“Oh, please don’t play doctor right now! I’m so tired of being poked and prodded and having my every breath watched as if it was going to be my last. I’m cancer free. My body has been pumped full of chemicals for the last time. I just want to be normal again.” Tori didn’t realize she’d started to cry until Jackson pulled her against his chest and rubbed her back.
“It’s alright. You’ve done a remarkable job so far, you just need a little help to get over this last setback. I only asked because it’s what I do. I can’t help it.”
Tori sighed and then pushed away from his chest. His very strong, warm chest. I didn’t realize being held could feel so good! “I’m sorry. My reaction was a little over the top, even for me. I know you’re only doing what any good doctor would do. Trying to find a reason for the symptoms and treat it.” Tori was silent and then offered, “They drew blood when I was in the office a couple of weeks ago. I was supposed to go back last week, but then I started coughing and they just prescribed some antibiotics over the phone and told me to come back in when I felt stronger.”
“Why didn’t they send someone out to draw your blood?” Jackson watched her and then answered it himself, “Because you told them you were capable of coming to the hospital.”
Tori nodded tiredly, “I am. Just not today.”
“Or yesterday, or the day before that…”
“I’m getting stronger each day. I really am. You should have seen me the first time I met Grace and Jane. It was the day after my last chemo and I was so sick. I’m surprised they didn’t just call the ambulance and make me deal with it. But they didn’t. They stuck around, starting helping me take care of Emily. That was only a few weeks ago, but it seems like months.”
Jackson took her elbow and led her towards the bedroom where he’d found the oxygen bottle the day before. “Take a nap. I’m sure I can find plenty of things to do around here. I’ll be here when you wake up and we’ll talk some more. I really think you need to have your blood work done and I would be happy to drive you to the hospital myself.”
“We’ll see. Jackson, you don’t have to stick around. Emily knows how to get in the house and will wake me up when she gets home.”
Jackson nodded his head, “Okay. I’ll take care of the dishes in the sink first. I’ll leave my number by the phone.”
“Thanks,” Tori told him, opening the door to the bedroom, and eyeing the bed with longing. I just need a small nap and then I’ll finish the laundry. It was nice of Jackson to offer to stick around, but I’ve been doing things by myself for a while now. I can handle it.
*****
Tori slept soundly, stretching and then glancing at the clock before sitting up in the bed, alarm bells going off in her head. Where was Emily and why hadn’t she awakened her? It’s 6 o’clock. She should have been home hours ago!
Tori stumbled from the bedroom, her thin tank top and sweatpants forgotten as she searched for her missing child. “Emily?! Emily?!”
“Momma, what’s wrong?” came the tearful reply as Emily came barreling in from the backyard.
Tori grabbed her, hugging her close, “You didn’t wake me up. I thought something had happened to you.”
“Jackson said to let you sleep,” Emily told her, hugging her close.
“Jackson was still here when you got home?” Tori asked, still holding onto the little girl, not only to calm her fears, but because the room was spinning and she was afraid of falling down if she let go.
“Momma, you’re squeezing me really tight,” Emily complained as she tried to extricate herself from the hug.
“Emmy, momma needs to go sit down on the couch. Can you help me before you go back outside?”
“I’ve got her, sweetie,” Jackson said, moving Emily away from her mother at the same time he bent and picked her up in his arms.
Tori squeaked in surprise and then looked up into his strong face, “Why are you still here?”
“Because you still need help. Couch you said?”
“I can walk.”
“No you can’t.” Jackson leaned down and whispered in her ear, “You might be able to fool Emily, but you were seconds from crashing to the floor. I could see it on your face, so stop trying to pretend otherwise.”
Tori sagged against his chest in defeat, “Fine. Yes, the couch would be lovely.” Before I start liking being held in your arms too much!
“Now, Grace said she and Michael would be over around 6:30 p.m. with a couple of pizzas, to which Emily and Dani screamed in delight, scaring the puppies in the process. I’ve switched out the laundry a few times, the dishes are done, and,” Jackson leaned over to look her in the eyes, “I dusted and swept the carpets.”
He sat her down on the couch and then pulled a blanket over her lap. When he stood up, he got his first good look at her and tried not to cringe at what he saw. Her skin tone was very pale, almost translucent in places it was so white, but it was the evidence of her cancer that had caught his attention.
They hadn’t discussed what type of cancer she’d had, but now it was obvious. Breast cancer! The thin tank top she wore, didn’t conceal the scarring or healing skin that was evident beneath the white fabric. Pulling her blanket up over her shoulders, he tried to focus on something else, not wanting to embarrass her or himself.
“”Emily helped me fold the towels and put them away. I think she must have corrected me ten times about folding them the wrong way,” he said, trying for anything that might ease the tension that had suddenly filled the room.
Tori knew exactly what had happened. She’d seen his eyes fixed on her chest and knew without even looking down what he would have seen. Her tank top was thin; having been washed so many times the fabric was almost washed away. She knew he would have seen the deformity and disfigurement caused by the removal of her breast, as well as the shadow of the healing incisions.
She watched his reaction and when he deftly changed the subject, she was both relieved and hurt. The counselors at the hospital had tried to help her deal with what she viewed as the loss of her femininity. Her doctor had already started talking to her about reconstructive surgery, and now that her chemo was completed, that was the logical conclusion.
After the surgery, she would look just like she had before. Only she would know the true toll the cancer had taken on her body. Only one functioning breast. The inability to have children. The list was probably longer, but those things were the only ones that mattered to her.
Pulling the blanket up under her chin, she dropped her head and struggled not to let his reaction matter. So what if he didn’t think her attractive! It wasn’t like she hadn’t spent the last nine years doing without a man around. She didn’t need a man to define her. She had Emily and that would be enough. It had to be!
Jackson watched the emotions flow over Tori’s face and knew he hadn’t covered his reaction very well. Sitting down on the edge of the couch, he gently tipped her face up to meet his eyes, “Tori, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You told me you had cancer, but not what kind.”
Tori shook her head, looking away from him, “It doesn’t matter. Really. I should have put my sweatshirt back on.”
“Tori, you can’t hide what happened.”
“Oh yeah? Watch me. And why does any of this matter to you? Before yesterday, you didn’t even know I existed. Well, I mean…I guess you knew I existed, but you didn’t know anything about me.”
“Stop being so defensive! You are an amazing woman and a survivor. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”
“Um… if I’m interrupting something, I can always come back later,” a small voice said, drawing both their attention to the front door.
Jackson had called her doctor who had readily agreed to send a nurse over to draw her blood. Jackson suspected that the last round of chemo had left her anemic, but without bloodwork to back it up, the problem couldn’t be adequately treated. “No, no problem. Come on in.”
Jackson stood up, prepared to battle with her over this de
cision. When all she did was give him a look, he hid a smile and then moved back to allow the little nurse to work.
“Hey, Tori. Doc said you weren’t feeling too hot.” She proceeded to tell Tori which tests had been ordered and promised the results would be ready later on in the evening. It seemed everyone at the hospital knew Tori and were willing to go out of their way to help her, if she would simply let them.
“Thanks, Stacie. I didn’t mean to put you out…”
“Girl, would you shut up! We’ve all been trying to help you for months now. I’m glad to see someone finally took charge and is helping you regardless. You can’t get better if you keep running yourself down. You know that!” she offered as she packed up her supplies.
“Yeah, yeah. I do. But once you’re on this side of the bed, then we’ll talk. I’d much rather be the nurse than the patient.”
“Wouldn’t we all. Hey, I’ll run these back to the lab. Take care of you and that little one.”
“I will. Stacie – Thanks.”
“No problem. Nice to meet you,” she told Jackson as she headed out the door as quickly as she’d arrived.
“Friend of yours?” he asked, preparing himself for the fireworks.
“We worked together at the hospital for a while. She got tired of that environment and went to work as my oncologist’s staff lab tech. She loves her job now.”
“You sound jealous,” Jackson pointed out.
“I guess maybe I am. The hospital environment is interesting, but now that I’ve been out of it for so many months, I’m really not looking forward to going back to it.”
“So don’t!”
“Just like that, huh? And where else would I use my skills? For the last five years, all I’ve done is work with cancer patients. Michael offered me a job at the new pediatric clinic he’s opening, but I don’t think I could handle working strictly with kids. In fact, I’m sure I couldn’t handle it.”
“Yeah, working with sick kids everyday would be hard.”
“There she is,” Grace called out as she entered the house carrying two pizza boxes. Michael entered behind her with a large bowl of salad and a covered container of dessert. “Did you sleep well?” Grace asked, coming over and giving Tori a hug.
Tori smiled and nodded, “I did. You guys didn’t have to bring dinner over.”
“No problem,” Michael assured her. “I’m actually using it as an excuse to talk to Jackson here.”
Grace smiled at the men and then shooed them out the door, “You boys go have your talk and watch the girls play.” Once the men were out of the house, Grace turned to Tori and asked, “Feel up to a shower before dinner?”
Tori moaned in response, “Oh that sounds wonderful. How did you know?”
“Does it really matter?” she asked with a quirk of her brow.
“No. No, it doesn’t.” Grace helped Tori back to the bedroom and went in search of clean clothes while the woman took a shower, using the shower stool for support when she grew tired. She wasn’t sure how Grace had known that was what she needed, but it had been exactly the right thing to help refocus her mind and energy.
Chapter 18
“Trent, we don’t think there’s any danger to Sara, but keep her close until you hear back from me,” Samuel said.
“I take it you all have a plan in place?” Trent asked, motioning for Becky to shut the door to his office.
“Yeah. We’re only after visual identification right now. We need to know what this woman looks like so we can track her movements. Without any sort of eyewitness evidence, we’d never come close to getting a conviction if we just arrested her for meeting with Sewell.”
Trent nodded his head, “I hear you. Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do from this end.”
“Will do. Now, about the wedding coming up…would you stand up with me?” Samuel asked, knowing that Jane had already asked Sara to be her maid of honor.
“Man, I’d be honored. You thinking of doing the whole dress-up thing?” Trent asked, thinking he’d need to take a trip to find a tux if that was the case.
“No!” Samuel stated so quickly, Trent couldn’t help but laugh.
“Got it! No tux! Definitely no tux!”
“You laugh, but when was the last time you voluntarily put yourself in one of them monkey suits?”
“Oh, come on. They’re not so bad. But I’m with you. So what, suits and ties?”
“Yeah. I’m going with a brown theme to match Jane’s peach dress. I haven’t seen the dress yet, but she bought it here in California, so I can assure you it isn’t going to offer anything in the way of keeping her warm.”
Trent could hear the planning in his friend’s voice and asked, “What did you have in mind?”
Samuel spent the next thirty minutes planning with Trent. When the two men hung up their phones, a plan had been devised to give Jane the romance she’d said she didn’t need or want in a wedding. Sometimes, a man just had to make a decision and go with it. Samuel couldn’t wait until the wedding. Jane was going to get romanced right off her feet!
*****
Tori stood under the spray of the hot shower and tipped her head back. The warm water felt so good against her skin, and after washing her hair and rinsing it, she had to admit she lacked the energy to do more than just stand there.
After another couple of minutes, she heard Grace ask if she was ready to get out and she sighed and answered, “Yes.”
Tori turned the water off and then reached for the towel. Grace had hung it over the top rail of the shower enclosure, and it took all of her energy to reach up and pull it down. She dried her face and then wiped the dry towel over her head. Remember when you used to have enough hair you needed two towels when you took a shower?
She let a hand lightly touch her scalp, almost crying when she felt how smooth it was. What little hair she had was falling out, thanks to the last round of chemo and now she had to start all over. At least it was the last round! This time when your hair grows back, it might get longer than a quarter of an inch before falling out!
Grace knocked on the door once again and then opened a crack, “Tori, are you okay in here?”
“Yeah, just feeling sorry for myself.” She wrapped the towel around her and then stepped from the shower, sinking down to sit on the closed toilet lid while her energy level recovered.
“That’s understandable. I brought you some clothes. Can you manage, or do you need some help?”
Tori looked up and met Grace’s eyes, “I hate to admit this, but I guess I’m going to need some help. If you don’t mind that is.”
“Do you want me to get Emily…?”
“No! I don’t want her to see me…I mean, she hasn’t seen…”
Grace stepped inside the room and then closed the door, “Honey, it’s okay. You don’t want Emily to see your scar. It’s okay. Let’s get you dressed and then go eat.”
“Is Jackson still here?” Tori asked as Grace helped her pull a clean tank top over her body, a darker one this time that hid her scars, but not her disfigurement. “Can you get me a sweatshirt as well?”
“Are you cold?” Grace asked in concern, sweating from the steam the shower had created. It was almost still in the high seventies outside, an uncharacteristic heat wave having moved through Southern California in the last few days.
“No, but…I can’t go out there in just a tank top.”
Grace looked at her and then asked, “Tori, are you planning on covering up your body for the rest of your life?” Hearing her own voice, she paused and waited for Tori to tell her to get out. I’m butting in and it would serve me right if she told me to take a hike and mind my own business!
“Grace, look at me. I mean, really look. I may be cancer free, but what it left behind is hideous. I can’t even look like a woman right now!”
“Tori, everyone understands….”
“I don’t! I know this doesn’t make any sense, but I feel so violated! The cancer took so much from me, an
d I can’t ever get it back.”
“What about reconstructive surgery?” Grace asked, having already discussed this with Tori when she was in a better frame of mind. She wasn’t sure what had her thinking about herself like this, but she wondered if it didn’t have to do with the gorgeous man sitting in the other room.
“Yeah, it will make things look better. But that can’t happen for at least the next two weeks. And then I’ll have another surgery to recover from.”
Grace could see the pity party was building steam and decided it was time for some tough love. “Are you listening to yourself? How many of the women you took care of didn’t get the chance you have? How many of their husbands, and children can only go to a gravesite to remember them?
“You’re alive! You may not like the way things look right now, or how crummy you still feel, but you’re alive! You will wake up tomorrow and have the opportunity to change the superficial things you don’t like. How many other women never get that chance?” People like my mother!
Tori opened her mouth and then closed it. “I…”
“You know what, Tori? You are so blessed but you don’t see it. Not all the time anyway. Stop letting the cancer win and live!”
Tori released the tears that had been tightly held for so many months, sobbing even harder when Grace wrapped her arms around her and murmured, “Shush. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to attack you. Really, please quit crying.”
Tori shook her head, “No! You’re right. I am blessed and the longer I feel sorry for myself, the longer the cancer wins. I can’t let that happen.” After several minutes, she pushed away from Grace and then gave her a tremulous smile, “Thanks. For everything. You and Jane have blessed me in so many ways…”
“Don’t, or we’ll be crying again. Do you want one of the wigs?”
Tori blew her nose and then shook her head, “No! This is who I am right now, and if anybody has a problem with it, they can leave.”
“You know that neither of those men out there are going to care, right? They’ve see it all, and it won’t even phase them.”
Romance: New Beginnings (Young Adult and Adult Romance, Christian Christmas Fiction book as a Love Story) (Second Chances Trilogy 3) Page 11
