An Alaskan Christmas

by Belle Calhoune

  A hint of a smile appeared on her face. “Thank you for saying so, Finn. I’m very grateful to be here in Alaska. I just felt a little funny about not coming clean with you. You’ve been so open and honest with me.”

  “Maggie, you don’t owe the town or me an explanation of your past. If you wish to share that information, then so be it.”

  “I’m grateful for your listening ears, Finn. And for accepting me, warts and all.”

  As Finn drove home, his thoughts swirled with thoughts of Maggie and all she’d endured because of her ex-husband. It made his chest tighten painfully. And he knew with a sinking feeling in his gut that the information he’d learned tonight confirmed everything he felt about the possibility of building something with Maggie. It just wasn’t possible.

  There was no way he could risk subjecting Maggie to any more hurt. He didn’t trust himself not to mess everything up. What if he did something to hurt them? What if he destroyed them the same way he had torn apart his own family? What if he did worse damage than Sam had done?

  How could he risk it? Maggie and Oliver had already been through so much. Way more than he had ever imagined or could even bear to think about. Finn felt sick to his stomach. By kissing Maggie, he may have led her to believe a relationship was possible between them when he knew it wasn’t. He should have just left well enough alone and let Maggie develop something with Hank. A man like Hank wouldn’t let Maggie down in the clutch. With one impulsive kiss he had complicated things. His timing couldn’t have been worse. They were on the cusp of the grand opening for Keepsakes. His future as a co-owner of O’Rourke Charters was just within reach. It was the one dream he’d allowed himself to hold on to through the years.

  Any hopes of being with Maggie and Oliver weren’t realistic. One way or another, he feared he was going to hurt them. And the very thought of doing so made him feel like the worst person in the world.

  * * *

  Maggie felt as excited as she had always felt as a kid on Christmas morning. She was going caroling with her choir group and Finn had been invited to come along with them. The group was in dire need of altos. Maggie had to laugh. Although Finn loved to sing, he tended to sing off-key. It didn’t matter, she thought. Caroling was about spreading Christmas cheer and goodwill. It was all about heart. Finn had plenty of it. And he sang with unbridled enthusiasm.

  At seven o’clock sharp the carolers met on the town green. They were all dressed in old-fashioned burgundy cloaks and the women wore fur hand muffs. Snow was gently falling and there was a frost in the air.

  “Where’s Finn?” Oliver asked, looking around him.

  Maggie frowned. Finn should have been here by now. “I don’t know, love. Maybe he’s going to join us or something came up with O’Rourke Charters.” She made a face at Oliver. “You know he wouldn’t miss this unless it was something important.”

  Maggie checked her phone. There were no messages from Finn. She’d been with him a few hours earlier at the shop. He’d been a little quiet, but when she had reminded him about the caroling event, he’d been on board with it. Where could he be?

  They went caroling door-to-door, singing Christmas hymns and spreading the joy of the season as they walked around town. Despite her disappointment about Finn, Maggie had a fantastic time. It was a great opportunity to bond with her fellow choral singers and the residents of Love. Having Oliver by her side had provided a good opportunity to show her son the real heart of Love, Alaska.

  As the event ended, a large number of the carolers headed over to the Moose Café. Much to Oliver’s delight, Maggie decided to join the group. Once they entered, Maggie immediately spotted Finn. While Oliver was distracted by a few of his school friends, Maggie made a beeline over to him.

  “Finn! What happened to you? We were expecting you to go caroling with us.”

  Finn raked his hand through his hair. He seemed to be looking everywhere but in her direction. “Hey, Maggie. I’m sorry. I had to do some paperwork for O’Rourke Charters. There’s lots to do before I become Declan’s partner.”

  “We had a good time,” Maggie said, not asking Finn why he hadn’t bothered to call her.

  “That’s good,” he said in a clipped tone.

  “Something’s wrong,” Maggie said. “What is it?” She knew Finn like the back of her hand. The expression on his face seemed distant. Something was off.

  “Can we go outside for a minute?” Finn asked, his features creased with worry.

  “Of course,” Maggie said, following after Finn as he took the lead and headed outside.

  With snowflakes swirling all around them, Finn began to speak.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Maggie.”

  “W-what are you talking about?” she asked. Her mouth suddenly felt as dry as sandpaper.

  “Us. That kiss we shared at the winter carnival. It should never have happened.” He tapped his fingers against his chest. “It was all my fault for allowing it to happen. We could ruin a really good friendship. For me, it’s not a risk I want to take.”

  Maggie felt a bit stunned. All she could do was nod. She had been hoping their kiss meant Finn had changed his mind about being in a relationship. That, combined with his clear affection for Oliver, had allowed her to have hope.

  Stupid, stupid, she chided herself. Finn hadn’t made her any promises. In this instance, a kiss had just been a kiss. Maggie didn’t dare allow Finn to see her disappointment. Or her heartbreak.

  “I understand,” she murmured. Heat burned her cheeks. She’d been so foolish to believe Finn wanted something lasting with her. Hadn’t he told her over and over again he wasn’t interested in relationships? How could she have been so naive?

  “We want different things,” Finn continued. “At some point down the road you’re going to want a father for Oliver. Who knows? It could be months from now or years. And I can’t blame you. He deserves one after everything he’s been through. And not just anyone. A great one. That can’t be me. I’m not—” He fumbled with his words and his voice trailed off.

  Hurt flared through her. Sharing a kiss with Finn had felt like coming home. Why was it so easy for him to push her away? Oliver’s face flashed before her eyes. The way he felt about Finn was epic. He thought Finn was better and stronger than any superhero. His little heart was vulnerable. Finn was right. She couldn’t risk her son being burned. She knew he wouldn’t do it on purpose, but the fallout would still be the same. It was far better to end things before they even got started. She felt grateful Oliver hadn’t gotten his hopes up and thankful she hadn’t allowed Oliver to see how she felt about Finn. When it came to Finn, her son wore his heart on his sleeve.

  “You’re right. We got a little carried away with the kiss. The bottom line is I need to focus on my future. Oliver’s future. My goals haven’t changed. My son needs stability, and perhaps down the line a father. As you said, that can’t be you.”

  She saw something flicker in the depths of Finn’s green eyes. It looked a little bit like hurt, but she had to be mistaken. After all, Finn himself kept making the same point. He wasn’t built for the long haul.

  “I’m sorry to be so blunt, Maggie. I know it might sound trite, but I never in a million years want to hurt you. Or Oliver.”

  As if through a fog, Maggie heard Finn say good-night before he turned on his heel and walked off into the Alaskan evening. She steeled herself against the painful feelings ricocheting through her. She blinked away the tears and steadied herself to go back inside the Moose Café.

  Eyes on the prize. Finn was Alaskan eye candy, but he wasn’t the marrying kind. Or the settling-down kind. He could make her laugh like nobody’s business, but he didn’t want to assume the role and responsibilities of a husband and father. If nothing else, Sam had taught her to doubt love everlasting. She had promised herself a long time ago that she wasn’t going to a
llow a man into her life. Been there, done that. Her goal had been to create a stable life for Oliver. He was her world. But then Finn had crept his way into her heart.

  He’d given it to her straight. Finn didn’t want entanglements. Maggie was trying to be brave, but tears burned her eyes as his words washed over her. We want different things. He hadn’t meant to be cruel. It was just the way things were. For a little while she had forgotten her own resolve to not allow her head to rule her heart. With a few little words Finn had reminded her that she didn’t need a man in her life. God had given her the best gift of all by allowing her to be a mother. She didn’t need any more than that in this life. Oliver was enough!

  Maggie headed back inside, plastering a smile on her face so she didn’t upset Oliver. He was sitting at a table acting like the life of the party with his school friends. She might be nursing a bruised heart, but at least her son was happy. She took deep little breaths and counted to ten before joining some of her friends at a nearby table. Maggie had no intention of letting anyone see her wounds.

  Life had taught Maggie well. Finn might have hurt her, but she was used to love making a fool out of her. All she could do now was hold her head up high and carry on. Not just for herself, but for Oliver as well.

  Chapter Twelve

  Finn couldn’t remember a time when he had felt so poorly. He’d left Keepsakes early today, not wanting either Maggie or Oliver to catch whatever was ailing him. His body ached and he felt feverish. He was fairly certain he was coming down with something. Maybe the flu. Or some random stomach bug. He let out a groan, wishing he could be taken out of his misery.

  A part of him knew he wasn’t really sick. Or at least he wasn’t ill with a virus. He was aching from the reality of his situation with Maggie. For one brief moment he’d nurtured a hope about being the type of guy who could be in a normal relationship. Maggie had inspired him to feel that way. He had clung to her goodness as a way of convincing himself it was possible. Then everything had blown up in his face. Reality had come crashing down on him. It was one thing to tell yourself you weren’t worthy of a loving relationship and quite another to deal with the impact of it.

  Although Maggie had tried to hide it, Finn knew he’d hurt her. And it pained him to realize he’d wounded a person he deeply cared about. Maggie didn’t deserve it.

  The door to his house crashed open. Finn jumped up from his couch at the jarring sound. Break-ins were unheard-of in Love. He hoped a tree branch hadn’t fallen on his home.

  Declan came charging toward him, his striking features etched in anger.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he barked. “Why did you give up on you and Maggie? According to Hazel, you stopped things before they even got started.”

  Finn let out a groan. “Excuse you. You can’t just come barging in to my house.”

  “Gimme a break, Finn. Stop trying to divert my attention. I saw the two of you at the winter carnival. It was obvious there were feelings brewing between you. You looked like a couple. Why did you bail on Maggie?”

  Finn let out a groan. “I didn’t bail on anyone. Not that it’s any of your business, but things between Maggie and me got complicated. We’re better off as friends. I’m actually doing her a favor.”

  Declan let out a snort. “Women are complicated, Finn. It’s not rocket science.”

  “I’m not cut out for relationships. There! Are you happy now?”

  “You love her, Finn. It’s written all over your face. You show it every time you glance in her direction. Ever since Maggie’s been back in Love I’ve seen a different side of you. One I thought was gone forever. You’re happier. Your soul is lighter. You laugh more. That’s because of her.” Tears pooled in Declan’s eyes. “I know how much it hurt you when Mom died. It was agonizing. You’ve always tried to hide your hurts, but I saw your pain. You haven’t been the same since then.”

  “What do you want me to say, Declan?” He let out a groan. “Yes, I love her. But I’m not cut out—” Finn stopped midsentence and shook his head. The words were stuck in his throat. How could he explain himself without revealing the truth about the night their mother died? And if he did, Declan might hate him for the rest of his life. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his brother. He’d already lost so many people in his life. Losing him would gut Finn.

  “Don’t run away from what you’re feeling for Maggie. Stay. For once in your life stick around and face things.”

  Finn shrugged. “Who says I’m running? Maybe I’m just walking away.”

  “From the woman you love? Why would you do that?” Declan asked.

  “Because I don’t deserve her or Oliver or a nice house with a white picket fence. I don’t want to hurt them.”

  Declan winced. “Why would you say something like that? You deserve it all, Finn.”

  “No, I don’t. Don’t you get it? It was all my fault. All of it. Every loss our family endured. It was all because of me. And I’m scared to death I’m going to do something to hurt Maggie and Oliver.”

  “What are you talking about?” Declan asked, his voice sounding raw and wounded. Finn knew he was hurting Declan and it killed him.

  Finn swiped away tears with the back of his hand. “I can’t do this. Please. Just leave it alone.”

  “No way. You can’t say something like that and then backtrack.”

  Finn heaved in a ragged breath. He’d avoided this conversation for two decades. Finn felt tired. He was so incredibly weary. For so long he had carried this heavy weight on his shoulders. He was close to the breaking point.

  “It was me. All me. I put the bullets in the shotgun. When I was home alone I did some shooting practice in the backyard even though I knew we weren’t supposed to touch the shotgun without adult supervision. I replaced the gun right where I’d found it, but I didn’t empty the shells.” Finn couldn’t bear to look at his brother. He didn’t want to see the look of disgust on his face.

  Declan let out a blast of air. “And you’ve been carrying this around on your shoulders for twenty years? Blaming yourself?”

  “How could I not? I knew what I’d done, but I didn’t tell anyone. And Dad took the blame for it. He took off and stayed gone. He even served a prison sentence after running on the wrong side of the law. If you ask me, Gramps died from a broken heart. He couldn’t take all of those losses.”

  Declan met his gaze head-on. “That’s nonsense. He died of emphysema. He’d been dealing with it for years.”

  “The facts don’t lie. I was the one who put the bullets in the rifle. That afternoon I was home alone...ten years old and eager to try something I knew was forbidden. We were taught to always empty the shotgun. I didn’t do that.”

  “And so what if you did? You were ten years old, Finn. A child! I was eight. It could easily have been me who played around with the shotgun.”

  Finn shook his head. A part of him knew Declan was right, but another part of him still couldn’t let himself off the hook.

  “But it wasn’t you who did it! It was me!” Finn exploded.

  Declan shook his head. “Finn, you’ve got to find a way to put this to rest once and for all. You’re giving up your future! I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. Do you hear me? I won’t allow you to sabotage your happiness.”

  Finn watched as Declan stormed away from him and out of his house. He loved his brother for trying to lift him up, but there was still so much resting on his heart. It felt as if someone had placed a heavy anchor on his chest. Try as he might, Finn still didn’t think he was worthy of being with a woman like Maggie.

  Chapter Thirteen

  A feeling of euphoria seized Maggie as she stood outside Keepsakes and looked up at the beautiful sign. A few days ago Finn had painted it a brilliant red against a backdrop of white. “I hope we’ve made you proud, Uncle Tobia
s,” Maggie murmured as she scanned the display windows. Everything looked so festive and beautiful.

  After feeling down in the dumps for several days about Finn, Maggie had convinced herself to snap out of it. As Oliver’s mother, she couldn’t allow herself to feel disheartened for too long. And she certainly wasn’t going to allow Oliver to see her mope around like a wounded bird. She was going to keep her chin up and keep moving forward. If there was any awkwardness between her and Finn, Oliver would be the one to suffer for it. She was determined to treat Finn with nothing but kindness and friendship.

  When she walked back inside the shop, Finn and Oliver were playing a game of checkers. She had to smile at the sight of them. They were strong competitors. Neither one wanted to lose the match to the other. Despite what had gone down between her and Finn, she didn’t want anything to change for Oliver. Finn was still a very good man. So it was best to stuff down her heartache and act like a grown-up.

  Maggie looked at her watch. “We’re half an hour away from launch.”

  Finn said something in a low voice to Oliver, who quickly began to put away the game. As Oliver tidied up, Finn walked over to the front counter and pulled something from the shelves underneath.

  “I have something for you,” Finn said, holding out a gaily wrapped present. His expression was sheepish.

  “What? Is this for me?” Maggie asked. She felt a little bit awkward about accepting a gift from Finn after things had fizzled out between them.

  Finn nodded and pushed the gift toward her. “Today’s a big day. I’m happy for you, Maggie. It’s been a pleasure working side by side with you to get the shop up and running. Tobias would be over the moon.”

  “Should I open it now?” she asked.

  “Go for it,” Finn said with a grin.