Honor felt her mouth drop open like a character in a cartoon. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Yes, he was.
“Her last wish was that I find you and see if you’d take in her baby. I have the legal paperwork to say those were her wishes.”
“But Lavonne, I don’t know anything about taking care of a child. And I have a very busy job. I travel all the time. I’m gone for long stretches. It’s impossible.” My house is decorated in shades of white. I’m not supposed to have children.
“You do know how to take care of children. You did it all your life. You took care of me.”
She stared at him, speechless. This was absurd. Totally and completely ridiculous. Why would a woman she’d never met before ask her to take in her child? Where was Zane? She needed Zane.
“I understand you’re an important person now. I always knew you would be.” The pride in his voice made her want to cry. “I know this sounds crazy, but I thought if you met Jubie and saw how sweet and pretty she is that you might at least think about it. I can’t take care of her. She’ll have to go into the system.” Lavonne’s bottom lip trembled. He gripped the sides of the table. “You’re the one. I know it.”
Chapter Fifteen
Zane
* * *
ZANE FOUND SOPHIE in the office of The Oar. She looked up from the computer screen when he knocked softly on the doorframe.
“You caught me.” She flashed a rueful smile. “I came in a little early today to work on the schedule. I can’t figure out how you do this so quickly.” Sophie cocked her head to the side. “Wait, what’s wrong? You look weird.”
“I have some bad news. About Dad. He passed away this morning.” His legs shook so hard he had to grab the back of a chair to keep from falling.
Sophie looked at him blankly. “No, it can’t be. His body’s healthy. It’s his mind.”
“He had a heart attack.”
“But he looks so good. He’s not heart attack material.”
“I’m sorry, Soph,” he said.
She seemed to shrink before his eyes. “But I didn’t get enough time.”
“I know.” He stumbled closer to the desk and held out his arms.
Sophie rose from the chair and fell into him. “It’s not fair,” she whispered.
“It isn’t. Not one bit. That’s what I’ve been thinking since his diagnosis.” I hate it. I hate not being in control. I hated seeing the blankness in his eyes. I hate Sophie hurting.
She cried for a few more minutes before drying her eyes. With a stoic expression, she withdrew from his embrace and reached for her apron from the back of a chair. “I’m going out to the floor.”
“We can get the hostess to cover,” he said.
“No way. Hugh Shaw didn’t shrug his responsibilities and neither do I.”
“You are your father’s daughter,” Zane said. “No doubt about it.”
Maggie didn’t take the news any better. After he told her, she didn’t speak one word, simply collapsed onto the couch, covered her face with her hands and wept. Zane sat next to her. He put his arms around her and tried to hold it together.
Finally, the sobs ceased, and she spoke. “I should’ve gone to see him more. But I hated seeing him like that. The blank look in his eyes broke my heart every time. I wanted to shake him until Hugh came out from wherever he was.”
“I know. I felt the same. He’s free, Mags. Wherever he went, he’s free of that jail now. He’s in Heaven with your mom.” He told her what his dad had said about taking Mae on a date. “He said he was taking her dancing tonight. I can’t help but imagine them right now, dancing close, together finally.”
Maggie dissolved into more tears. “I hope you’re right.”
They heard the front door open and shut. Seconds later, Jackson appeared, distress written across his usual calm demeanor.
“I heard,” Jackson said. “I rushed home as soon as I could.” He sat on the other side of Maggie and took her into his arms as he looked over at Zane. “I’m so sorry, buddy.”
Jackson’s sympathetic face broke him. He crumbled. Tears rushed from his eyes without the accompanying shakes or shudders, like a trickle from faucets left running. I’ll never hear his voice again. He won’t see me marry Honor. “It was killing me to see him drift further and further away. This is better.”
Maggie shifted from Jackson to Zane. She wrapped her slender arms around his neck and pressed her chin to his dropped head. “It is better, but it hurts just the same. I missed so much time with him.”
“He was a great man,” Jackson said. “An example of how to live with integrity and grace.”
“He was,” Maggie said. “Think of all the lives he touched over the years.”
“He’s with Mae now,” Jackson said. “Maybe my mom’s there too.”
“Does it work that way?” Zane asked. “Do you get to be with all the people you love?”
“I believe so,” Maggie said. “I know so.”
They talked for another thirty minutes about his dad, sharing memories that made them laugh and cry and then laugh again. Sitting between his two best friends from childhood, he felt his dad’s presence drift into the room. When he looked at the doorway, he expected him to be there, young and strong like he’d been when they were in high school. He had a sudden memory of the evening they graduated from high school. His dad stood before them with his old-fashioned camera snapping their photo. Get close now. I want a photo for my wall. The sun set behind them and sparkled against the steel frame of the bleachers. What had he said before he pushed the button?
“Do you guys remember after graduation my dad made us pose for a photograph?” Zane asked.
“Sure, over by the bleachers,” Maggie said.
“Yeah. It was just three of us in our caps and gowns,” Zane said. “What did he say to us right before he took the photo?”
“ ‘I wish your mothers could see you now’,” Maggie whispered. “ ‘They’d be very proud’.”
Dad’s eyes had glassed over, and he’d looked away from the camera and up to the sky. His shoulders had heaved as he let out a sigh. They’d tightened their arms around one another and waited for him to look back into the lens of the camera. Instead, he’d continued with some advice. Zane quoted him as best he could. “ ‘I’m not the perfect example of success, but I know with perfect clarity about what matters most. Don’t blink, kids. Grab each opportunity that comes your way but remember that ambition and achievement aren’t the only attributes that create a good life. Take it from a guy who’s lived longer than you three. When you look back, you’ll see it’s the people you love that matter most. And don’t forget to have one hell of a good time along the way. Hardships come, but so will joy’.” Zane paused and wiped his eyes. “Damn if he wasn’t right about that.”
“There was something else too,” Maggie said. “Something about fighting hard for the people you love.”
“ ‘Don’t let fear of loss keep you from loving with your whole heart.’ I’d forgotten that,” Zane said. “I should’ve had that one tattooed on my forearm.”
“I remember posing for that photo, but I don’t remember any of what he said.” Jackson’s gentle voice trembled as he spoke. “Even though I have a copy and have looked at it thousands of times. What I remember is spotting my dad on the other side of the bleachers, slumped against the wall of the gym with his face buried in his handkerchief. Crying.”
“Lily,” Maggie said. Lily Waller had tried to live long enough to see them go to prom and graduate from high school. The cancer had taken her before she could do either.
Jackson nodded. “He never cried in front of me after Mom died. Sometimes in the middle of the night I’d hear him downstairs in his study crying, but I’d pretend like it wasn’t happening. That night was the first time I ever saw him cry. I was broken already, but that broke me completely. To see him so devastated destroyed my belief that he was a superhero. He was just a mortal man capable of weakness and despair
. It was like a switch turned off inside me. I can’t remember anything else from that night.” He turned to Maggie. “I hadn’t thought of it until now, but I think that moment led to my stupidity later.”
Jackson had broken up with Maggie later that summer. The consequences of that decision had kept Maggie and Jackson separated for twelve years.
They quieted. Outside the open windows, clicking sounds of the lawn sprinklers filled the silence.
“He said one other thing,” Maggie said. “It stuck with me all these years. ‘Be in one another’s photos’.”
“Be in one another’s photos.” Zane repeated it under his breath.
“That graduation was one of many photos we’ll take in the next fifty years,” Jackson said.
“We have many more to look forward to,” Maggie said.
Zane looked over at his friends’ tear streaked faces. Fear traveled through him, ripping apart his resolve. Tragic scenarios played before his eyes. “What if we don’t get them? What if one of us gets sick and dies or has an accident? All of us have lost so much. It’s not like we have any control over what happens to the people we love. You guys. The other Dogs. Without you guys, my life would’ve been complete crap all these years. Maggie, you’ve come back to us, but what if we lose you again? And there’s Honor. Jesus, I love her so much it physically hurts to think of her getting sick again. I’m scared out of my mind.”
Maggie stared at him, obviously shaken to hear him speak with such openness. But screw it. He couldn’t pretend tonight. Not with these two.
“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stare at Jackson to make sure he’s still breathing,” Maggie said. “In those dark moments, I wonder if finding our way back to each other was somehow cheating and we’ll be punished for our happiness. Bad things could come our way at any moment. We don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future.”
“Thank God,” Jackson said.
“It’s terrifying to be a human because of our capacity for love,” Maggie said. “So, we can only do what Hugh told us to do. Cherish our relationships. And have one hell of a good time while we can.”
“Honor’s particularly good at that one,” Jackson said.
Zane smiled as the sound of Honor’s laughter echoed through his mind. “That’s the truth.”
Maggie leaned back against the couch cushions and gazed up at the ceiling. “Think of it, though. Hugh and my mom dancing in Heaven, finally reunited in a place the devil can’t reach.”
“Could my dad dance?” Zane asked. “I never saw him dance a day in his life.”
“Everyone can dance in Heaven,” Maggie said.
“How do you know?” Jackson asked with a teasing lilt in his voice.
“Maggie knows this kind of stuff,” Zane said.
“That’s exactly right,” Maggie said.
“Yes ma’am.” Zane rubbed his eyes before looking back to his friends. “I’m going to ask Honor to marry me.”
Maggie squealed and punched him in the arm. “When exactly were you going to tell us this?”
“I’m telling you now.”
“I knew it,” Maggie said. “I totally knew it.”
“She did predict it,” Jackson said.
“I told you, Maggie knows stuff,” Zane said.
Chapter Sixteen
Honor
* * *
SHE HEARD THE FRONT DOOR OPEN and then footsteps. Zane shouted her name.
“I’m in here.” She turned to Lavonne. “That’s Zane. My boyfriend.” She jumped to her feet and headed for the doorway to the living room. Zane nearly knocked her over as he pounced through the door with an umbrella in his hand. “Are you all right?” he asked, breathless.
She almost laughed. What he had planned on doing with an umbrella was anyone’s guess.
“Yes, I’m fine. My old friend came to visit.” She introduced a trembling Lavonne.
Zane lowered his umbrella. “The car. That’s the one from the other night.”
“Yes. Lavonne’s been trying to get the courage up to come see me,” Honor said.
Zane drew closer to her visitor, his eyes narrowed. “Are you the one who left the dead bunny head on her front step?”
“No,” Lavonne stepped back and spoke in a mournful tone. “I would never hurt a bunny.”
“Why were you outside her house that night?” Zane asked.
“I wanted to see her, but then I remembered how mama said it’s rude to knock at a person’s door after nine o’clock.”
Zane shoulders sagged. With relief or sympathy, she couldn’t say.
“It is rude, that’s true,” Zane said. “My dad always said so too.”
Jubie came in from the outside, still holding her teddy bear. “Miss Honor, I picked five oranges. Is that enough?”
Zane shot Honor a look but remained quiet.
“Five is just right,” Honor said.
“We’re making juice,” Jubie said to Zane.
“What’s your name?” Zane asked.
“I’m Jubie.”
“Nice to meet you,” he said.
Jubie’s eyes hadn’t left Zane’s face, beguiled. Welcome to the club. He does that to a lot of girls.
“You want help bringing in the oranges?” Zane asked.
“Yes, please.” Jubie held out her hand and Zane took it. They walked out to the patio.
“I don’t know what to say,” Honor said to Lavonne. “I need time to think and to talk to Zane about what you’re asking.”
“It’s a big ask, I know.”
“But she’s attached to you. What about that? You can’t just abandon her.”
“She’ll be better with someone who can take care of her,” Lavonne said. “But it’d be nice to stay close. I’d need a job.”
“For now, you two should stay here. I don’t want you sleeping in your car. I’ve got several extra bedrooms.”
“This blond boyfriend of yours—he’s got kind eyes.”
“He does, yes.” He gets them from his dad.
“Jubie likes him.”
“Most girls do,” she said.
“You two getting married?”
“I think so,” she said.
“He likes kids,” Lavonne said.
“Yes.”
“Won’t she be terrified to stay with strangers?” Honor asked. “And how does would this work legally? We’d have to get the state involved.”
“Rinny called an attorney and asked her to come to hospital. She had papers drawn up to have you named as the legal guardian. With your consent, Jubie would be left in your care.” He spoke this without inflection, as if he’d memorized the document. “You would be able to legally adopt her after a period of time and court approval.”
Left in your care. Court approval. Adoption. Honor’s head might explode.
“I have to have some time to think through everything,” she said. “But you and Jubie should stay here until we can sort through everything. Living in your car is not good for you or her.”
“You sure?” Lavonne’s light blue eyes watched her, uncertain. His world changed too often for him to feel secure. What he knew now would certainly change tomorrow. She remembered those days of cringing and hoping and making oneself small. Now she fought hard each day to make life happen the way she wanted. She was no longer at the mercy of others for her place in the world. Lavonne had not been so lucky. Poverty trapped him, made him susceptible to the whims of others. If she could wave a magic wand and grant him the ability to live as he pleased, relying on no one, she would do so now.
“I’m sure,” she said.
Jubie burst through the door holding two oranges. Zane followed with another three cradled against his chest. She blinked as an image of him holding a baby came to mind. He should have his own babies.
Jubie bounced on her toes and spoke in a high and excited voice. “Lavonne, we saw a cat named Shadow. She has really big paws and she let me pet her.”
“Did you pet her re
al soft?” Lavonne asked.
“Yes.” Jubie nodded solemnly. “Just like Mommy taught me.”
“She loves cats,” Lavonne said to Honor.
Jubie set her two oranges on the counter. “Can we make juice now?”
Honor nodded. “Not this exact minute, but later. Right now, I’m going to show you to the room where you’re going to stay. You’re going to have a nice bath.”
“I’m staying?” Jubie asked. Her bottom lip quivered. She moved several inches closer to Lavonne.
“For a few days anyway,” Honor said. “Lavonne’s going to stay too.”
“But then we’ll have to go away again?” Jubie asked.
“We’re going to discuss it,” Honor said. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. For now, you’ll stay here in the guest room.”
Jubie nodded and pointed at Zane. “What about him? Does he stay here too?”
“I stay wherever Honor is,” Zane said.
“Lucky,” Jubie said under her breath.
Honor almost laughed. Yes, I am.
Zane caught Honor’s eye. They could already communicate without words. He knew she was overwhelmed and needed a few minutes to think.
“I’ll tell you what,” Zane said. “How about I take you and Lavonne down to the store and get some ice cream.”
“We like ice cream,” Jubie said.
Zane held out his hand. “What’s your favorite kind?”
“Strawberry,” she said.
“Really? That’s mine too,” Zane said.
“Lavonne likes vanilla with sprinkles on top,” Jubie said.
“I think we can find some sprinkles,” Zane said as they walked out of the kitchen together. Lavonne flashed her a smile before following them out the door.
He believed she would do what he asked. That smile conveyed utter belief that she would do what he asked. But, he didn’t understand how fallible she was, how utterly ill-equipped to raise a child.
She went out to the patio. It was twilight now. A coating of orange gloss from the setting sun covered the world. She leaned over the railing of her patio and looked out to the line of the sea lit with pinks and oranges from the sunset. There were days when the minutes before darkness filled Honor with a sense of loneliness and loss. The way everything dimmed and dipped in defeat reminded her of the fleeting essence of time. In the still moments of dusk, the day squeaked out one last reminder before submitting to its ultimate demise. What did you do with me? Did you make the most of your time or did you huddle in fear for the future, unable to capture the essence of this day, this time? Did you dwell in the past, wearing your memories and regrets and the slights of others like an armor?
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