She shook her head slowly. “Under your system, not only does he get forgiveness from God, but from me, too. If God forgives me, then I have to forgive my father. Where’s the justice in that? If there was any justice, he’d already be rotting in hell.”
She stood and paced to the front window. “After ... Years ago, I had a mentor of sorts. He ... uh ... did his level best to educate me about grace and mercy and sin and forgiveness. But there was never any talk about justice.” She turned around and faced Chuck, unnerving him with her honesty. “I’ve read the Old Testament. What happened to that God? What happened to wrath and vengeance?”
“I don’t blame you for being skeptical of God’s system, but I can’t stand the thoughts of my son being separated from his mother for all eternity. Don’t do that to Jack.”
“It’s not that simple.”
He crossed the room to her, ignoring the warning bells going off in his head. “I saw you Friday night. I know how it tears you up to be separated from him even for a weekend.”
Tracy walked past him to the front door. “I’m sorry, Chuck.” She eased the door open, but dropped her eyes, refusing to look at him as he walked out.
“You can always change your mind,” Chuck said just before she closed the door.
“But not my heart.”
CHAPTER 18
MISJUDGED
Tracy clicked the door closed, and shut her eyes tightly, unable to watch Chuck’s car pull away. He was getting too close. She was getting too close. He couldn’t fix this. No one could.
“Did he tell you?” Jack stood on the bottom step, peeking around the wall, stretching out as far as he could, his face beaming.
“Were you listening?” Tracy rushed to him, panicked. If Jack heard, if he knew the truth about her, about her father ...
“I heard the door open,” Jack said. “Did he tell you?”
She studied Jack’s face and his eyes, looking for any hint of confusion or worry, but she saw only excited anticipation. With her heart rate returning to normal, she tousled his hair. “Tell me what?”
“About me going to heaven!”
“Yes, he did.”
“Are you going with me?” Jack jumped off the step.
“Hey, I bet you didn’t eat yet. Let’s go grab a pizza.” She slipped on a pair of sandals she kept by the door.
“Can I play in the game room after we eat?”
“Are you going to let me win one this time?”
“Maybe,” Jack answered with a sly grin.
I wasn’t that close to her. I never touched her. Chuck pressed his fingers against his carotid pulse, ashamed at how it raced. What was going on? She never looked at me like that before. She never opened up that way. I can’t be her confidante. I just can’t. But ...
Bobbi. How in this world could he ever explain ...? He couldn’t explain it to himself. It wasn’t ... it wasn’t Tracy. It was ... her heart. No ... it was ... She had this need ... this deep, soul hunger, and he wanted her to find her answers, to find peace. And he knew she was listening.
He parked in the hospital lot, and checked his pulse again. At least it was back to normal. He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans as he trudged across the lot. Lord, can You just please keep Bobbi from jumping to the wrong conclusions? I need her right now.
He found his wife in her regular spot in the waiting room. “Do you have any aspirin? My head is killing me.”
“What did she say to you this time?” Bobbi pulled her purse to her lap and rummaged through it.
“It wasn’t like that. She ... it was wrenching. I was trying to explain about Jack, right? She opened up, and admitted to me about her dad ... I’ve never seen her like that.”
“She’s playing you.” She handed him a small bottle of aspirin.
“I don’t think so.” He swallowed two pills, and gave the bottle back. “I explained to her about Jack, and she understood it completely.”
“But she doesn’t believe it.”
“She wants to ... She’s not some rabid, God-hater, but she can’t reconcile how God could forgive everyone, including her dad, and still be just.” He dropped into the chair beside Bobbi and rubbed his temples, and then he felt Bobbi’s hand on his chest.
“You’re soaked,” she said drawing her hand back. “You feel all right?”
“No.” He sat up and took his wife’s hand. “I don’t ... Bobbi, there’s nothing between us. I swear to you ...”
“Chuck, I believe you.” He let her guide his head to her shoulder, then she kissed him gently and rubbed his back. “I believe you and I trust you, but you will always have a connection to her, and it will always cause turmoil.”
“It’s bigger than that.” He raised his head. “It’s ... I saw her today, I think for the first time ever.”
Bobbi twisted away from him, but not in anger or hurt. He could see in her eyes her own struggle to understand. “Have you forgiven Tracy?”
“I guess so.”
“How? How did you do it?”
“I don’t know exactly. I guess because my sin against her was just as great, they cancelled each other out.” Bobbi frowned and shook her head. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“I have to forgive her, Chuck. That’s what it all boils down to, releasing her from the debt she owes me. I don’t know if I can do it.”
Chuck slipped an arm around his wife. “Just saying that is a major step. Give yourself some time, time for God to work.”
“You’re missing the point. I don’t want to forgive her. She doesn’t want to forgive her dad. I don’t want to forgive her.”
With Jack tucked safely in his bed, Tracy sat in her darkened living room, sipping from a glass of straight bourbon. Chuck was such a Boy Scout. Everybody had some good in them. Everybody was worth redeeming. He probably believed she was worth redeeming, and she was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
He certainly recovered nicely. His wife still loved him. His sons still respected him. His career never suffered. In fact, it seemed to have thrived. Sometimes she hated him for that. Only sometimes. She let him get too close this time, but she knew just how to drive him away.
She checked the mantle clock, and gulped the rest of her drink. She’d be asleep soon, and she didn’t want Jack to find her on the couch in the morning. Jack was so innocent, and he loved her with a sweet, genuine love. How much time did she have before he figured things out, and realized who she was, what she was?
Wednesday, September 26
Chuck’s hopes for continuing Sunday’s conversation with Tracy evaporated as soon as he saw Colin’s car in the driveway. He glanced in the rearview mirror at his son, so innocently unaware, and his heart ached. “Got your stuff, Jack?”
“One backpack! Check!” Chuck barely stopped the car before Jack unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped out. “Can you get me tomorrow, so I can see my grandma when she gets home?”
“No, the rule for now is Wednesdays and every other weekend.” Chuck shut Jack’s door and put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “She’s going to be at our house for a few weeks while she gets better, so you can see her next Wednesday and all next weekend.”
“Not the same,” Jack muttered, and shuffled up to the porch. He didn’t move to open the door, so Chuck rang the bell.
Chuck was relieved when Tracy answered quickly, until she swung the door open and he saw her. Dressed in a short silk kimono, she shamelessly touched up her hair. “Jack? What’s wrong?”
“Grandma didn’t get home. I didn’t get to see her. Now it’ll be next week.”
She smoothed his hair and knelt down to his eye level. Chuck made a point of looking away. “Maybe your dad and I can work something out.”
“Really?” Jack asked, brightening instantly.
“Sure. You go on in, and I’ll talk to him a minute.”
“Tracy, why do you do this?” Chuck asked, once Jack was inside.
“Do what?” she asked with feigned innocence, s
moothing her kimono as she stood.
“You know exactly what time I’m going to get here with Jack. Why do you have that guy here?”
“He really bothers you, doesn’t he?” Tracy smirked. “I’m just using him, Chuck. Using him to meet a momentary need. The same way you used me. He means nothing to me.”
She dropped the bait. She wanted him to argue about them, to deny he’d used her, and that she meant nothing to him. Not today. Keep the conversation about Jack. “But why expose Jack to this?”
“I figured you’d approve of me waiting until Jack was out of the house.”
“Jack’s going to catch on,” Chuck said harshly. “He’s too sharp not to.” Realizing he was on the brink of losing his temper, Chuck took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “Tracy, I don’t ever want him to think anything bad about you, but I won’t lie to him to cover for you.”
She locked eyes with him for just an instant.
Come on, Tracy. Open up. Say it. Whatever it is.
Then she looked away, hastily changing the subject. “Why don’t you take him Saturday evening so he can see his grandmother? We’ll do it just like a Wednesday.”
Chuck let a deep sigh escape. “Saturday’s fine.”
Saturday, September 29
Jack Ravenna tiptoed through his dad’s house, looking for his grandmother. In one hand, he clutched a lily his mother let him pick from their yard, and in the other hand, he carried a stack of pictures he’d colored. “Grandma?” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“Jack, it’s okay,” his dad said, directing him toward the stairs. “You can talk out loud. Grandma’s in pretty good shape.”
“Where is she?”
“In Brad’s room. The doctor doesn’t want her running up and down the stairs very much just yet.”
“You mean my room? Where am I supposed to sleep?”
“We’ll work that out next weekend.”
“Good, ’cause I don’t want a fight.” Jack scampered up the stairs, and burst into Brad’s room. “Grandma! I made it!”
His grandmother smiled broadly. “I was getting anxious.” She moved a newspaper out of the way, and patted the bed beside her.
Jack walked to the bedside, taking slow, tiny steps. “You want me up there? Am I allowed?”
“You’re allowed if I say so. Just don’t jump quite yet.”
He climbed onto the bed in slow motion, trying his best not to shake anything. He sat close to his grandmother and stretched his legs out, but hers were a lot longer. “My dad said they cracked all your ribs.” Jack pointed at his grandmother’s chest.
“They did. That’s why I have to take it kinda easy for a while.”
“Did my dad tell you I’m going to heaven? Brad told me how.”
“He did. He told me that very night. That’s very good news.”
“Are you going to heaven, too?”
“Definitely. Your Grandpa Jim is there waiting for me.”
“I have a grandpa, too?”
“Yes, but he’s been gone a long time. Brad and Joel were still little when he died.”
Jack frowned. “That’s the only grandpa I get and he’s already gone.”
“What about your mom’s dad? He’s your grandpa, too.”
“She doesn’t have one or a mom. She’s all alone. Well, except for me and my dad. And Colin.”
“Who’s Colin?”
“A guy she works with, except I don’t think she kisses him at work.”
“Probably not. You want to watch a movie with me?”
“Not a girl movie, is it? ’Cause I don’t like girl movies.”
“Of course not. Go find Shannon, and see if your dad will make us some popcorn.”
“You know, I think my mom wouldn’t be sad all the time if she had a family like me.”
“I think you’re right, Jack.”
Thursday, October 4
Tracy shuffled and sorted papers, and restacked folders, clearing her desk to go home for the night. Well, not straight home. There was a bourbon and Coke with her name on it somewhere between here and home. Keeping up appearances, she dropped two folders into her briefcase, knowing that she wouldn’t be working on anything tonight. Out of habit, she checked her email before shutting her computer down for the night.
“New partner? What?” A joint message from Rod Penner and Allen Hewitt, the founding partners, announced a new partner. Colin. Colin Janssen had been made a full partner in the firm. This was wrong. So wrong.
She charged down the hall to his office, his much smaller office. He could not get away with this. When she slammed his door, he looked up and smiled. “I guess you heard the news.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
“And you think you do? Is that it?”
“I’ve been doing this for fifteen years. I’ve worked in every sector of law—”
“But Tracy, you sleep around. That shows very poor judgment. A character risk, really.” Colin pushed back from his desk. “You know, Rod hit the roof when he found out you were sleeping with me.”
“It takes two to tango, Colin.”
“Oh, I know, but Allen is still smarting over that Jaguar he had to buy his wife because of you. He took it a little personally when you moved on to somebody else in his firm.”
“You little ...”
“Yeah, it was the combination that did you in. Honestly, I think you’re probably finished here at Penner Hewitt. You might want to get a résumé together.”
“You set me up.” She wasn’t using him at all. He beat her at her own game. “You sucked up to the partners, found out who stood in your way, and you knifed me.”
“No, you have some serious character deficiencies that I used to my advantage. I didn’t have to set anything up. You sabotaged yourself.”
“Enjoy yourself while you can, Colin.”
“Are you threatening me? After all we meant to each other?”
With one sweeping motion, Tracy cleared everything from the top of his desk, and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
CHAPTER 19
CRISIS
Friday, October 5
With the sun shining brightly, and unseasonably warm temperatures, Bobbi enjoyed playground duty this week. Right now, she focused on a group of kids on the jungle gym, positive that at least one of them would end up in the nurse’s office before recess was over. However, as she did a quick scan of the playground, she noticed one child, a little boy, sitting up against the school building. As she walked closer, she recognized Jack. “Do you feel okay, Jack?” she asked.
“I’m not sick.” He never looked up and hugged his knees tightly.
“But you don’t feel good?” Bobbi knelt down, and felt his forehead. No fever. “Did you have a good breakfast?”
“I didn’t eat breakfast today.” He laid his head on his knees, and stared blankly across the playground.
“Did you feel bad this morning too?”
“Yes.”
“Did you tell your mom you felt bad?”
“No.”
“Honey, why not?”
“My mom felt worse.”
“Was she sick today?”
“She’s not sick.”
“Jack, look at me,” Bobbi said, growing frustrated with trying to drag information out of him. He sighed deeply, and slowly rolled his eyes toward her. “Did something happen to make you feel bad?”
“Yes.”
“Did your mom get mad about something?”
“Yes.”
“Jack, tell me the truth now. Did your mom hurt you somehow?” Her throat tightened, anticipating the answer.
“She didn’t hit me if that’s what you mean. My mom never even spanks me.”
“But she was angry and she scared you?”
“Yes.”
Bobbi’s heart broke for him. Chuck summarily dismissed her concerns about Tracy, but she’d been right after all.
“Did she yell at you?” Instead of answering, Jack looked
away again. “Whatever she was mad about, it wasn’t your fault,” Bobbi said gently.
“It felt like my fault,” Jack whispered as tears began to form.
Bobbi took him in her arms, fighting tears herself. “I know it did.” She let go of him, smoothed his hair, and then ventured a little farther. “Does your mother have a glass of water, or a Coke or something else to drink when you get home at night?”
“Brown stuff.”
“Tea?”
“No, it burns.”
“You’ve tasted it?” Surely Tracy wasn’t that irresponsible.
“No, just smelled it.”
“Does she drink that stuff a lot or just every once in a while?”
“I think about every day.”
“Did she drink it last night?”
“I didn’t see her, but she smelled like it.”
Tracy was liquored up before she even got Jack home last night. “Let’s get you inside and get you a snack. That may help you feel a little better.” She glanced around behind her then smiled at Jack. “I’ll even take you to the pop machine in the teachers’ lounge.”
“Really?” Jack’s eyes grew wide and he broke into a grin.
“Shhh,” Bobbi whispered. “If word gets out ...”
“Right,” Jack whispered and winked. Bobbi let one of the other teachers know she was taking Jack inside, and then she escorted him through the office, to the teachers’ lounge. How was she going to get out of this quandary? Any charge or suspicion about Tracy would come across as bitter vindictiveness. Even with Chuck. Maybe Jack would be okay today. He would only see his mother for an hour or so before Chuck picked him up for the weekend. Maybe. Or maybe not.
“Jack, would you do something for me?” Bobbi asked him as she got him a Coke and a bag of chips. “Well, two things.”
“Sure,” he said, settling into a chair.
Indemnity: Book Two: Covenant of Trust Series Page 23
