by Dani René
The tension in his shoulders tells me something is coming. And I’m not sure I’m ready for it just yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared.
“Are you leaving after this?” I question, wanting to get it out before he tells me goodbye, before he takes my heart and breaks it again.
Ryder stares at me for a moment before he looks away. He doesn’t respond, and the silence is heavy in the room after all the noise and laughter from just moments ago. The music is no longer playing, and all I can hear are his deep breaths.
“Look, you don’t have to stay. I just—”
“There’s something I need to tell you, to show you,” he finally says, snapping his dark stare to mine. They flit left to right, as if he’s trying to see into my heart, searching for my soul that’s buried so deep in the rubble of our past. All the pain he left me with is still there, a site of destruction where my love for him still fights every day.
“Then show me, Ryder. Give me something,” I finally beg. All my life I’ve been stubborn, closing myself to emotion, but Ryder was the only one who managed to break through my high teenage walls, find my young, innocent heart, and fill it with the first love I’d ever known. But he also took that love and walked out.
He shifts on the chair. Leaning in closer, he murmurs, “Come to my place.”
“What?”
“What I have to tell you and show you, I’d rather do it in private. It’s not easy for me to talk about.” The anguish on his face, in his expression, tells me this isn’t some booty call. There’s something dark in his eyes, and my heart aches at what I’m about to learn about the first boy I’d ever loved, the only boy I’ll ever love.
12
Ryder
She nods, “Okay,” and my heart ceases to beat for a moment. I need to calm the fuck down. It’s time and I need to man up. Grow some balls as Preston would say.
“I’ll drive,” I tell her, rising from the chair, not giving her a chance to respond. My keys jingle in my hand as I grab her rucksack.
“I just need to turn the lights off and lock up.” Her voice quivers. I notice it immediately. She’s nervous. So am I.
“Okay.”
Once we’re in the car, she stares at me for a moment before smiling. “You really did look good with the kids.”
“They’re good.”
I turn on the stereo, flicking through songs before I find the one I want and pull out onto the road. I can feel her eyes on me, burning through me with questions I can’t answer just yet. It’s been a long time since I did this, confessed what I am to someone. But then again, the last time I did, it was only Preston. There wasn’t anything more he could say because he was there, he knew before I told him.
Anxiety riddles through me, eating away at the strength I’ve been mustering up to tell Piper. It feels as if we’ll never get to my place as I weave through the early evening traffic.
“So,” she starts as we pull up to a red light. “Did you ever think of me when you were away?”
Her question squeezes my heart. My chest painfully tightens when I realize the one time I didn’t think about her was when I got into the car that night and I had my arm hanging around the shoulders of a stranger. It lasted for a good ten minutes. Those moments play over and over in my mind, and I regret every fucking second of it.
“Piper—”
“No, you know what, don’t tell me. I just… I don’t know. I just feel like the stupid teenager who believed your promises.”
I pull away from the light, gripping the steering wheel because I want to shout at her. I want to tell her I love her. To tell her that every moment I was away, bar those few, she was the only person I wanted and needed. To explain that my love for her never fizzled out, it never wavered.
To tell her that even though I had fucked another girl before I met her, she is the only one I will ever want, now and forever. But before I can tell her that and confess my feelings, I need her to see me.
“You’re not stupid, Piper.”
“Am I not?” she questions quietly, her voice so low, so sad that it knocks the breath from my lungs. I did this. I made her feel so wary because I took all the love she gave me and I didn’t give her anything in return.
“No,” I bite out, casting a quick, furious glance her way. “Fuck, Piper, can you quit with the shit until we get to my place because I can’t focus on the road when you’re spewing bullshit.”
“You’re angry, but not at me,” she observes and she’s right. I’m angry at myself for hurting her all those years ago when I should’ve laid my fucking claim on her, but she was too young. Far too young and innocent for me. But what makes it so different now?
“I am angry, because I fucked up with you,” I tell her, my stare glued to the road because I can’t meet those inquisitive eyes.
The song changes, and “Echo” by Jason Walker starts and I know this is not the type of song I need right now. That we need right now. I reach over to change it, but her delicate hand is on mine in an instant.
“Leave it.”
“Piper—”
“Listen to it, Ryder,” she pleads and I can’t deny her anything, so I do. By the time I pull up to the apartment complex, the song ends and I park in my designated spot. Not moving, I stare out of the window, waiting for her to say something, but she sits beside me in silence.
I push the door open and round the back, tugging her door open. I offer her my hand, which she takes. I lead her into the building, into the elevator, still holding on to her hand as if she’s a lifeline and I’m caught in a raging storm.
The ding startles me and the doors slide open, spitting us out into the hallway, and I turn left toward the door. Unlocking it quickly, I release Piper’s hand, feeling the loss of her the moment the contact is gone.
“Make yourself at home,” I tell her, following in behind my sweet girl. Because that’s what she is. Mine. She’s always been mine. Since the moment I laid my eyes on her, I knew there was no other woman for me.
13
Piper
I settle on the sofa that looks like it’s seen better days, but it’s comfortable. The cushions are a deep purple, reminding me of the first pair of sneakers I got from my folks when I started dancing. The soles illuminated in the dark and looked amazing when I would drop to my hands and spin my feet in the air. Ryder loved them, so I did too.
“Get out of your pretty little head, Butterfly,” he says, his voice thick and heavy with emotion. His eyes—the deep green more prominent in this moment than the hazel—make them look like a darkened forest.
“I’m here.” I smile up at him, watching him move through the space and head into what I’m guessing is the kitchen.
“Do you want a drink?” he questions from the other room.
I push off the sofa and follow him into a spacious kitchen, which is empty except for the breakfast bar that separates the eating area from the work space.
“What have you got?” I ask, stepping up behind him, the heat of his body so close that I want to melt into it, into him.
“Coke, Pepsi, water, or orange juice.” He lifts the carton to his nose, giving it a sniff. He scrunches his nose, causing me to giggle. “Okay, I don’t have orange juice.”
“Coke is fine,” I tell him.
Ryder grabs a glass, pops the can open, and fills the tumbler with the dark, fizzy liquid. He pours himself one as well, and we head back into the living room.
Once I’m on the sofa, he takes the seat to my right, and the earlier lightheartedness is gone. Right now, we’ve reached the tension again, and I don’t know what’s coming. All I can tell is that it’s something terrible.
“I spent so long wondering how I’d ever tell you what I did, that now that we’re finally here I don’t have a speech mapped out. I haven’t planned the words, so you’ll have to bear with me. I haven’t spoken about it in a long time.”
“Ryder, this is me you’re talking to. I’ll never judge you for being young and stupid.
” I smile, hoping it will earn me his usual dimpled grin, but it doesn’t. Instead, his eyes meet mine and I know there’ll be no smiles tonight.
“I know, Piper, I know.” He sighs. Leaning forward, he places his elbows on his thighs, then meets my gaze. “I was out partying one night. Your brother wanted to drive, but I didn’t want him to since he’d been drinking more than I had. He was being stubborn, so I took his keys and...” His voice drops lower, and I find myself glued to his every word. “I had just spoken to my father that day. He told me he was cutting me off completely, so I had a few beers during the day. That night, I had one at the party and planned to get wasted.”
“Why was your dad cutting you off?”
“He wasn’t happy with me for some reason. He didn’t need to explain. It was just how our relationship worked. He was disappointed in me and I didn’t give a shit. I’d been drinking a lot over those few weeks, more than usual.”
The guilt that drips off his every word has my body trembling, and I have a feeling he’s going to break me with his confession.
“I got behind the wheel that night after I’d had a few too many. There was a girl beside me. Your brother and his girlfriend were in the back seat.”
I attempt to swallow past the lump in my throat, from what he’s telling me, to the fact that jealousy has reared its head. He was with another girl. He was partying and getting drunk. He was enjoying his life.
“Stop.” His command has me snapping my attention back to him. His eyes are hard on me. “She was a girl I offered a lift to, nothing more.”
“I didn’t—”
“Piper, I know you. I can see the wheels turning in your head.”
Shrugging it off, I lift my drink and gulp down the rest of my Coke. He doesn’t speak until I’ve set the glass on the table.
“I didn’t see the other asshole coming toward me.” The words feel surreal, as if they’re told to me and I’m on the other side of a thick window. Muffled. Ringing in my ears deafening me at the next few words. “I swerved, but it was too late. The car rolled. I don’t know how many times. No one was killed, thankfully, but—”
“Ryder—”
He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he rises, and I watch as he moves, in slow motion. The hiss of the zipper of his hoodie is so loud I want to scuttle backward from the noise. His fingers deftly untie the string of his sweatpants. Then he eases the gray material down his muscled thighs.
“This is the so-called man you want to love,” he tells me sadly when I take in a blurry glance at the mechanical part of Ryder where half of his left leg used to be. From the knee down, there’s nothing but plastic and metal. Or something. I don’t even know.
I open my mouth to respond. To tell him I love him. But I can’t. No words form on my tongue, but they all sit like a poison, venomous in their attack on my system. On my mind.
“I fucked up that night. I hurt people because of my own stupidity, Piper. That’s not someone you want in your life. I’m no fucking man to give you a life.”
He covers himself, jerking his sweatpants up, he leaves me in the living room. I’m staring at nothing because he’s no longer standing in the spot he vacated, where my eyes are glued to. Tears drip from my chin, my body wracks with sobs. Not because he’s not the man I want, but because he’s so much more.
He is perfectly flawed.
14
Ryder
I walked out. I fucking left her in my living room after showing her what I’ve been living with for two long years. The reason I can’t be with her. Not because I think she can’t love me the way I am, but because I can’t love me the way I am.
I don’t hear movement from the other room. She’s either still in shock or so disgusted with me, she can’t look me in the face. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I feel the frustration ebbing through me, flowing over every part of me. I know I had to do it, tell her the truth, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the way she watched me so silently.
Piper has always been feisty, sassy. Seeing her still in silence is something new that has my anxiety hitting hard, slamming into me. My head is still in my hands when a tentative knock on the door drags my attention to the entrance of my bedroom.
“Hey.” She smiles. Her sweetness is what I’ve always craved. The gentleness she possesses is so different from my harshness. Her light to my dark.
“Hey.”
“Can we talk?” She steps farther into the room, and her perfume wafts around me. The sweet scent of apples, reminding me of dessert. Of sweetness and happiness. As if it’s her own fragrance and no one else can wear it because no other woman I’ve been near has ever smelled like Piper.
“Yeah, sure.”
I don’t know what she’s going to say, or do, but she settles beside me on the mattress, not touching, but close enough for me to feel her heat. It’s as if there’s an electrical current traveling through me at her nearness. It’s always felt like this with her. As if I need to touch her. That if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to breathe.
“I was shocked back there,” she starts, gesturing to the living room with her small, delicate hand. “I’m so sorry you lived through that alone.”
“I wasn’t—”
“Let me finish.” Her eyes blaze, meeting mine in a standoff.
Lifting my hand, I gesture for her to continue. That’s another thing about her. She’s stubborn. She won’t listen to me if I tried to stop her now. Once she’s got her head set on something, the girl is relentless. I learned that a long time ago, and it’s just one of the things I love about her.
“I wish I'd been there for you. I know it’s stupid, but I wish I'd been the one beside you in the car because I would’ve stood right beside you as you healed, Ryder.” She says my name with so much love that it hits me hard in the chest making it difficult to breathe. “I love you. You may not think you’re worthy of me, or whatever the hell you think, but you’re wrong.”
“Piper, I—”
She rises, her hands on her hips as she glares me into silence. “Ryder, I never had a choice in my feelings for you. From the moment we met, there was something between us. Granted, I was far too young, but I knew I’d love you.” She sounds so sure, so confident in what she felt.
“You were too young, Piper. I kissed you and I shouldn’t have,” I tell her. “I should’ve been responsible, but all those times I looked at you, at your mouth, your eyes, everything about you, I knew I could never be the man who gives you what you want.”
“What do I want?” She folds her arms across her chest, her gaze blazing wildly in a challenge. She’s baiting me to see what I’ll say and somehow I think every answer I come up with will be wrong.
“You want a forever. You deserve a forever.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I want?” This time, she places her hands on my chest, shoving me backward onto the bed. The sprite crawls up over me, her thighs on either side of my hips, and once more, her heat is right at my crotch, making it difficult to think straight. “I’ve waited for you, Ryder. For four long years I waited. And now,” she says, leaning in to nip at my neck, her lips sucking the flesh into her hot mouth, causing a groan to rumble deep in my throat. “Now all I want is this,” she whimpers, rolling her hips against my ever growing hard-on.
“Piper—”
“You made a promise to me, Ryder,” she moans, kissing my neck, trailing her way over the scruff on my jaw as she reaches my mouth.
Our lips hovering inches apart, if I lift my head, I’ll kiss her. Do I follow the rules I set for myself? Or do I claim the girl who’s always owned me?
15
Piper
“You’ve never been good at lying, at self-control, or looking at me and not wanting me,” I tell him. Honesty is raw in my words. The heat of his breath fans over me, making me needier than I’ve ever felt. There’s no denying that we’ve always been like magnets. We need each other to be whole. Two halves of the same soul, and even though our hearts have
been broken, those pieces always fit together perfectly. My sadness and pain from never being good enough for my mother, and Ryder’s pain from being judged unfairly all his life.
“Piper,” he growls my name, reaching for my long blond hair, tugging the ponytail back, exposing my neck to him. “You’re a fucking temptation.” He grits out through clenched teeth, his lips feathering over the sensitive skin that’s now dotted with goosebumps from his warm breath.
I can’t help smiling at his confession. “Wasn’t I always?”
“Since the moment I laid my eyes on you, Butterfly,” he murmurs before his lips find mine. It’s not rough, nowhere near what I thought it would be. No. This is Ryder being gentle, and the kiss itself sears me.
He pulls me closer. His tongue darts out, licking at my lips, causing me to whimper. My hips undulate as I press myself closer to him, needing him nearer, so impossibly close that it’s like he’s a part of me. And he is. Always has been.
His other hand grips my hip, fingers digging into the flesh, holding me still. When he pulls away, his gaze meets mine, burning through me.
“We can’t do this right now,” he tells me earnestly.
“Why?”
“I… We need time.”
Sighing, I go to move off him, but he holds me steady. “If you don’t want me then—”
“It’s not that, Piper.” Frustration is evident in his voice, thick and heavy with emotion. “I’ve just shown you what I did, who I am.”
“I know.” I reach up, placing my hands on either side of his face. The stubble tickling my palms, the heat of him warming me, keeping me lit up like a fire raging through the forest. “But you’ve also given me so much more,” I tell him. “You’ve given me your fear, your pain, your guilt.”
“I never wanted you to have those things. I’ve just wanted love and happiness for you.” He tries to look away, but I hold him close, keeping his eyes on mine. I want him to see my love, the love I’ve held for him all my life. Since the moment I met Ryder I knew, and I’ve always known that no matter what tries to come between us, we’ll weather the storm.
