It was entirely wise. Kamden had no plans of ever kissing anyone but her for the rest of his life. Though he knew he couldn’t say that to her—not yet. She was already too flighty around him. Instead, he nodded in agreement, lifted himself from on top of her, and pulled himself together as much as he could.
“Ye are right.” He could only vaguely recall the last words he said to her before the kiss. Luckily for him, her memory seemed to return more quickly.
“What made you realize all of that, Kamden? You referred to something that happened the night I left, but you never said what it was.”
The dream—at least that’s what he thought it must be. Though it was so unlike any dream he’d ever had that he found it difficult to believe that was truly what it was.
“Do ye remember my fondness of these portraits?”
Harper twisted to look at the row of faces behind them. The movement exposed her neck to him, and by the light of the fire, he could see how flushed her creamy skin still was. It caused his groin to ache dreadfully.
“Yes. You told me once that you would talk to them all the time growing up. That if you had a problem, you would come to them and somehow just talking things through in their presence helped you to sort things out.”
He smiled. She never forgot anything.
“Aye, and it always did. The night ye left, however, ’twas not enough to speak to them. I needed to hear back. I was alone here. I sent everyone away shortly after ye left, spent the evening raging in front of these portraits, damning them for not being more help, damning my ancestors for dying and leaving me here to sort all of this out on my own. I drank too much and fell asleep by the fire. In my dreams, I was amongst them.” Kamden paused and pointed to the earliest portrait so Harper would follow his meaning. “Not with them in reality. It was more like seeing the movie of their lives playing out in my mind.
“I saw Baodan McMillan’s heartbreak at the death of his wife. I witnessed the betrayal of his brother, and I understood his pain. But then I watched as he moved out of that darkness, toward love once again.
“Whether any of what I saw actually happened to these people, I suppose I’ll never know. What I do know is that seeing my own kin suffer such heart-wrenching loss only to open his heart up to the possibility of pain once again showed me that not all McMillans are destined to end up like my grandfather. Love was a choice for this man. A choice he made while already knowing true loss.
“Distancing myself from ye at the same moment I asked for yer hand did nothing to protect me from pain. All it did was betray the trust ye placed in me by offering me yer heart. I loved ye, Harper. I was simply too much a coward to say it.
“I will be a coward no more. I loved ye then, and I love ye now. And these words now will not be the last time ye hear them cross my lips. I shall tell ye every day until ye forgive me—every day until ye believe them and know in yer heart that I am not the same man I was then.”
Chapter 12
I believed him. I believed he meant every word he said. That didn’t mean it was enough to change anything. He could tell me he loved me every day until this blasted snowstorm came to an end and then call and tell me he loved me every day after, and I doubted it would ever shift what was now broken inside my heart.
What Kamden didn’t realize was that his confession of love didn’t change anything for me. I always knew that he loved me. I knew the day I left—I was just no longer willing to be with someone who refused to say it aloud.
Five years of stifled heartbreak and anger erupted from me in one quick motion. Before I knew it, the little wine that remained in my glass splashed onto Kamden’s face as I stood from the couch and glared down at him.
“You’re an idiot.”
Kamden’s big green and infuriatingly beautiful eyes nearly bulged right out of his head as he tried to wipe away the wine with his fingers.
“Of all the ways I imagined that going, I dinna ever imagine that.”
“Case in point, Kamden.” My voice dripped with sarcasm.
He stood, his eyes shocked and angry as we glared at one another.
“Just what exactly did ye find so offensive? Forgive me, but I canna see it.”
“I know that you ‘canna’ see it.” I hated myself for poking fun at his accent. It insinuated that I didn’t like it, and we both knew that wasn’t true. But I was too wound up to reign myself in now. Calm had no chance of finding me until everything was out in the open. “That’s exactly the problem. The day I left...was that the first disagreement you ever had with anybody in your life?”
I didn’t wait for him to answer. I didn’t really care.
“I walked away from you that day because I’m not foolish enough to agree to marry someone that won’t tell me they love me, but I didn’t realize this relationship was over until four weeks passed without a word from you.
“I stayed in Scotland for four weeks waiting for you to work through your shit. All while genuinely believing that once you did, you would come and find me. I left word with Margaret about where I would be, and I waited for you. You never came. Even after I went back to the States, I kept expecting you to show up.”
I was screaming at him, sobbing in between shaky breaths. I didn’t realize until that moment just how much pain I had carried with me all these years.
Kamden looked horrified and suddenly much older than he was. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to gather me up in his arms, or turn and run into the blowing snow and hope for the best.
When he said nothing, I continued. Now that I was speaking about all of it, it felt like opening an artery, and I couldn’t seem to stop the flow of words.
“Why didn’t you come and find me? The second you woke up from that dream and you knew your mistake, why didn’t you come? Do you think I wanted to take that stupid job in Boston? I didn’t. I wanted to be here with you. And now…how am I supposed to feel after everything you’ve just told me? It would’ve been easier if some grand revelation hadn’t come to you. Then I could go on believing that the reason you never came for me was because you were still just as broken as you were then.
“Now, though, I know that you weren’t broken. You just didn’t love me as much as you thought. For apparently, it never even crossed your mind to ask me to come back to you.”
I couldn’t deal with the conversation a moment more. Whatever he could say in response to me, I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better.
Turning away from him, I gently clicked to call Sileas to my side, and I walked from the room.
“Where are ye going?”
Kamden’s voice followed after me. I could hear his steps approaching, but I didn’t look back, and I didn’t say a word until I reached the room across from his. I would spend the night here, without my bags. I couldn’t bear to say another word to him until there were walls between us.
Once inside, I slumped back against the door, waiting for the questions I knew were bound to come from the other side. I could feel him out there sitting just opposite of me. He waited. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded just as tortured as my own.
“Harper, I did look for you. I looked everywhere.”
Margaret would never lie to him. She was the closest thing he’d ever had to a mother.
“I wish that I could believe you.”
“I’ve never lied to ye.”
“I don’t know what you’ve done. Not anymore. I’m tired. I just want to go to sleep. Please leave me alone.”
“Aye, fine. I wish that we could go back in time—to our last days together. I would do things so differently.”
I didn’t answer him as I stood and moved to the bed. Instead, I whispered my response so that only I could hear.
“Oh Kamden, I wish we could, too.”
* * *
Betrayal surged through him as he walked away from Harper’s door. Witnessing her pain was heart-wrenching, but to hear her say that she’d wanted him to come for her? Nothing could have hurt him more.
Despite Margaret’s misgivings, he still searched, but Harper never told him about a job offer in Boston. Without anything to go on, his search got him nowhere. Years he’d lived thinking she hated him, thinking she never wanted to see him again. All the while, every day he left her out in the world alone he was breaking her heart all over again.
Margaret’s betrayal felt as if his only tie to any sort of family had just been severed completely. It baffled him.
He crawled into bed like an animal, a sense of desperation clinging to him so tightly that no thought of Morna’s instructions crossed his mind as he drifted off into an angry sleep.
His last conscious thought was one of family—a wish that those who helped him once before would give him guidance once again.
Chapter 13
I stood in the back corner of the castle’s kitchen watching as Margaret chopped away at a heaping pile of vegetables. I called to her, but my voice sounded distant. She didn’t respond. She didn’t seem to see me either.
I lifted a knee to move but couldn’t step forward. Baffled, I tried again but to no avail. Something invisible prevented me from moving. I called to her again, but my voice only reverberated off whatever unseen wall stood between Margaret and myself. Panic blossomed inside me. Just as I opened my mouth to scream, Henderson entered the kitchen. I paused—Sileas was at his side, and the dog was visibly younger than he truly was—he was little more than a pup.
The sight of Sileas relaxed me. I was dreaming. Of course I was. It made sense. The invisible wall, the sound of my own voice coming out strained and distant—it was like one of those nightmares where you open your mouth to scream and nothing comes out. Only, this dream was lucid—I knew that I was dreaming. My thoughts in no way seemed sleepy or distorted.
I remembered reading about such experiences in college—lucid dreams often allowed the person to manipulate his or her own dreams. Now that I was aware I was sleeping, there was no reason why I should still be blocked by the invisible barrier. I lifted my knee and leaned forward only to be thrown backwards against the counter once again.
I still couldn’t move. Maybe one had to be practiced at lucid dreaming to alter the state of their dreams. Whatever the case, at least I knew that this state of frozen suspension would end.
Henderson’s voice filled the room, and knowing there was no longer any harm in being unable to move, I stopped trying to fight against the barrier in front of me and listened in.
“What did ye just tell him, Margaret? I’ve never seen Kamden so upset.”
“I told him precisely what he needed to hear. Someday he will thank me for it.”
I watched on as Henderson spread his hands flat against the island and leaned forward to look down at Margaret’s small stature.
“And what did he need to hear? I hardly think that is for ye to decide.”
Margaret shifted uncomfortably on her feet, and a sense of knowing spread through my limbs. Sileas’ age should’ve clued me in sooner. This dream was the time right after I left.
“I told him that Harper dinna wish to see him again and that she dinna tell me where she was going.”
“Is it true?”
Margaret’s silence caused Henderson’s face to flush bright red.
“Do ye know what ye’ve done, Margaret? Do ye think lying to the lad will stop him? He’ll just go to her grandparent’s house. Then he will know ye lied. He will never trust ye again after that.”
When she answered him, Margaret’s tone sounded pleased. For the first time, I found myself glad for the barrier. Without it, I feared I would’ve lunged for her neck.
“Do ye think I’m such a fool? I thought of that. Harper’s grandparents are away for the holiday. They went to the States to see her parents. When they return, they’ll be returning to their new home up north. They’ve just sold their place in Edinburgh.”
Henderson’s question reflected my own.
“Why would ye do such a thing? They love one another. What place is it of yers to keep them apart?”
“I’ve been the only one to watch out for that boy for his entire life. He never had a mother. Someone needs to act in his best interest.”
“He’ll be thirty next week, Margaret.”
“That matters not. Harper knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating him. He treated her like royalty. If that wasn’t enough for her, then good riddance—he deserves better than to be humiliated and left out in the cold.”
“Neither of us know what happened between the two of them last night. Ye know the lad as well as I do. He’s a good man, I’ll not say otherwise, but he can also be a damned fool. If I were a betting man, I’d wager that the lassie had good reason to leave. Regardless, none of this is our business.”
If I ever saw Henderson again, I would kiss him for his defense of me.
Margaret set her knife on the counter and crossed her arms in defiance.
“Ye are right. None of this is any of yer business at all. What I say to Kamden and what I doona say is of my concern, not yers. Will ye tell him?”
“Aye, I will. I’ll not let yer petty meddling interfere in their lives.”
Margaret’s voice lifted three octaves to a screeching tone that caused Sileas to whine.
“Petty? Meddling? I care for him, Henderson. His heart is broken. If that is what Harper did to him, I doona ever want her around him again.”
“I thought ye liked Harper.”
“I thought I did, too, though it seems I dinna know her. He could’ve done nothing to deserve such treatment.”
Henderson shook his head in disgust and turned to leave the room, but Margaret’s voice stopped him before he took his first step.
“Wait. I thought I would give ye the opportunity to agree to keep this secret, but ye have not done so. If ye tell Kamden any of this, I shall tell Kamden yer little secret. Do ye really think he would keep ye on here if he knew ye’d taken half of last month’s ticket sales for yerself?”
When Henderson faced her, the redness in his cheeks was gone, replaced by a sickly whiteness that made me fear he would drop to the floor.
“How do ye know about that?”
She laughed. I found myself disliking her more with every word.
“How could I not know? I make the deposits each week when I go to get groceries. I see how many guests come through these doors. The money hasna added up for some time. I doona know what caused ye to do this, but I know the sort of man ye are. I know that if ye would take from Kamden and this castle, ye must be in dire need of it. I doona want to do this, but if ye tell Kamden what I’ve done, I shall tell him straight away.”
“Fine. I thought I knew ye Margaret, but ye can rot in hell for all ye have done. I’m sure I shall join ye for being yer accomplice.”
As Henderson left the room, the barrier in front of me gave way and my mind began to spin.
The dream was over.
* * *
He stood before his ancestors but apart from them, an onlooker on the past and nothing more. He could see and hear them but not interact as he wished. He wanted more than to see their lives play out in front of him. He wanted to speak to them, to know that he was not so alone and that some of his family was still available to him.
This scene was different—earlier than the events he witnessed before. On second glance, he could see that this dream wasn’t in the past at all. Or at least, it wasn’t as far back as his dreams took him last time. There was a car behind him and three people stood in front of him.
He knew them all. Morna stood on the banks o
f the pond with her husband a few paces behind her. Next to them stood a red-haired woman with an ornery glint in her eye.
Mitsy—the lass he watched Baodan McMillan fall in love with during his dream so many years ago. But what was she doing in the present with Morna and Jerry? Did that mean the tales about his ancestors were true? That Baodan had married a woman from the future? How had he not picked up on that as he watched their story play out before him last time?
Dozens of questions raced through his mind. Yet he knew he was unlikely to find answers to any of them.
Sarcasm dripped from Mitsy’s voice as she spoke to Morna and Jerry.
“Oh, right. How stupid of me. Are you joining me, or am I jumping on the crazy train alone?”
Kamden had no idea what exactly she referred to, but his eyes moved to the smooth rock in Mitsy’s hand. The stories always referred to the use of a rock. His pulse quickened as he watched the scene play out before him.
Mitsy turned away from the old couple defiantly.
“I don’t need to practice.”
She reared back, flicked her wrist, and let the rock loose.
Kamden watched as it bounced off the water. Once. Twice. Mitsy turned to speak.
“See, three times…”
Before she could finish her sentence, Kamden watched as the lass disappeared.
Everything went quiet around him. As he stood still in the distance, Morna and Jerry got in their car and drove away.
Kamden knew all of this could be a dream and nothing more, but if it wasn’t, he now knew how to use the magic that eluded his ancestors for so long.
The surroundings around him whirled together. Kamden knew his dream was approaching its end.
Chapter 14
McMillan Castle—December 19, 2011
* * *
I didn’t wake once the dream ended. For several more hours, I enjoyed a dreamless sleep, content to be warm in the bed with Sileas by my side. I woke to a surprisingly bright beam of light hitting me in the face. Yawning, I stretched out my legs and raised my arms above my head and out to the sides in the hopes some movement might pull me from the deep sleep. When my right arm hit something solid, I screeched and flew out of the bed so quickly that my ass hit the floor with a big thud.
A McMillan Christmas - A Novella: Book 7.5 of Morna’s Legacy Series Page 6
