by Lisa Lace
“You coming, or am I running by myself today?” Sam taunts me from several paces ahead.
“You go ahead.” I wave him away. “I got a lot on my mind.”
“Oh shit. Are we still talking about this?” Sam slows his pace to let me catch up to him.
“I thought you guys worked something out by now?” he puffs. His strides are long and sure. I envy his energy right now.
“I don’t know what happened,” I breathe. “She came to talk to me about that damned contract again the other day, and I regretted revising it all over again.”
“Did you tell her that?” Sam asks in disbelief.
“Of course,” I frown. “I don’t want her to think that I only want to be with her for those reasons.”
Sam stops short, and I run a few steps more before stopping. With my hands on my hips, I stoop forward and then brace myself on my knees to let my breathing return to normal. “Let me get this straight. She comes to you to talk about that damned contract that you had revised, and she was willing to do it, and you told her it was a bad idea?”
“Well, not exactly.” I raise my head to look at him as he towers over me. “I mean, kind of, but she knew what I meant.”
“Did she?’ Sam is doubtful.
“Of course. I told her it was a stupid idea, and that you and Walter both told me the same thing. I just couldn’t see it at the time. She just kept talking about compromising for Bella’s sake. I asked her if she was going to be able to compromise without the contract, and she didn’t answer me.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” Sam kicks a rock in front of him. “She could have taken what you said in a completely different way.”
“There’s no other way to take it. She should know how I feel about her.”
“Oh? Because you told her?”
“No, but I’ve shown her, and that means more.”
“Dude.” Sam shakes his head. “You’re a brilliant guy in every other way, but you’re screwing this up big time.”
I feel the sweat roll off my face and watch it collect on the pavement below. “I’m trying to fix it.”
“Are you? Because it’s not a business deal, and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can ‘fix’ it.”
“I know it’s not a business deal. That’s why I’ve nixed the contract. We need to approach this differently.”
“The clock is ticking on this, isn’t it? From what I understand, she’s got about a week left before she has to either quit that job or go back to it. She can’t afford to go by your timetable or the trial-and-error process you have going on.”
“How do you know all this? Did you talk to her?”
“No.” Sam looks uncomfortable.
I stand up straighter. If he’s discussing things with Laura, I deserve to know what they’re chatting about.
“You going to tell me, or do I have to wrestle it out of you?”
Sam chuckles. “I’m a lot bigger than the last time you were able to do that.” The threat works on him anyway. “I didn’t talk to her, actually. I mean, I did when she was still in Milan, but I already told you about that.”
“So?” I prod.
“I’m uh, I’m seeing Riley.” He looks over his shoulder as if someone has overheard him.
“Seeing her where?”
I watch as Sam shifts from foot to foot. “We’re dating, okay?” Sam says with annoyance.
“Wait, what? Since when?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to know. You’ve been consumed with your mess. Both you and Laura, actually.”
“Damn. I see you guys every day.”
“Yeah, well, we do a pretty good job of keeping everything under wraps, too. Don’t beat yourself up.”
“I want to hear more about that later. What did Riley tell you?”
“Savage.” Sam laughs. “Alright, well I’ve told you everything I know already. She’s on the clock, and she doesn’t have time for you to go back and forth with her, so get your shit together if you want to keep her.”
“You’re right.” I clap him on the back. “Thanks for the pep talk. I needed it.”
“You’ve needed a kick in the ass, but this is the most I can offer.”
“Try to kick my ass now.” I narrow my eyes and take off ahead of him.
“Hey!” Sam sputters behind me, and I hear him pounding the pavement behind me.
In the evening, I wait for Laura to settle into bed after her dinner with Riley. “Do you have a minute to talk?”
Laura looks up from her vanity. She’s applying cream on her throat, and she looks at me in the reflection. I want so badly to walk up behind her and pull her against my body, and follow the lines of her collarbone with my lips.
“Yes, of course.” She sets down the bottle in her hand and moves to rest on the loveseat against the wall.
“I wanted to clarify my words from the other night.”
“I think you were pretty clear,” she says stiffly.
Oh no, what the hell have I done? Sam was right; I made a mess of everything. “No, I don’t think I was. I think I may have confused you, and that was not my intention at all.”
“Okay.” She sits up expectantly.
I take the file folder sitting on my nightstand and take out the contract. “This is the revised contract,” I explain. I proceed to rip it to shreds. “This is over. Let’s not discuss this anymore. I think we both know that this isn’t what we want.”
Laura doesn’t say anything, so I plunge ahead.
“I have two checks here.” I hand her both of them. “One is made out to you, and one is for paying off your debt. If anything is missing, let me know, and I’ll be happy to write another one.”
She looks up at me with a blank expression on her face. She wipes her hands on her thighs and looks at the checks I have in my hand. I stretch my hand out further, but she doesn’t reach up to take them.
“Is everything okay?” I can’t read the emotions that flicker on her face.
“I don’t want the money,” she says flatly. She looks at me at last, and I see the determination on her face.
“What? No, this is the money that we agreed upon initially. I owe you at least this much.”
“No.” She shakes her head and tears drop from her eyes. She wipes them impatiently and stands up, shaking her head.
“Wait, hold on.” I’m desperate now. “This was our agreement. I don’t understand what’s happening here. Why can’t you accept this?”
She doesn’t want the contract; then she does. When I tell her the contract is a bad idea, so we can have a real marriage, she’s still not agreeing. I’m at a loss.
“I don’t want the contract, I don’t want the money. I just don’t want anything now.” Laura folds her arms around her middle and presses her lips together.
“I thought you said you wanted us to be together for Bella’s sake.”
“You didn’t want that,” she says in exasperation. “I don’t know what you want!”
“First, I want you to accept this as part of our deal. I always follow through on my word, and I don’t intend on stopping now.”
“I don’t want it.” Her chin raises stubbornly in the air, and I know not to insist.
“Okay, talk to me. Why?” I sit down and pat the seat next to me.
She lowers herself down reluctantly. “It feels like none of this is in my control. I made a choice not to resign the contract with you because I wanted to pursue my career, and I did that. I was fine with it—I am fine with it. It is the most amazing opportunity, and I don’t regret it for a moment.” She bites her lip and looks at the ground then back at me.
“But I missed the family life and Bella, so when I heard through Sam about how she was struggling, it tugged at my heart. And then when she disappeared, my heart broke.” She stops to wipe her tears. I try to wrap my arm around her, but she pulls back. “No, let me finish.”
I nod and give her some space to collect herself. I go to the vanity behind me, grab a bo
x of tissues, and set it between us. She takes one and wipes her tears before continuing.
“I brought up the contract with you again because I do want something permanent. I want this.” She gestures around us. “It worked for us, and I think we can continue to make it work. It makes sense. But when I brought it up to you, it seems like you didn’t like your end of the bargain. And the more I thought about it, I realized you were right. Maybe this contract is a bad idea. It served us well in the beginning, but it’s run its course.”
“‘My end of the bargain?’” I’m insulted. “That could not be further from the truth. I’m giving you what I owe to you. That’s it. Really. This is what we agreed to. Why would I give you anything less?”
“Fine. You have a point. Now you tell me.” She leans forward slightly. “What’s in it for you? If we don’t have a contract, and we’re still together.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t say it.
Sam’s words are echoing in my mind. She has about a week left before she has to quit that job or go back to it.
My mind is racing, trying to think of something, anything that will get her to stay. I should have known money wasn’t enough of a motivator for her.
“Okay.” She sits back and picks some imaginary lint off the seat. “I guess that answers that question. I’m sorry this isn’t going to work out. I hope we can still share some responsibilities with Bella. I can’t imagine not having her in my life.”
“I didn’t even answer your question,” I say, stilling her hand. “I’m gaining a lot from this arrangement, with everything you do for Bella alone.”
“Is that it?” she presses me.
“Our sex life is amazing.” I smile. “There’s no disputing that.”
“Not even going to try.” She gives me a sad smile in return. “But is that enough for you?”
“Yes,” I lie. “You?” I want to say the words to her, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Committing to her through a contract protects us both. But saying the words and trusting that she will return the sentiments and that we will continue to have feelings for one another seems like an impossible thing to ask. My own parents couldn’t sustain their marriage, and my first marriage went down the tubes before it began. I have no reason to believe this faux marriage will work without a contract guiding it along; it’s the only thing that offers security.
“No. I need more. I can be part of Bella’s life, but I can’t do this anymore. Please understand that it’s too confusing for me.”
“I understand that, Laura, I do. I’m not sure what else I can offer you. If you want to stay, stay. But don’t stay just for Bella. She’s a big girl, and she’ll grow out of this phase.”
“So.” Laura pauses, choosing her words carefully. “She’ll grow out of me, just like you have? You’re her father, so I’ll respect that decision.” The hurt in her voice is evident.
Every time I open my mouth, it feels like I just kicked an already wounded puppy.
“If that’s how you feel then I think it’s pointless to discuss this further.” With that, she gets up and leaves the room. I drop my head into my hands, and all I can think is that she’ll be gone in one week because I fucked everything up.
Laura
As the days close in on my flight, I get emotional and find many projects around the house. I don’t need to be doing anything here. I’m not needed. Max made himself clear that the door was wide open and he could handle things on his own. It was easier to leave before when I thought he was undecided.
Riley’s come to help me sort out my things and get rid of the stuff that I don’t need before I go. This is all an excuse, though. When I left earlier, I went with the mindset that I would return to go through the belongings I left behind. But there is nothing I want to keep. When I tell Riley that, she scoffs.
“I already knew that. I’m here for emotional support. And you are emotional, so it works out.”
“I’m not emotional.” I sniffle. “It’s harder to leave this time is all.”
“I told Sam his brother was an asshole. I was wrong about him.” Riley takes another big bite of pizza and chews it quickly, staring at the door as if Max will walk in. “Sam claims Max will sort things out, but I told him it’s too late. I told him he made a mess of everything.” She eyes me. “Right?”
“Can we not talk about this for a while?” I sigh. “I want you here to take my mind off of everything.”
“Okay, fine. Let’s talk about Milan. What’s new there, any cute guys?”
“Riley!”
“What? Oh, too soon? Sorry. I forgot you have a seven-year-long grieving process between your men.”
I glare at her. “Feeling snarky today?”
“Kind of. But you know I’m funny, so you’ll get over it.” She gives me a grin, and I can’t help but smile.
“It’s a little funny. If it weren’t so painful. Okay, how did we start talking about this again?”
“Sorry again, but for real this time.”
“You had one job.”
“Okay, tell me about your new job. We never really got a chance to talk while you were over there. What does your average day look like?”
I fill her in on all the details, and she beams at me. “You were made for this! It sounds like a lot of big names pass through there.”
“Oh yeah, it’s ridiculous.” I open my mouth when Riley offers me a bite of her cinnamon roll. “Anyway.” I shrug. “It’s decent. I know this sounds weird, but it feels like I got to the top, and I’m just looking around and wondering why I worked so hard to get there. It’s not the way I pictured it.”
“Are you kidding? You have a dream job! You’re just upset about this situation. It will get better, I promise. And if it doesn’t, you can find a man, because that will solve about half of your problems, and then be the cause of the other half.”
“Riley.” I close my closet and turn to face her.
“What’s up?”
“I can’t do it.” I burst into tears.
“What? Honey, don’t cry! I swear I’m going to kill Max! Come here.” She pulls me into her arms and sits with me on the bed.
I feel so foolish for crying over him, but the prospect of going back to Milan and pretending like everything is going to work out isn’t going to happen. If I thought I was miserable before, I know it’s not going to get better now.
“I’m going to try talking to him and tell him I love him and that I want to stay. Tell me that’s not pathetic.”
“It’s not pathetic. You’re being honest about your feelings, which is a lot more than he’s doing, dammit.”
“But what if he doesn’t feel the same way? You and Sam both tell me one thing, and then he acts like it’s another business agreement of his.”
“Because he’s an asshole. A lying asshole,” Riley corrects herself. “But he’s an asshole that you love, so I support you.”
“I guess this is a bad time.” A voice comes from the doorway.
“Sam!” Riley admonishes from my bed. “You said you weren’t coming!”
“My meeting got canceled. But I see I’m right on time for a Max-bashing.”
“You better believe it.” Riley crosses her arms.
“Hey, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t do anything,” Sam surrenders.
“You’re guilty by association,” Riley declares. “You better not try anything like this with me.”
“I won’t. You wouldn’t go for it anyway.” He looks at me. “No offense.”
“Damn straight.”
Sam moves towards a now prickly Riley to kiss the top of her head and give her a side hug. “So, what do you need help with?”
Riley gives him a cheesy smile. “Well, she’s not moving to Milan.”
Sam raises his eyebrows and looks at me. “You two worked it out? Wait, no. You were just calling him a lying asshole.”
“I’m going to tell him how I really feel. Right after I burn one last bridge before
I chicken out.” Excusing myself, I take my phone into another room and leave the lead designer a detailed message. I tell her how much I appreciated every opportunity that came my way, but that I appreciated her support in the last couple weeks even more. She’d been so understanding of my family emergency. When we spoke soon after I got to New York, I’d hinted that I might not return to Milan, and she’d understood immediately.
“This job definitely has its advantages but it’s not for everyone. Whatever you decide, we’ll support you. The ball’s in your court.”
I hang up and look at the time. I have less than an hour before Max is supposed to be home. Yesterday, we decided it was a good idea to sit Bella down and talk to her together about what’s going on.
I think about what Max said about it last night. I’m not sure how much we’re going to tell her, but I think we can feel our way through, and see how much she can handle.
Hearing a commotion below, I can tell by Bella’s squeals that Max has made it home early. My heart skips a beat, and I feel nervous all over again like the first time I saw him in the office. I can do this. It feels strange to put myself in such a vulnerable position, even though he is technically my husband. My husband. I never want to stop saying those words. “Hey.” Riley backtracks in the hallway when she sees me off the phone. “You alright?”
“Yeah, I just left a message.” I clear my throat, not moving.
“You can do this,” Riley encourages me. Either she can read my mind, or she’s noticed how pale I am.
“Thanks. Can you guys watch Bella for a bit? I want to talk to him alone, and it can be hard to tear her away these days.”
“No problem.” Sam emerges behind Riley. “I got a game on my phone that holds her attention for at least thirty minutes.”
“Yeah.” Riley smirks. “It’s a princess game among all his professional apps. So sweet, but I love to tease him about it.”
Sam gives her a sidelong glance. “Laugh all you want, but I know the way to her heart.”
I follow them down as they argue. The two successfully rope Bella into sitting in the kitchen with them. “I’ll fix you a huge ice cream sundae,” Riley promises.
