by Soraya Lane
Nate shut his eyes, forced his anger away and held out his hand to Holt. His brother clasped it straightaway, holding on tight as they kept the grip for longer than they should have.
“You need to understand that I need time, Holt. I’m not, things aren’t...nothing’s the same for me right now.”
Holt let go of him and sat back down. Nate did the same.
“Whatever you need, Nate, I’m here for you. Don’t you forget it.”
A hand on his shoulder made Nate jump, but he willed himself not to overreact. He was in his brother’s home, not on some foreign battlefield. The conversation he’d had with the army counselor played back through his mind, the sense of calm he’d felt after talking to him on the phone earlier in the day.
“Hey.” Sarah’s warm, soft voice made him relax.
Nate touched her hand, let his fingers settle over her skin. He was glad she was here, that he had her with him tonight.
“You want to sit down?” Nate wished he could go back in time, was still close enough to Sarah that he could pull her around and down onto his knee. That she would happily sit on his lap and lean back into him.
More thoughts, more feelings, that he needed to suppress.
Sarah touched the back of his neck before walking off toward Kathryn. “I’m good,” she said, but the look she gave him told him something else entirely. She was nervous and he’d done little to help her fit back into his family’s fold. Everyone had always loved Sarah, but she was here for him and that meant he needed to make an effort where she was concerned, too. It wasn’t all about him and he needed to remember it.
Nate watched as Jess followed close behind Sarah. Johnny was hanging out with Brady in the adjoining room.
“I think I’ll join the girls for a drink,” Nate said, suddenly not able to take his eyes off Sarah, the one person in the world he’d come close to opening up to, and who he’d treated like crap these past few days. And yet she was still there for him, pretending their relationship was something more just to help him out.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t be pretending.
“After you.” Holt gave Nate a wink, like he’d known what he was thinking, or at least that he knew he’d been thinking about Sarah.
Sarah looked up, too, like she knew he was thinking about her, as well, but instead of the knowing look his brother had given him, Sarah’s was shy. Did she want this to be real, too, or was she just really good at make-believe?
There was only one way to find out, and Nate wasn’t going to waste time figuring that out. He spent enough time already inside his own head, thinking about things that he couldn’t control, that he couldn’t go back in time and fix, but this was different. This he could do something about.
* * *
Sarah tried to focus on what Kathryn was saying to her, but she was having a hard time remembering what their conversation was even about. When she’d looked at Nate before, she’d been worried he was about to walk out and that things were about to become difficult, but now it was him watching her and she couldn’t ignore it.
She looked across at him. Now he wasn’t just looking at her, he was headed in her direction.
“Hey,” he said, snaking his arm around her waist. “You okay?”
Sarah tried not to tense up but it didn’t come naturally. Having Nate so close, his body so warm and... She took a slow, deep breath. “I’m good. Thanks.” Was he playing pretend still or was something else going on? Regardless of what was going on between them, he looked happier than she’d seen him since he’d been back. More relaxed, and clearly getting on better with his family.
She glanced sideways at him, tried to ignore his arm still around her waist, loosely tucked behind her back like it belonged there. Part of her wanted to snuggle closer, but the other part of her, the sensible side that remembered how much it had hurt when he’d left her, told her to steer clear. Friendship, sure, but nothing more.
No matter how good his kisses were.
“Do you need a hand there, Kathryn?” she asked.
“Sure. How about you carry this to the table for me?” the other woman suggested. Sarah nodded and sidestepped away from Nate. She took the large serving dish and crossed the room, placing it on the middle of the table.
“Oh.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Nate was standing behind her when she spun around.
“Is something wrong?” she asked, struggling to meet his gaze. Something had changed, something that she couldn’t quite figure out.
“I just wanted to say thank-you for coming with me tonight. If you hadn’t agreed to join me, I don’t know if I’d have come at all, and you were right.”
She tilted her head slightly, looking up at him. She forgot sometimes how tall Nate was. “About what?” she asked.
He held out a hand and she looked at it, paused before tucking her palm against his. There was something unnatural about touching him, about pretending, but there was also something comforting, too.
“You said I needed to give my family a chance, and you were right. It was never going to be easy, on them or me, but I need to try. Otherwise where am I ever going to belong?” Nate clasped her hand more tightly and used their interlocked fingers to draw her closer. His other hand rose to her face, cupping her cheek.
Sarah resisted the urge to close her eyes and lean into his touch. She couldn’t go there. Anything that happened with Nate couldn’t be permanent, couldn’t be what they’d both once wanted, but would it be so bad to give in to her feelings just for now? “Nate, this doesn’t feel like pretending anymore,” she whispered.
His grin was lopsided when he smiled at her, his head moving slowly from side to side. “Maybe we’re not.”
Sarah took a quick step back when a throat was cleared, loudly, behind Nate.
“Sorry to interrupt but...” The sound of Holt’s voice made her groan, but Nate didn’t let go of her hand, not until she looked up at him, until their eyes met one last time.
“Of course,” she said, in the bravest voice she could manage. “Dinner smells delicious.”
Sarah kept her head down as she walked around to the other side of the table, hoping that Nate wouldn’t follow her. Everyone sat down and Brady took the heat off her and Nate with his chatter as he play-fought with Holt for the head-of-the-table seat.
But the heat never left Nate’s gaze—she could sense him even without looking at him. Something had changed, the game had a whole new set of rules that she didn’t know about, and the thought terrified her.
“Sarah, how’s the festival coming along?” Kathryn asked as she took her seat.
“Are you offering to help?” Sarah quipped, pleased to have something to focus on other than Nate, even if it was just for a moment.
Everyone laughed, leaving Kathryn looking slightly bewildered.
“It’s okay,” Sarah told her. “They’re just thinking about how much they all want to help me, right?” She made the mistake of looking at Nate then, while everyone else erupted into chatter about the festival. His smile spread slowly across his face as she watched him, his eyes finally sparkling like she’d remembered, the way they’d looked at her for so many years when they’d been in love.
“Thank you,” he mouthed, gesturing with his head toward his brother and sister.
It was nice, being around the Calhoun family, being seated at a table and surrounded by happy people who loved one another. She’d be a liar if she didn’t admit to still loving this family, and Nate, too, but it only made her fate more bittersweet. Her own table would never be surrounded by a brood of their children and their partners, if they did let something happen between them again. Because she might have come to terms with not being a biological parent one day, but it didn’t mean Nate should have to make that compromise.
&nb
sp; And there was nothing she could do about it. Not a thing.
* * *
Nate slapped his brother on the back, dropping a kiss to his sister’s head as he passed, and to Kathryn’s cheek, too.
“Thanks for having us,” he said, taking Sarah’s hand and leading her out onto the porch.
“It was lovely, thanks,” Sarah called out, holding up her hand in a wave as they walked away.
“Nice to see you two lovebirds.” Holt’s laughter rang out behind them as they walked.
Nate shook his head and slung his arm around Sarah’s shoulders, giving her a squeeze. “Kind of weird stepping back in time like that.”
She sighed. “You can say that again.”
They kept walking in the dark, side by side but not saying anything.
“Sarah, what I said before about not pretending...”
She stopped and looked up at him. “What are we doing, Nate?”
It was him sighing now, putting both his arms around Sarah’s waist. “I don’t know if I can answer that, but you know what?” He looked up at the sky, then back down at her. “All I know is that being back home was hard, really hard, until I saw you again. And somehow you’ve helped me to pull everything together.”
She stepped toward him and placed her cheek against his chest, arms looped around his waist. “We can’t just go back in time, Nate. Things have changed, I’ve changed, and you have a heap of stuff to work through.”
Nate turned her in his arms so her back was pressed to his chest instead, tilted her back slightly to point up at the sky. “You see those stars up there?”
She nodded against him.
“I don’t know anything about the constellations, but what I do know is that for years I stared up at the stars in whatever hellhole I was posted to, and I thought of you. You were always with me, even when I was so pissed with you for taking up with Todd, even though I knew deep down that I didn’t have a right to be.”
She stayed silent, warm against him, and he wrapped his arms around her tight.
“There’s so much we need to say, so many things that we need to talk about, Nate.”
He let her go when she pulled away, but she didn’t go far.
“Like what?” Was there something going on with her that she needed to tell him? “What’s wrong, Sarah?”
She reached out for him and placed her palm against his. “Being with your family tonight was a great first step, but you need to talk to someone about what you’ve been through. About—”
“Is this about what happened when I grabbed you? Sarah, you have to know that I would never hurt you. I know I scared you but, hell.” He ran a hand through his hair, losing contact with her to do so. “I wish I could take it back. Both times. And I’ve already had my first counseling session.”
“That’s great, Nate. Because you need to deal with what’s going on with you, get yourself in the right headspace, before we can even think about something happening with us.”
Nate started to walk again, needing to move, and Sarah followed. She was right, Sarah always seemed to be right, but that didn’t make her words any easier to digest.
“Do you know that Holt could hardly look me in the eye after I saw him looking at my leg earlier today?” he asked Sarah. “It was like a great white elephant was suddenly in the room with us, and I didn’t know how to talk to him. Whether to make a joke or tell him to buzz off.”
Sarah would have noticed he was limping, that there was no way he could walk this far or at this pace without it being obvious, but it was like she didn’t even see it. Or maybe she just honestly didn’t see it as a big deal.
“That’s what I’m talking about, Nate,” she said.
They reached his house and he unlocked the door, opening it for her to walk through. “Some things are better left unsaid,” he told her.
“You can talk to me, Nate,” Sarah told him, standing behind him when he whirled around. “I didn’t mean to ruin our evening, but you need to talk, Nate, and I’m here to listen. About anything and everything, or just what you’re prepared to tell.”
CHAPTER TEN
NATE didn’t know what was worse, the fact that Sarah seemed not to see his injury when everyone else seemed to notice it constantly, or that she had no problem asking him outright about what he’d been through.
His family had only seemed to feel sorry for him, wanted to know why he wasn’t the same person who’d left when they’d asked him questions. Sarah? She wanted to know what he’d experienced, what had happened...the truth behind his experiences rather than just the end result.
“I don’t think you understand what you’re asking,” he said, trying not to be angry with her, to acknowledge how strong and brave she was being.
Sarah’s eyes looked like they were glowing, but on second look he wondered if they were tears making her usual amber gaze appear so different.
“Nate, you have to talk to someone about more than just your night terrors. It doesn’t have to be me, but if you want to fit in here again? If you want to be part of your family again and live the kind of life that I know you want, then you can’t keep it all bottled up inside.”
He wanted so badly to walk away, to tell himself that Sarah didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was impossible. Because she meant something to him, and no matter how angry he became or how much she got under his skin, that wasn’t going to change. And tonight he felt different. Something had changed between them, or maybe it was just something within him that had changed, but one thing he did know was that he didn’t want to hurt her. Not again.
“Unless you’ve been where I’ve been, seen what I’ve seen, there’s no way you can understand.” Nate kept his voice as low as he could, controlling the pain and anger that surged within him whenever he spoke about his past. About his last year in Black Ops, what he’d been witness to, what he’d lost.
Sarah shook her head and leaned toward him. “I don’t need to understand, Nate, but you do need someone to talk to.” Sarah pressed her palm to his cheek, her eyes now obviously glistening with unshed tears—tears that he could only guess were for him. “What’s it going to cost you to try me?”
Nate stood and walked away, paced to the door before whirling back and glaring at the woman looking up at him so expectantly. Giving him a chance to open up, even though he was so angry with her right now for asking him to do something he found so hard. But he didn’t want to be that guy, the one freaking out whenever someone tried to talk to him about what he’d seen.
“Everything, Sarah,” he choked out. “It already feels like it’s cost me everything, what I went through.”
Nate watched as she swallowed.
He ran as fast as he could, taking down the machine gun nest as he covered the ground. Jimmy was crumpled, collapsed, lying unprotected as round after round echoed out around them.
“I lied for someone I cared about, okay? Are you happy now that you’ve heard the truth?” The words snapped out of him, even though he didn’t want them to. But talking about Jimmy, about what he’d witnessed, wasn’t something he’d ever planned on sharing.
Sarah shook her head, her mouth hovering into a frown. “I’m happy that you’re finally talking again, and that you’re telling me the truth.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Sarah. Never,” he told her, wishing he could keep his anger in check but failing miserably now. “But reliving the past isn’t going to help me!”
This time it was Sarah glaring at him. “Never lied to me? How about when you promised that you’d come home, that I was as important to you as the army was? How about when I waited for you, put my life on hold for you, and you never came back? I was so proud of you, Nate, of what you were doing, but I hadn’t expected it to cost us our relationship.”
He wanted to turn away fr
om the tears he could see only barely restrained by her lashes, but he couldn’t pull his eyes away from her face. “I said I’d never lied to you, not that I’d never broken a promise to you.” Damn it, he knew he’d hurt her and what he’d done was wrong. He should never have left, never have ended things with her.
She laughed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize there was any difference between the two.”
It was something he’d never forgive himself for, and never stop regretting.
Nate cleared his throat, wishing he could walk away from a fight they were long overdue to have, but one that he’d hoped he’d manage to avoid. “When I told you what you meant to me, I wasn’t lying, Sarah. Deep down, I know you believe that.” He paused, not sure how to tell her what had happened, why things hadn’t worked out the way they should have. “I never wanted to work on the land and I didn’t want to give up doing what I loved, but when I joined up I hadn’t realized how hard it would be fulfilling my dreams and feeling guilty about leaving you behind.”
“If I’d known I was holding you back I would have finished our relationship myself.” Her words were almost cruel, angry. “And don’t give me that crap about not wanting to work the land, because you had a dream once, Nate. A dream you shared with me, and that was you serving our country and then coming back. Don’t you remember? You wanted to spend time away, then come back and find a way to make a living here on the ranch, and then start a family here with me.”
“I remember, Sarah. I will always remember,” he said, reaching for her hands. “But you were brave enough to let me go, and I’ll always admire you for that. It was just that, I don’t even know how to explain this, but...” How had they ended up going back this far into the past, into what had happened between them, when only moments before he’d been starting to tell her about Jimmy? His plan had changed, what he wanted had changed, but the way he felt about her never had.
Sarah waited instead of pushing him away and Nate knew he had to continue. That if he didn’t speak now she would walk away and he might never have the chance again.
