
"Really? You had never had sex by the time you went to college?" Kayden asked, taken by surprise.
"No. You have to understand I lived a very sheltered life, mostly surrounded by adults, protected by my grandparents. Besides, I was very awkward-looking, always felt out of place. Julian was the extreme opposite of me. He was a social butterfly, had friends galore. He was very handsome and the girls were attracted to him as to a magnet. He was a senior and in one of my advanced classes. He noticed me immediately, according to him because I looked out of place. Perhaps he pursued me because he considered me a challenge, I don’t know the reasons, but he didn’t give up, wouldn’t stop asking until I said yes. About two months later we had sex for the first time and we became a couple. Julian graduated and went to law school in Chicago. He went to Loyola while I stayed at U of I to finish my degree. We were married the summer after we both graduated in a small ceremony. His family considered three hundred people a small wedding! To me it was huge; I did not know most of them, only a handful were my friends or relatives."
I took a minute to look at Kayden, to ascertain his reaction to my words. His eyes looked encouraging, earnest. I proceeded with my story.
"Julian went to work for his father's law firm while studying for the bar; I found a part-time job at an art gallery and worked a
s a substitute for a kindergarten teacher on maternity leave. I loved teaching kindergarten; I was in my element when I was with children. I became pregnant with Vickie three months later and had to quit my job at the end of the year. Julian did not want me to work; he was doing well financially and we both agreed it would be best for me to stay home to raise our daughter.
"So I stayed home. A year later we bought the house, and then Emily came along. I loved taking care of the kids, building a life for us. But soon after Julian began to change. He was never happy with my looks, my appearance or my lack of social skills. He spent countless hours teaching me how to be a proper wife. The problem was he spent too little time loving me. By the time Damien came along he was happy to finally have a son but had had it with children so without telling me he went and got a vasectomy. He was gone long hours building his practice; I practically raised the kids alone. I was miserable. Yet to outsiders we were the perfect couple."
Kayden squeezed my hand, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how you must have felt."
I nodded and continued. "On our tenth anniversary we went on a trip to Italy. It was supposed to be a romantic get-away to rekindle our commitment to each other. Instead, it was a rude awakening. Julian spent more time paying attention to the art than to me. He spent hours talking to the tour guides about the different places we visited but barely said two words to me. We would sit at an outdoor café for a romantic dinner and he would find any stranger to start a conversation with, be it the waiter, the couple next to us, or the cleaning staff. At night he was always too tired for me. When we returned to Chicago he talked about how much he loved his trip to Italy, while I had just decided to count the days."
"All the signs were there but he never saw it coming. I ended our marriage in my mind before I did it on paper. To be honest, he ended it in reality long before me. Nevertheless, I decided to take charge of my life. When Damien finished middle school, I went back to school to get a master's. I enrolled in the art history program at the Art Institute and volunteered twice a week. I began to nurture friendships and got out of my shell a bit. And I started running. Julian noticed the changes and I think he got worried. But it was too late; my love for him was dead. When Damien turned fifteen I asked Julian for a divorce; he agreed to a temporary separation with counseling. He moved out and I stayed in the house for the kids. We divorced a year later under very hostile circumstances. As part of the divorce agreement I had to keep his last name until when and if I remarried; he would buy my share of the house and all assets were divided.
"My father's last name is Ramos. McCabe is Julian's last name."
"Are you telling me that the woman I love, my woman, is still using her ex's last name?" Fury seemed to rise in Kayden like fire. "Why the fuck did you agreed to that?" His words were terse, as if he were trying to contain himself.
"Didn’t you realize that by keeping his name he still owns you?" Kayden asked in a low voice, restraining his anger. "A woman takes her husband's name to tell the world that she belongs to him. You realize you are going to have to change that, right?"
"I haven't thought much about it, Kayden."
"Well, then think about it now. Why the fuck would I want my woman using another man's last name? Please answer that. I'll have my lawyer on it tomorrow," he said with finality.
"Kayden, it's not that important," I responded, trying to be patient.
"It is to me, and therefore it should be to you."
"Kayden, please." I did not want to get into another fight, did not want more drama.
"That's the end of it Ellie. We are not talking about it again. My lawyers will take care of it."
And with that proclamation the conversation was over. Truth be told I had been thinking about changing my name for a while now, Kayden had just pushed my hand. I didn’t like it but I was going to have to choose my battles and this was one not worth fighting.
Chapter Seventeen
I woke up at three thirty in the morning, barely with two hours of sleep, from a terrible nightmare. In it Julian had confronted Kayden and was trying to shoot him. I did not remember the details, but I was in the middle of the fight, and he had shot me instead. My heart was pounding and I was sweating profusely. As I tried to get up, Kayden stopped me.
"Are you okay?"
"Just a nightmare, go back to sleep."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I'd rather not think about it. It's just that it reminds me of a dream I had while in the hospital."
Kayden was expectant, fully awake now. "What was your dream about, baby?"
"Well, when I was in the hospital I dreamed that a man was in my room talking to someone about not wanting to hurt us, only to scare us. It was so vivid that I woke up but did not see anyone in the room. It just gave me this eerie feeling, just like the nightmare tonight."
"Let me call my security people to check if there was any one in your room at the time, they might want to talk to you tomorrow."
"It was probably nothing, just go back to sleep." But before I even finished the sentence, he was on the phone.
I could not stop thinking about it. The truth was that with all that was going on I had forgotten how volatile Julian could be. He was feeling threatened, and that was a dangerous combination. I needed to touch base with Vickie in the morning and find out if she found out what was going on with her father. I also had to talk about it to someone else in the morning, someone objective, rather be safe than sorry. But whom could I talk to?
I got up, had some water, and tried to get back to sleep. Kayden was still on the phone by the time I fell asleep.
The days went by at a snail's pace. Kayden threw himself into his work like a possessed man. He got up early and spent all day in the office working. Sylvia started spending all day at the penthouse helping her boss with his newfound determination. Even the blonde had been there! Whenever she came across me she bestowed me with a look of disdain.
By Tuesday night I was feeling restless; Kayden had not spoken more than a dozen words to me in the last two days. Worst of all he had not touched me in the last two nights. He got up early in the morning and would not come to bed until he thought I was already sleeping. But I wasn't, how could I sleep when he was so distant? To top it all off I had had this feeling of doom since the nightmare Sunday night.
By Wednesday I had decided to take matters into my own hands. I was tired of waiting for Kayden to come to me and talk things through. I marched into his office to ask if he had time for a conversation; unfortunately he was not alone. The young blonde from day one was in his office, leaning over him apparently to show him something, most likely her breast.
"Sorry, I did not realize you were not alone," I told him when they both looked up.
"What do you need, Ellie?" Kayden asked in a curt voice.
"It can wait." My voice was almost breaking; I needed to close the door before tears betrayed me. I ran into Sylvia on the way out. "Can you tell your boss that I went to my apartment and then to the store?"
"Can Aldo help you with anything, Ms. McCabe?"
"No, thank you. I'm good."
"You know that Mr. Hale does not want you to go out alone."
"Yes I do," I responded and with that I picked up my purse and walked out the door.
I needed to get a hold of myself, of my emotions. I was overtaken by jealousy on top of the anxiety and desperation I was feeling for not being able to be close to Kayden. I had not seen my friends for a couple of weeks now; as a matter of fact I had not been out of that apartment except once since the attack three weeks ago. So I decided to call Eva and Leslie in hopes they would be available for some much needed girl time. Fortunately they were, or so they claimed; most likely they had to rearrange their schedules to make time for their friend. They probably heard the desperation in my voice.
My friends picked me up at eleven; Eva was driving her slick Audi SUV. We had decided to go to the suburbs for lunch and then to Nordstrom
for some retail therapy. We selected a lovely restaurant in the mall and ordered an appetizer to share and a bottle of wine.
"So, what's going on? Why the desperation in your voice?" Leslie began. "I have never known you to be so lost."
"Lost, that's a good word for what I feel. I don't know what's going on with me or with Kayden. I have never been so clingy, so needy and I don't like either feeling." I proceeded to recount for my friends the events of the past few weeks, omitting only descriptions of our sexual encounters; they were too private for me to share.
I was not hungry, did not even have a taste for the wine so I ended up ordering a bottle of club soda with lime and a bowl of soup.
Our conversation centered around what I should do next. My thinking was that I needed to talk to Julian about the name change and about my concerns for both him and Kayden. Both of my friends believed I should put it in the hands of an attorney. Eva recommended a young woman who had worked on her divorce proceedings and was a shark. I was not sure I needed a shark but thought that it wouldn't hurt to check her out.
At one Kayden called, unfortunately I answered. "Where are you?" he asked in his usual terse tone.
"Out to lunch with some friends," I answered just as brusquely.
"Why didn't you take Aldo?"
"I am out with my friends Kayden, I'll talk to you when I get home," I responded in a resigned, rather than angry way.
"You'll tell me now!" he exploded. I simply hung up the phone and turned it off.
"So, what were we talking about?" I asked the girls with a fake grin on my face.
"About overpowering men and how to handle them," said Leslie.
"With all that passion, he must be great in bed."
"When we do it, yes," I responded, feeling a bit self-conscious about talking about our intimate life.
"Well, there you have it; the solution to one of your problems. Let's go to Nordstrom and see what you can buy to spice up your sex life. I'm living vicariously through you," Leslie stated with a laugh.
REBORN (Metamorphosis Book 1) Page 12
