by Kris Langman
“If you call people names you’ll go up in flames,” said Sally. “Also, monkeys are the best. Me and Mel would get along great with monkeys. We’d stay up late and gossip about the gorillas. Then we’d swing from vines and eat bananas and scratch ourselves even if people were watching.”
Darlene rolled her eyes. “Just get over to the parking lot double quick.” She tottered off, not looking where she was going, and one of her high heels sank into a pile of horse poop left by the carriage rides. Darlene shrieked so loudly that several nearby babies in their strollers started crying.
“Darlene’s so mean she makes me want to scream,” said Sally.
“Mean and scream don’t rhyme,” said Katie, stepping carefully over the horse poop.
“They’re close enough for Darlene,” said Sally. “I’m not gonna waste a top-notch rhyme on her.”
They arrived at the parking lot to find Mr. Hesslop, Darlene, and Robbie already crammed into the front seat of Mr. Hesslop’s tiny car. Sally and Katie scrambled into the back.
“Darlene, would you mind taking that away from him?” asked Mr. Hesslop as he started the car.
Darlene sighed and gingerly pulled a piece of dirty straw out of Robbie’s mouth. She threw it out the window and wiped her hands on a Kleenex. “What’s with the straw?” she asked. “I thought the kid was into dirt.”
“He’s graduated to grasses, leaves and straw,” said Mr. Hesslop, adjusting the scratched glasses which were sliding down his thin nose. Mr. Hesslop was a neat and tidy person by nature, but his job as an account manager at a bank combined with being a single father to Sally and Robbie meant that he didn’t have much time for personal grooming. His shirts were always stained and un-ironed, his pants had dirt around the cuffs, and his dark hair and beard were in need of a trim.
“Yesterday he ate a whole pile of grass clippings after Mr. Rodriguez mowed the school lawn,” said Sally. “He even ate a snail that was mixed in with the grass.”
Katie turned white and clutched her stomach. “Oh, Sally. Don’t. Please.”
“What?” said Sally. “It’s true. The whole school was at recess and everybody saw it. They thought it was awesome. Robbie’s the coolest kid in pre-school.”
“Other kids in the sandbox just bang on pails.
Only Robbie the Brave has the guts to eat snails.”
“Sally, that’s enough,” said Mr. Hesslop sternly. “You’re making Katie ill.” He made a left turn and the tiny car chugged slowly up the steep slope of Nob Hill. The Hesslops lived in a ramshackle old Victorian house halfway up the hill. It had crooked walls and a leaky roof, and looked like even the smallest earthquake would send it tumbling to the ground. Katie lived nearby in a fancy apartment building with a doorman and a swimming pool on the roof.
Mr. Hesslop groaned as the tiny car started to sputter. “Katie, would you mind walking the rest of the way? I don’t think the car is going to make it any farther.”
“Of course, Mr. Hesslop,” said Katie.
Mr. Hesslop nodded and eased the car into the Hesslop’s driveway, where it promptly let out a loud belch and died.
Sally and Katie climbed out of the back seat.
“I’m going to Katie’s, Dad,” said Sally. “I want to see her new puppy.”
“Just be back in time for dinner,” said Mr. Hesslop.
Excerpt from Logic to the Rescue
Chapter One
A Debater Disappears
Nikki wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. The spotlights shining on the stage of the high school auditorium felt like tiny burning suns. Under her Westlake Debate Team T-shirt her armpits were sticky with sweat. She twitched uncomfortably and tried to focus on what her opponent was saying.
“And in conclusion, I propose that the federal government should increase its budget for solar and wind power.”
Her opponent was arguing the affirmative position in the debate, which meant that Nikki was stuck with the negative position. It was the semi-finals of the Wisconsin State High School Debate Championships and Nikki’s nerves were getting the better of her.
They were debating whether the Federal Government should spend more money on renewable energy. Nikki had spent the past two weeks stuffing facts and figures into her head. Solar power was expensive. That was her main point.
Nikki cleared her throat and nervously shoved her long dark hair away from her face. It was her turn. This was her second rebuttal, which meant that this round of the debate was almost over. “It is a well-known fact that solar power, a main component of renewable energy, is um, expensive.” Nikki winced. Jeez, that was a clunker. She had to get it together or she wouldn’t make it into the finals. She paused, fiddling with the note cards on her podium. Normally she didn’t need to refer to her cards at all during a debate, but today her brain seemed to have purged itself of all facts ever stuffed into it.
Nikki cleared her throat again, and then she made her fatal mistake. She looked at the audience. This was her first time at the state championships. At local debates the audience generally consisted of her mother and maybe a janitor sweeping the floor. Here at the state championships the auditorium was filled to capacity. Hundreds of people looked back at her as she stared out at the crowd. Her mind went blank. Nikki could feel the seconds ticking away as she struggled to pull herself together.
“And that’s time,” called the judge.
The clock had run out.
Nikki felt her face turning red. She couldn’t believe it. Her first time at State and she’d bombed. She gathered up her note cards with shaking hands and darted through the curtains at the back of the stage.
She heard her debate teacher calling her, but she ignored him and pushed through the stage door. She found herself in a noisy hallway filled with debate students practicing their arguments. One girl was doing high-pitched vocal exercises which echoed off the walls like screams. Nikki dodged through the crowd, looking for the girls bathroom. She just wanted to sit in a stall, put her head in her hands, and cry.
“Hey, Nikki. Wait up.”
Shoot. It was Tina, the captain of their team. Tina loved to criticize other debater’s performances, especially if the performance was as lousy as the one Nikki had just turned in. The rest of the team tended to avoid Tina. She was only the team captain because everyone else on the debate team had been too scared to run against her. Tina had a habit of spreading rumors about people she didn’t like. Nikki tried to get along with her, but it wasn’t easy. Tina was part of a group of girls at their high school who were into rumor-spreading and bullying. They were also obsessed with their looks and wore heavy makeup and designer dresses to school every day. Nikki was more of a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl, and she had come under attack more than once by Tina’s pack for her lack of fashion sense. Nikki secretly thought of Tina and her pack as Easter Eggs: brightly colored on the outside, hollow on the inside.
Nikki ducked behind a group of boys who were folding their note cards from the debate into paper airplanes. She had spotted her escape from Tina: there was a door marked Utility Closet down at the end of hall. She ran down the hall and yanked open the door of the closet, darting inside before Tina could spot her. Nikki coughed as the smell of ammonia and wet mop hit her nose. The tiny closet seemed to have a dangerous number of chemicals and cleaning fluids stored in it. She pinched her nose shut and stood in the dark, peering out through the tiny glass window cut into the door at eye-level. Tina’s frowning face swam into view then disappeared down the hall.
Nikki groped around for something to sit on. A cardboard box full of old newspapers was pushed against the wall. She sank onto it and leaned her head against the wall, the cold cement wonderfully soothing after the hot lights of the auditorium.
Maybe she should just stay in the closet for the rest of the day, Nikki thought. True, she’d have to breathe in potentially dangerous levels of cleaning fluids, but it was better than facing the debate team. Her screw-up had probably kept the whole team f
rom advancing to the finals. It was also better than facing her mother. Her mom was a chemistry professor at the University of Wisconsin, and she had set high standards for Nikki from the first grade onward. Nikki had been only six when her mom had first started to teach her how to do scientific experiments. How to create a hypothesis and support it with data. How to think logically, research carefully, and defend your point with valid arguments. She’d been so proud when Nikki had been put in her school’s Advanced Placement chemistry class even though she was only fourteen. And she’d been even prouder when Nikki had been selected for the high school debate team.
Nikki sighed. Her mom was going to be so disappointed in her. She was contemplating spending the night in the closet, when suddenly she jerked upright.
Voices. She’d definitely heard voices. Not from out in the hall, but from inside the closet, somewhere near her feet. She jerked her feet up onto the box and listened, her heart beating in her ears.
“You’ve woken her up. She’s gonna be mad. She’ll probably stomp on us with her big feet.”
“Shhhh. Be quiet, Fuzz. She’s not going to stomp on us. She’s a very nice young lady. I can tell. I’m sure she’s the one we’re looking for. I’ll address her politely and I’m sure she’ll listen.”
Nikki heard what sounded like a tiny female clearing her throat.
“Hello, madam.”
A sputtering sound hissed through the darkness. “Don’t call her madam,” said a tiny male voice. “She’s obviously a young girl. If you offend her she’ll stomp on us.”
The tiny female voice cleared again. “My apologies, Miss. My companion is better at seeing in the dark than I am. Just give me a moment.”
Nikki heard a scratching sound and breathed in a sharp whiff of sulfur. A flame appeared at her feet. Holding a flickering match was the strangest creature Nikki had ever seen. It was roughly two feet tall, with long braided hair, a very sharp nose, and pale skin. It wore a floor-length dress made of grey wool with blue embroidery on the sleeves. Beside it stood a similar creature, slightly taller than the first, with short brown hair and darker skin. The second creature wore a linen shirt, an embroidered vest, and brown woolen trousers. It sported a precisely combed goatee.
The female creature bowed to Nikki.
Nikki pinched herself on the arm. The pinching didn’t wake her up, so she tried again. Nope, she was still sitting on a box of newspapers in a janitor’s closet, staring down at two extras from a Disney cartoon. Maybe it was all the cleaning chemicals she was breathing in. She was just about to bolt for the door when the male creature spoke.
“Cut out the bowing and just ask her already. I want to get back to the Realm before more people from this world come in here and stomp on us with their big feet.”
The female creature elbowed him in the ribs. “Pardon the rudeness of my companion, Miss. Let me introduce ourselves. My name is Athena, and this is Fuzz. We are imps from the Realm of Reason. We were sent here by the ruler of our land, King Tertullius the True, to seek assistance from the great thinkers of this world. The king’s all-knowing advisor, Maleficious the Wise, looked into his crystal sphere and saw that a gathering of great minds had congregated at this place of learning.”
“Great minds? Place of learning?” Nikki asked dazedly. “You mean the debate at the high school?”
“Yes, Miss. And we can see by your garment that you are one of the wise. One of the debaters.” The imp whispered the last word with great reverence. “You are just the person to help us. You must come with us, quickly, before all is lost.” She took a step toward a dark corner of the closet, gesturing for Nikki to follow her.
Maybe it was the ammonia fumes. Maybe it was just a strong desire to avoid facing her mother, her debate teacher, Tina, and the rest of the debate team. Whatever it was Nikki found herself following the little creature into the darkest corner of the closet.
The imp held the still-burning match above her head. Its flickering light shone on the carcass of an old metal boiler, long ago replaced by a modern heating system. The coal door of the boiler hung open on its hinges. The two imps hopped into its dark interior.
Nikki poked her head cautiously into the boiler and watched as the imp’s tiny flame got smaller and smaller. She gave one last look behind her and then climbed through the boiler door.
Chapter Two
The King Has Spoken
Nikki squinted, her eyes stung by bright sunlight. She had emerged from the boiler onto a cobblestone street crowded with people. The street was lined with stalls piled high with cabbages, corn, potatoes and apples. People rushed to and fro, their arms weighed down with straw baskets filled with their daily shopping.
The first thing Nikki noticed about the Realm of Reason was that it reminded her of medieval England. The buildings had thatched roofs, there was an old stone church across the way, and a farmer was herding goats down the main street. The second thing she noticed was that most of the inhabitants were people of normal size like herself. Only rarely did she spot another creature as tiny as the imps, darting through the crowd and only coming up to people’s knees.
The third thing she noticed was the socks. All the men wore long woolen knee-socks underneath woolen tunics. The women wore thick socks peeking out from under ankle-length dresses. All their socks were in bright colors of sunflower yellow, deep violet, royal blue and acid green. And not one pair of them matched. Yellow and violet seemed to be the favorite combination. Nikki wondered if the people knew their socks didn’t match, or if color-blindness was a common affliction in the Realm.
The female imp named Athena was holding her long skirt out of the dirt of the marketplace and waving at Nikki to follow them. Nikki took one last look behind her at the dark mouth of the boiler which led back to her own world. It was now just a dark smudge on the side of a building. As she watched, the last traces of it disappeared entirely. Nikki took a deep breath and followed after Athena.
The market roiled with shoppers, farm animals, and stall owners loudly hawking their wares. Nikki dodged through the crowd, jumping aside as a herd of pigs squealed past her. She nearly lost sight of the imps as a throng of shoppers engulfed her and steered her toward a stall selling live geese. The geese squawked loudly, as if they knew exactly what would happen to them at dinnertime. Nikki yelped as a frantic goose pecked at her. She rubbed the red spot on her arm and peered around for the imps, who had trotted ahead, ignoring both the townspeople and the geese.
She caught up to them at the last market stall, where the town’s cobblestone road turned into a rutted dirt track. The noise and crowds of the market disappeared. The buildings of the town gave way to pleasant green fields dotted with dandelions and grazing sheep.
Nikki was about to ask the imps where they were going, when a sound like thunder rushed up from behind them. They jumped aside as a group of knights on horseback roared past them, kicking up clouds of dust. The male imp called Fuzz gave a hacking cough and spit out the dust, shaking his tiny fist at the knights.
“Miscreants!” he shouted. “Learn some manners!”
“Be quiet Fuzz,” said Athena, calmly shaking the dust off her skirt. “It does no good to yell and stamp around like a silly child. They can’t hear you anyway.”
“I don’t care,” said Fuzz. “If I want to yell, I’ll yell. Makes me feel better. And you know very well they wouldn’t have ridden us down like that if we hadn’t been imps. The anti-imp sentiment is getting worse and worse in the Realm. Time we did something about it.”
“Like what, exactly?” asked Athena, raising an eyebrow. “You’ll have to excuse my companion, Miss,” she said to Nikki. “His temper gets the better of him sometimes.”
“Um, sure, no problem,” said Nikki as she wiped the dust from her eyes. Secretly, she agreed with Fuzz. Those knights had cut it way too close. If they hadn’t jumped out of the way in time she and the imps would have been flattened like pancakes. She started to wonder if maybe she would have been better off fa
cing her Mom, her debate teacher, and Tina after all. She paused to look around her. The dirt track they were following wound up a grassy hill sprinkled with orange poppies and delicate bluebells. It was very pretty, and certainly didn’t look dangerous, despite the speeding knights on horseback. At the top of the hill towered a white marble castle, its walls gleaming in the sun, purple flags flying from its many turrets. Soldiers were stationed along the top of the wall, the sun glinting off their polished armor. A snatch of melody from the movie Sleeping Beauty ran through Nikki’s head, and she realized that the castle reminded her of the one at Disneyland. She followed the imps as they trudged in the dusty wake of the knights up to the main gate of the castle.
Athena marched up to a guard in front of the gate. He was leaning on his spear, half asleep. The tiny imp hopped up and down in front of him until he finally noticed her. The guard’s top half was covered in steel armor, while his legs were encased in mismatched socks – one leg was blue, the other bright red. Nikki didn’t know whether to be afraid or to laugh.
The guard’s armor creaked as he bent down and held a whispered conversation with the imp. After several suspicious glances at Nikki he finally waved at a group of men manning the gate. They hauled on a massive rope as thick as Nikki’s arm and slowly raised the portcullis which barred the gate.
Their steps echoed on the gate’s wooden drawbridge as Nikki followed the imps into the courtyard of the castle. She had expected a bleak stone space filled with knights in armor, horses, cannons, maybe even a catapult or two. But the area they entered was more of a garden than a military drilling field. Fountains splashed, sparrows hopped across wide green lawns, and wisteria vines drooped from trellises and swayed in the breeze. People in silk tunics and gowns were picnicking on the grass, lounging on cushions and listening to a group of musicians strumming on guitars.
