by A B Turner
" I have been here when you want me and gone when you've asked me to leave."
I immediately felt a distinct pang of guilt,
" I should say...." I began, wanting to apologise, but he interrupted, shaking his head slightly,
"There's nothing to say, I understand control, I am used to having it," he said firmly.
These last words made me sit up suddenly,
"I never intended to control anything, Jay, being with you..I don't know..it brings something out in me.."
I saw a flicker of a smile before the infinitely more serious expression returned.
"Whatever your intentions, it has all been on your terms, Carrie, you must see that."
I wanted to argue, but there was obviously nothing he had said that wasn't the truth.
"...and that's why it's best we don't see each other again, would you agree ?” he asked, despite the fact, my whole body seemed to be screaming at my mouth to dispute this, I heard myself reluctantly say,
“Yes, Jay, you're probably right.”
For a split second, when my mind played a quick re-run of every frenzied moment we had shared, I was almost overcome with the desire to say he could control everything and to beg him to push the boundaries even further, to force me to expose every dark part of myself. But he had obviously made his decision and so those thoughts would have to remain unspoken. Jay began collecting his belongings together, once he was dressed, he turned back to face me,
“I haven't been using you, Carrie," his tone was now softer than before, almost as if he wanted to reassure me in some way.
I shook my head,
" No Jay, we have used each other, don't you think?"
He half-smiled,
"I would have to agree," he replied, "Although using each other in this way has been extremely satisfying."
I smiled back,
"Giving into temptation always is, Jay, and I have no doubt you could tempt me into doing almost anything."
"Well, maybe one day we shall see if that's true," he answered, almost thoughtfully. I watched him walk to the door, he paused and turned back to face me,
"Take care, Carrie."
Before I had a chance to answer, he left and for a split second, I contemplated racing after him.But instead, I just locked the door, he had made his feelings clear and I had no choice now but to accept it was over. As I wearily remade the bed, I thought again about what he had said , it certainly hadn't felt like I was in control. After all, wasn't that the very reason I had gone to see Charlotte? That I had felt completely overwhelmed by the fierce turmoil of feelings he somehow unleashed in me, until I had reached the point of being unable to make any real sense of anything.But before I could think any more, a wave of tiredness suddenly seemed to come from nowhere and take me over, leaving me incapable of anything other than sleep,so after a cursory glance around the room, I slumped back between the sheets, and turned my attention to the fact, Lainie would be home tomorrow. She would have no idea what had gone here, I had decided a long time ago to keep my ‘Mum’ life separate from my personal life, and even though she was now an adult, I had no desire to change, as having two separate lives running parallel with each other had successfully worked this long. I turned over, suddenly the night caught up with me and unable to stay awake any longer, I fell asleep, thinking only of my daughter.
I awoke early the next morning and headed straight for the shower, consciously avoiding catching any random sighting of my reflection, I knew what I would see, I could feel the rawness on my skin already. I stood motionless, allowing the warm water every opportunity to soothe my battered body, despite myself, I glanced down, as before there were a rash of tiny bruises across my chest and I quickly resolved to make sure I stayed covered in front of Lainie, as I had no desire to explain. Suitably refreshed, I dressed and checked the clock, Lainie was due in a couple of hours, just as I was about to leave the house, there was a knock, as I raced to the door, my mind frantically hoped it was not Jay, he had no place in this day or, in fact, maybe even my life anymore. As I opened the door, I could hardly believe it, there was Lainie ! She looked taller somehow, her strawberry blonde hair tumbled down over her shoulders, her sparkling green eyes shone as she beamed at me,
“Hello Mum, can I come in?”
“What? Of course, yes!” I replied, still trying to take in the fact, she was standing there, she heaved a large case through the door and allowed it to topple over on to the floor, before turning to me,
“What does a daughter have to do , before she gets a hug ?” she asked, quizzically.
“Come here,” I insisted, pulling her towards me, we hugged tightly,
“I’ve missed you so much, Mum,” she whispered.
“Me too,” I gasped, forcing back the stray tear which threatened to escape from my eye, “I’m so glad you’re back.”
After dragging her suitcase into her bedroom, we slumped on the sofa and spent the next hours just catching up on each others’ lives, as she spoke, although she had a developed a real air of maturity, underneath she was still a young girl, full of enthusiasm for the new life she was now enjoying in Rome. As she spoke, she showed me countless photographs of her home, the college, her friends and, of course, Damon, there was more than a hint of softness in her voice when she spoke about him.
“I’ve never met anyone like him, Mum,” she said quietly, as she passed over the ipad for me to see the first picture,
“He’s certainly a good looking guy,” I commented, handing it back to her, Lainie looked at it dreamily,
“He’s gorgeous,” she agreed, tracing the outline of his face with her finger, suddenly she remembered I was sitting there, and looked at me, slightly embarrassed,
“I really like him, Mum,” she said quietly.
“You know, I guessed, something about the fact you’ve talked about him, non-stop, for the past hour,” I smiled back, just pleased to see her so happy.
“ Oh God, have I? I’m sorry, I haven’t even asked what’s new with you ?” she said apologetically. For a moment, I thought about Jay, going to counselling, everything with Daniel, but there was no need for her to mention any of it, somehow, just having her here, was more important than any of them.
“Me? Oh nothing much, Kat is the one you want to see if you want exciting ,” I laughed.
Lainie inched further up the sofa, her eyes widening at the prospect of a good story,
“Is she ready to get married,do you think?” she asked. “I always thought she’d end up having wild affairs with the pool boy, do you know what I mean?”
“We all thought that was going to happen, especially her ! But then Matt came along, just goes to show, you never really know what’s going to happen,” I replied, “Anyway, you hungry?”
Lainie grinned,
“I’m starving.”
I stood up from the sofa, explaining I had bought all of her favourite things and so there was quite a choice, she looked slightly doubtful, until I opened one of the kitchen cupboards and was quickly engulfed in a torrent of food items, which I had balanced in there earlier, in an effort to get the door shut. Seeing me swamped made Lainie laugh out loud, it echoed around the room, filling it with the joy the walls had sometimes lacked, since she had been away.
After we had eaten Kat phoned , as Lainie told her about Damon, her own phone rang, on seeing it was obviously him, she threw my phone at me and raced into her bedroom, leaving me with Kat,
“She sounds happy, how does she look ?” she asked.
“Tanned and gorgeous,” I replied.
“Well, if she’s that lovely, I might have to insist she puts a bag over her head on the wedding day, can’t have her looking better than me,” she joked.
“Surely that’s not possible!” I laughed.
“You’d think so, but I’m not taking any chances, anyway, what about this guy of hers ?”
Kat asked.
“Equally tanned and gorgeous, he reminds me a bit of that guy you used
to have a bit of a crush on, you know, the one from that TV show you always watched,” I mused.
“No way! Can you wrap him up and give him to me for a wedding present ?” she laughed.
“No, you’re having the toaster and like it !” I joked back, just as Lainie came back into the room,
“We haven’t really bought them a toaster!” she groaned.
“Well, it’s either that or Damon, it’s up to you,” I replied, without hesitation, Lainie insisted Kat had the toaster, adding firmly, Damon was hers and not to be shared.
“Well how selfish !" Kat laughed, “if that’s how you’re going to be, I’m off !”
We said our goodbyes, with Lainie adding how much she was looking forward to seeing her soon, a sentiment quickly returned by Kat.
Once we alone again, we decided we should probably unpack her case, sooner rather than later, as we went into her room, I sat down on her bed and watched as she carefully took out each item and hung it up in the wardrobe, completely the opposite of how she had once been, where her bedroom floor had always been permanently scattered with discarded socks and T-shirts. When she had almost finished, she pulled out a small parcel and gave it to me,
“This is for you, Mum.”
I unwrapped the gift, to find a small velvet pouch, inside there was a silver chain with a tiny dragonfly charm suspended from it,
“I love it,” I said, “Put it on for me, please.”
Lainie leant over and fastened the clasp around my neck,
“Do you really like it ?” she asked, suddenly looking like a little girl,
“I absolutely love it,” I insisted truthfully.
She finished unpacking and pushed the empty suitcase under her bed, before slumping on top of the covers, resting her head on the bank of pillows I had arranged at one end, despite and attempt to stifle it, she yawned and rubbed her eyes,
“I don’t know why I’m so tired,” she said sleepily.
“You’ve had a long day,” I replied, Lainie pulled the cover over her shoulder and snuggled down,
“That must be it,” she answered sleepily and as I watched, her eyes slowly closed, giving up the fight to stay awake. When she was fast asleep, I gently stood up, pulled the cover over her legs, and kissed her forehead, before leaving her alone. I tiptoed back into the living room and sat quietly on the sofa, I briefly thought about switching on the television, but decided against it as I had no wish to wake her. I rested back, even though the evening was fast approaching, the house seemed lighter with Lainie back, it really was true, you didn’t know what you had ‘til it’s gone, and in the half-darkness, I resolved to make the most of every minute , as I knew she would be going again, infinitely sooner than I would want.
It was quite late when she wandered back into the living room, rubbing her eyes and now dressed in her bathrobe, she slumped down on the sofa next to me,
“Sorry Mum, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“That’s alright, can I get you anything ?” I asked, she thought for a moment, before a broad grin crossed her face,
“Hot chocolate, please, with marshmallows, not the big ones , those little ones you always used to buy.”
I went to the kitchen and pulled out a bag,
“You mean these ?” I asked.
“You’re the best,” she replied sincerely, I smiled back and made us both a steaming cup of hot chocolate, popping in a few of the sweets, ensuring Lainie had the extra one, as I had always done when she was young.
As we gingerly sipped, Lainie asked about the plans for Kat's big weekend, I told her about the table I had booked at her favourite restaurant, after the meal, we were going to go to a club she and I had stumbled into years ago, finishing at a night staying at a spa hotel, where in the morning, we were booked for a few treatments, before coming home. As I spoke, Lainie looked increasingly amazed,
“But Mum, that lot will cost a fortune!” she gasped.
“Not really, all the girls at work have chipped in for the meal, I’m covering the club and Matt insisted on the spa hotel, kind of a team effort,” I explained. Lainie frowned,
“But I haven’t put in for anything.”
I thought, for a moment, before an idea sprung to mind,
“You can help me with the club, it can be from both of us,” I suggested, Lainie readily agreed, at first, insisting I allow her to pay exactly the same as me, but after some negotiation, we agreed on slightly less, as, I was working and she was a student. Once we had finished our drinks, we opted for an early night, as there was so much excitement to come during the next few days. I kissed her good night and headed to my own room, as I slipped under the sheets, I was sure I could smell the merest hint of Jay’s aftershave on the pillow which made me smile,
“Night, Mum,” Lainie called from her room, “Love you.”
“Love you more,” I replied, knowing I had never been more appreciative of this opportunity to say those words again to her, I turned over and snuggled down, there was so much to look forward to, especially now Lainie was safely home.
The following morning, I awoke early, I crept past Lainie’s door and, despite myself, I peered in, she was curled up, with just the very top of her head visible above the bedcover. Not wanting to wake her, I tiptoed into the living room, with the idea of pouring myself a juice before returning to my own bed, I smiled to myself, enjoying the simple luxury of not having to go to work. As I eased open the fridge door, Lainie appeared beside me, her hair was tousled from sleep,
“Can I have one?” she asked, rubbing her eyes and yawning, before wearily wandering to the sofa and slumping down heavily, “
“How can I sleep so much?” she asked incredulously, looking across the room at me, I laughed and brought our drinks over, gave her one glass, before sitting down next to her,
“You must have been more tired than you thought,” I answered, taking a long sip from my drink. Suddenly, as I glanced across at Lainie, I noticed she hadn’t moved, she was just staring at me, her eyes almost frozen, it was so disconcerting, it made me feel slightly uncomfortable,
“Are you alright?” I asked, after several moments of silence,
“What happened to you?” she asked, her voice sounding small, almost child-like.
“What do you mean?” I queried, wondering what could have caused this sudden change in my usually-bubbly daughter. Laine leant across and eased my bathrobe slightly open,
“What are those?” she persisted, “Those marks on you, they look like bruises.”
My heart sank, in my haste to get myself a drink, I had completely forgotten to ensure I was totally covered, I pulled the two edges of the robe together,
“They’re nothing,” I replied, trying to sound casual, but Lainie remained unconvinced, placed her half-empty glass on the table and looked directly at me,
“Mum, who did this to you? Were you attacked?"
I shook my head, wishing I had thought of some believable explanation, in case this happened,
“No, I wasn’t attacked, like I said, they’re nothing,” I said firmly, I tried to change the subject, but knew instantly I had failed, when Lainie paused thoughtfully, for a moment, before speaking again, when she did, it was almost as if she was talking to herself,
“If you weren’t attacked, you must have wanted....” her voice trailed away, as the only reasonable explanation made itself known to her. When it did, she looked at me in a combination of both horror and disgust,
“Oh my God, Mum, you let someone do that to you, didn’t you?”
Before I had a chance to answer, she leapt up, her eyes blazing,
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled, despite my concern at how upset she was , I knew I had no intention of explaining myself, at least not until she calmed down. When I made this point, it seemed only to make her more angry. She tore about the room, randomly shouting questions and accusations with equal ferocity, at first, I remained relatively calm, until she went too far,
&nbs
p; “My mother’s some kind of weird pervert who gets off on being beaten up !”
I stood up from the sofa and looked at her, her eyes were still blazing, her whole body seemed to be shaking with rage,
“So Mum, what have you got to say for yourself?” she screeched, “I can’t wait to hear it !”
I sighed heavily,
“Well, I’m afraid, you will have a long wait,” I replied quietly, before turning to leave the room, I had almost reached the door, by the time Laine grabbed my arm and span me round to face her,
“What?That’s it !” she yelled, I removed her hand carefully, before looking straight back at her,
“Firstly, you will please remember who you’re speaking to, the last time I checked, I was still your mother, and secondly, what I choose to do, in my personal life, is my business, is that clear?” I asked, I could see Lainie was poised to launch into another tirade,
“I said, is that clear?” I repeated bluntly, the severity of my tone clearly hit home, as she walked past me, without speaking and into her bedroom, slamming the door as she entered. I walked into my own room, angry at myself for being so careless at allowing the marks to be visible, but this was combined with a mass of contradictions about our fight.
On the one hand, I knew I was completely justified in expecting a little respect from Lainie, as well as the fact, I was entitled to have a personal life. But on the other hand, I felt very uneasy about the ferocity of our argument, as I started to get dressed, I had the sickening feeling, our relationship might never be the same. As I brushed my hair, there was no sound from Lainie’s bedroom, this did not surprise me, when she had been young, if she was in trouble with me, she always hid under her covers until she thought I had calmed down, before emerging with a carefully constructed apology. This memory made me smile, despite the gloomy atmosphere, I had always forgiven her just as she always solemnly promised, it would never happen again and the dispute ended in a hug. But, she wasn’t that little girl anymore, in fact, as the morning passed, I started to wonder if she was expecting those roles to be reversed now.
Just as I pondered this thought, I heard a knock, I glanced at the clock, in all the drama, I had completely forgotten Kat was coming over, so the three of us could go out for lunch. Despite everything, I opened Lainie’s door, as I had suspected, her head popped out from under the covers,
