And then there was me. I did not know what to think about all of this. Just a few months ago I was ready to conquer the world, on my own and on my terms. Then I met Kayden, and I began to question my own existence. He stirred things in me that I had forgotten were there, feelings that were buried deep inside that I thought were lost. I fell for him like an adolescent, gave myself to him like a starving child. But I am not an adolescent or a starving child. I am a forty-two-year-old mother of three grown children. How do I bring them into this new life Kayden is proposing? And what happens when the newness of the relationship is gone and the passion subsides and I am left with a child and a crushed heart? He had already become scared once, what would happen when the baby cried all night and he had an important meeting in the morning? Would he turn away from me again? I could survive another child; I would not be able to survive a broken heart.
The answer was simple; I would raise the baby alone. Kayden could be part of it if he wanted to but not part of me. How would I tell him? It was easy to say and think that I was going to leave him when he was not next to me. But when he was at my side and touched me, everything changed. I couldn't resist him; I had no will power against him. My body betrayed me.
And so we went to lunch. Everyone else at the table spoke, but I barely said a word, barely touched my food. Sofia watched me from the corner of her eye.
"Excuse me boys, but I have to go to the ladies' room." Both men stood as Sofia got up to leave. "Ellie, can you accompany me?" Kayden looked at me, puzzled, and then saw the insistent look in his mother's eyes. I just shrugged and got up to leave with her.
"Ellie, what's wrong?" she asked softly. I'd suspected she wanted to talk when she asked me to accompany her. Unfortunately, she was not the person I needed to talk to.
"Nothing, I'm just a little tired," I responded.
"That's a line you can use with Kayden and he might accept it, but not with an old lady like me."
"You're right, but this is a conversation I need to have with Kayden."
"Does he know that you are thinking about leaving him?"
"I can't talk about it, Sofia." With those words I left the bathroom and returned to the table. Kayden wrapped his arm around my shoulders and looked at me, perplexed. He took his other hand and squeezed my thigh.
"I'm not feeling well. Can we go soon?" It was a lie, but I needed to get out of there. I needed to talk to Kayden, in private. I needed to figure out our future.
When Sofia returned to the table Kayden addressed his parents. "Mom, Dad, we're going to be heading out early; please stay and have coffee and dessert, we'll grab a taxi."
"Is everything all right?" asked Roberto.
"Yes, of course; Ellie is just a bit tired," answered Kayden.
We said our goodbyes and left the restaurant. When we arrived at the hotel Kayden looked worried. I had been quiet during the taxi ride and now I remained silent.
"Ellie please talk to me, what's going on? Did I do something to upset you? Are you sick?"
"No, I am not sick Kayden, but we need to talk. For starters, you came back yesterday. Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why did you come yesterday?"
"Because I realized how much I needed you; baby, I don’t want to spend another minute without you."
"Did you know I was pregnant before you came?"
"NOOO, do you think I came back to you because of the pregnancy? Didn't you notice my shock when you told me?"
He was right, he had run off and gotten drunk when I told him the news about the baby. That is not the reaction of someone who knew beforehand. But why the sudden rejection?
"Kayden, remember when you told me I was giving you mixed messages? I feel that way about you now; on the one hand you were rejecting me before I left Chicago, now you can't live without me? Can you see my confusion?" I told him, hoping that he could understand my concern.
"Baby, I was scared. Scared of how deep my feelings are for you, scared of losing you just like I lost Megan."
My head started spinning; what was he talking about?
"Ellie, when we were attacked, my whole world was turned upside down. For a moment all of my sense of security was lost, I felt like you could be taken away from me any moment, and I guess I tried to protect myself by rejecting you."
"Taken away like Megan was. And now I am pregnant like Megan was," I said very slowly, managing no more than a whisper. I could not say anything else; my head was spinning. He was not over Megan; she was still very much part of his life. I felt a choke, like I was going to throw up; I ran to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, but nothing came out. My choking was from the realization that Kayden might not be over Megan after all, that she was very present in his life. I collected myself and went back to say what I knew I must.
"Kayden, I love you more than life itself. But if this pregnancy is viable and a child is born, it's going to need two parents who are truly devoted to each other. You are still living with the ghost from your past." My voice could barely get the words out; the look of panic in his eyes made me want to run to him, to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't, it wasn't just me anymore. So I blurted out the words that were piercing my heart.
"Goodbye, Kayden."
"What the fuck are you saying?"
"I am saying that I'd rather break up now than break up later. I am saying that I will raise our child alone rather than raise it in a home without love. I am saying you don’t have to worry about us, that you are off the hook."
His eyes watered, his face took a hard expression, and then he said softly, "Off the hook," repeating louder and with disdain, "Off the hook? If you think I am going to leave you or our child, you are sadly mistaken and you don’t know me very well. I will be by your side every step of the way whether you like it or not."
"You don’t have a choice about this, Kayden."
"The hell I don't!"
Kayden walked toward me very slowly; I took a few steps back. I knew that if he got too close I was not going to be able to resist him. I knew I would hang on to him for dear life, but I also knew I had to be strong. It just was so much harder when he was so close! My body reacted to his presence like bees to honey; my lips trembled in anticipation of his kiss, my breasts became harder and my nipples were on alert in hope of his touch and my sex began to betray me. He had not touched me and my body screamed in desire. How could my lips say no when my body so blatantly cried please take me?
Like a panther, ready for his prey Kayden continued his silent approach. He knew what he was doing; he knew how my body responded to him. And then he was next to me; I could feel his breath on my skin. His smell was intoxicating and my body was now begging for his touch, if only one more time before I had to let him go. Who was I kidding, he could take me any time he wanted, I was that weak for his touch. His hand moved up to my cheek and caressed it lightly; I leaned against it, feeling the heat emanating from it. I turned my face and allowed my lips to touch his palm; Kayden shivered from the kiss. Before I knew it his lips were pressed to mine and I barely opened my mouth to let him in because that's all I could do, because I wanted him as much as he wanted me.
His hands went to my hair, pulling it back. "You. Are. Mine," he said in between kisses.
"Yes, all yours," my lips responded breathlessly.
I was doomed! And then a gag reflex came up, waking me from my trance and sending me running to the bathroom to throw up. Kayden was on the floor by my side in a split second, holding my hair back, his hands around my waist giving me his strength. When I finished getting rid of the limited dinner I had eaten, he went to the sink and got a cup with water and mouthwash for me to rinse my mouth. He cleaned my face and then took me in his arms and cradled me. The tenderness of this act just made me cry.
Kayden sat on the bathroom floor with me in his arms for what felt like hours; I just cried in the bosom of his embrace. I held tight to him, not wanting to let him go.
&
nbsp; In time he got up from the floor without putting me down and said, "Let's wrap things here and go home." I just nodded in affirmation as he took me to bed.
Chapter Twenty-One
I woke to a beautiful Miami day much more rested and with a new sense of determination. I would stay with Kayden and figure out where this relationship was going, no more running for me! I laughed at the silliness of my thought. The reality was that I might have to hang up my running shoes, both figuratively and literally. That was going to be hard but, like I liked to tell my children, everything worth doing was worth doing well. A dose of my own medicine!
Kayden lay next to me sound asleep. The man always looked so peaceful in his sleep. He must be so tired because he usually did not sleep this late. We still had many challenges ahead, many hurdlers to overcome. But enough whining. Let me get up and order some breakfast for the two of us, then take a shower.
As I lathered my body, I felt the now so familiar hands rub my back. He began with my shoulders and neck, using the lather to gently massage them. Then he continued massaging his hands to the contours of my behind, kneading softly to remove all traces of tension. My legs were next, using gentle strokes to rub them. When he turned me around, he was kneeling on the floor and I could now see the beauty of his body at my feet. He was stroking the front of my legs and as his hands moved upward my body began to shiver in anticipation. But I did not move; I was too afraid to disturb this moment. I wanted to make it last; I wanted to just relish in it.
Kayden stood and massaged my belly. The love that his hands were sending could not be an illusion, I could not be that wrong. His hands moved to my breasts followed by my neck, and then he kissed me. I kissed him back with the fervent desire that was brewing in me. We held each other tight; our hands were everywhere. And when he entered me I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I climaxed just from the penetration, from the fullness of him inside me. He held me while my body continued to tremble, his assault not diminishing; he wrapped my legs around his waist to get better access and increased the intensity of his thrusts until we both came with such a force that we had to go down to the floor to keep from falling.
Breakfast came almost as if on cue when we got out of the shower. We were both ravenous, and devoured our food as if it were our last meal. I had not eaten much in days and my stomach for a change was calling for food. Hopefully it would stay in because I was losing too much weight.
"It's good to see you eat for a change," Kayden said with a smile.
"It's good to eat, I just hope it stays inside," I responded, then asked, "What's the plan? When are we going home?" I was ready to return to Chicago and begin a normal routine.
"I was thinking about taking the eight o'clock flight back, that way we can go to your mother's condo and begin the process of sorting things out, see what needs to be done before selling."
"I am not sure I'm ready to sell, but I need to see what condition the place is in," I countered, sad that I had not been there until my last day.
"Let's assess the place and then you can decide. The reality is that you don't need the money. I have plenty to last us a lifetime, even with your frequent escapes to Miami!" he said with a smirk.
I threw the napkin at him. "Hey, no violence in this relationship," he yelped in amusement.
"You haven't seen violence yet," I retorted with a grin. "Besides, just because you have money doesn't mean I have money."
"The hell it doesn't, we are a family now; what's mine is yours. Besides, everything I have built will eventually belong to that little one," Kayden responded, looking at me lovingly. "Sylvia will get you a credit card so you can charge anything you need," he said in his usual authoritative way. I was going to have to get used to his changing personalities; I had to learn that that was how he was, sweet and sour in the split of a second.
"You are going to have to start watching your language; imagine if we have a girl with a mouth like a drunken sailor. And I don’t need another credit card, I have my own."
"You will take the credit card and use it; end of conversation." With that pronouncement the conversation was over. Then he got up from his chair and came next to me; he extended his hand and I took it, getting up from my chair. He held me in his arms, caressing my hair.
"You know that there is nothing I would not do for you," he said in a soft, calm tone. "Please tell me that you know." It took me a minute to answer, evaluating in my mind the reality of that statement. Yes, it was true, I told myself. Kayden had been by my side during the critical days of my mother's illness; he flew to my side the moment he found out. He flew to my side now after I left with no explanation.
"Yes Kayden, I know that you do care about me," I finally answered him.
"Then let me take care of you; I don’t know any other way," he responded.
"But I want to take care of myself, I need to take care of myself."
"Why don't we do this, I take care of you and you take care of me, and we both take care of our baby."
"Our baby," I said adoringly; the words sounded so wonderful on his lips. I stood on my toes to kiss him. I didn't have to wait; his lips were there to meet mine, returning my kiss with equal passion.
"I think we'd better change if we want to get out of here," but he didn't move, didn't stop holding me tight to his body, and didn't end the kiss.
Kayden had arranged for a cleaning service to meet us at the apartment at one. We were there at a quarter to one; the extra fifteen minutes gave me time to walk around undisturbed, absorbing the magnitude of how empty the place felt. I had not been there since before my mother had been in the hospital, since before I left for Paris. Now it did not have the same meaning without her in it. My eyes began to water; my heart began to ache. And my hand went to the baby who would never know its grandmother. I had not realized that Kayden was a few steps behind me; when he saw my tears he came and wrapped his hands around me, engulfing my body in an immense hug.
"I am fine," I told him. "I wasn't ready to come back. I'm glad you are here, though; thank you."
"For what? I told you, there is nothing I won't do for you."
"For being by my side when I need you the most, for loving me." He tightened his arms around me, and I leaned against his chest gathering strength from him. Then the doorbell rang and the cleaning service came in.
It took the cleaning crew two hours to dust, vacuum and clean the three-bedroom two-bath condo. My mom had always wanted a place large enough to accommodate us all. We didn't visit as much as we should have, that was part of my sorrow, but I would come down at least twice a year after the kids were grown. Now the place lay empty, and yet I could close my eyes and see her in the kitchen and smell the food that she would prepare in anticipation of my arrival. I missed her so much.
At three we were done. We locked the place and headed to meet Sofia and Roberto for lunch. Kayden had checked in on line and we only had carry-on luggage, giving us plenty of time until six before heading to the airport for our eight p.m. flight. Sofia was ecstatic to see us together, and Roberto was equally happy, hugging us profusely. I think they were afraid that we might break up. The reality was that I did not know what would happen after our return home, but I was willing to fight for a future together. I still questioned Kayden's love. Why me when he could have any woman he wanted? That truly was my problem, I was not sure of my ability to keep him, of my worthiness.
We had a smooth flight to Chicago; sitting next to Kayden, in his arms made it easy. When the flight attendant took the drink order, I had my new usual, club soda with lime; Kayden had a scotch. I couldn't eat dinner, did not want to take the chance. The flight attendant was overly zealous to help Kayden; she did not pay much attention to me. Kayden on the other hand only had eyes for me.
The limousine was waiting for us when we landed and the ride downtown took only minutes.
"Where do you want to sleep tonight?" Kayden asked.
"My apartment if you don't mind. I'm really missing home,"
I answered him.
"You know we are going to have to start thinking about our living arrangement. If the penthouse doesn't feel like home then we need to find a place that does, a place that's ours. No more separate homes for us."
I turned to the side to look at him. "Are you ready to move in together? That's a huge commitment."
"Baby, I've been ready for a while; the issue is, are you ready to give up your independence for a life with me?"
He was right, I was the one who was ambivalent about all of this. "Let's talk about it tomorrow before brunch with the kids. I want them to start getting used to your company."
"That's quite a large family we are going to form," he said laughing, his eyes soft.
"From most eligible bachelor to father of four in just a few months," I added.
"I don't know about the eligible bachelor part, but the father of four, I'm up for that." And his lips pressed against mine, sending me for a spin.
It was late when we got home, my home for a change. Kayden took our suitcases to the bedroom while I stood in front of my window gazing at the lights on the horizon. I was feeling nostalgic and so happy to be home! When he came behind me I turned around and kissed him.
"Are you hungry? You didn't eat any dinner," he said.
"Yes, but not for food."
"Really? I hope you remember I am not a kid anymore."
"Oh, I remember," I said seductively, sliding my hands under his sweater.
"What's going on?" he asked with a smile on his face. "Even I need some recovery time."
"I guess you don't want me," I said, pouting. "For heaven's sake, my hormones are going crazy, I need you."
"Such desperation, anyone would think I don't take care of your needs."
"You don't; at least not at the moment."
"Well, I might have to begin a new vitamin regimen." Then he took me in his arms and to bed.
REBORN (Metamorphosis Book 1) Page 14
