When she called me last night I wanted to go meet her. I almost made an excuse to Zooey to tell her I was sick, but we had a big meeting this coming week for an investor and knew I had to prepare. As much as I hated telling Morgana that I couldn’t come to her welcome home party, it had to be done.
Morgana drew away clearing her throat. “You didn’t bring me back here to hold me, Henrik. Can you explain what all these papers mean?”
She’s not mine anymore. It’s time for me to accept that. I believed focusing on my new career would help me move on from Morgana. It didn’t.
She inspired me to think outside the box, and now I can’t stop thinking of her.
“Just after I left Mimir—”
“You mean after you were fired.” She straightened, folding her arms over her chest.
“Yes, I don’t really like to think about that, but you are right. After I was fired, I spent a long time thinking about myself and what I had done in the world to make it a better place.”
Morgana started to open her mouth and I held up a hand. “Now before you say ‘nothing’ I am going to say you are right. I haven’t done anything to help or improve this world, and I had access to a lot of money and resources to easily make an improvement.”
She leaned back against my oversized glass desk, which fit perfectly in my old place but takes up the whole room here.
“I wasn’t going to say you haven’t done anything to make it better. I know at least one thing you did that helped the lives of a little boy and his mother.”
“Sometimes I forget you are friends with Tiffany now. But if it weren’t for me, her son would never need my help to begin with. Tiffany would still have a loving husband to come home to. So, really, I didn’t help them. I ruined their lives and have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.”
My jaw tightened and I couldn’t watch her pity. Those eyes of Morgana’s seemed to cut me open, and I hemorrhaged everything I kept locked away.
“Even this idea, this new company, R. Payne Works, was for my father. The company would help third world countries with their engineering and infrastructure. We could get them supplies they need at a much lower cost, and gather investors to finance technical schools to train their people to work on the buildings, roads, and bridges.”
I turned back to face her before continuing, “Even my father’s love of learning played into it. R. Payne Works would work with education professionals to help educate the workers and locals to help build and run these projects.”
“Henrik, that sounds wonderful. Your father would have been so proud.”
Hearing it from her didn’t make it bleed less. Would, such an awful, cutting word. I would have helped. She would have loved you. He would have lived. All referencing something missed.
Something gone that couldn’t ever come back.
“Maybe he would. Maybe even my cold-hearted mother, who only seemed to love me for how I could further her career, would have been proud. Maybe my sister would have grown into a beautiful woman and helped me with my idea. It’s all speculation because none of that happened. They’re dead, Morgana. Along with David’s father, and I killed them.”
I didn’t do relationships.
That was why.
I was an awful person who should have just stayed alone. Why did I think I could ever be with someone as good as Morgana? She deserved better.
My fingernails were like jagged knives cutting at my scalp as I tried to keep my anger, my frustration, focused on me. “I even stole your idea. Why should anyone be proud of me? Oh, and that idea of yours even helped me come up with the whole distribution part of my company. Let the locals do the work. It would give them more jobs. So you see, Morgana, I can’t be trusted.”
Tears were streaming down the sides of her face. She reached for me but I pulled away.
“I’m sorry for what I did to you, Morgana. Every time I think I might have a chance at happiness I’m reminded why I can’t. Why I don’t deserve happiness. Remember, I’m the Payne-In-The-Ass. I think it’s best I stay that way.”
She was shaking her head. “You weren’t, Henrik. I think you made some mistakes in the past, maybe out of fear but your heart always sought out good. That’s why you are in Tiffany and David’s lives. That’s why you came up with the idea for your company. Not because you owe it to them, but because you see someone in need and you do what you can to help.”
I tried to disagree but she stopped me.
“Don’t say it, Henrik. Don’t tell me you owed Tiffany and her son. I may not understand the whole story there, but I can’t believe after knowing Tiffany these past few months that she would allow a man in her life who destroyed her family. She may be a nice woman, at times too sweet for her own good, but she is a fierce mother. There was no way she would let a terrible man near her son.”
She’s right. Tiffany would do anything to help David and keep him safe.
Morgana gingerly stepped forward. Her hand reached for my cheek and when it was there, the warmth had no effect. She sighed as if she expected me to flee or swat her hand away. I did neither.
I just let it rest there.
Waiting for the moment when she disappeared.
“Henrik. I can’t say I forgive you for what you did, for telling Jacob Mimir that the distribution idea was yours and then telling him I tricked you, because I don’t know why you did it. I can assume you did it to save your job, but since you have yet to talk to me about it I still don’t know for sure.”
Her other hand joined to cup my chin. “But based on the man I have come to know over the past seven months, I am starting to doubt you did it to save your job. Maybe you don’t want me. That’s fine. I’m not happy about it but I understand if you do not have feelings for me, but I wish you would talk to me. I think I deserve that much.”
I reached up to touch her hand. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the tender warmth that traveled down my neck and filled my chest.
When I opened my eyes, she was there looking soft and so beautiful. Everything that I knew about her, her imperfections and her intelligence, her clumsiness and her determination, her cake love and her sense of humor, those were all things that made her the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. It wasn’t her fiery red hair or her plump lips or her hourglass shape or even her glasses that made me want to take her back to my bedroom and dive into her soul. It was her beauty.
I had no idea I needed her soft caress but something inside me couldn’t stop wondering, why?
Why me?
After everything I did to her, why is she here touching my cheek?
“You are right, Morgana, I should talk to you. Here’s what I have to say, I did try to steal your idea to save my ass. It’s best you go now so we never have to see each other again.”
Because I was a Payne.
Because people were better off without me.
Because I didn’t deserve happiness.
THIRTY-THREE
Morgana’s Problem
Letting Go
Rays of sun covered my back like a warm blanket as my heart pumped out ice.
People pushed past me as I mashed my teeth staring at the building I just left.
Henrik never loved me.
I was a fool.
For that one second, up there in his new apartment, I believed his lies weren’t meant to hurt me but to help. After he told me about his new company, I thought how could a man who wants to invest everything into helping so many people have been such an asshole?
None of it made sense.
Something had to be false. Then it hit me as he was talking about the inspiration for his idea; maybe he thought by stealing my idea he would save his job and be able to keep me on. Or something like that.
Maybe this whole time he did this to help, and it ended badly. Which wasn’t that big of a surprise as most things we were involved in ended terribly.
My thoughts were a tangle of fire right now, and I needed to vent. It was time to call an
emergency SWIM Meet session.
I took out my phone and called Aria. It rang, but she didn’t answer so I left a message. Next, Evaleen who also was not there.
Finally, after leaving Evaleen a long winded and slightly profane-filled message about Henrik and the need to meet, I called Tiffany.
She answered, “Hello?”
“Hi Tiffany, it’s me, Morgana.”
“Hey, Morgana. I hear congratulations are in order. You are a big executive now. We need to go out and celebrate!”
I switched the phone to the other ear and turned the corner to a quieter street to hear her.
“How about instead of celebrating we curse all men and build a big bonfire to dance naked around. After a lot of glasses of wine, of course.”
“Let me guess? You’ve spoken to Henrik?”
“Yes, and also punched him in the stomach. That last one was when I was leaving his apartment.”
I heard laughter and some voices on the other end.
“Look, Morgana, I’m at David’s physical therapy appointment. If you want to stop by we can talk while he gets therapy.”
“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt. You need to be there for him. I would only be in the way.”
I had never met David. I was a bit nervous about meeting him. Tiffany and Henrik loved him so much, what if I trip and fall on him. It’s not like I haven’t fallen at the worst times before.
I just thought of something worse.
What if David didn’t like cake?
“No, you won’t be in the way. David has gotten so strong now since the surgery back in the winter. He’s walking now.” I could hear the joy in her voice.
“I’m now bored most of the time when I come. The therapist doesn’t need my help so much anymore. Mainly I spend the session just surfing the Internet. Last week I bought a back massager from the Mimir site because I thought it would help with the tension in David’s muscles. When it was delivered, I realized it wasn’t a back massager. Please save me from making more purchasing errors.” Tiffany said.
I snorted and tried to cover my mouth before she heard me. “Okay, I will stop by, but feel free to tell me to go if you need to help him.”
She told me the address of the therapist’s office, which was only two L stops and four blocks from where I called her. When I got there, the receptionist directed me to a large room with colorful mats, a small ball pit that if I were eight I would have flung myself into, and some wooden steps in the corner.
Tiffany, with her gorgeous chestnut hair cascading down the side of her shoulder, in a flower peasant top and jeans, looked like someone out of a J Crew catalog. She was seated in the back corner of the room on a padded bench swiping at her phone. Over by the ball pit was David, who I recognized from the pictures in Henrik’s old condo.
I was going to miss that place.
David was being helped into the pit by a large man with dark skin and ripped arms. They were so thick I had to stop myself from going over there and climbing them.
I took a seat next to Tiffany who was so absorbed in her phone she hadn’t noticed me.
I leaned over her shoulder and said, “Oh, I wouldn’t buy that. Unless you need a vibrating super-sized butt plug.”
She straightened, knocking my chin in the process. Tiffany dropped the phone as her hands flew to her mouth.
“Oh Morgana, I’m sorry. Are you hurt?”
I rubbed my chin and shook my head. “No. The pain was worth saving you from another embarrassing purchase.”
Her eyes widened as her hair whipped into my face as she twisted. “My phone, where did it go?”
Grabbing it from the floor, she cradled it to her chest as she peered over to her son.
“I don’t think he saw.”
I turned to see David’s head bob out of the plastic balls as he lifted and threw a few at his therapist.
“No, I don’t think David saw anything.”
“Not David. Tim, his therapist. That would have been embarrassing.” Tiffany gave a high-pitched laugh that ended in a hiccup.
“I think you’re good. Did you need a butt plug?”
Her head shook rapidly, again causing large swaths of hair to glide across my face.
“No. No. Oh God, no. I don’t even, haha. I mean I haven’t you know that, thing, with . . . and so there.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and leaned in. “How long has it been since you had sex, Tiffany?”
Her eyes widened. “What? That’s not a proper question to be posed near children, Morgana.”
I turned and saw David and Tim were busy at the other end of the room. Tim was helping David climb the stairs.
“I really don’t think they can hear us, Tiffany.”
“Anyway, enough talk about me. So, Henrik was being a Payne again, huh?” She placed her hand on my knee, creasing her brow in concern.
Based on her avoidance of the subject I think it’s been a long while since she has had sex. I’ll let it go. It’s not for me to pry, but I made a mental note to help her get laid.
I explained to her that I ran into Henrik and Zooey on the street.
“Ah, Zooey. She likes to touch him. Kind of weird. I have known Henrik for ten years, and even I haven’t touched him that much.”
“Yes, exactly. Henrik tried to say it was because she’s from California, but I think she wants to bang him.”
Tiffany nodded. “You got that right. Henrik was just being nice so she could help him find investors.”
“Well, that isn’t why I’m pissed at him. It’s what he said. He seems to think he was the cause of his family’s death, the death of your husband, and why David can’t walk. That he caused the accident ten years ago.”
The memory of how his eyes filled with distress as he put into words what he was carrying around all these years caused my eyes to burn once more. The death of four people and physical struggle of a little boy. No wonder his words always had a bite and his stare made people run. He pushed himself at work because he believed he didn’t deserve anything good; that he had to make up for what was lost.
Tiffany leaned back against the wall. Her eyes glazed to a far off memory.
“He did blame himself. Did he ever tell you what happened?”
I shook my head. “No, but if it’s too painful you don’t have to say anything.”
“It will always be painful, but as the years pass and now as David grows stronger, the pain lessens. It comes in small bursts instead of nights filled with tears. I find the more I talk about it, as David asks about his father, the better I feel.”
Her chest rose from a deep breath. “My husband took my son out the week before Christmas to get our Christmas tree. David was only two, and I tried to explain he wouldn’t understand what a Christmas tree was. I was sick with the flu so he took David himself.”
I grabbed her hand and gave a loving squeeze.
“A while later I got a call from the hospital. When I got there, they shoved me in a room with Henrik. He was waiting for his family. I think I mentioned what happened at one of the SWIM Meets.”
I nodded as I didn’t think I could forget walking into that diner believing she was Henrik’s girlfriend and then discovering the truth behind their relationship. It made me realize why Henrik said she was more to him than a girlfriend.
“Apparently, his parents were at some swanky Christmas party with the mayor. His mother was drunk; she drove with her husband in the passenger seat. Maybe he was drunk too, I don’t know. Their teenage daughter, Henrik’s sister Janice, was in the back seat.”
“You don’t have to continue, Tiffany. I don’t really—”
Tiffany was too far gone to hear me anymore as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Janice wasn’t buckled in and she died instantly, which I think was a blessing. The tree my husband bought killed Henrik’s parents, but my husband lived for an hour, suffering. I like to think he was comforting David. Hanging on just long enough to tell my boy everything would be okay.”
I covered my mouth to muffle a sob. Wrapping my arms around Tiffany, I held her and told her to let it out. She did. Her body trembling as she melted into me.
We sat like that for a few minutes until I heard her cries turn to hiccups.
“Somehow Henrik thinks if he had gone to pick up his sister the accident never would have happened. The only thing was he was just as drunk as his mom that night. It was the night of his office party. I could smell whiskey on his breath that night. I didn’t even need to get near him, the scent filled the room. Even if he did pick up his sister that night and he didn’t crash into my husband’s car, who’s to say it wouldn’t have been another family or person or just him and his sister. There’s no way of knowing.”
“You’re right.”
She pulled away, wiping under her eyes. “I kind of wish we kept talking about butt plugs now,” Tiffany said.
I laughed as she smiled.
“Yeah, what did you think they were?” I continued with her subject change to lighten the mood.
“I thought they were stress balls. You know, the kind you squeeze with your hands. What if I had ordered them and David saw? How would I explain that?”
“It might be a good segue into the sex talk.”
She frowned. “I just got him to walk. One hurdle at a time.”
I smiled, remembering where she was just six months ago when I first met her and found out her son was in the hospital.
“I think I am the one who should be congratulating David and you.” I grabbed her hand to squeeze before continuing, “I can’t say I have the first clue what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I will say with all my heart you are one tough chick and an amazing mother.”
Her eyes grew distant again as her head tilted toward her son as he struggled up the wood plank steps.
“I was so worried ten years ago that I would lose him. I thought the happiest moment of my life was his birth, but it was the day I got to bring him home from the hospital after the accident. David was the only thing that helped me get through that first year. He smiled and giggled despite watching kids his age run around him because he wasn’t able to even sit up on his own.” Tiffany turned to me. “Now look at him.
Rules of Payne (Cake Love Book 1) Page 19
