[AB30]This seems a bit contradictory. Barbara is his direct boss. Even though Watson is most likely her boss in some way on the hierarchy, this seems to contradict you saying earlier that Barbara was his boss. You might consider slightly different wording here.
[AB31]You immigrate TO somewhere. You emigrate FROM somewhere.
[AB32]This sentence wasn’t in the original statement a few sentences up. It either needs to be added there or taken out here, whichever your preference.
[AB33]I took out the part describing what she meant. Rick and company will go through everything sentence by sentence and the reader will piece it together with them. No need to tell them about it ahead of time.
[AB34]This sentence wasn’t in the original statement a few sentences up. It either needs to be added there or taken out here, whichever your preference.
[AB35]Here Ellen was going to the restroom. Yet Margo keeps writing and Ellen keeps answering. Is she back from the toilet or did she never go?
[AB36]Same here, you have her saying she’s going, but it seems like she never leaves. You might want to add something in about her getting back.
[AB37]This is a perspective issue. Ellen is currently telling this part of the story from a first person perspective. Burton is in another portion of the house. She wouldn’t know what he was doing or seeing. This needs to be reworded somehow to remain consistent with the current perspective.
[AB38]Did you mean to say that he’d be lying if he didn’t miss Rick. Here it actually says he didn’t miss him.
[AB39]Was Sam a guy or a woman? The previous sentence said new anchorwoman. This said guy. One or the other should change.
The Shadows of Terror Page 18
